Chapter Twenty-Nine
As soon as Penelope opened the door and handed Sophie a wineglass, Sophie burst into tears.
Penelope frowned and ushered her inside, closing the door behind her.
Evan was in their living room, and through her tears, Sophie saw his expression widen in surprise. Penelope made some gestures and Evan stood. The old Evan that had been a wild, manwhoring jerk-off would have gotten the hell out of dodge, but this new Evan scowled and came over to her.
He grasped her arm as Penelope said, “Evan, no.”
He ignored her and turned Sophie to him. He pulled her close and patted her back. “Did he hurt you, Soph? Do we have to take him out, Donovan style?”
Sophie laughed through her tears and shook her head. “No. He’s perfect.”
“Ahhh . . . I see.” He pulled back and rubbed a brisk path up and down her arms. “Chin up. These things have a way of working out.”
She doubted that, but her throat was too tight to speak.
Penelope smiled at her husband and tilted her head toward the staircase. “I’ll take it from here.”
He nodded and walked upstairs.
Sophie sputtered, “I-I’m s-sorry.”
“Shhhh . . . None of that.” Penelope walked her over to the couch. “Sit down, I’ll go grab the bottle.”
She hurried off and Sophie texted Ryder. I’m here.
Thirty seconds later: Good. In the middle of a work thing, I’ll call you at eleven.
Okay. She could barely wait.
Penelope returned with the wine, joined her on the couch, and got right to the point. “I thought things were better.”
She looked into her glass, the dark red color that clung to the sides as it swirled. “I’m in love with him.”
“Of course you are. I’ve known you were going to fall for him since the kitchen that night at Maddie’s.”
“Why didn’t you stop me?” she wailed.
Penelope scoffed. “You have never listened to a word I’ve said. Besides, it was time.”
Sophie scowled. “Time?”
“Yeah, time. You’ve been sitting smug on the sidelines long enough.”
Sophie couldn’t help the wry chuckle. “You’re the meanest friend ever.”
“I know.” Penelope clucked her tongue. “And he loves you too.”
“He does.” Sophie bit her lip. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Well, not to get all logical and pragmatic on you, but there are only two options. Break it off and go your separate ways, or stay together and one of you move. Have you talked about it?”
She shook her head. “Wednesday we said we would.” Her eyes filled with tears. “Can I ask you something?”
“Always.”
“What happens if Evan gets a coaching job in another city?”
Penelope’s blue eyes darkened and she took a slow sip. “We hope that doesn’t happen, but if it’s for his dream job, I’ll be moving to another city.”
Sophie blinked. “Just like that.”
Penelope nodded. “Just like that.”
Her friend was a huge workaholic. She loved her job, thrived on the pressure, the thrill of helping Shane run such a big company. She had a huge job with a matching salary and even bigger bonus. She loved her job.
Sophie shook her head. “You’d give it all up? For Evan?”
Penelope shrugged. “It wouldn’t be giving it all up. It would just have to change. Understand, nobody wants that. Evan has made it clear to the organization he wants a future with them. But Shane and I have already discussed and come up with three or four different options in case that happens. My scope would change, but that’s life.”
“But you love your job.”
“I do. I love Evan more.”
“It sounds like you’re the one making all the changes.”
Penelope smiled, all blissful and happy. “Nope. We agreed the only job we’d move for is a head coaching job for an NFL team. That’s it. His sacrifice is he’ll pass up any other opportunity to stay here, even if it means getting him to his end goal faster. It’s a compromise we can both live with. Besides, having those conversations with Shane was good because it forced me to think about life beyond work.”
“How so?”
“You know Evan and I want a family. We want to be married for at least a year first before we try, but the reality is I can’t work twelve-hour days with a baby and be the kind of mother I want to be. It’s not bad. It’s just that life changes, and no matter who you are or how much money you have, everyone has to make choices. It’s not like I want to be a stay-at-home mom, but I don’t want to be absent either. Having those talks about options with Shane helps me put work into perspective. It’s good for me to think about because it opens up opportunities for my life regardless of whether I’m here or some other place.”
Sophie sipped her wine and thought about Ryder. She looked at the fireplace, dark and abandoned. “He offered to move to Chicago for me.”
Penelope’s expression brightened. “So let him.”
She shook her head. “I can’t.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because it’s all wrong for him.” She pressed her fist to her stomach. “I feel it deep down. I’d be the only reason, and I can’t ask him that.”
“Maybe he wants to do it.”
“Just because he wants to, and he would, doesn’t make it right. It’s something he’d never choose.”
“He’s getting you in return.”
Sophie’s eyes welled and she looked at her best friend, who’d been here for her since before she could remember. She swallowed hard. “I’m not my parents.”
Penelope’s expression clouded with confusion. “What do you mean?”
“I mean I’m not willing to force him into my life. Growing up, I hated knowing my parents were only living the life they were because of me. Hated listening to them talk about when they could leave and do what they wanted to do when they were no longer stuck with me as a dependent. Sure, they settled down to give me a childhood, but they never let me forget it. I don’t want that for Ryder.” Tears spilled down her cheeks. “But more than that, I don’t want that for me. I don’t want to sit with him at dinner in some high-rise apartment he hates instead of the farmhouse he’s planning on building and know he’s only suffering through this because of me. I can’t live like that again. I don’t want to. Is that selfish?”
Expression turning troubled, Penelope lowered her gaze. “I hadn’t looked at it like that.”
“I’m not just being stubborn. I’m not refusing to see the possibility. I don’t see how either of us win with him moving to Chicago.”
Penelope was silent for a few minutes before she said, “Can you see a win if you stay in Revival?”
Sophie drained the rest of her glass. “I don’t know. I can’t pretend I haven’t enjoyed what I’m doing. Or that the idea of starting up the tourism trade isn’t exciting to me. I’ve also been talking to Darcy about other ideas for a blog. But it feels like Chicago is all I’ve ever wanted, and I don’t know if I want to give up the job of my dreams to move to the middle of nowhere.”
“Can I be honest with you?” Penelope’s brow creased.
“Of course.” Sophie needed honest now more than ever. Her future was at stake.
“You didn’t really seem happy to me. You seemed active and busy, but not fulfilled.” She tucked a lock of hair behind her ears. “Maddie and I talked about it, but we couldn’t figure it out.”
Was that true? She thought of all the events and constant outings she’d planned, like she was trying to fill up every second of her time. And then it hit her like a ton of bricks. She’d been ... lonely. Penelope was married, Maddie was married. The world had been moving on without her, and it brought up all those old feelings of abandonment. She’d been manically creating nonstop excitement in her life to avoid the loss.
Like all revelations, it seemed totally obvious, followed by a big ol’ “now what?” But she couldn’t lay that on Penelope, who would take it to heart when she’d done absolutely nothing wrong. She’d lived her life. That’s what she was supposed to do.
Now it was time for Sophie to do the same. She shifted her attention to her friend, her sister not by blood but by heart. “I don’t know the answer. But I’m hoping the next couple of days will help me figure it out.”
“I hope so.” Penelope reached out and touched her hand. “But while you do, remember one thing, okay?”
“What’s that?”
“As someone who spent a lot of years in love with someone I couldn’t be with, I guess I want you to think about the fact that some people aren’t replaceable.”
“So you think that Evan was your one and only love?”
She tucked her hair behind her ear and sighed. “I think it’s more that I wouldn’t have let myself love that way again, if that makes any sense at all. If we’d never found our way together again, would I have eventually fallen in love with someone else and gotten married? I don’t know. Probably. But it wouldn’t have been him, and I wouldn’t have loved in the same wild, soul-crushing way.” She chuckled a little. “Which, as you know, isn’t always an advantage, but tends to be very worth it.”
“I know what you mean.”
“Desperate, needy love is a pain in the ass, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“Is it still like that? Even married?”
She sighed. “Yeah, it is. It doesn’t have the angst. Doesn’t have that sinking pit in my stomach, warning we’re about to implode at any second. But it’s still a storm, you know? A good storm, like the kind we used to go run outside in, screaming like banshees as it poured and the skies rolled while the sun blazed. That’s how it feels to be with Evan.”
Sophie nodded, her throat unbearably tight. “I’ll remember.”
* * *
Sophie sat in the reception area of François’s office, her legs crossed, waiting for him to come get her. She’d been in interviews all day with key staff, and he was the last on the list. It had been a long day, but as soon as she’d walked into the building she’d slipped right into PR mode, despite the horrible night’s sleep she had.
As luck would have it, Ryder had a work emergency and hadn’t been able to call her last night. Not talking to him made her restless and agitated, unable to settle in enough to rest.
But when she’d woke, she’d dressed to the nines, put on a bright face, and knocked every single interview she’d had out of the park. And with each interview she passed with flying colors, the more she confronted the truth. A secret part of her had hoped the job was hype, that it wouldn’t be what she wanted, or she’d hate the people.
But none of that was the case.
Simply put, the job was a dream. It was everything she’d ever envisioned for herself. It was multimedia, high profile, connected, fun, and challenging and called on all her skills and abilities. Everyone she’d met had been warm, welcoming, and excited about her coming on board.
And with every conversation she had, the pit in the bottom of her stomach grew. This was her job. She felt it in her bones.
She’d be able to buy a condo, shop every day, go out to fancy restaurants and be invited to all the best places, and travel to Europe.
All she saw was Ryder, and something else that surprised her.
She saw them watching TV on her couch, his arm around her, his lips brushing her neck.
Her small office overlooking Main Street filled with plans for the tiny houses resort.
His body covering hers, his bare chest against her breasts, his weight heavy and delicious.
Walking into a storefront and shaking the owner’s hand, talking about new opportunities.
Sunday mornings on the deck, reading the news, her eyelids still heavy as she melted into the sun.
And a blog. A blog about a big-city girl and small-town life.
That was what she’d thought about, been distracted by.
“Sophie, darling.” François’s voice ripped her from her thoughts.
She smiled at the handsome older man and stood, holding out her arms while he kissed her on both cheeks. “So good to see you.”
He pointed as they walked down the corridor.
“How’s everyone been treating you?” he asked as they made their way into a sleek office with spectacular views and floor-to-ceiling windows.
“Fantastic,” she said, stepping to look at the skyline before shaking her head. “This is pretty spectacular.”
He came to stand beside her. “Isn’t it, though? I figured if I have to work all day, I might as well feel like I’m outside.”
“It’s breathtaking.” Because it was, it just ... she didn’t know . . . that feeling of being home was distant and far away. She turned her attention to the man poised to become her next boss. “How’s John-Paul?”
“Good, working hard as always.” François pointed to a round table in the corner next to a wall lined with bookshelves. “Come, let’s sit down.”
They situated themselves and she gave him her brightest smile. “Thank you so much for inviting me in. Everyone has been a pure pleasure.”
He laughed. “I told them to be on their best behavior so as to not scare you away.”
“Mission accomplished.”
“So tell me about your morning. I’d like to hear your thoughts.”
Sophie had always been quick on her feet, and she quickly summarized each interview, commenting on things they’d discussed as needs and coming up with various solutions or possibilities on the fly. But her responses were automatic. Not filled with excitement. Instead, she found herself drifting to Revival.
She finished her speech and François nodded. “Good, good. You know the job is yours, I already told you I wanted you on board. We both know you’ll be an excellent addition, and I can tell by what you’ve talked about already how many ideas you have. You’ll probably have more ideas than we can possibly implement. But tell me, what’s your greatest reservation?”
To her horror, the second he asked the question, her eyes welled with tears. She shook her head. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry.”
His brow furrowed and he plucked a tissue from the shelf behind him. “Oh dear, what’s the matter?”
“Nothing, I’m totally fine.” She wiped under her eyes, took a deep breath to control herself, and squared her shoulders. This was a business meeting. “I apologize. So, anyway, about your current strategic plan—”
He held up his hand, cutting her off. “Is this about that gorgeous man you were with?”
She fought to keep herself together, using every trick she could think of to collect her emotions and tuck them away until a much more appropriate time. But then she looked into François’s concerned gaze, and all the fight and vigor seeped out of her. She nodded.
He gave her a gentle smile. “What’s the problem?”
She lowered her gaze. “He doesn’t live here.”
“Oh, yes, well, that is a problem.” He sighed. “Do you love him?”
“Yes, more than anything.”
“And does he love you?”
She nodded.
“You’ll have to work it out, then, there’s no other choice.” He sat forward and put his elbows on the table. “Would you like some advice?”
She waved her hand and gave a harsh bitter laugh. “Sure, why not, everyone else seems to have their input.”
He grinned. “Well, bear with me.”
“I’m listening.” God, she had such a headache, and she was so, so tired. All she wanted was to go home.
“Do what makes you happy.”
She blinked at him. “That’s it?”
He laughed. “You don’t understand, Sophie girl. Not what you think makes you happy, but what you know will make you happy.”
She pressed a finger into her temple and rubbed. What did all of that mean? “I’m not sure I understand the difference.”
“Did John-Paul ever tell you I was engaged to be married?” With a wicked grin, he lowered his voice. “To a woman?”
Surprise lit through her. “No. How scandalous.”
He laughed. “I grew up in a nice, conservative household and my entire future was mapped out for me. Of course, I had nigglings. The inappropriate crush on a friend, a couple of random make-out sessions I chalked up to being a horny teenager. But I had my plan of what I wanted, and it sure as hell didn’t include hooking up with men. To be honest, I wanted no part of it.”
It was hard to imagine, he was so comfortable in his own skin.
He waved a hand. “I won’t bore you with all the details, but basically one day something snapped and I decided there was a difference between what I thought made me happy and what really made me happy.” He winked at her. “Never wore a polo shirt again.”
“Thank God.” She laughed.
“All I’m suggesting is that sometimes we need to get out of our own way. That it’s the decision that is filled with angst and chaos, but once you choose, accept your path and truth, life gets a whole lot clearer. I don’t know what the answer is for you and your man. Maybe it’s here, or maybe it’s there. That isn’t really the question on the table.”
Throat tight, she asked, “What’s the question on the table?”
“Do you choose him? Does he choose you? Make that choice, and decide the rest together.”
“Thanks.” She glanced out the window, thinking about Ryder and home. She sighed.
“Why don’t we do this.” François’s voice shook her back to the room. “You have the job. It’s yours if you want it. But go, take a week and figure out what makes Sophie happy under all the noise in your head.”
“I will. Thanks.” She stood and they hugged. “I’ll call by the end of the week.”
He kissed her head. “Be happy, Sophie darling. You deserve it.”
She said her good-byes and intended on walking back to Penelope’s but instead found herself jumping in a cab. After fifteen minutes she stood by the lake, staring into the vastness of the water, shoes dangling from her fingertips, as the icy water licked at her toes. She used to come to the lake when she was a kid, wandering by herself when she’d been way too young.
It had always soothed her.
Back then she’d walk until she finally made her way onto one of the piers, gazing into the water, making plans and dreams about her life and what she wanted to become. She’d grown up watching shows like Friends and Sex and the City, plotting her own glamorous city life filled with shoes and shopping and brunch with her girlfriends. So different from the relentless toes-in-the-earth spiritual dogma she was surrounded with at home.
In her mind, that was what she thought made her happy.
The wind whipped through her hair, and as she gazed out, she gave it all up. She stopped trying to figure it out. Stopped trying to come up with a solution. She took François’s advice and quieted the noise in her head.
Despite her fancy suit, she sat down on the sand, closed her eyes, let the breeze blow over her, and listened to the sound of the water lapping on the shore. She sat like that for a long, long time.
Not focused on the past, or her problems, but on herself. To what called to her. Home. That was what she’d been thinking about all morning. What she’d kept longing for as she fought traffic and sat in endless meetings. She’d kept longing for home.
And somehow home had started to look a lot like Ryder’s.
As the knowledge settled over her, peace stole through her.
She opened her eyes. And knew. All the turmoil settled, the spinning in her head eased, and she finally understood what she wanted. She wanted nights on the couch with Ryder. Walking down Main Street with people calling her name. Going over to Maddie’s and sitting in her backyard or down by the river. Hanging out in the hot tub with Darcy and Griffin. She wanted to improve Revival and get hugged by strangers because they were grateful.
And Ryder, always Ryder.
Ryder and Revival were home. The only home she’d ever truly had. The only home she’d ever truly wanted.
At long last, she finally knew where she belonged.