Chapter 34
Avidya
I wasn’t overwhelmed, but I was certainly close to being so. Going over the agreement with Zachariah helped me more than I would have thought. In the end, most of it was simple and easy to follow. It was simple and to the point. I understood where he was coming from, and everything would still give me the freedom to do what I wanted.
The trust thing was out of my comfort zone, but who wouldn’t feel the same way? Trust was the hardest to give and receive in anything. Who I thought were my parents broke my trust. Jonas broke my trust, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to trust him after that stunt. Even Travis broke that trust he had, which wasn’t all that much, to begin with.
Growing up, I knew I could never trust anyone; Cody had made sure of that. Trust was not something I was used to giving or receiving. I’d try. For Zachariah, I’d try. The communication stuff, now that I could handle as long as it was the two of us. I wasn’t a huge fan of talking in front of people I didn’t know, which was going to make our wedding fun. Not.
Later yesterday afternoon, Zachariah had explained that there were many different forms of relationships within the BDSM lifestyle. There was the master/slave twenty-four-seven, where they were in rule constantly and the slave would cater to the needs and wants of the master. The dominant/submissive style. It is usually a negotiated lifestyle, with people discussing their wishes, limits, and needs in order to find commonality. The subs got to set her or his own limits on everything, while the dom would also have recommendations, but not always rules.
Dom/Subs often refer to their activity as "play", with an individual play session being called a "scene", where the sub and dom would have an agreement that consent is given in advance, if sex was part of the scene or sometimes without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned, though within defined limits subject to a safeword, reasonable care, common sense, or other restrictions. Some people also played around with fetishes, which was not for either of us thankfully.
Zachariah and I agreed that the submissive and dominant relationship style was the best for us both. It gave us the set rules that we could both go by day to day, along with gaining trust and communication to one another. It gave us the freedom to explore with each other inside and outside of the bedroom.
“That’s how I do things,” he said with a shrug. “I don’t want to control every little thing, and I shouldn’t need to. Having rules and guidelines will work for the both us, and so far, nothing for you really has changed. You crave the structure of knowing what to do, what to expect, and this will give you plenty of room to explore your own needs and wants in life.”
Of course, before he left me free to think things over, Zachariah would make sure that I was comfortable with giving over my free will while I submitted to him when the time came. It would take a lot of trust, which we’d work on.
The list of limits was a bit more frightening, but I also understood the need to look them over. There were so many to figure out if I was really willing to try most of them. I probably should have waited till later to look through them, but I wanted to get it done and over with.
Freshly showered after a good workout, I sat in by the window in my room with a couple of books that Zachariah had laid out and the agreement.
Most of the limits that were lined out were hard limits for me, even without having to think about them in depth. Who in the world would be comfortable with wax play, flogging, whipping, fisting? Just the thought of them makes me shiver in disgust.
A few of the other limits I knew of, though would have never thought about trying. Why would I have needed to even try when I was never allowed alone with boys before now? I left those blank, figuring that Zachariah would be more than happy to help me learn about them, and then decide if I liked them or not. Such ones as blowjobs, handcuffing, blindfolding, hair pulling, and a few others that sounded like it would be at least fun to try.
I knew that the limits were not set in stone. They could change, and most likely would, after I grew more comfortable with everything.
Wow. That thought of being comfortable, feeling like I belonged, made me grow warm. I never thought I’d feel such an emotion anywhere in life. Not even at the thought of having my own children. But here with Zachariah, I felt like I could have that chance to feel like I belonged. Not just to him, as he slowly was gaining my heart ever before he had my entire trust, but here as a person. As a family member.
Finishing looking over the list, I set it aside atop the book. I was a bit nervous to find out what Zachariah liked, and at the idea of what I could learn from everything.
Having a set of guidelines helped me more than it should. Nothing would change from what I was already doing, really. The working out and then the meditation seemed like good ideas. Although Zachariah had hinted that he wanted to see a couple of poses that I’d try out while meditating, he wouldn’t interfere with the time he had given me. I had no idea what poses to start out with, and that was one of the questions I had written down.
I gathered there were other family members that also had the same lifestyle, but I wasn’t sure who. Was it even appropriate to ask?
“Did you finish?” Zachariah asked after a small knock on my partially opened door.
“Yeah,” I answered, turning my head so I could see him. He was also freshly showered, hair still wet. Once again, he forewent shaving. It suited him, and I couldn’t deny how attractive he was. Somehow, his facial hair wasn’t overlong, as though he trimmed it often enough to keep the length it was.
“Good,” he said, shooting me a smile that instantly went to my gut. Every time I saw him, I was more attracted each time. “Shall we go over them after lunch?”
“Sure,” I answered in a blushing daze.
I was rewarded with a blinding smile, encouraging me to follow along with him. After grabbing the papers, I did just that. Lunch was already sat out on top of the table and I took the seat that I normally did with him following.
“Did you find everything you needed, information wise?” he asked between bites of the salad he had laid out.
“I think so,” I answered after I swallowed the mouthful of food. “A few things that I wasn’t sure I can ever do.” I paused a moment before continuing on. “Most of the limits I wasn’t sure how to choose, but I’m willing to try them.”
“I know you haven’t done any of them,” Zachariah stated. “And I will gladly help you figure out what you like and don’t like. I just need to know a base of where to begin as to not put too much pressure on you. Even though you listed a limit to try doesn’t mean you will like it, which is perfectly fine. That is why we will play and see what we both like. I’m not picky, least of all on what you are willing to do. In time, maybe some of them will become softer limits that you feel more comfortable with.”
I gave him a small nervous smile.
“Now, the poses, have you looked them over much?” he asked.
“Some,” I answered. “I think they will be easier to figure out than the limits,” I admitted.
“They usually are,” he agreed. “After we go over the limits together, you can pick a few poses to try and I’ll help you get your posture correct.”
“Can you just tell me what poses instead?” I asked shyly. It soothed my nerves for him to tell me what to do, at least for this.
“I’d love to,” he said, shooting me a pleased smile. I wanted to think that he enjoyed telling me what to do, at least to some extent.
It didn’t take long for both of us to finish our lunch with the plates in the dishwasher. Zachariah didn’t beat around the bush to get to work on going over my limits.
I was thrilled to see that most of his own personal limits didn’t differ from mine all that much. We had the same hard limits, luckily. Only one that was different was anal play, and right now, that was to stay as a hard limit for me. I wasn’t sure why someone would want that.
Zachariah said we’d work on some of the soft limits, and the things I wasn’t sure about, with a few of his learning exercises that he had lined out. Blindfold, handcuffed, and bound were just a few that took a lot of trust, which would take time for me to ever be completely comfortable with. All of the limits would be tested in time, and he promised, once more, to take it slow with me.
I couldn’t wait as a nervously excited energy began to grow within my blood. His eyes promised that the I would enjoy anything he did with my consent, even pushing my own limits.