“She’s losing a lot of blood. We need to get her into theatre. Stat.”

My eyes flutter open and all I can see is light blinding my eyes.

“Ray? Ray, can you hear me?” a distant voice says. “I’m Doctor Ramu, and you’re in Trinity Hospital. We’re about to put you under anaesthetic.”

I want to know why. I try and get the words out, but I can’t seem to move. I’m confused, disorientated. I can’t remember how I got here. My world turns black.

When I open my eyes again, I’m in a quiet room, lying on a hospital bed. I’m hooked up to an IV, and the sun is shining through the window. I flutter my eyelashes again and it’s then I feel something restricting my hand. I look towards the source and find my mother clasping my hand, but she’s leaning on the chair at the same time in sleep. She looks awkward and I know that her neck will be sore once she wakes.

Tears prick my eyes. Is this real? Is she real?

After all these years of thinking she’s dead I can’t quite grasp the fact that she’s actually here.

“Mum,” I say, through my sobs, moving my hand underneath hers. She rouses, with a moan, but doesn’t fully wake. “Mum,” I say again, with more urgency in my voice. This time she wakes more alert than ever.

“Ray?” she asks, bolting upright. I smile through my tears and that’s when she pulls me in for a hug. “Oh my God, Ray, I was afraid I would never find you. I never gave up hope, though. Never.”

“Mum,” I say again through my sobs, hugging her tightly to me like she’ll somehow fade away, “is it really you?”

She pulls away, sniffling through her tears as she grabs my face. “I’m here, baby. I’ve always been here.”

I start to laugh through my happy tears, elated that she’s in front of me. “I thought you were dead.”

She shakes her head. “I was always out there, Ray. Always.”

I close my eyes as the anger sets in. Liam lied to me. He lied to me. Why?

I must have said it out loud because my mum answers, “Because he wanted you all to himself, Ray. He was obsessed with you. I’m so sorry I allowed him into our lives.”

I take her in for another hug, feeling all the hurt, all the pain, and all the anger at Liam and what he’s done to me and my mum. “Don’t be sorry, Mum. You were never to know that this would happen. No one would have known.”

“I’m your mother,” she answers, angrily. “I should have been there for you. I should have protected you. You were just a child!”

Child.

Baby.

Bits are coming back, but I’m still a little disorientated. “What happened?”

Mum pulls away again and grabs both my hands in hers. “A pharmacist said you had come in a couple of weeks ago for a pregnancy test. She knew that she had seen your face somewhere, but it was only when she got home later that night that it dawned on her who you were. She went online, searched for me, and got in touch through Facebook. At first, I thought it was a bad joke. We’d had no hits, and all the ones we did have proved to be nothing in the end. It was only when I spoke with her and she relayed to me what had happened that I started to have hope. She said that you had come in for a pregnancy test and had looked lost and broken. It made my heart break all over again, but at least I had a real reason to hope that you were alive. And, if it was you, at least I knew you were comparatively safe and well if you were healthy enough to be pregnant. Soon after my encounter, the police were sent to question her, and she agreed that if you came in again, she would call the police immediately.”

More hot tears fall down my face. I am starting to recall everything, and it’s then I remember why I am here.

“The baby?” I ask, not knowing whether or not I want to know the answer.

My mother looks down and shakes her head as tears start to flow down her face. “You suffered a miscarriage, Ray. The baby’s gone.”

It’s two days before Christmas, and both Easton and I have agreed to go our separate ways in order to get each other a Christmas present. Luckily, I knew just what to get him, so I was able to shop quickly before deciding to take a detour to the nearest church. I got him a watch, because although he has one he says it’s getting old. Right then I knew that a watch is what I should get. It cost me quite a bit in savings, but it’ll be worth it to see his reaction when he opens it.

Yesterday my mum arrived and she too quickly felt at ease with Easton’s family. They’re all really loving and accepting of everyone. Even Grayson’s coming around to me now. I’ve had the luck of receiving at least two further smiles since the day we arrived and we had our little chat in the garden.

No one is sitting in the church when I arrive and I’m kind of glad of that as I take my seat and contemplate everything that’s happened.

As I look up towards Jesus hanging on the cross, I cry. I’m grateful of so many things, but also I carry guilt. So, so much guilt that it eats away at my insides at times. I say a silent prayer saying sorry in the hope that one day I will be forgiven.

“Sasha?”

I snap my head up to find Easton cautiously approaching me. Despite my tears, I smile and try to wipe them away. I pull my head back towards Jesus and see in the corner of my eye that Easton’s sat next to me. He doesn’t say anything and I’m grateful for that. He’s allowing me time to go over whatever it is I need to.

I take in a deep breath and wonder for a moment how it is he knew I was here, but then I remember my mum. She would know. I assume it was her that told him where I was.

“A year ago today I lost a baby.”

The silence is so deafening, I can almost hear my heart beating. Easton doesn’t say anything. I know it’s because he’s waiting for me to continue. I swallow hard as I know how difficult this will be for me to continue, but I also know that I have to get it out.

“Two months before I was found, I bought a pregnancy test. The lady at the store recognised me, but at first she didn’t know from where.” I take a deep breath knowing what I’m about to say is the hardest thing in my life. I need to get this out, though. I trust Easton explicitly. When he takes my hand and grips it that gives me the courage to go on. I turn to him momentarily, a small smile coaxing my lips. It soon disappears when I look away.

“I went back that day and took the test. Liam found out later that day and was ecstatic.” I feel Easton gripping my hand when I mention his name. I know he hates him, but again allows me to continue my story.

“I wasn’t ready to be a mother.” Tears start to roll down my eyes when I think about everything that occurred. “He was so happy and I was so miserable. I was only seventeen, and to be honest, I think deep down I knew I wasn’t in love with Liam. I was just so swept away by him and by all that I thought he had done for me.” I dip my head in shame and sniffle before looking back up.

“When I went back to the pharmacy to get some folic acid for the baby, the pharmacist was there again and recognised me from last time. She managed to sneak me in the back room and that’s when she told me that my mother was alive. The shock caused my body to shut down. I woke up later in the hospital connected to a drip. My mum was there and she told me that I had lost the baby.” I start to sob and that’s when Easton throws his arms around me.

“I’m so sorry that you ever went through that, Sasha. You should never have been put through the trauma of losing a child.”

“But that’s just it,” I say, wiping my nose and pulling away. “When my mother told me and started crying, do you know what the only feeling running through me was?” He shakes his head. “Relief,” I say, trying to bite my lip to stop myself from crying. “I had just lost a baby, and all I could think about was how relieved I was. What kind of person does that make me?”

“Oh, shit, Sasha, come here.” He pulls me into his arms again and starts stroking my hair. “You know what that makes you?” he responds, gripping me tightly to him. “It makes you human. It makes you a victim of a life you were forced to live. You never asked for what happened to you, Sasha. You asked for none of it. If anyone should feel blame or guilt about what happened, it should be that fucker, Liam. Do you hear me?”

Fresh hot tears pool down my face as I nod my head. “The guilt,” I whisper. “It still haunts me.”

He pulls me away cupping my face in his hands as he captures me with his soft brown eyes. Eyes that are now glistening with unshed tears. “If I could take that guilt away, I would. That’s something we need to work on together, but I will tell you one thing, lassie. No guilt should ever be placed on a child. Ever. Especially one that’s had to live through a hell that you have. He is to blame for all of this. Not you. Never you. You didn’t ask for what happened, so you can’t be blamed for feeling that relief. And I know this sounds completely cliché and totally inappropriate, but the baby obviously wasn’t meant to be anyway. He doesn’t deserve to have a child. He’s not worthy to be a father. You, on the other hand will be a worthy fantastic mother.” I start to shake my head, but he grips my head tightly. “Don’t,” he warns with determination in his voice. “The mere fact that you’re here in this church, crying over the guilt you feel speaks volumes. Do you really think He would want you to suffer now after all the suffering you have already endured?” He flicks his head to the figure of Jesus, and I follow the direction of his gaze. I turn back, shaking my head. “Of course He wouldn’t. He knows in your heart that you feel that guilt, but I’m sure all He wants is for you to carry on with your life. Live it without remorse or regrets. Nobody blames you for what happened, Sasha—no one except for you that is. I just hope that one day you will let that guilt float away completely.”

I smile through my tears, and my vision blurs for a moment. When I manage to see a bit more clearly, Easton is smiling back at me. He kisses me gently on the lips, making me breathless. “That’s better. You have such an amazing smile.” I bite my lip, but something makes me laugh. “What?” he asks, amusement clear in his voice.

I lean forward so I can whisper this as quietly as possible. “You said fucker inside of a church.” I start to giggle, which sets him off in turn.

“I did, didn’t I?” I nod my head and we start to laugh together. “I wonder how many Hail Mary’s I will need to say before I’m forgiven.”

“Oh, I think at least a hundred.”

“A hundred?” His eyes widen making me laugh further. He looks up to Jesus again before shaking his head in amusement. “Boy, am I going to be busy.” Our giggles echo off the church walls. “Do you need another minute?” he asks, squeezing my hand again.

I shake my head. “No, I think I’m good.” We smile at each other for a moment before I say, “Thank you.”

“You never need to thank me, baby. It’s what I’m here for.”