Chapter Ten
Erin woke up to the sight of snow falling. She sat up and looked around Warren’s room, curious since she’d been occupied last night and hadn’t paid much attention. She’d expected it to be like a normal guest room since he spent about as much time in Wellingford as she did, but that wasn’t the case at all. She glanced at him, but his chest rose and fell at a steady pace and he didn’t seem to be waking up anytime soon.
So she grabbed the throw blanket off the floor where it’d fallen while they were having wild monkey sex and wrapped it around herself while she got up to explore. The desk directly across from the bed was covered with a variety of books that made her smile—everything from the most recent best-selling thriller to a nonfiction biography on the last Nobel Prize winner. It made sense in a way—Warren was nothing if not multilayered. It was something she’d gone out of her way to ignore since she met him, because it was just another tempting trait that made walking away more difficult.
Which meant it was probably a bad idea to snoop further, but she couldn’t help herself. She moved to the corkboard on the wall next to the desk, finding it peppered with pictures. Most of them were of a middle-aged couple that must be Warren’s parents in a variety of exotic locations across the world. He was with them in some pictures—a younger, wilder version of himself. He’s seen so much. All I ever wanted was New York, and I never bothered to look further.
Her dreams had never felt stunted before, but faced with evidence of the sheer amount of traveling he’d done, she couldn’t help a small sliver of dissatisfaction. Annoyed with herself, she focused on the pictures that weren’t of his parents. There were a scattering of other people who must be his friends, and a few of him and another man in uniform with a desert in the background. He’s seen combat. He was shot. How could I have forgotten that? God, I’m starting to feel seriously immature right now. He was never going to give this up, and she’d be a monster to ask that of him.
And she’d never be happy playing the role of little wife while he went off and had adventures.
“I can’t do this.”
“You’re up early.” Warm arms slipped around her waist, and she jumped, feeling guilty and then annoyed for feeling guilty. Warren’s breath tickled her ear. “Come back to bed. I’m not done with you yet.”
“But you will be.” She tried to stop the words from coming, but they were like a force of nature beyond her control. Erin stepped away from him, turning as she did. He looked…God, he looked good enough to eat. His dark eyes were still hooded with sleep, and his body was even better in the light of day. It wasn’t fair. She’d never held to the belief that anything could be damn near perfect, but Warren fit the bill. Last night had only cemented that truth.
But if something seemed too good to be true, it probably was—and that was certainly the case this time. Yes, last night had been amazing, and yes, she wanted a whole life of nights like that with this man. She wanted it so desperately it made her shake.
It wasn’t in the cards, though.
He was shot. He might want to be with me more than anything else in the world, but it won’t make a damn bit of difference to the next bullet headed in his direction. He could die the next time they send him over there. And they will. It’s only a matter of time.
Warren frowned, zeroing in on her as the last of the relaxation leached out of him. “Whatever you’re thinking, stop it.”
“It’s not that simple. You can’t just wave a magic wand at a situation and make it all perfect.”
“Erin—” He stopped and seemed to make an effort to control his tone. “Talk to me. We’ll figure it out.”
“There’s no figuring this out. I know I’d said I’d be your girlfriend, but…” They were on two different paths. They always had been. Last night might have tricked her into believing that they could have some sort of future together, but the only way that was possible was to sacrifice everything she cared about on the altar of love. I can barely stand the thought of the world without him, and he’s only been on the periphery of my life. Having him—really having him—with me and then losing him would destroy me. “I have to go.”
“No, you don’t.” He moved between her and the door. “You’re not going to walk out of here before you talk to me and tell me what the hell is going through that crazy brain of yours. Last night you were all about finding a way to make this work. Tell me what changed.”
“If a guy can’t be held accountable for saying the L-word while he’s inside a woman, then I don’t have to be accountable for what I said right after you were inside me.” She shoved her free hand through her hair. “I need my clothes.”
“Erin.”
He wasn’t going to sit back and let her walk away this time. That much was crystal clear. She dropped the sheet and went for her pants. Say something. Say whatever it takes to get him to let you walk out of here. She grabbed at the first thing she could think of. “What would our future even look like?”
“I don’t know. We’ll figure it out.”
It was tempting to just let him comfort her, but that was giving in to the lie. “I’ll tell you what it’ll look like. You’re going back to…where are you even stationed right now?”
“Virginia.” He sounded like he was speaking through a clenched jaw, but she didn’t risk so much as a glance.
“Right. Virginia. You’re going back there at the end of your leave, and I’m staying here until I figure out what my next step is. But let’s say it’s a best-case scenario and we try to do this long distance. How the hell is that going to work? I don’t have money. I don’t have a job. God, I don’t even have my own place right now. So you’re going to, what, pay for me to come out and bang your brains out every once in a while to keep the itch at bay? Or maybe you’ll try to come back into town once every few months and we’ll shack up here, in your room that your grandpa keeps for you.” She motioned to encompass the place. “No, Warren. It won’t work.”
“Well, hell, Freckles—it’s not going to work with you shooting it in the foot before we’re even out of the gate.” He ran a hand over his face. “We’ll figure it out.”
We’ll figure it out. The death knell of any long-distance relationship. Because there would be no figuring it out. They’d start off strong, and things wouldn’t be too bad. But so slowly that neither one of them noticed it, the little stuff would start to slide. They wouldn’t text or call as much. Life would get in the way. And, before either of them knew it, the whole thing would be over. She tried to swallow past her painfully dry throat. “I’m sorry.” If I don’t have you, I can’t lose you.
“Not that sorry if you’re pulling this shit.” He paced from one side of the room to the other. “Last night was fun.”
Where’s he going with this? “Fun isn’t enough.”
He spun to face her. “And what would be enough? For me to get out of the Marines and move to New York so you can continue to be a failed actress?”
“What?” She could barely wrap her mind around the fact that he’d gone there. “We had one night, Warren. Yeah, it was a great night, but it’s not like we’ve had this long relationship and I’m ditching out.” She shoved her hair back. “And seriously, if you’re trying to convince a woman to give you a shot, maybe don’t lump yourself in with everyone else in her life who thinks she’s a failure.” Maybe it wasn’t fair, but last night he’d told her that he had every bit of faith that she’d figure things out and land on her feet. She hadn’t realized just how much his opinion meant to her until he yanked it out from under her like a rug. He didn’t mean any of it. He was just saying whatever it took to get back into my pants. And I ate it up like a sex-starved idiot. “I have to go.”
“Erin—”
“I’d say it was nice seeing you again, but this morning would make a liar out of me.” She grabbed her coat and stepped around him. This time he let her go. Erin stopped in the doorway. “Have a nice life, Warren. I really do wish you the best, even if you can’t do that for me.” Then she shut the door and hurried down the stairs. It was still early enough that no one was out and about as she sneaked out of Old Joe’s house and speed-walked back to her parents.
Or so she thought until she closed the front door softly behind her and turned around to find her mom standing at the bottom of the stairs.