Chapter Twenty-Five
At work Monday morning, Sophie stared at herself in the bathroom mirror and counted to ten in an attempt to calm herself. When that didn’t work, she counted to twenty.
After that, she gave up and walked back to her office.
In fifteen minutes she had a meeting with the project team and would see Ryder for the first time since Saturday night. After spending the day with Penelope in the full throes of their breakup rituals established back when they were in high school, she’d gotten home late on Sunday night. Ryder’s house had been dark, and she tried not to think about him inside, his long body stretched over his bed where she’d spent countless hours.
Since this was a small town, people already seemed to know things had gone to hell between them. She saw it in Griff’s face when he’d offered a soft “good morning.” In the pitying look his stern-eyed secretary had given her. And countless other ways.
She’d talked to Maddie on the way home, driving down the highway in the middle of nowhere, crying her eyes out as Maddie attempted to console her. She’d cried more tears in one day than she had in the last five years combined. All she could hope was to get through this meeting without a breakdown. At the moment, it seemed too much to ask.
A knock on the door had her starting in her seat, and even though she didn’t want to talk to anyone, she called the visitor in. Anything to distract her in these last minutes before she was forced to see him was welcome.
The distraction didn’t work.
Ryder stood in the doorway, dressed in his uniform, looking like shit.
Throat tight, she blinked.
They stared at each other. The silence suffocated her.
He cleared his throat. “I wanted to talk to you.”
Unable to speak, she nodded.
He walked forward and handed her a file. “I thought it best if I skipped today’s meeting. You have it covered anyway.”
That wasn’t what she wanted to hear. She wanted to hear he was as desperate for her as she was for him. That he couldn’t stand not being with her. That he needed her and would take any time they had together. All the things rioting around in her heart, she wanted to hear from him. But instead he confirmed what he’d said the other night.
That he could no longer be around her.
She clenched her teeth, grinding them together so hard her jaw ached.
He shoved his now-empty hands into his pockets. “I talked with Griffin, and he’s fine with me backing off the project. You’ve done most of the heavy lifting since you came to work here anyway.”
Her bottom lip quivered. She wouldn’t even have an excuse to see him. Even though they lived next door to each other, she knew he would avoid all contact with her. He was systematically severing all ties with her.
She managed to squeak out, “Okay.”
“I can’t imagine you’ll need anything, but if you do, you know where to find me. I’ll help if I can, but for now I think this is better.”
Better for whom? she wanted to scream but kept quiet. It was better. At least this way he wouldn’t be sitting there staring at her with those silver eyes.
“Do you need anything before I go?”
She shook her head.
Their gazes locked, held together, and a thousand silent things passed between them. A muscle in his jaw twitched. “Take care of yourself.”
“You too.”
Then he turned and left, closing the door behind him.
Tears welled in her eyes and she brushed them away. She had a job to do.
He gave her no choice but to put this mess behind her. All she needed to do was get through the day. Then the next one. And the one after that. Every day it would get better. Easier.
Time healed all wounds. Or so they said.
* * *
Two weeks had gone by.
She wasn’t any better.
In fact, she was worse. Ryder avoided all contact with her. If she was outside, he was in. If their paths happened to cross, it was awkward, brief, and filled with tension.
Only a week away, the Fourth Festival thankfully kept her so busy her days were filled. One thing she’d learned about her time in Revival was small-town citizens were far more involved than Chicago ones ever seemed to be, and they barraged her with constant questions and suggestions.
It filled the endless hours, and that was all she cared about.
This afternoon, she sat in Earl’s Diner across from Maddie, pretending to eat. She’d lost weight and was starting to look model thin, so at least she had that going for her.
“Soph?” Maddie asked.
Sophie blinked her into focus. She’d drifted off again. Her brain was always so fuzzy, so clouded and hazy. “What?”
“I asked if you were okay.” Her friend’s face was creased with concern.
“I’m fine,” she lied, before clearing her throat and delivering the news. “François called this morning. I’m going in for the first round of interviews the Tuesday after the festival.”
Maddie’s pretty face pulled tight. “Is that what you want?”
“Of course.” It was the only bright spot in her life at the moment. “It’s a great opportunity.”
Maddie’s brows furrowed. She opened her mouth and closed it again, shaking her head.
“What?”
There was silence before she finally sighed. “I know it’s a great opportunity, but I guess I’m asking you to think about it. Think about what really makes you happy.”
Defensiveness sat heavy in her stomach, and short on sleep, she snapped, “Why is everyone putting this on me? What? Because I’m the girl, I need to give up my entire life for a guy?”
“What? No!” Maddie ran a hand through her red hair. “It’s not that.”
“Then what is it?”
“You’re just so unhappy.”
“I’ll get over it.” She was sure she wouldn’t, but she had to believe this would pass.
“All I’m saying is Ryder wanted to talk about a future. Would it be so horrible if you at least heard what he had to say?”
“For what purpose?”
“Did you ever consider maybe he’d want to go with you? If Chicago is really what you want?”
Sophie’s mouth fell open and she sputtered. “Of course not.”
“Why? When it’s so clear you guys are miserable apart.”
“Ryder isn’t going to give up his life to move to Chicago with me.”
“How do you know that?”
Sophie took a deep breath. “Why on earth would he?”
Maddie’s head tilted and she touched Sophie’s hand across the table.
She snatched it away. She couldn’t stand sympathy right now. It would break her.
Maddie sighed, and when she spoke, her voice was soft. “Because he loves you, Soph.”
Even if it were true, why would it matter? It wouldn’t, but she was tired of explaining that to everyone, so she didn’t bother. She shrugged. “It’s over. In case you haven’t noticed, he wants nothing to do with me.”
Maddie shook her head. “I haven’t noticed that at all.”
Sophie turned and looked out the window onto Revival’s Main Street. It really was pretty here. Getting prettier by the day as the town took on new life. A life she’d helped build. It gave her an unexpected satisfaction.
In Chicago her work sometimes felt indirect, hard to quantify outside the numbers the accountant types loved so much. That’s why she’d started her After Dark blog in the first place. She saw the direct fruits of her labor when a previously unknown gem suddenly exploded with business.
Her work in Revival was like that too. Maybe that was why she hadn’t really missed her job too much. The citizens of the town informed her of the impact of her work . . . incessantly, whether she wanted it or not.
The bell over the door rang and she glanced toward the sound. Everything inside her stilled at the sight of Ryder and Charlie. All her muscles stiffened. She bit her lip.
The morning when she’d first come to town and sat in this diner with him rushed over her. They hadn’t sat together that day. Had barely spoken. But even then she’d known it was on. She remembered the way he’d flirted with her, giving her that smile of his and those slow, heated once-overs.
It seemed like a lifetime ago.
Charlie waved to them, and Maddie waved back, but Sophie stayed frozen. Ryder wore a baseball hat today, low enough to shadow his eyes. He tipped the brim at her and moved off to a booth as far away from her as possible.
“You okay?” Maddie asked, her brows creased, her mouth pinched.
She nodded and offered a bitter smile. “Small towns, right? Bound to happen.”
“Maybe you should go talk to him.”
“And say what?”
“That you miss him,” Maddie suggested, as though it was the easiest thing in the world.
Sophie shook her head. “Then what?”
“I don’t know, maybe he misses you too, and hearing it will help break the tension between you.”
They were pulled so tight it felt like they could snap at any second. Out of the corner of her eye, she glanced at him, and her heartbeat sped up. As gorgeous as he was, that wasn’t what she missed. And it wasn’t the crazy, insane sex either.
It was him.
The way he laughed at her antics when they watched I Survived.
The way she put her feet on his lap and he cupped her ankle, stroking absently over the bone.
The way he drove out of his way to get her Starbucks when she was having a hectic day.
And acted like he’d constructed a ten-course meal when he made her nachos.
How he wanted to hear everything about her. Or told her funny stories about trying to maintain order over his deputies.
But mostly, how she felt complete whenever he was around.
There were a thousand things she missed about him.
Her entire world stilled. The room quieted, and she could feel her breath too fast in her chest as her heart galloped like she was running a race.
And just like that she understood.
Understood why she wasn’t getting better. Why this wasn’t getting any easier. Her eyes filled with tears, and she looked at Maddie sitting across from her, twisting her hands with obvious worry.
She blinked and whispered, “I’m in love with Ryder.”
Maddie nodded. “I know.”
Panic sliced through her, blocking out that one second of understanding and blaring in loud brightness all around her.
She shook her head. “I need to get out of here.”
“Okay,” Maddie said, already raising her hand to signal the waitress. “Go ahead. I’ll take care of the check.”
Sophie picked up her purse and, without looking in Ryder’s direction, rushed out into the warm air, sucking in breath like she was asthmatic. She raced down the street in the direction of Maddie’s car, and when she cleared the diner’s window she sagged against the building, putting her hand on her forehead and tucking her head down to quell the light-headedness.
She loved Ryder.
For the first time in her life she was in love.
And it changed absolutely nothing.
Her life was still in Chicago. His life was here. There was nothing to hope for, no joy in the knowing, just utter panic and blinding despair.
* * *
“You okay?” Charlie asked as Ryder stared at Maddie at the cash register, frowning.
“Yeah.” He nodded, not looking away from the redhead.
Sophie had clearly been upset. She’d practically run from the restaurant, and she wasn’t a runner.
But the worst was, he’d seen her face. Her pale complexion, the shadows under her eyes, the strain across her now-prominent cheekbones.
He clenched his hand around a water glass, suppressing the urge to follow Sophie out just to assure himself that she was okay. He narrowed his eyes at Maddie.
He could stay away from Sophie but still find out how she was doing. Maddie was right there, waiting to pay.
The women were fiercely loyal to each other, so he didn’t expect any betrayals of confidence, but he could at least make sure. It was something to help deal with this need for Sophie, who was like a drug in his system.
“Give me a second.” He got up before Charlie could say anything and walked over to Maddie.
She glanced up at him, with a frown. “Hey.”
Ryder didn’t intend to beat around the bush. “Is she okay?”
The frown deepened, and she shrugged. “What do you want me to say?”
“The truth.” Ryder lifted his baseball cap and ran his hand through his hair before pulling the cap back low over his eyes. “She looks terrible.”
“You don’t look too great yourself.”
“I’m not important.”
Maddie glanced around the restaurant, tucking a lock behind her ear. “She’s my best friend, you know I can’t say anything about her to you.”
Desperation was an ache in his chest. “I’m not asking for that. I just want to make sure she’s okay. The way she left, she’s worrying me.”
Maddie nibbled on her bottom lip, much the way Sophie did when she was thinking. It didn’t surprise him they shared similar traits, considering they’d spent more than half their lives as friends, but it didn’t cause the same reaction in him.
Maddie cleared her throat. “Honestly, Ryder, I don’t think she’s okay.”
It was like a punch in the gut. He felt helpless and impotent. “What can I do?”
Maddie pointed to an empty table, getting them out of the way of other people trying to pay for their meals. They sat and she shook her head. “I don’t think there’s anything you can do. She needs to get through it on her own.”
Ryder ran a hand over his jaw. “I hate that I’m hurting her.”
“I know.” She looked over her shoulder before blowing out a breath. “When Evan and Penelope got together, I was so mad at him.”
Ryder didn’t have a fucking clue what this had to do with him and Sophie, but he kept his mouth shut instead of snapping in frustration the way he wanted.
“When I talked to him, I chastised him and said he should have picked Sophie.” Maddie met his gaze, her green eyes intent and level on him. “I said Sophie could take it. That she’d be able to get over him because she was Sophie.”
He nodded, not trusting the words that might come out of his mouth.
She sighed. “I see now I was wrong. She’s only like that because she’s never really cared before. I think, after this, I see now how she views things.”
The fine hairs on his neck lifted and he leaned forward. This seemed relevant to the cryptic shit Sam had spouted that night in his bar. “And how do you think she views things?”
She was silent for a bit, staring at the table like she was attempting to puzzle something out. “You know, right? How she grew up?”
He nodded.
She blew out a breath. “It’s hard to explain, I’m not sure I entirely get it, and I know she doesn’t. But in her mind, because her parents always chose each other and their endeavors over her, she just doesn’t really expect anyone to love her. To choose her. Not because she has low self-esteem, like it would be for most people, but it’s more like it never occurs to her. Like she has some sort of a mental block about it.”
What Sam had said fell into crystal-clear focus, and everything made sense. “I don’t think I can fix that for her.”
Maddie narrowed her gaze. “Did you tell her you love her?”
He shook his head.
“Why?”
He didn’t want to shift the conversation to him, but Maddie had been so forthcoming he couldn’t deny her the answer. “She doesn’t see a future with me. I’m not saying she doesn’t want it but that she doesn’t see it. I didn’t want to lay that on her when I know where she wants to go.”
“I think that’s the wrong choice.”
“She wants to go back home, Maddie.”
“Maybe you are her home and she doesn’t realize it.”
“I don’t know. I hope so.”
Maddie glanced toward the door. “I need to go. She’s waiting for me.”
She got up to leave but turned back to him. “You know, one of you is going to have to break down and take the risk. I think it’s going to have to be you.”
He had nothing to say to that, so he nodded and watched her go before getting up and returning to the table where Charlie sat.
Charlie raised a brow at him. “Feel better?”
“Nope.” He slid into the booth, mulling over what Maddie said, what Sam had said, and what he understood about Sophie. The things nobody else knew about her but him.
The truth was he didn’t know the answer, didn’t know what direction to turn, but there was one thing he could do, and he’d take care of that tonight.
Until then he’d need to bide his time until the answers became clear.