October. Age twenty.

The leaves crunched beneath my feet, the crisp fall air refreshing. I’d had to spend a few days in the hospital—again—so it was good to be outside. Students walked past, hoisting heavy backpacks over their shoulders, making their way to classes, or their dorms, or jobs. I just put one foot in front of the other, keeping my pace measured so I didn’t tire too quickly.

I’d made it through my freshman year at U of I, and my grades had been decent. Considering I’d missed a lot of school due to a hospital stay in the spring, I was proud of how well I’d done. Proud I’d managed to finish the year at all.

Summer had been spent at home, trying not to go crazy with boredom. My dad owned several car dealerships, and I’d always worked summers there. This year, I’d barely been able to handle part-time hours.

I hadn’t seen my friends very often, either. They’d all been busy doing their own thing, and I hadn’t hung out with them in months anyway. Cami had been back in Waverly for the summer too, so we’d spent a lot of weekends together—mostly at my parents’ place because I still didn’t have a lot of energy.

Once again, my parents had tried to talk me out of going back to school in the fall. The doctors had put me on immunosuppressant drugs, hoping that would calm the inflammation in my heart tissue. It made me more susceptible to getting sick, and when I did get sick, it was hard to get better, hence a few hospital stays over the last year. It was a bitch, knowing that if I got a cold, I’d probably wind up with pneumonia.

But I’d been determined to go back to school. Cami would be there, and I’d hated the idea of living two hours away from her. It had been hard enough to keep our relationship going since I’d been sick. I hadn’t wanted to put any more obstacles in our path.

Plus, if I quit school and moved home, my illness would win. That wasn’t going to happen.

Charlie and I lived in a rental house his grandparents owned, not far from campus. I think having Charlie around had helped my parents feel better about me going back to school. My mom thought I didn’t know, but she texted Charlie a few times a week to ask how I was doing. I pretended like I didn’t notice.

The new semester was kicking my ass, though. My classes were tough. I’d missed a test last week when I’d been hospitalized, and I was scrambling to make up all the work. Thankfully today was Friday, so I’d have the weekend to recuperate and hopefully get caught up.

The walk from the bus stop to my place wasn’t long, but I was winded by the time I got there. I was used to it, now. It had been twenty months since my heart had failed. I’d lost more weight and my energy level was still low—partly because of the medications I took, and partly because my heart was weakening.

I knew that was the truth of it. My parents, Charlie, Cami… they all tried to stay optimistic. They blamed my fatigue on the pills I took, not on the heart that didn’t seem to want to heal. But I knew. I wasn’t sure what it was going to mean long term, but it was clear to me that I should have been getting better. And the fact that I wasn’t was a problem.

For now, I’d keep doing what I’d been doing. Go to class. Study. Eat well. Take my pills, and all the vitamins and supplements I took to help keep myself as healthy as possible. Rely on my mental strength to get me through the bad days, and hope my heart held out long enough for us to figure out a long-term solution.

A solution that didn’t involve me dying. I wasn’t ready for that.

I got home and put my bag down, glad that I was feeling pretty decent, even after a full day of classes. I was tired, but that was normal. At least I didn’t feel like I needed to go to bed at four in the afternoon. I was taking Cami to dinner later and I didn’t want to cancel on her. I’d been doing that too much, especially lately. She had her friends, and that was good for her, but I wanted to make sure I could still date her properly. She’d stuck by me through everything. The least I could do was take her out—especially tonight. It was our third anniversary.

“You home, Seb?” Charlie called from his bedroom.

“Yeah.”

“You good?” he asked.

Charlie did keep tabs on me, but for the most part, he kept it simple. You good? I was mostly honest with him. If I’d had a shitty day or thought something was wrong, I’d tell him—at least if it seemed serious, like last week when I’d had pneumonia again. But he didn’t treat me like I was weak or fragile, the way so many other people did. I appreciated it.

“Yep, good day,” I said.

I tossed my coat on a chair and went into the kitchen. I wasn’t very hungry, but I thought I should probably eat. I didn’t have much of an appetite most days, but a lack of food would only make me weaker.

Charlie came out in a Hawkeyes wrestling t-shirt and sweats. He looked me up and down, his brow furrowed. “You look like shit.”

“Thanks, asshole.”

“We should go get pizza or something,” he said. “You need to put some meat back on.”

“I don’t think pizza is going to help.”

“Won’t hurt,” he said.

I rubbed my stomach. My once rock-hard abs were softer now. I exercised a little, but my body couldn’t tolerate much. For a guy who’d been doing sports since he was three, being this out of shape was tremendously shitty. I was already used to following a strict diet for wrestling, and I’d kept up with it so I wouldn’t get both fat and out of shape. But that only went so far.

“You can’t eat that shit, anyway.” I made a show of looking him up and down, as if I’d find a flaw. “You’re looking a little soft around the middle this year, Chuck.”

“Fuck off,” he said. “I have two more weeks before I have to start cutting weight. I want a fucking pizza. With everything on it.”

I laughed. Charlie was a big guy and when he wanted to, he could out-eat anyone. “Can’t tonight. I’m taking Cami out.”

“You sure that’s a good idea?” he asked.

“Yeah, we haven’t done anything in a while,” I said. “Why?”

“Restaurants, people, germs,” he said.

“You just said we should go get pizza,” I said.

“I’d go get it and bring it back,” he said. “Come on, man, you were just in the hospital.”

“I can’t sit around here all the time,” I said. “I feel pretty good today. And it’s our anniversary. I want to take my girl out.”

Charlie scowled at me. “You’re too fucking stubborn sometimes, you know that, right?”

“I’ll be fine,” I said. “I wash my hands so often people think I have OCD. I’ll bring the stupid hand sanitizer.”

“Is Cami healthy?” he asked. “Because you know if she even has a cold, you can’t be swapping body fluids.”

“For fuck’s sake,” I said.

“I’m just making sure you’re not being stupid.”

I rolled my eyes. “Look, she’s fine. I’m fine. I had a good fucking day and I don’t need you playing nurse all of a sudden.”

He put his hands up, palms out. “Okay, okay. I’m just looking out for you, man.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said, but I was still irritated. “I’m gonna go lie down for an hour before I meet Cami.”

“All right.”

I went to my room and shut the door behind me. He had a point about going out in public. It was always a risk. But I went to classes every day, and I wasn’t about to give that up. I stayed home more than any guy I knew. It wouldn’t kill me to take my girlfriend out to dinner.

Okay, technically it could if I was exposed to something my body couldn’t fight off. But quarantining myself was no way to live. I was young. Maybe not as healthy as I could be, but I still wanted to live my life.

I lay down and texted Cami.

Me: Hey babe. I’ll meet you at 7. Does that still work?

Cami: Can we do earlier? 6?

Me: Sure. What sounds good?

Cami: Whatever is fine.

I rolled my eyes. Cami not having an opinion about where we went to dinner was about as likely as me being healthy enough to wrestle this year.

Me: You sure? We can go anywhere.

Cami: You pick.

Me: K, how about that pizza place?

Cami: You know I hate that place.

Me: You said anywhere.

Cami: Fine, whatever.

Me: Don’t get mad. I’m just joking. How about Short’s?

Cami: OK

I wondered what was up with her today. I hadn’t seen her since the hospital last week. She’d come to visit me twice, both times sitting with me for an hour or so. I’d talked to her when I’d been discharged, but she’d had a big bio test this week, so I’d told her to stay home and study.

She was probably just stressed about school. Or maybe one of her sorority sisters was going through a crisis again. That seemed to happen at least once a week.

Although I thought I knew what was really bothering her. Based on things she’d said recently, she was hoping for more certainty about the future. I didn’t think she was worried I was going to die; she never seemed to entertain that as a possibility. But I got the impression she was hoping for more certainty about us.

I didn’t think she was itching to get married right this second. We were still pretty young. But I had a feeling she’d love to come home from dinner one of these nights with a ring on her finger. Even if that meant a long engagement while we finished school. A girl in her sorority had gotten engaged a few weeks ago, and Cami had talked about it for days on end. I knew a hint when I heard one.

I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that. But we’d been together for three years. Survived the transition between high school and college. Stayed together even though my illness had made a lot of things difficult. We loved each other, and that’s what you did when you loved someone. Stuck by them. Stayed loyal.

Cami had been loyal to me. Maybe I owed this to her.

By the time I left to meet her, I’d decided. I’d find her a nice engagement ring and make this official. Show her I appreciated that she’d stayed with me through everything.

We lived on opposite sides of campus, so it was easier to meet her at the restaurant. She was there, waiting for me in the lobby when I arrived. She looked pretty in a light green sweater, her long blond hair down and wavy.

“Hey, babe,” I said. I put a hand on her waist and kissed her forehead. “Have you been here long?”

“No,” she said. “Just a few minutes.”

It was hard not to tell her, but I figured she’d want the whole romantic proposal thing, and I didn’t want to spoil it. But as we took a seat in a booth, I felt better than I had in months. Being engaged to Cami would give us something to look forward to—something to focus on that wasn’t related to my illness. And it would be an outward display that we both believed I was going to get better.

My chest tightened and my breath felt suddenly labored. I tried to keep my face from showing discomfort. It was just a flutter—nothing too bad. Cami’s eyebrows drew together and she watched me while I breathed through it.

“I’m fine,” I said when I was sure I could sound normal.

“You’re not fine,” she said. “You’re pale. And those things are happening more than they used to.”

“They’re not serious,” I said.

She tilted her head. “Yes they are, Sebastian.”

We weren’t starting this date on the right note. I didn’t want to fight with her. “I know, sweetie. I’m doing everything the doctors tell me.”

“And you’re still sick,” she said.

“Are you saying I’m doing something to make myself sick?” I asked. “Because, believe me, at this point I’d do anything if it meant I’d get better.”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying.” She brushed her hair back from her face. “It’s just been a long time.”

“You’re telling me.”

“I keep waiting for the old Sebastian to come back,” she said. “You used to be so… so different.”

I wasn’t sure what to say to her. Of course I was different. I’d been through hell. What did she expect? “I’m not sure what you’re getting at.”

She took a deep breath. “Sebastian, I don’t think this is working.”

“What?”

“I think we need to break up.”

I stared at her, my mouth partially open. “You wanted to have dinner with me on our anniversary so you could break up with me?”

“Oh my god, it’s our anniversary?” she asked.

What the fuck? “Yeah, I kissed you for the first time three years ago today. We didn’t really celebrate it last year because everything was so crazy. But you didn’t know that?”

“How can you expect me to keep track of something like that with everything else I’ve been through?” she asked. “It’s been horrible, Sebastian. I was there, remember? I saw you collapse. And every day since, I’ve been worried that it’s going to happen again.”

“So your solution is to break up?” I asked.

“I can’t handle it anymore.” Tears welled up in her eyes. “It’s too much. I can only see you if I put in all the effort. You barely have enough energy to go to your classes, let alone spend any time with me. I mean, god, when was the last time we had sex? I don’t even know.”

“What?” I asked. “Jesus, Cami, I’m doing my best.”

“I know you are,” she said. “But I fell for the old Sebastian. The guy who was big and strong. Who manhandled his opponents on the mat. He was kind of cocky, and so sure of himself. And we could actually do things. I’ve tried, Sebastian. Ever since state, I’ve tried to hold it together. But it’s too hard. Being with someone who’s sick all the time is too stressful. I’m not cut out for it.”

I blinked at her, trying to process what she was saying. She was breaking up with me. Our relationship, over. She wasn’t going to stick this out with me.

“Are you serious?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said. “I’m sorry. Maybe if things were different…”

“Yeah, if things were different. If I had a heart that fucking worked.”

“Sebastian, it’s not your fault,” she said. “But this is how things turned out.”

“Believe me, I know it’s not my fault.” I stood. My chest felt tight, but not because of a fibrillation. “It’s fine, Cami. Go find yourself a guy who can make you happy. Because I sure as fuck can’t.”

I walked away without waiting to hear her reply. I didn’t want to look at her anymore. How could I have been such an idiot? It was so obvious. She hadn’t been hoping I’d propose. She’d been trying to figure out how to break up with me.

Wishing I had the energy to walk all the way home, I hopped on a bus. My mind was restless. Walking across campus would have done me a lot of good, but I knew I’d only exhaust myself. My heart couldn’t work that hard.

The ache in my chest spread and my gut churned with emotion. Disappointment. Rejection. Sadness. My friends had mostly drifted away, but I’d thought Cami would be the one who’d stick by me. I’d thought she loved me enough. Obviously I’d been wrong.

Or maybe I just wasn’t worth loving through something like this.