I wipe my eyes. Blow my nose. Pull out my MacBook and sit cross-legged on my couch. This doesn’t feel intimate or sexy... not at all like I’d planned.

I’d chilled some white wine–that Bridget cracked right open. I’d bought some lingerie that I wanted to put on first, but I don’t want to be late for the call.

Everything with Bridget may be a total clusterfuck, but I’ve been looking forward to this night with Cooper for weeks.

A FaceTime calls pulls up. I accept it, reaching for Bridget’s half-empty glass as the screen loads.

I didn’t even pause to look in the mirror and make sure I didn’t have raccoon eyes. Which I do. My mascara is running and my nose is red and fuck, why couldn’t she have shown up any another time?

“Gracie?” Cooper asks, his face coming into focus. His hair wavier than I remembered, loose around his face. Freckles I’d never noticed before, highlighting his penny-colored eyes.

“Hey, Coop,” I say, then licking my lips and running my pointer fingers under my eyes for damage control.

“You okay?”

“I’m okay.”

“You are such a terrible liar,” Cooper says, leaning against a pillow. I know he’s leased an apartment with his friend Gabe, and I assume he’s in his room.

Ignoring his comment, I say, “Your apartment nice?”

“You wanted to FaceTime so we could talk about rented furniture?”

“No.” I shake my head, feeling so flustered and out of sorts... so not in the mood to strip to nothing and part my legs for Cooper. “The evening just went to shit and I wasn’t expecting it.”

Cooper frowns. “Sorry Gracie.” He sits up in this bed, pulling his laptop into his lap. “Is it about school, your research paper? Or are your parents still giving you a hard time about your post-grad school plans? Or is it the lady who lives above you and her stupid dog?”

I shake my head. Cooper knows all my things. For some reason that makes me tense up even more.

“You wanna talk about it?” he asks again.

My chest constricts, feeling so torn. If I tell him why I was fighting with Bridget, he’ll say one of two things. Neither of them good.

He’d say:

1) Just tell her the truth–which I don’t want to do because that would mean this secret... this exploration ... would no longer be my own. Inviting Bridget into this would mean having her weigh in on all of it. Judge all of it.

2) He would say we should cancel the list–that it’s causing me too many problems, has become too big a distraction. If he knew I was making a mess of graduate school I know he’d back away, not wanting my failing grades on his shoulder. Not when this was just supposed to be fun.

So, what am I supposed to say?

It’s not like Cooper should need to be my support system anyways. He isn’t my boyfriend and he certainly has never offered to be anything besides a handful of kinky one-night stands. Which is what I wanted, that was the entire point of this list. Him being my guru.

And even if I momentarily thought I read him wrong... that maybe he really wants more with me too; he hasn’t contacted me once since he left for Spring Training. He hasn’t tried to text or chat or give me any indication this means anything more than just a crazy experience.

“Gracie.” Cooper’s eyes narrow. “You there?”

“I’m here. Sorry. Tell me about spring training. Are you training... hard?” Suddenly all I can hear are Bridget’s words in my ear ... Don’t call me unless you want to be an actual friend instead of this self-obsessed-whatever ...

The truth is I haven’t spent any time thinking about what Cooper is doing in Tampa. All I’ve thought about since he left is what I’m getting from him when I see him next.

My stomach flip-flops at this realization. Not only am I self-obsessed when it comes to Bridget, but when it comes to Cooper, too.

No wonder he only sees this as a neighborly hook-up. I’m not a good friend, let alone something more.

I take a deep breath. When you know better, you can do better.

“Cooper,” I say, really looking at him for the first time in this call. His freckles are there, sure, but I also see that his eyes look tired, his face weary. And I thought it was just because he was concerned about me, but maybe it is more than that. “Are you okay?”

He exhales, running his hand over his jaw that I’ve always thought was masculine and sexy but maybe it is also an indication that he is tired, worn out. “I don’t know, Grace. It’s been a long month.”

“Wanna tell me about it?”

He smirks. “You won’t tell me what’s bothering you but you want me to open up?”

I shrug. “Not if you don’t want to.” I take a deep breath, realizing I do want Cooper to open to me. Kind of a lot. Because the truth is, I’ve been reading about all these alpha males in these romance novels all month, and even the ones who are all badass, chasing pussy or the mafia or disregarding the law–deep down they all have a soft side.

And I’m not saying Cooper is some motorcycle gang member in his past life, but I do know he has a reputation for being a manwhore. I mean, I’ve witnessed that with my own two eyes.

But I’d like to see the other side of him too... the part I’ve glimpsed more than once. When he fixed my leaky sink, and wrapped his coat around my bare shoulders and remembered to call tonight.

“Actually,” I tell him. “Tell me even if you don’t want to. I bet you’re pretty stressed out.”

I may be selfish, but I also understand the basics of baseball. Cooper will be a free agent at the end of the season, which means if the next several months go well, it will define his career path. If it is less than stellar, he won’t get the contract offers he’s hoping for.

Cooper shakes his head. “It’s been insane. I know I shouldn’t complain, there are thousands of guys who would die to be in my spot, but damn, the team has got to come together to make this season special. And sometimes it feels like a lot of fucking pressure.”

I’ve never heard Cooper talk so honestly, usually, he’s all innuendos and pick-up lines, smooth and confident. And now he sounds defeated.

“Hey, the season hasn’t even started. I’m sure it’s going to go well.”

“I don’t know. You think I sound bad, Gabe is a fucking pussy––”

I cut him off. “Don’t say it like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like being a pussy is a bad thing. Pussies are great things. As you well know.”

He laughs as though he’s embarrassed. “My bad. Here I am talking to a smart-ass woman who’s getting a degree in women’s studies and I’m degrading them. You must think I’m a fucking idiot.”

“You’re not an idiot. And I bet you spend a lot of time in a locker room saying and hearing things way worse than that.” I smile, my shoulders relaxing, and genuinely not judging him.

“You would hate it in the locker room, Gracie. A girl like you... you’d lose all respect for mankind.” Cooper’s face seems to relax too, and he moves the laptop back on the bed, stretching out his legs. When he moves, I see his arms flex, the cotton tee shirt stretching across his chest.

“I don’t think I’d mind the locker room too much,” I admit, thinking about all the men on the team naked, showering... but quickly passing them over and letting my eyes rest on Cooper. On his firm ass and rock hard chest. On his cock that made my pussy tighten... the cock I’ve been imagining inside of me every night since we had sex in the alley.

“Oh yeah?” Cooper asks. “You wouldn’t be overwhelmed by the sight of twenty bare-assed men?”

I shake my head, laughing, my body warming up as I think about the only man I want to see naked.

“I think I’d like to be there, Cooper. All those guys watching as ....”

Our conversation stops... our screens seem to freeze. But they haven’t, it’s just Cooper and I both seem to have realized where this conversation got us in just ten minutes.

Exactly where we’d planned on going all along

“You wanna do this, Gracie?” Cooper asks his voice raw, his eyes filled with lust.

“I do.”

“You want to watch me get off?” he asks, his jaw clenching as he finishes his words.

I nod, swallowing. “I’ve been practicing all month so I’d be ready.”

“You swear to God?” he asks, laughing softly. “You’ve been practicing for me?”

“I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

“Classic Gracie, not doing anything half-assed.”

I explain how I missed the teenage milestone of perfecting a personal orgasm, and how I’ve been giving myself a crash course for the past four weeks.

“Gracie, that’s so fucking hot.” I watch as Cooper adjusts himself in his sweat pants, and there’s a bulge there that wasn’t before. He’s hard for me.

Feeling more confident, I lift the hem of my tee shirt, wishing I’d had the time to change into the lacy lingerie. Because under my shirt, I’m rocking a gray sports bra. Not exactly take me now.

Still, I pull off the shirt and watch as Cooper does the same.

His chest is even more chiseled than it was a month ago. Spring training is no joke.

“Show me your tits,” Cooper tells me, his eyes hooded, his words smoky and deep and for me. He wants to see me. “Let me see your nipples, let me see how hard they are.”

I do as he says, he’s my teacher after all. And I may be flaking out with school, but I am not cutting corners with Cooper. With this list.

The sports bra off, my breasts fill up the screen, and I adjust my seat on the couch, realizing this is going to be awkward. Standing, I carry my laptop to my bedroom. “Sorry,” I tell him. “I wanted to be in my bed.”

“Is this the bed where you touched yourself all month?”

I nod, biting my lower lip. “Well, I also used the bathtub.” I smile, unable to believe how comfortable I am , to be honest about this. “And the kitchen. I... I even used a cucumber. I always heard jokes about that and I wanted to know if it was really like... really like a cock. I wanted to be full again like I was with you.”

Cooper is pulling down his sweats, his boxers, and then his cock is in his hand. Hard. Huge.

My panties are soaked and I just want them off. I want to touch myself while looking at Cooper’s dick, thinking about it pressed between my thighs, filling me up.

“And was the cucumber the same as me?” he asks, stroking himself.

I set down my laptop on a few pillows on my bed, and stand before it, my fingers on the waistband on my Capri leggings. “It was a waste of a vegetable, let’s just say that.”

“Show me where you put the cucumber, Gracie,” Cooper asks, his hard cock in his hand, watching me as I step from my pants, my panties. Watching as I lift a leg to the foot of the bed, standing before him completely naked, my nipples hard, my heart pounding.

“I put it right here, Cooper,” I tell him, pressing a finger to my clit, then running my fingers down my length, feeling how wet I am for Coop. “Do you see where I put it?”

I know the camera on my computer is capturing everything. I’m standing far enough away so that the lens fills with my entire body, and I press my hand against me, inside me, wanting Cooper to see me as I get off, just like the list stated.

“I told you what I’ve been doing all month, Cooper,” I say, my breath quickening as I rub my fingers in tight little circles over my clit. “But what have you been doing to keep your cock happy?” I run one hand over my breasts, thumbing my nipples, imagining Cooper licking them, sucking them, pressing his cock between them. Imagining Cooper coming all over me, his salty come on my breasts, in my mouth.

I want to suck Cooper off so badly.

My fingers move so fast, and I keep my eyes open, watching Cooper jerk himself off, up and down, as he keeps his eyes glued to the screen. His eyes glued to me.

“I’ve been thinking of your tight pussy, Gracie. How you felt when I fucked you in the alley.” Cooper’s grunting as he moves up and down his shaft, harder and harder, and I know he’s close because I’m close too.

“Fuck, Coop, oh fuck me.” The words fly from my mouth, fierce and hot and true. I want Cooper right here, right now. Fucking me. “Yes, oh, fuck.” My pussy explodes, an orgasm rushing over me as my release covers my hand, drips down my thighs. My core is on fire and my eyes are on Cooper.

“Oh, Gracie,” he growls, ribbons of his come shooting from his hard cock. I wish I could crawl through the screen, into his lap, and lick that come from his tip. “Oh, girl,” he groans, his eyes closed.

I smile, my eyes fluttering. I press my hand to my chest and lower my leg from the bed. Grabbing a tissue to wipe myself, moving away from the screen so I can be more discreet.

I pull my silk robe on, then sit on my bed, sighing as I position my laptop so I can see Cooper again.

“Damn,” he says, his sweats pulled back up, but his chest still bare. “That was fucking insane, girl.”

I smile softly, biting my knuckles because my body is still trembling from the thrill of that orgasm, of not just thinking about Cooper as I came, but watching him come too.

“Is that how it usually is?” I ask. “When you get off like that with another person?”

Cooper frowns, runs his hands over his jaw in that telltale way of his. “Nothing about this is usual, Gracie.”

My brows furrow. “What do you mean?”

“You aren’t like other girls. Other women,” he clarifies.

I pull my hair from the messy bun and run my fingers through the tangles. “Um. Okay?”

“It’s a good thing, Gracie. That you aren’t like anyone else.”

Anyone else. The words send a shock through me, wondering how many other women Cooper has been with since we started this list. How many women he may have done this exact same thing with while in Tampa.

I try and push those thoughts away, knowing they have no right to take up residence in my mind.

“You aren’t like anyone else, either, Cooper.”

He grins. “You’re gonna love the next item that we’re checking off the list.”

“Wow,” I say. “Already moving on?”

“Did you want to try this one again, because I’m always game for a woman wanting to show me her tits.” He laughs, but I don’t. Suddenly all I can think about is Cooper with other women, Cooper enjoying other women’s breasts.

This is stupid and unfair, but it’s the truth.

“I hope spring training ends on a good note, Cooper,” I tell him, cinching the belt on my robe.

“Me too.” His phone buzzes and he picks it up from his side table.

“You need to go?” I ask, watching him read a text.

“No, I’m cool. I mean, I’m meeting some people later, but I can keep talking. If you want.”

“That’s okay,” I tell him, suddenly remembering my fight with Bridget and how I fucked things up so badly with her.

“You should go, have fun with whoever you’re meeting up with.”

He shrugs noncommittally. “It’s just the guys.”

I can’t help it. “And some girls, too, right?”

He looks back at his phone, not meeting my eyes. “You sure you don’t want to tell me why you were upset when we started this call?”

“No,” I tell him. “It’s going to be all good. Actually, I think I know how to fix my problem.”

“That’s good, Gracie,” he says, setting his phone down and looking at me before signing off. “Then I’ll see you in a few weeks, okay?”

“Yep. Sounds good,” I smile tightly, then say goodbye.

I close my computer and burst into tears.