Everything hurts. My neck. My feet. My eyeballs.

I may not have become a promiscuous woman, but I sure as hell went all in with being a party girl.

Bridget had been so pissed at me for flaking out on her, for not being there for her, that after the FaceTime with Cooper; I knew what I needed to do.

It was all his doing, too. He’d said he was getting off the video call to head to the bar with his friends and all I could think was I am such a fucking idiot.

I’d spent the better half of a month banging myself to the idea of the sex-god next-door, pining after a man who offered me nothing but his cock; granted, it was a mighty fine cock – but still, he certainly wasn’t jerking off all alone dreaming of me.

I mean, he’s Cooper-fucking-Bentley. He was in US Weekly last week with a close-up of his ass in his baseball uniform. He is the guy who is put in memes all over Facebook. I saw one that said, I’d let him catch my mound.

What does that even mean??!!

So yeah. It was a wake-up call. I was messing things up with my BFF for a man who was giving me the glorious gift of his body and sexual expertise – but that was all Cooper was giving me.

After I hung up that call where I’d spread my legs and gotten off–in real time, mind you–to the “hunkiest man behind home plate”, I texted Bridget to find out what “house bar” her and the Pseudo-Spanish-Speaking-Horn-Dog were at.

In all fairness, the house bar was a lot more fun than the orgy.

Fewer naked strangers and more cheap booze. And I met Drake that night, so it ended up being fantastic.

I may have started the year as a virgin, but I’d already gotten naked in a restaurant, been handcuffed to a bed, and told Cooper Bentley about the fucking cucumber.

Did I seriously tell him that?

The more I think about that poor veggie, the more mortified I become at the thought of seeing Cooper again.

He probably thinks I’m a freak. And in my effort to combat that insecurity, I went all in when it came to the party scene.

Which led to two things:

1) Falling back into Bridget’s good graces and binge drinking our way through April.

2) Cooper giving me the COMPLETE cold shoulder once he returned from spring training. Confirming he was grossed out by the cucumber and was over the kinky list.

When I saw him in April, I tried to be all cool. And I thought it worked. I had Drake and Stephen with me – the cutest gay couple I’d literally ever met. (side note: I’ve already decided I want to be their future surrogate and give them all their babies) ... and spending time with them meant I wasn’t alone.

I wasn’t eating Ben & Jerry’s, watching Bravo! on my couch like I usually am when Cooper gets home from a trip. That alone made me feel like a badass.

So, I was feeling pretty and popular when Cooper walked off the elevator. He smelled hot. He looked hot. Later, Stephen told Drake, “If we were gonna do a threesome, it would be with him.”

In the hallway, I had literally winked at Cooper. Winked. And told him I was excited about the next item on the list.

If I was ever going to be caught exuding confidence – this was it. I was on my A-game.

And what did that do?

Nothing.

The next day I saw Coop and he wouldn’t even look in my eyes, he just shrugged and waved, saying he needed to go to the stadium for practice.

Which. Okay. I understand. I know there is a lot riding on this season for him.

But it didn’t get better.

And now it’s May. And instead of sexing it up with Coop, I have been working on my research paper. Attempting to make it everything Professor MacKernly wants it to be.

When it comes to Cooper, I assume he’s dating someone and doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Maybe his Milan model is back in town and he doesn’t want to rub it in my face.

My head is spinning with scenarios.

But then my phone buzzes with a text from Cooper.

A text with instructions.