The remainder of the day passed in a strange, almost dream-like blur.
Even if someone held a gun to my head, I don't think I could have explained what happened after Nobuki made love to me on his office desk.
We made love.
That's what it was.
It wasn't sex anymore, not for me.
And if there was something in the look in his eyes…
Nobuki had to leave at noon to meet with one of our more famous authors, renowned for his reclusive nature, and with a quick, almost apologetic glance, told me that he wouldn't be coming back that day.
I'm not sure what I said, but the next thing I knew, the clock read four thirty and I had done nothing productive since he'd left. Only thirty more minutes…but I decided enough was enough. Switching on the voice mail, I grabbed my bag and got the hell out of there.
Somehow, I got home without getting hit by a car or a runaway bicycle and took a long, hot bath. Reality slowly came back to me as I sprawled in the tub, the water all the way up to my nose.
I sent a text to Ayaka, and she replied a few minutes later, agreeing to meet me at one of our old haunts, a fairly well-known outdoor pub near the station with ice-cold beer and the best grilled chicken sticks in town.
There by six, I ordered in advance and Ayaka showed up ten minutes later, still in her work clothes, a heavy messenger bag over one slim shoulder.
"Hi, you." She slid onto the stool next to mine and nodded thanks to the old man manning the counter when he placed a glass of beer in front of her. "What's up? You usually never go out for dinner. Don't your parents expect you to eat at home with them?"
Crap. I had forgotten all about that. "Give me a second."
This time, I texted my mother, apologizing for the late notice and that I was going to have dinner with a friend of mine.
Ayaka looked at me over the top of her frosty glass, thoughtful. "Seriously, though. Your message was super weird. Usually, I'm the one who needs advice."
I concentrated on separating my chopsticks. If I looked at Ayaka, she'd be able to read the entire scenario on my face.
"It's about this guy," I started cautiously.
Her eyes widened and she set down her glass hurriedly. "You're dating someone?"
I grimaced. "Not…exactly."
My face was as red as a tomato, and I took a quick swig of beer, hoping she'd chalk up my hot face to the alcohol.
"I see." She accepted a plate of yakitori from the proprietor who looked at least a hundred years old. "So, you're kind of seeing someone, but not. It's just sex, then. I've been in those kinds of relationships before. After a while, it gets weird. Someone always lets emotions get involved. Let me warn you, it never ends well. Get out before things get too complicated."
I eyed the steaming skewers of grilled chicken, but I wasn't hungry. "Too late."
She sighed, shaking her head. "Should've figured. You're not the kind of girl who'd get into a relationship like that anyways." She took a bite of the teriyaki-basted skewer. "So? Who is this bastard?"
Like hell I was going to tell her. "Can't say."
"Is that so?" she mused and topped off both our glasses with one of those giant Asahi bottles that could've been used as a club. "Do I know the guy?"
I let out a shrill, nervous sounding laugh. "No way."
She went still for a moment, giving me the hairy eyeball. "It's your boss."
I choked on a mouthful of beer. "What? What are you talking about?"
She handed me some tissues, giving me a pitying look. "You can't lie to save your life, Rika. It's written all over your face."
Was she fishing for information? Was it possible she suspected but didn't know for sure? "As if he would have me," I mumbled. "I'm too ugly for him."
She snorted and tossed her hair over one shoulder. "Oh, please. Don't even try that with me. I'm right, aren't you? You are sleeping with Nobuki Miyano, aren't you?"
I flicked a glance at the proprietor humming under his breath while preparing something, but I had the sneaking suspicion he was enjoying the conversation unfolding before him. "Why don't you just yell that out loud for everyone to hear?"
"Wow, I was right," she whispered, staring at me with growing horror in her eyes. "Jeez, Haru is going to murder you, if she ever finds out. She's pissed she still hasn't gotten her claws in him."
"Don't remind me," I replied glumly.
She let out a heavy breath, puffing her cheeks out. "I'd laugh about this, but I can't even do that. When did this happen?" she asked and then shook her head. "Wait, no, let me guess. LA, right?"
My stomach clenched. "How'd you know?"
Her brow quirked. "I'm not stupid. I've been in love before. You've looked different since you came back. You're changing your appearance, and you hold yourself differently now. You don't skulk around as much and you don't press your back into the wall like you want to disappear through it. Also, sometimes you smile like you've got this secret. Trust me, I know that look. God knows I've had it on my own face enough."
I ran a hand down my cheek just in case I had that look she was referring to. "You can't tell anyone. Swear it."
She gave me a hurt look. "Who do you think I am? Do you know how many people tell me their secrets? I'm like a bank vault. Trust me, this isn't going any further than this izakaya." She looked over the proprietor and then grinned. "Although, I can't say the same about Mr. Takahashi over there, right, Mr. Takahashi?"
He laughed. "Girls, I'm half deaf. I didn't hear anything about women having fun. Although, I can't pretend I don't wish I was twenty years younger."
She dug her elbow in my gut slyly. "Apparently, Mister Takahashi was super popular with the ladies in his younger years. Bet he's still a hit with ladies his age."
He let out a laugh. "Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies."
Then, someone caught his attention and he turned away with a cheerful cry.
Ayaka sighed, the smile slipping off her face like it had never been there in the first place. "Seriously, though. So, you're sleeping with Nobuki. He's hot as hell but someone who projects such a cold atmosphere at work…" She looked dreamy. "I've got to know. What's he like in bed?"
My face felt like it had gone up in flames, and I hid my face behind a napkin. "Um. Good."
She crowed with laughter. "Good? Just good? Oh my God, Rika, you can't be serious. Just good?"
I felt a stupid smile tug at my lips, despite the gravity of the situation. "Okay, really good. Like…oh-my-God good."
She cackled and clinked her glass against mine. "I'll drink to that!"
We both drained our beer, and Ayaka let out an explosive breath. "What's the problem then? You're falling for him, and he says that's a no-no?"
I bit my lip and looked away. "Yeah. I'm so confused. Sometimes he's incredibly kind and other times he can be such an ass. And now with this…" I hesitated. "When we started our relationship, I swore I wasn't going to have sex in the office."
She gasped, her eyes dramatically wide. "Shut. Up."
"Er…"
She leaned in close, close enough for me to smell the beer on her breath. "You guys had sex in the office? His office? My God, what would you have done if you got caught?"
I rubbed the deepening furrow between my eyes. "Honestly, that wasn't really on my mind."
"Yeah, I get that," she said, drawing back, a frown on her red lips. "Jesus, Rika. Sex in the office? That's totally risky and completely unlike you."
I groaned and put my head on the scarred, sticky table. "I know. You don't have to tell me twice."
She was quiet, clearly thinking about something. "What are you going to do? What were the stipulations of this so-called deal anyways?"
"I'm not sure if I should—"
She huffed in exaggeration. "Oh, give me a break. I already know everything. It's better to just tell me everything rather than let me imagine what the stipulations could be. Trust me, I have a very vivid imagination, and what I think up will probably be worse than the truth."
I counted the rules off my fingers. "We can't talk about it. It's just sex. We're free to see other people. We can't fall in love."
She laughed. "Wow, you blew all the rules out of the water, didn't you?"
Now, it was her turn to count off her fingers. "You just talked about it. Clearly, it's not just sex anymore. You don't want to see other people and lastly, it sounds like you're letting this guy into your heart."
Said like that, the situation sounded even more dire. I dropped my face into my hands, feeling and looking like an emotional wreck. "What am I going to do, Ayaka?"
I heard a clunk as she set down her beer glass. "Do you think you have a chance at a future with him?"
There was something about her words, her tone that set my teeth on edge. I raised my head to find her looking at me with something very close to pity in her eyes.
"What do you mean?"
She sighed, winding a lock of wavy hair around one French-manicured finger. "I thought I made myself pretty clear? Do you really think Nobuki wants you in any serious way?"
"You don't make me sound very appealing," I grumbled, taking a vicious bite out of my chicken stick.
It was hard to admit, but her words hurt. Yes, she was being practical and she was right on all accounts, but that didn't mean I couldn't feel offended.
She put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed. "Okay, let me put it this way. And keep in mind I'm saying this as your best friend, Rika. I know you, but I also know Nobuki." She paused. "Although, apparently not as well as you do…"
I waited for her to continue, still chewing.
"Anyways," she said with a small cough. "Nobuki is a ten. He's kind of an arrogant dick, but let's face it, a lot of women are idiots and they love jerks like him. Something about the weird "Only I can save him!" syndrome. They don't get that it'll never work and most of the time, jerks will stay jerks until their dying day, but it certainly doesn't stop women from trying to change that."
"Are you implying I'm one of them?"
"Don't be ridiculous," she said with an impatient jerk of her head. "You didn't enter into the relationship to save him, did you? You just wanted to have sex with him. And, for some reason, he wanted you as well."
"You could leave off the for some reason," I mumbled, but she blazed on as though she didn't hear me.
"We've established he's an ass," she said and then paused meaningfully. "But he's a damn good-looking asshole, and remember what I said about the women who want jerks? Well, you throw a handsome jerk in the middle of these women and they'll fall on him like a deer in the middle of an alligator-infested swamp."
I flinched, the contents of my stomach roiling. "You can't already be drunk."
She snorted. "I wish. The thing I'm trying to get at is…you guys…well…" And then she paused, a pained expression on her face. "Keep in mind, I'm saying this because you're my best friend and I don't want you to get hurt."
"Okay," I said carefully, waiting for her to get to the point instead of coming to it in some strange, circuitous way. "And the thing you want to say is…?"
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly before answering. "You're just not in the same league as him, Rika. I love you, I swear to God I do, but guys like Nobuki, they're not meant to be with women like us."
Her words felt like a slap in the face, and I felt my left cheek start to pulse in sympathy even though the redness and swelling had long since gone down.
Two blows to my pride in one day…what a shitty day. "You mean, women like me. Because you're gorgeous. You're in the same league as him."
She rolled her eyes. "You're just buttering me up, but no. I'm pretty, but I'm not a knockout. You know how much time and effort I have to put into this?" She ran a hand down her front, looking disgruntled. "No, he's in a whole 'nother league, and it's best you break things off now. Or use him until you get sick of him. But give up on him, don't let him get deeper under your skin. You're going to get hurt, and it'll kill me to watch you cry over him. Hell, maybe I'll get arrested for attempted murder on his ass."
Every word she spoke was true. It rang with sincerity in my ears. And yet…
"There's no such thing as Cinderella finding her Prince, is there?"
She patted me gently on the shoulder. "Maybe there is, but we're not Cinderella. We're Townspeople A and B. Nah, more like C and D."
There was a hollowness in my chest. "Thanks a lot. That makes me feel a lot better."
Her head tilted to one side. "Would you rather I lied? Do you want me to tell you that Nobuki is going to fall in love with you? That you two are meant to be?"
"Well, no, but—"
"I owe you better than that," she interrupted. "I want you to have a good life, and I don't want a bastard like Nobuki to break your heart. Use him like he's using you, but don't let him in."
I was starting to think that it was way too late for her advice. "Okay, so he's just using me. Let's go with that premise."
"Okay," she said cautiously. There was the faintest note of impatience in her voice as though she was getting sick of the conversation.
I twirled one of my chopsticks on the empty yakitori plate, attempting an air of nonchalance. "If he's just in this for the sex, then why is he doing nice things for me?"
She shrugged. "He's still an arrogant jackass, and don't you dare say otherwise."
"Trust me, I would be the last person to disagree with you."
She took a big gulp of her beer. "Look, I'm just telling you what I think. Maybe I'd change my mind if I saw him around you. But for now, I bet he just sees this as some convenient sexual release, and you might be seeing too much into this."
"Yeah." I winced. "I'm afraid of that too. I'm terrified this is all in my head."
"You want another bit of advice?"
"I bow to your expertise, oh beautiful, talented friend of mine."
She shot me a wry look. "Smart ass. I'm serious."
I nodded and tried to look dutifully attentive. "And I'm all ears."
"You know what you do in situations like this?" she asked and took an almost savage rip out of her grilled chicken and green onion stick. She grinned. "Just fuck him and dump him."
"You are not the only person to say that," I groaned and put my forehead on the counter.
That night, I staggered home, head heavy from too much beer and fried food, and I woke up the next morning to the sound of my mom letting herself in with the master key. She placed my lunch in the fridge, telling me it was supposed to be my dinner. There was the faintest note of reproof in her voice, something I couldn't fault her for, since I didn't tell her soon enough that I wouldn't be home.
I just moaned and buried my head under the covers, as a wicked hangover ripped through my head, making me wish I was dead.
Thankfully, two pills and fifteen minutes under the hot shower spray worked miracles, and when I slipped into my desk at work, I almost felt normal.
There was nothing different about the way Nobuki and I interacted. He didn't receive any calls from Yue, at least not through our office line, and when it was five in the afternoon, he was still at his desk on a phone call with one of the execs that had been going on for forty-five minutes.
I slipped him two pills that worked miracles for me, and he gave me a nod.
And even that small acknowledgment was enough to bring a smile to my lips. I turned back to my desk, stifling the urge to whistle under my breath.
I went home and ate dinner with my parents, my mother making a point of setting my dinner in front of me, almost as if to send the message, See? Isn't it nice to eat dinner with your family? Everything seemed extra delicious, and I devoured everything within reach, not caring about the glances my parents passed between each other.
"Thanks for dinner, Mom," I said with a quick squeeze to her midsection and kissed my father goodnight on his balding head.
She slipped the usual Tupperware into my hands and hugged me back.
Everything seemed all right with the world.
Except for the fact I had fallen for my boss, and there was nothing I could do to pull myself free from the trap.
It was a few minutes past nine when my phone vibrated on the nightstand. I was deep in the midst of a riveting thriller about a Russian sleeper agent who turned his back on a lifetime of training in order to save the woman he loved.
I looked outside, at the large moon hanging low in the starry sky, and then at the chicken clock.
It was late enough that I could fake sleep so I didn't have to reply to the message. On the other hand…a tingle ran through my body, and I set the book under my pillow and flicked open my phone.
Come over now.
I sucked in a breath, a fluttery sensation in the pit of my stomach. This was pretty much a command. In our previous exchanges, his invitations had seemed nonchalant, almost casual. But this one was different.
I chewed on the corner of my lip, trying to think about what he wanted. Did he want to have sex? Or was this something more important? Either way, I couldn't ignore his text, so I quickly got out of my pajamas and changed into a pair of loose jeans with a light sweater under a dark blue windbreaker as the spring nights were still a little chilly to go out in shirtsleeves.
As I let myself into Nobuki's apartment, I was a nervous wreck, praying my parents weren't going to try to call, or knock on my door. Not that they did it often, but these clandestine meetings with Nobuki were starting to take a toll.
But like a moth drawn to an open flame, there was precious little I could do to ignore the siren call of his body, his touch.
His apartment was dark, lit by moonlight streaming in through the half-open vertical slats drawn down over the floor-to-ceiling windows.
"Hello?" I called out, locking the door behind me before shucking off my sneakers and stepping into the foyer. "Nobuki?"
I didn't see him, sitting quietly in the armchair facing the windows, so when he spoke up, I had a mild heart attack.
"Come here."
Stifling a shriek of surprise, I pressed a hand to my chest, in a vain attempt to stop my heart from pounding right out of my ribs. "Can't you turn on a light? You scared me, sitting in the shadows like that. What are you, a vampire?"
I put a hand over the light switch, ready to flick it on.
"No lights."
"As you wish," I said, vaguely uncomfortable with the darkness that seemed to hint at sinister, seductive things that made the muscles in my thigh tighten, brought my breath up short. "Did you want to talk about something?"
A noise that sounded like a chuckle left his lips as he shook his head. "On the contrary, I'd prefer if we didn't talk at all."
"Oh," I said weakly. It was that kind of meeting. "Okay. Er."
I came to stop before the armchair facing the Tokyo nightlights spread out before us like Christmas lights.
As always, I was taken aback at the pearly beauty of his skin, the lock of dark hair falling over one eye as he leaned back in the plush leather armchair, his hands resting lightly on the armrests.
"Take your clothes off," he said.
Getting flashbacks of the first night we started this strange relationship, I quickly stripped out of my clothes, pausing at my panties, even though my bra was already off.
"That too."
Throat tight, I nodded and slipped them off, leaving them in a heap on the floor next to me.
He was still fully clothed, wearing a pair of blue silk pajama pants and a white long-sleeved t-shirt, his feet bare.
"What should I do?" I asked and shivered as the cool air ran all over my body.
He leaned his head back on the headrest, and closed his eyes, his hair falling back. "Suck me off."
At those simple three words, heat transfused through my body, starting from my core and going out through my hands, and my fingertips started to tingle.
There was the slightest feeling that maybe we were being one-sided about this. I didn't have a lot of chances to be forceful of my own desires. Then again, making him climax was enough to make my mouth dry with anticipation.
I licked my parched lips and went down to my knees and undid the ties of his pants.
"The shirt?" I asked.
Without a word, he shrugged out of it, the muscles under his skin working, stretching as he pulled the shirt over his head and let it fall to the floor.
Using my fingernails to lightly rake his bare skin, I pulled down his pants and then took his turgid cock between my hands, running my fingers up and down the shaft, reveling in his soft intake of breath as I brushed my thumb over the tip.
My finger came away slick and I licked the bitter yet strangely addicting taste of him before I replaced my hands with my mouth and took him in deep enough to make me worry I was going to gag.
His hands tightened into my shoulders and then went into my hair, fisting it. The small pain felt impossibly delicious as I used my tongue how he wanted it, brushing it against the front of his cock, flicking it along the thick vein.
His thighs twitched, and he sucked in a breath. It was an incredibly arousing experience to bring him to such pleasure, and I continued swiping along the vein with my tongue, his hands twitching minutely in my hair.
"I'm close," he muttered. "Don't stop."
The thought never occurred to me. As if I could!
A few moments later, he drew in a deep breath and shuddered, spurting into my mouth and I took it all in, the hot, bitter taste bringing up a wave of desire that I couldn't stifle, even if I had wanted to.
Was this what it felt like to be completely wanton, to not give a shit about anything but my partner? I hardly cared about myself, only that I brought him to his satisfaction.
I could have ended the night like that and been happy, but Nobuki had different plans.
He took me hard and fast, the breath catching in my throat as he bent me over the armchair, hands pressing deeply into my waist as he drove into me from behind.
It was a wicked, almost bestial position, but I reveled in it, hands clenched into the cushions as I came so hard, I almost blacked out from the pure pleasure of it all.
He brought me again and again to climax, working me carefully from different angles, his hips moving like oiled steel as it pounded against mine.
I didn't want him to stop, didn't want it to ever stop.
He reached down, his thumb flicking over my engorged clit, I came again, my cries echoing through the living room, as he shuddered and jerked in me, the hot wetness coursing down my leg, soaking into the armchair cushions.
I closed my eyes and let him carry me to his bed, and I lost count of how many times he made me come again.
I fell asleep in the circle of his embrace. and I didn't think there could possibly be anything wrong in the world.