One small miracle was efficiently stopped from pulling on her brother Morogh's hair by Grizel, the woman Islaen felt almost fully responsible for her small daughter's survival, God and Wallace taking the rest of the credit. Liusadh was still tiny but she was very much alive, striving as hard as her brothers to throw off the dependency of infancy. Islaen was so pleased to have her daughter alive and growing that she felt little jealousy about the way Liusadh turned so often to Grizel rather than her mother.
Grizel had followed Wallace's instructions for plenty of warmth and food with a vengeance. Islaen often mused that, until just recently, Liusadh had seemed permanently attached to Grizel's ample bosom. Not only had Grizel carried the child next to her warmth with a blanket sling all day, but she had slept with the child at night to further thwart the damp and the chill. Islaen felt Grizel's grief over her own dead child had turned into an iron determination that Liusadh would live.
Islaen scowled out the window thinking of Iain. She knew full well that Muircraig was no ruin, yet Iain was working long enough hours to have built it from the first stone up. Either that or she would find herself moved into a place fit for a king.
"Does he not plan to return here this night?” asked Storm, breaking into Islaen's less than kind thoughts about her beloved husband.
"Aye, he will return to eat a hearty meal, quaff a few tankards of ale, then collapse upon his bed to snore the night away."
"His bed? He still sleeps apart from ye?” Storm's voice echoed the incredulity written upon her face.
"Quite apart,” Islaen said mournfully. “An his own chambers are too close, he runs to that cursed keep.” She looked down at her figure, then at Storm. “I cannae see that I have changed since having the bairns."
"Nay, ye were back to yourself long ago."
"Then what is it? There must be some reason."
"Mayhaps he fears ye will get with child again too soon."
"That isnae it, for I plan to use those things. I dinnae want to bear a bairn a year. If they come I willnae pine but I cannae see any wrong in resting a wee bit.” Islaen grimaced. “Especially an I am to bear three at a time."
"Does Iain know you feel so?"
"Aye. I told him that. An I had born naught but a girl I might have tried again quickly for a son, but there isnae any need for that. In one sitting I have given him an heir and anither son as surety. Nay, Iain cannae be afeard of that."
After a moment of deep mutual thought Storm saw Islaen pale suddenly. “What ails ye, Islaen?"
"Ye dinnae think he has a woman, do ye? Mayhaps at Muircraig even?"
"Nay,” Storm replied confidently. “These MacLagan men have their faults but they are faithful. As long as the wife warms the bed they will not stray or, at least, not willingly. They are not the sort to keep a mistress. Ye have not turned Iain from your bed?"
"He turns himself from it. I am willing near to shamelessness. Ye forget, though, that he didnae want to wed me."
"T'was not ye but any woman and well you know it. He did not wish to bury another wife. Ye have eased his fear there. Nay, I will not believe it of Iain, an only because he ne'er was the wencher his brothers were and are. If Tavis can be faithful, then Iain certainly can."
Islaen's fears were not so easily put to rest. “I disobeyed him. It could turn him away."
"He understood that, Islaen. I heard him forgive ye with my own ears. Ye need not worry on that count."
She did not want to worry that there was another woman for it tied her stomach into agonizing knots but neither could she put the thought completely aside. Word had come through the usual extensive chain of gossip that Mary was indeed at home and still unwed.
Telling herself that it was wrong to distrust him did not help. He had loved Mary. Though it hurt to admit it, he did not love her. One turning away from Mary's freely offered charms did not mean that he would consistently reject the woman. His sense of honor would surely weaken in favor of his heart's dictates.
Recalling his disillusionment that night did not help either. That could fade. The memory of a love shared could make him doubt his opinion. Mary was one who could make full and quick use of that doubt. The woman was one of those who could easily appear innocent no matter how guilty she was. She was also a woman who learned from her errors and would be careful to hold her temper so as not to expose her real nature and aims to Iain a second time. Mary was also one of those women who could sorely tempt a man no matter how he felt about her and Iain had been nearly six months without a woman, if he had been faithful.
"Which isnae my fault,” Islaen thought angrily. She had been more than willing to share his bed again. Once healed from the birth of their children she had gently hinted such to Iain. He seemed oblivious to hints.
She tried to put those thoughts out of her head but it proved impossible. As she lay awake in her lonely bed she found herself wondering if Iain's was as lonely. It seemed impossible that a man as lusty as Iain could go so long without a woman. She was finding it painfully difficult to go so long without him. For a week she tortured herself with thoughts of Iain having a lover, then sought out Storm for advice. There had to be something she could do.
Finding Storm working in her garden, Islaen sat down on one of the rough benches Storm had had placed there. The flowers were blooming and their sweet scent was refreshing. Islaen could see why even the men no longer teased Storm for planting what many thought was frivolous. It was peaceful and soothing to sit among nature's beauty.
"I have a problem, Storm,” she said abruptly, not wanting to be wooed by the garden into forgetting her purpose for coming.
"I did wonder. Ye are looking wan as if something preys upon your mind."
"Aye, Iain."
"That hardly surprises me. Ye still do not think he has a woman, do ye?"
"Aye, I fear I do. Part of me scolds me for being so mistrustful but that doesnae stop the wondering. He is no wencher, as ye said, and he is a mon that holds dear his vows but he is also a mon that has been months without a woman."
"And ye have been months without a man."
"Aye, and as I think on how I feel the doubts grow stronger. A mon isnae bound by the same rules we are."
"Mayhaps if ye go to his bed, let him know ye are ready and willing."
"I thought on that. I did it when he took to sleeping apart from me after I told him I was with child. When he does come to sleep at Caraidland, however, his sleep is of the dead. I dinnae think I could rouse him. Also, why should I always be the one? ‘Tis pride that makes me say that, I ken it, but, truly, does there ne'er come a time when I should cease running after him, pulling him back to me?"
Sitting back on her heels, Storm looked at Islaen for a moment. “Aye, and I fear I should have reached it ere now."
"Nay.” Islaen smiled faintly. “Ye suffered a lot to win Tavis's love."
"Aye but he ne'er stayed out of my bed. ‘Tis why I have trouble knowing what to say to help you. Aye, Tavis and I had many troubles but they were not the same. Had I been a Scot, Tavis would have wed me soon after I came here. All I had to do was make him love me, make him see that he did. Ye could get that from Iain and still have troubles. I do not know what to tell you."
"Tell me what ye would do in my position. I have many an idea, I but need some direction."
"Well, I would swallow my anger and give him one more chance. He will come here soon that is certain."
"Aye, whate'er he feels for me, he cannae stay away from the babes too long."
"I think ‘tis ye he comes to see too,” Storm said softly and Islaen shrugged. “One more chance. Iain's fears about childbirth ran deep and strong. He may see now that he was wrong but that does not mean he has ceased to view childbirth as a greater trial than mayhaps it is. Ye had three babes, Islaen. Three. Many still find that hard to believe, do not understand how ye could do that and heal as ye did. Iain may feel the same. He may be giving ye extra time to heal."
"Twa months a bairn? ‘Tis a muckle long time indeed,” Islaen said dryly.
"Aye, too long but ye must remember his fears, remember that he looks upon childbirth differently than we do."
"True. Ye are right. He could think such a birth needs a far longer time of healing than an I had but one bairn. Why he cannae see with his own eyes that I am fine, I cannae say. I think ‘tis wrong that men keep apart from childbirth as much as they do. ‘Tis what makes them get such strange ideas. ‘Tis no more dangerous than the battles they are e'er fighting."
"Tavis faces it much as he does a battle.” Storm laughed softly. “Ah, but we puzzle them as much as they do us."
"'Tis just.” Islaen exchanged a grin with Storm, then grew serious. “So, I give him another chance. Then what? He could do as he has done since the birthing, naught but sleep like the dead, and then run back to Muircraig."
"Ye could hobble him until he comes to his senses."
"'Tis passingly tempting,” Islaen drawled.
"Well, then ye must chase him again I fear. ‘Tis all I can think of."
"I thought of packing up and going home but I fear he wouldnae stop me nor come for me."
"That would be your last ploy, the one born of desperation."
"Aye, tell him what I think, that I have no marriage so might as weel return to being my fither's wee lass."
"Exactly, but first go after him one last time, just once and not so blatantly as putting yourself in his bed."
"Ah, ye mean tempt him and see if he takes the bait, come at him from behind and gently, ye mean."
Storm nodded. “Ye must reach him when he is awake, alert and has not prepared himself for seeing you."
"He is ne'er like that when he is here. To catch him like that I must needs reach him at Muircraig."
"I fear so. ‘Tis a longish ride but do ye not think t'would be worth it an it works? Ye would have him back."
"As much as he would let me, aye. ‘Tis a thought, better than most of mine. What excuse would I give for going?"
"Take him a meal. What excuse do ye need? Ye are his wife and ye see him little."
"Or mayhaps I but wish to see how near to done he is, what Muircraig looks like."
"Quite so. ‘Tis to be your home. He would ne'er think it strange that ye wish to look upon it."
"So, then, when I draw him off to be alone with me, I seduce him."
"Aye."
"I am nay sure I ken how."
"It should not be hard to do. I would think a man having been without for so long should be easy game."
"Aye, an he has any passion left for me,” Islaen whispered, voicing her fears. “T'was all I had and I fear I may have lost e'en that."
"I do not believe that but I know the fears that plague you and only Iain can cure them.” Storm reached out and took Islaen's hand in hers in a gesture of sympathy. “'Tis hard to love yet not know if that love is returned. I know that well. I dare not tell ye that he loves you but I do feel certain that he cares, he cares a lot. The way he has acted each time ye have been in danger shows it."
Islaen tried to remember that as the days crept by. She tried to use it to lift her sagging spirits and quell her fears. Unfortunately, she knew that the man Iain was could account for how he had acted when she had been in peril. He was a man who would always stand to protect those smaller and weaker than himself.
It was a week after her talk with Storm that Islaen woke in the middle of the night. A noise in the chamber next to hers told her what had woken her up. Iain had returned. She lay tensely in her bed, but was not really surprised when all went quiet and he did not show.
Silently she slipped from her bed and crept into his chambers. She simply had to look at him. It felt as if it had been years since she had caught even a glimpse of the man she called husband.
Staring at him she felt worry twist her heart. She felt guilty too for she found herself a little glad that the way their lives were at the moment was not doing him much good. He looked haggard and worn. He certainly did not look a man content with his life for even in his sleep he looked troubled, the lines of worry not fading with sleep's relaxing hold.
She wished he would confide in her even as she feared the knowledge of what troubled him. MacLennon was still a threat but she could not believe that was all of it. Something else preyed upon him and she felt frustrated that he gave her no clue as to what that was. It left her prey to her own fears and she had the feeling that they were worse than the real problem. Sighing, she clenched her hands into fists to resist the urge to touch him and crept back to her own bed.
In the morning she found Iain in the nursery. She ruthlessly quelled an attack of jealousy over how he sought out the children yet worked so hard to avoid her. No matter what happened between herself and Iain she knew she should be glad that he loved the children. Children needed a parent's love and, from what she had seen, too few gave it.
Inwardly bracing herself she entered the nursery. She had vowed that he would find no reason in her words or actions to justify his neglect and she intended to stick to that vow. It was getting a lot harder to do, she mused. The urge to beat him soundly with a heavy, blunt object was harder to resist, she admitted to herself as she sat down across from him.
"They seem to have grown apace each time I see them. They will soon be walking."
'Probably by the next time ye decide to grace your family with your presence,’ she thought crossly, then took a deep breath to cool her anger before answering, “Aye, Morogh can pull himself to his feet e'en now."
He laughed and gently ruffled Morogh's wine-red curls. “He will be a devil, I am thinking."
"Aye, Padruig is much quieter. My fither feels ‘tis Liusadh we must watch, though. He said that e'en before we kenned that she would survive. Fither felt that a wee lass who could hold off death whilst still a bairn was one who would be a right devil."
For an hour they spoke of and played with the children. Then the boys began to fret, wanting their meal. Without thought, unused to Iain's presence, Islaen began to nurse Morogh. She blushed when she caught him staring at her. For one moment she met his gaze, then he hastily left. She was almost certain she had seen wanting in his eyes, that blaze of passion that had been so long absent, yet, she mused, an he felt so why did he do nothing about it? Sighing, she forced her full attention to her children as Grizel hurried in to see to Liusadh's feeding. She was growing weary of trying to understand her husband. It only gave her a headache in the end.
Once away from Islaen, Iain hurried to his chambers. He splashed cold water on his face several times but it did no good. With a groan, he sprawled on his bed and indulged in a lengthy, colorful bout of cursing.
When Islaen had put their son to her breast Iain had felt every lustful inclination he had worked so hard to subdue spring to life. He had come very close to taking her, there on the floor in the midst of their children. Before he actually succumbed to such a rash urge he had fled the room. Fleeing had not stilled his urge for her, however. He briefly wondered if he should just give in and return to her bed.
It was not easy but he shook away that temptation. He had to keep on as he had been. It was best for both of them. He had seen that he could not walk any middle ground with Islaen. It was all or nothing. Although it twisted his heart he had decided that it would be nothing and would stay with that decision. After seeing how weak he was in the nursery, he decided that he had better make this visit a short one, that he had not yet gained the strength he sought. When he greeted a guest to Caraidland a little later he wavered in that decision.
"Alex,” Islaen cried with delight when she entered the hall that evening and he rose to meet her. “When did ye come?"
"Only a short while ago.” He kissed her hand. “Ye look as lovely as ever."
"Flattery. How is your daughter? Weel?"
"Aye and I am anxious to see how your brood has grown. I ken weel how swiftly bairns change o'er the days."
Although she told herself to be careful, for Alexander still looked at her with wanting, Islaen enjoyed his company as they dined. He could make her laugh and feel womanly, neither of which Iain had done in a long while. When she caught Iain sending dark looks at her and Alexander she paid him no heed. If he did not like Alexander talking to her, then he could keep her company himself, she thought crossly. He did not want anything to do with her but it seemed he wanted no one else to either.
When Islaen retired for the night, Alexander turned his attentions to Iain. “I can see how pleased ye are to see me."
"Ye have a way of quickly wearing your welcome thin."
"Why? Because I pay heed to your wee wife as ye ne'er do?"
"Ye enter into what isnae your concern."
"Ye are a fool, Iain MacLagan. Ye turn aside that which many a mon craves."
"I must. There is an axe hanging o'er my neck. She could be made a widow at any time, but I will at least leave her heart free."
"What heart is left after ye toss it about. We all have an axe hanging o'er our necks, my friend."
"Aye, but we dinnae all ken when it will drop nor who will wield it. I do. T'will be soon and t'will be MacLennon."
"How can ye be sure t'will be soon?"
"Because the mon lurks near as he ne'er has before. He is hunted as he ne'er has been before too, and is pressed to move fast. My allies draw ever nearer to him. Aye, he has to strike soon for he is but a step ahead of a sword himself."
"That doesnae mean ye will die."
"'Tis a great possibility and weel ye ken it. At least I can save Islaen from too much grief."
"But is that your decision to make? ‘Tis her heart. She might feel the chance is worth taking."
"'Tis my place as her husband to protect her from hurt. I am doing so."
"Are ye? Or, are ye protecting yourself? Do ye ken what I think ye do?"
"Nay, but I ken ye will tell me for all that."
"Aye, I will for I feel ye ought to think on it. ‘Tis not just her grief ye try to prevent but your own. Ye hold her away because ye dinnae want to ken what ye can have with her, thus what ye can lose if ye lose her or ye die."
"Really?” Iain said tightly. “Say ye are right. What would ye, in all your great wisdom, suggest I do?"
Ignoring that sarcasm, Alexander replied, “Stop this game. Ye have no marriage. If God means to take ye, He will. Ye cannae stop that. Do ye mean to waste the time ye have? ‘Tis what ye do now. And Islaen's. Ye keep her locked in a barren marriage thinking to protect her, yet, if ye but asked, ye would ken weel that isnae what she wants. She wants to enjoy what she can while she lives, not shut herself away from life and love because she might die tomorrow. ‘Tis what ye should do."
Alexander's words struck deep and Iain could find no response. Uttering a harsh curse, he left Alexander, left the hall and retreated to his chambers. He did not want to think on all Alexander had said, wanted to deny it and forget it, but the man's words pounded in his brain demanding attention. With a soft curse, he decided it would be a long night.
Balancing Morogh on her hip, Islaen watched Iain prepare to leave, checking the cinches on his saddle. Her brother went with him and Alexander had been asked but had refused. She supposed she ought to be glad that Iain was always so well protected but she really wished that someone would stop him from leaving at all. If he were to be made to stay home they might just be able to lessen the chasm that now seemed to yawn between them.
"Muircraig must be near done,” she murmured when he stopped before her to give her a kiss much like the ones he bestowed upon the children, a cool kiss upon her cheek.
"Nearly. We will winter there, I am thinking."
'And then I shall truly be alone,’ she mused silently but said, “Weel, take care, Iain."
"Aye and ye.” He found it difficult to turn from her but hurried away from her before he weakened and stayed.
Islaen sighed, waving half-heartedly as Iain and the others rode away. It would be good for them to go to Muircraig but she also knew it could be disastrous. If he found a way to avoid her there, a way to cut her out of his life, she would truly be alone. At least at Caraidland she had friends, people who honestly cared about her. They could never make up for the neglect of the man she loved but they did help to ease the loneliness.
Taking Padruig from Grizel because Liusadh was tormenting him, Islaen started toward the nursery where she knew she would find Storm. She was a little dismayed to find Alexander there too. When she managed to get Storm away from the children, Alexander followed. She finally decided that it did not matter if he heard what she had to say. The man knew what troubles she had so there was little point in being secretive. She often felt that all of Caraidland knew.
"I have given Iain his chance, Storm,” she said as they retreated to a deserted corner of the hall.
"Aye, ye did.” Storm sat down on a chest next to Alexander.
"And ye saw what he did with that chance."
"Aye, I fear I did,” Storm said with a sigh.
"So now I try your plan."
"When?"
"In a week's time. I will give him a week."
"To lessen his guard?"
"Aye, to grow nicely unsuspecting.” She looked at Alexander and was suddenly glad that she had not excluded him for she suddenly had an idea of how he could be very useful indeed. “Alexander,” she purred.
"Uh-oh. I have a feeling I may regret being here."
"Nay, I but need ye to share with me your skill in one particular thing."
"And what is that?” he asked suspiciously.
"I want ye to tell me all about seduction.” She smiled slowly as Alexander began to laugh.