Chapter Eight
Frisky Friday
Damarcus, Walt, and I finally tied the small motorboat to the dock, then untied the kayaks behind it, and carried them up to the boathouse. It was the end of the day, and after that escapade, we were all beat.
Sometimes guests didn’t pull their kayaks and canoes far enough up onto the beach as instructed when returning from an outing, and the boats would thereafter be taken by a wave and pulled off the sand, drifting back out onto the water. It happened more often when we were busy, like today, the boats escaping before anyone realized it.
This time it was three kayaks taken out by children of a family staying at the motel, and they drifted way the hell offshore before either Gil or Damarcus noticed. Fridays were always busy, since a lot of people boxed the weekend for a getaway, and staff was running around trying to keep up. Thankfully—though I hated to admit it—Walt’s new logging and tracking system alerted us to the missing boats pretty quick. Once we had assurance that the kids who’d taken them out were safe and back on the property, we headed out in my small motorboat, searching the salt pond to locate and drag them back to shore. It took a while, and everyone got very wet. We found two of them caught up in shrubs in shallow water edging the shore on the other side of the lagoon.
“I think you might want to start bringing a pair of swim shorts to work with you from now on,” I said to Walt, chuckling. “Just in case.”
“Not a bad idea,” he said.
Walt and I had fallen into a new comfort level the past few days, which was odd considering my ever-present confusion and sexual tension around him. But he’d been playful and chatty, which took the pressure off of me. I didn’t have to wonder what to say, or how to act, because he took the lead, and made it comfortable for both of us. He taunted and tormented me still, but in between he made me laugh a lot, and was just…friendly. He was actually beginning to feel like a friend, and that was weird, but I saw it as a positive thing. This shift between us, this new comfort, would eventually drown out the other feelings I had for him. This is what I told myself. It was what needed to happen, so I embraced the camaraderie, letting my guard down, allowing myself to fully enjoy his company.
I didn’t mention the Peppermint Pattie, or what it might mean, and he didn’t either. With some mental gymnastics, I convinced myself that this too had been a mere token of renewed friendship. A token that just happened to date back to a middle school ritual we had in the days before all the bad things happened…back in the days when I was still practically in love with him.
We left Damarcus to log the boats, and I walked with Walt toward the motel. His jeans were saturated and heavy, so he was walking with a stiff, wobbling gait. It amused me, but that wasn’t the only reason I couldn’t take my eyes off him. Damn, did Walt look good all wet with his clothes clinging to his body.
“Wipe that smile off your face,” he said.
“Was I smiling?”
“Uh huh. I know I’m walking funny but my jeans weigh a hundred pounds now, I could have drowned.”
“It was only two feet deep. And you volunteered to jump in.”
“Now I regret it. Kelsey’s not picking me up for another hour, maybe I’ll call him to come now.”
“I can lend you some shorts or something while you wait if you want.”
We’d reached the rec center, and he looked over his shoulder. “From your cabin? I’m not walking all the way back down the beach for a pair of shorts.”
I chuckled as he waddled over and leaned against the toolshed. “Now you’re walking like a robot. You really are the Walt Unit.”
“You’re a fucking unit,” he said. “Shit, my phone is wet.”
“You took it out on the boat?”
“It was in my pocket! I didn’t think.” He took three big steps and wiped his phone on my dry shirtsleeve. “Doesn’t look damaged.”
“Hey, speaking of clothes and phones,” I said, “Shea said this party tomorrow is at a country club in Landing?”
Walt shrugged, frowning at his phone. “And?”
“I was assuming it would be at someone’s house.”
He huffed. “What, like a backyard barbeque or something? No.”
“Well...is it gonna be...I don’t know. Fancy? It’s just an engagement party.”
Laughing, Walt patted my cheek. “Aw, you’re adorable. My family does not simply have just an engagement party. Everything’s a big fucking event. A chance to show off.”
“Shit,” I said. “Is this gonna be a high society thing?”
“Probably. My mom’s dead because of her desire to be high society. I swear, she got pregnant after her best frenemy hosted a debutante ball for her daughter. My mom tried to have a girl after that. Literally dying to show up her friends.”
“Walt.” I shook my head.
“Sorry, gallows humor. Look, you’ve got nothing to feel uncomfortable about. You’re smart, funny, personable. And easy on the eyes. You’ll hold your own just fine.”
My cheeks heated, so I looked at the ground. “No, it’s not like that, I can hold my own around anyone. I just didn’t realize until he texted this afternoon that I probably have nothing to wear. It’s been ages since I went shopping. What’s the dress code like?”
Walt chuckled, and wrung water out of the bottom of his tee shirt. My gaze was drawn to the tawny skin of his taut belly, so I quickly looked up and met his eyes. “Don’t know if there’s a dress code exactly,” he said. “Just your standard country club party attire. Wear a summer suit, you’ll be fine.”
“You say that like everyone just has one. And like I know what the fuck constitutes a summer suit.”
“You own a suit?”
“Yeah. One.”
“What color and what’s it made of?”
“It’s black. And wool or something.”
Walt shook his head. “That’s not a summer suit. Look, I’ll text Kelsey and tell him not to pick me up.” He tapped at his phone. “You can drive me home, and I’ll let you borrow one of mine. I have tons. You’re close enough to my size, it’ll look fine on you.”
“Hang on, no. I’m not comfortable with that.”
“Why not?”
“I can afford to buy my own suit, Walt.”
“I know you can afford to buy your own suit,” he said, making his voice whiny to mock me. “But it’s five o’clock on Friday night. That’s what you wanna spend tonight doing? Going out to look at suits? And you’ll have to drive out to Landing or Freeport or something, there are no decent stores in Gullport.”
“I don’t know.”
“What exactly are you uncomfortable with?”
“If you give me one of your suits for this thing, it’s gonna feel like the movies where the girl from the wrong side of the tracks scores a date with a guy from a wealthy family. And he has an expensive gown delivered to her beforehand, which is supposed to be romantic, but is really because he doesn’t want her showing up to the event looking like a low-class skank and embarrassing him.”
Walt snorted a laugh. “Julien, you’re fucking nuts, you know that? It’s not a class thing. I’m trying to give you a solution that doesn’t involve you spending your Friday night shopping after working all day. And I won’t have you going to one of my family’s snotty ass events and feeling uncomfortable. I just...I just won’t have that. If you insist on going to this stupid party with Shea, I want you to look and feel good.”
My eyes widened, surprised, and a little moved.
He held my gaze a moment, then looked away. “Don’t worry,” he said. “No one will realize it’s my suit, not even Shea. It’s not a big deal. Just trying to save you some hassle.”
“Okay, you make a good point,” I said. “Thanks. Call Kelsey. I’ll drive you.”
He grinned. “I already texted him.”
“Thanks Walt. I do appreciate it.”
He shrugged, scrubbing fingers through his damp hair. “Can’t have you looking like a skank at my brother’s side.”
“Fuck off.”
“Shea’ll be lucky to have you there, and I’m sure he knows it.”
“You’re gonna be there, right?”
“No. I hate those family parties.”
“But you told Shea you’d go.”
“I didn’t commit. Trust me, it’ll be better for all involved if I don’t go. My cousin Shannon is friends with my ex-wife.”
“Oh. Really?”
He nodded. “They were college roommates. That’s how I met Brie. But our divorce was beyond ugly. Forced proximity is never a good thing.”
“I see.”
“Plus, I’m the black sheep of the family anyway. Always was.”
“You? Can’t imagine.”
He stepped close. “Was that sarcasm, Julien?”
“Yes, Walter. Well done.”
I got a towel from the motel for my truck seat so Walt wouldn’t get it wet, then we headed out to the cliffside. Walt rested his head back, eyes closed, drumming his fingers on his thighs.
“Shit,” I said. “I’m getting in my own head now.”
“About what?”
“All that stuff you said about your family and high society. I actually do feel nervous about this party.”
“Don’t be nervous.” Walt glanced at me. “It’s still just a party. People talk and drink and eat cheese cubes. Some of them are assholes but not all. My cousin Shannon, the one getting married, is great, and her fiancé seems cool. No one will give you a hard time, especially if you’re with Shea.”
“I don’t meet new people a lot. I wish Shea and I were doing something else. This is all your fault.”
“How is it my fault?”
“You said all that shit to me about Shea taking Terry to every family function, and it put me off so I mentioned it. Shea invited me to this engagement party to prove something to me I guess.”
Head thrown back, Walt laughed long and loud.
“Oh, that amuses you?”
“That’s fucking hilarious. Serves you right for selling me out and telling Shea what I said.”
“I wish you were going,” I said carelessly.
Walt did a doubletake. “You do?”
“Yeah. So someone I know will be there. I’d feel less awkward.”
“What about Shea? You know, your date? He’s going to be there. You’ll be fine.”
“I know. I guess I feel like...” I was digging myself into a corner here.
“Like what?” Walt’s expression had gone from smirking to serious, and he watched me closely.
“I know you better than I know Shea.”
Walt stared straight ahead, quiet for a time. “Well, we have been spending a lot of time together,” he said.
“Yeah. We have.”
We drove in silence for a time. Once I took the right onto the steep, narrow hill that lead up to Walt’s house, he said, “I’m glad we’re friends now, Julien. Means a lot that you were willing to let go of the past.”
I glanced at him. “Yeah. Same. I mean, me too. I’m glad.”
He stared out the side window.
I smiled, even as something inside me ached. I could do this, I assured myself. Dating Shea and being friends with Walt. I could balance it. If I could overcome my past with Walt, I could do anything. It was all right to like him. To enjoy his company. I could gain pleasure simply from being around him, there was nothing wrong with that, was there? And if his words and deeds, or even just his presence, gave me the flutters sometimes? That was understandable. Leftover feelings from an ancient crush. It would go away eventually. Fade with time. I could do this.
“Oh my God!” Walt cried out, leaning toward the windshield. “They finished painting today, look!”
“Oh, wow,” I said as my truck maneuvered up the long driveway.
In the pink hue of the lowering sun, Walt’s big tall house gleamed white, and it changed everything. The place no longer looked haunted. It was gorgeous, striking, welcoming. And for the first time, I could imagine it as a hotel. He’d have to do something about the field of dead grass, and he probably had a lot more work to do inside. But it was happening. Walt Cook was going to open a hotel in Gullport. While the idea had infuriated me that first day when I picked him up, I couldn’t possibly be angry when he smiled like that. It was pure joy.
“Doesn’t it look great?” he said. “Stop the truck.”
We were only halfway up the driveway but I stopped, and Walt got out, slamming the door and sprinting across the front lawn. He stopped before his newly painted home and stared up at it, hands on his head.
I reached the front and parked, then walked over to stand beside him. “It looks great, Walt, it really does.”
His eyes were a little glassy, chest rising and falling. “I did it,” he said softly. “It’s really happening. This place is mine. No entanglements. Just mine.”
Resting a hand on his shoulder, I asked, “You okay?”
He laughed and nodded. “Yeah. Maybe for the first time in my life.” He cleared his throat and said, “Come on, let’s find you a suit.”
I was surprised when Walt led me up the wide, curving staircase, past two floors, all the way to the top, where he had not just a room, but a suite with a balcony facing the sea. He immediately went to the kitchen and put a kettle on. “Tea?”
“Sure.” I opened the doors and stepped onto the balcony, breathing in the salty air. It still smelled like Gullport, but the air was crisper here on the cliffside. Missing was that tinge of the marshes I knew so well from where I lived. Up high like this, the wind was strong off the sea, ruffling my hair. “I didn’t realize you had a whole apartment to yourself up here.”
He stepped onto the balcony with me. “It was the first thing I renovated. Needed a place to live comfortably if I was gonna do the other work. Plus, when the hotel opens, I’ll need my living space to be away from the guests, for privacy.”
“It’s nice. I like it.”
“Thanks. Come inside. I have choices for you.”
Ten minutes later, I was alone in Walt’s bedroom, which was spacious and tasteful, the furnishing a bit more classic and old-fashioned than I’d have imagined. Nice patchwork quilt on the big sleigh bed. Two large windows with long sheer curtains blowing in the sea breeze. Dresser with various jewelry boxes on top, a special tray with just watches and cufflinks on it. To the left of that was a large standing wardrobe that housed all of his suits, and there were a lot of them. After trying on a couple where the shoulders were just too big, making me look like a kid playing dress-up, I settled on one that fit me so well I couldn’t stop gazing in the mirror.
A lightweight cambric, dusty blue, it looked better on me than anything I’d ever owned, even with just my tee shirt underneath. On a vanity table next to me sat my tea in a delicate, hand-painted cup. I picked it up and took a sip. This felt like I was in some fancy store. Drinking tea. Walt had even put a plate with a pastry out next to the tea. It was odd, seeing him here at his home, in his natural habitat. He was a generous host, and I dared say he was exhibiting...class.
A quick double knock on the door.
“Come in.”
Walt entered the room. He took two steps then stopped dead, lips parted, staring at me. My eyes caught his in the mirror, and he smiled, walking over and standing behind me. “Looks good.”
“Thanks. I like it.”
“Looks too good on you, in fact. I’ll never wear it again. Keep it.”
I grinned as I removed the jacket. “I’m not keeping it. But I will borrow it. Again, thank you.”
“I’ll let you change, I’m gonna go walk the dogs,” he said. “Don’t leave until I get back, okay?”
“Sure.”
I changed back into my jeans, then made my way down to the first floor. With Walt out walking the dogs, I snooped around a bit again. Everything smelled like paint and cleaning product, and there were ladders and construction equipment scattered around, but I could see the place slowly coming together. A long, polished wood counter had been installed along the back wall of the large sitting room just inside the front door, and when I walked over and examined it, I saw stationary and other materials with The Lighthouse Inn printed on them, a little blue lighthouse as the design logo. This was obviously to be the reception area, and with the vintage wallpaper, fireplace, and cozy velvet chairs and couches, it was warm, welcoming, and stylish.
It was not what I would have expected from Walt Cook, at least not before I’d gotten to know him better recently. I’d seen The Cook Family Inn, the huge hotel on the water in Landing. Modern, fancy, even a bit garish, it looked like a polished castle. Everything about this house, however, was understated and soft, the décor more classic than modern. It made me feel calm and safe, wanting to curl up in front of that fireplace on a snowy night with a blanket and a cup of cocoa.
I went outside and put the suit in my truck, then lingered in front of the house, which seemed to be empty tonight. I wasn’t sure why Walt wanted me to stick around, but I was getting the strangest feeling that I’d better leave soon. Being with Walt tonight, at this cozy, blossoming abode he was so proud of, was giving me a buzz, making me feel warm and lightheaded like I’d just downed a shot of whisky. There was no doubt about it—I was regretting that I’d started to date Shea. But Walt was so loyal to his little brother. They were loyal to each other in a way that went beyond your average brother relationship, likely due to their upbringing. Walt would never fuck with that. And I would never fuck with that. But God, I was starting to come apart inside.
The more time I spent alone with Walt, the harder it was to think straight when he was near me. I thought about him when he wasn’t around, and I was always happy to see him now when he showed up for work. And far too often, I found myself wishing I could have more from him. A ‘what if’ scenario that kept popping into my mind, filling me with excitement and guilt.
He made me forget who and what he was supposed to be to me.
As the sun dropped, a chorus of crickets and frogs emerged, alongside the consistent roll of ocean waves hitting the bluffs like a bass drum. I spotted Walt in the distance, running with his two dogs at the far end of the field edging the woods. He stopped and wrestled with one dog, and the other jumped in. Then he stood, and made them sit and give him paws to shake before popping biscuits into their big jaws. Finally, they started back my way.
As they grew closer, I heard his voice, telling the dogs they were good boys, handsome boys, the best boys. Big Walt. Scary, horrible Wally Cook baby-talking to his dogs. I sighed. When I was a young teenager, he’d caused my palms to sweat and my head to spin. But now we were adults, and I was getting to know him, I feared for my heart. It was taking a beating just from watching him with his dumb dogs.
I can handle this. Be friends. It’s fine. I wasn’t thirteen anymore. I could do this.
Ten yards away, he looked up, and smiled when he saw me. My heart leapt into my throat, because it was that smile. His teenage smile. The secret smile.
I need to get out of here. “I’m gonna head home,” I said when he reached me. “Thanks for the suit. I’ll get it cleaned before I return it.”
“Let’s go to The Blindside,” he said, opening his front door to let the dogs inside.
“The Blindside?”
“Jude Applegate. You’ve lived in Gullport your whole life. Do not tell me you don’t know The Blindside.”
“I’m afraid I don’t. It must be here on the cliffside.”
Trotting down the stairs, he approached me. “The cliffside is part of Gullport.”
“I know, but I don’t come out here. My dad used to take us to the carnival in the summer, but I rarely venture out this way these days.”
“Oh, I see. I guess everyone needs something to look down on.”
“Cut the shit. I don’t look down on it. I’m just not as familiar. And roll it back there, rich kid, your family once referred to anyone from Gullport as marsh rats.”
“I’m not my family. And I happen to like marsh rats. All the cliffside crew hang out at The Blindside Friday nights. It’s a pub, dug into part of the bluff, been there since prohibition. Used to be an illegal speakeasy. Now it’s just a bar, but man, they have these pulled pork sandwiches that will make you see God. You gotta eat, right?”
I stared at Walt. He’d changed into fresh jeans and an army green long-sleeved tee shirt, and with the wind blowing his hair around, he looked like sex on a platter. Forget pulled pork sandwiches, I wanted to eat him alive, and that meant I needed to get the fuck out of here. “Thanks, Walt. But I’m tired. I’ll grab a sandwich when I get home.”
“That’s what you’re gonna do tonight? Stay home and eat a sandwich? After I saved your Friday night by giving you a suit to wear tomorrow?”
“Oh, come on.” I chuckled, shaking my head. “I knew that suit wasn’t free.”
“The Blindside is walking distance, we can literally take that path over there, through the woods, and it’s down by the beach. Minimal effort required. And you just might have a good time. So what’s the problem? You can have a meal with Shea, but not me?”
“That’s not fair.”
“Oh, I get it. You can only have a meal with a man if it’s someone you wanna fuck. And since you don’t wanna fuck me, it’s off limits.”
“Don’t start getting mean, Wally.”
He snorted. “Wally?”
“Yes, Wally. You’re reminding me of the kid I used to know. When you don’t get what you want, the barbs start flying and you lash out like a brat.”
“I’ll own that. I don’t like not getting what I want.” He stepped in close, making my heart skip. “But I assure you. Tomorrow, when you’re at my cousin’s stuffy party at the country club, trying to fill up on olives and canapés and shit? You’re gonna wish you had that pulled pork sandwich.”
His brown eyes bored into mine, challenging me, and I could smell him as a breeze lifted his hair. “All right,” I said. “That rationale convinced me way more than your cattiness.”
He grinned. “I’ll grab us some sweatshirts. Cliffside gets cold at night, even in the summer. Be right back.” He sprinted up onto the porch. “Don’t leave.”
I laughed. “I won’t.” I groaned, rubbing my forehead. “Jesus Christ,” I muttered. “What am I doing?”
I felt like a fish on the line, and Walt just kept reeling me in. Something unpleasant tried to pierce my thoughts, reminding me that Walt’s baited hook had already caught me once, a very long time ago. Lured me in only to gut me later.
“I threw you under the bus to avoid a beating.”
I was supposed to be past that now. Fifteen years and some solid explanations later, he wasn’t supposed to have any power over me. Except he did have power over me again, and I felt vulnerable. More power with each passing day. And that scared the shit out of me. Although I was attracted to Shea, being around Walt enchanted me in a way I didn’t understand. I had no control. I could feel his energy calling to me. Beckoning me. And just like when we were kids, I could do nothing but answer and follow.
But it was not like when we were kids. These were grownup feelings now, and they packed a grownup punch. He’d only asked me to go for a sandwich, I reminded myself, breathing deeply to calm my nerves. I wasn’t on his hook, and he wasn’t reeling me in. Walt was just being friendly, and I needed to stop thinking there was anything sinister or unsafe in his intentions.
****
“I cannot believe I didn’t know this place was here.”
“Neither can I,” Walt said. “You having a good time?”
“Yeah, I am, this is something.”
“Told you.” In a cozy leather chair, foot up on a stool, Walt puffed on a joint and smiled at me. “You should listen to me, always.”
I rolled my eyes and looked out at the sea. The Blindside was in some ways your average smoky pub—actually smoky as they had an ‘anything goes’ policy, a throwback to their speakeasy days, and they allowed smoking of all varieties. Cannabis, cigars, though only in this porch area with the open-air view of the sea.
The rest of the place was small but cool; a long bar edged the back of the room, along with a bunch of tables and couches, accompanied by music coming from a jukebox in the corner. The most remarkable feature was one wall formed of thick black rock, as the place had been built into the ocean bluff, part of the cliff itself. The décor fused nautical and hot club, with posters of jazz legends along the walls and coffee tables made from lobster traps. All the wood was dark and polished, with strands of red and white lights, creating a soothing, comfortable atmosphere.
And the bar was already filling up, the clientele made up of every age and ilk, some fishermen and hunters, some young, hip types. Walt seemed to know them all, especially the various contractors who’d been helping work on his house. Kelsey was here, along with Rafe, the man with the long ponytail I’d met the other night, and he kept dragging other people who were roughly his age over to meet me, introducing me as ‘Tommy’s boy.’ It made me feel funny. Good inside. Maybe it was meeting folks who’d known my father, or maybe it was being treated like I belonged, in a great place I’d never been. But I was warmed, happy, and glad I came.
And then there was Walt. We’d first sat at the bar and enjoyed the famous pulled pork sandwiches, after which he abandoned me for a while to socialize. Not that I minded, everyone was friendly, from the bartender to the strangers around me, and Kelsey and Rafe included me in a round of beers. But then Walt urged me out onto the porch so he could smoke a joint. A few other people were scattered around on chairs or leaning against the wooden railing that overlooked the sea. The music and chatter formed a kind of privacy, where Walt and I could speak freely, and he nudged my foot with his and passed me the joint. “You warm enough?”
“Yeah. Thanks.” I accepted the joint and inhaled just a little before handing it back. I already felt high on life tonight. “You were right about the sweatshirts.”
“Told you.”
“You say that a lot.”
He chuckled, his eyes a bit squinty from smoking. Stubbing out the joint, he shuffled his chair over and arranged it diagonally across from mine, then lifted my foot, resting my leg across his lap. “Great view, huh?”
I went very still. Sure, the view was magnificent, a clear night sky dotted with stars, ocean waves crashing. But sitting with Walt, my leg up on his lap, while Van Morrison sang about sailing into the mystic...I got lightheaded. And I didn’t think it was the cannabis. This felt too intimate. And too good. Like I was with my boyfriend, a boyfriend who excited me and made me feel more comfortable than I’d ever been with a man before. Like this was the exact right place I was supposed to be. I slid my leg off his lap and rested my foot back on the floor. “Yeah. Great view.”
Walt rose again, and shuffled his chair even closer, directly beside me now. Warm fingers brushed my neck and I turned my head. Walt leaned close to me, an arm on the back of my chair. His eyes trapped me, and the fingers on my neck drifted, threading through my hair. “Great view,” he said softly.
“What are you doing,” I asked, my voice unsteady.
“Enjoying a night out with a friend. We are friends, aren’t we?” A shiver ran down my back as his thumb caressed the nub of my spine. “We established that.”
“I don’t think friends sit this close.”
“No?” He gave me the secret smile, except it was so much worse with his face just inches away. “I think it feels pretty good.”
My eyelids fluttered as his fingers traced the shell of my ear.
I stood abruptly and walked to the edge of the balcony, leaning on the wooden railing, taking deep breaths to slow my heart. A moment later, Walt sidled up next to me. “What’s the matter?” he asked quietly.
“I don’t understand what game you’re playing.”
“I’m not playing a game.”
“Then you’re not thinking clearly.”
“Yes I am. Crystal clear.”
“Shea is your brother.”
“Shea is with Terry tonight.” I looked at him and he stared back at me, his eyes reflective in the dim light. “Shea’s with Terry, like he is most nights. Does that bother you?”
“No.”
“It doesn’t?”
“Shea and I have barely started dating. I haven’t reached the point of deciding if I care that he dates someone else.”
“Then maybe you should consider dating someone who would make you care.” He brushed my cheek with his finger. “Make you want it all to yourself.”
My mouth went dry as I stared back at him. Someone nearby was smoking a clove cigarette, and the scent carried on a gust of wind, and suddenly my heart was racing again, and I was too warm, a bead of sweat trickling down my back. Van Morrison was still singing in the background, but had shifted topics from the mystic to crazy love, and I turned on my heel and walked away from Walt, pushing through the laughing, happy crowd for the door. I was confused, aroused, and needed air. Needed to get away from Walt, and remind myself I wasn’t supposed to be doing this. Not with him.
He was the wrong Cook boy. Who, tonight, felt exactly like the right Cook boy. Everything felt too good. Too right. I wanted it, even as my past warned me not to trust him. My conscience reminded me that Shea, though we were not a couple by any means, would likely be hurt by it. Maybe Shea didn’t make my heart leap the way Walt did, and I knew I’d never fall in love with him. But he didn’t deserve betrayal. Walt was his brother, the closest person to him. His best friend. His childhood protector. Walt was all these things, and he knew it, so why the fuck was he trying to seduce me?
The bar exited onto a patch of beach, and I walked along the sand, heading for the path through the woods that brought us here, the one that led back to Walt’s house. He caught up with me as I was about to turn onto it. “Julien, hang on.”
Ignoring him, I started up the path, gingerly avoiding tree roots, pulling my phone out to use the flashlight. I heard his footfalls behind me. “I don’t know what you’re doing,” I said. “But you need to stop.”
“Why? Are you in love with my brother?”
“No. Of course not.”
He grabbed my elbow and stopped me, and suddenly my back was against a thick tree, with Walt holding my face in his hands. “Just stop for a minute, okay?”
“I know how loyal you are to Shea,” I said, my voice shaking. “I’ve seen it. I know that’s real, so why would you do this, Walt? Why you coming onto me? I honestly want to know.”
“Because I saw you first.”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“That’s a child’s answer.”
“We were children when we met. But we’re not kids now.”
“Exactly, we’re not kids. So let’s not act like them.”
“I’m not living in the past.” His thumb stroked my chin. “I feel something now, and I want to talk about it, Julien. I need to talk about it. It’s tearing me apart.”
I shook my head, but had no words. He was so close, and I wanted him so badly it was giving my cock a migraine. I couldn’t think, so I pushed him off me and stumbled up the path, deeper into the woods. Walt followed, but remained silent until we broke through onto his property, walked across the field of dead grass, and I was approaching my truck.
“You’re right,” he said. “About me being loyal to Shea.”
I stopped and turned back.
He walked toward me. “I’ve always been loyal to Shea.” His breath hitched, eyes fierce and focused on me. He grabbed my shoulders and pressed me against the side of my truck. “I’ve done everything for that kid my entire life. Everything! Shea is fine, and Shea is always gonna be fine, no matter what. I saw to that.”
“Walt...”
“He’s got everything he needs, Julien. Shit, he’s got more than he needs. He doesn’t need you, too. So maybe this is where I draw the line. Maybe for the first time in my life, I’m not gonna put him before myself. His needs before my own. Not this time. Not with you. I’ve done bad things in my life and maybe I haven’t always been a good man, but...” His breath hitched again.
“Walt, stop. Slow down.”
“I can’t slow down, because you’re going on a date with Shea tomorrow and I know there’s a chance you’re gonna sleep with him, and after that? There’s no going back after that. This is it, my last chance to get off my ass and not be a coward. I want to say what I have to say. Even if you don’t like it.”
“Okay,” I said, my pulse drumming. “Go ahead.”
He was silent for a moment, just looking into my eyes. Then softly, he said, “I’m not trying to use you for my redemption or any bullshit like that. But I did come looking for you that night I crashed my car. When Shea told me he liked you, I backed off, but I shouldn’t have, Julien.” He shook his head. “I shouldn’t have. Because it made me insane knowing I wouldn’t get my chance. And I...I want my chance.”
“Chance for what?”
“For what I want, Julien! For what I’ve always wanted. Ever since we first met in junior high, for Christ sakes.”
My eyes widened. “Oh.”
“I haven’t always been a good man. But I think I could be good for you. If you give me a chance, I know I could. I know it.”
A rush of joy and panic overtook me, wanting nothing more than to wrap my arms around him and pull him close, and kiss him until I stole his breath away. My palms traveled up his arms, but I stopped myself, my breath growing shallow. “You scare me so much,” I whispered.
His arms slid around my waist and he leaned against me, lips brushing my ear. “Why? Why do I scare you?”
“You destroyed me once.”
“Then we’re even. Because you’re destroying me now.”
I said nothing, my hands trembling.
“I’m not that kid anymore,” he whispered, his cheek brushing mine. “I’d never hurt you again.”
We were both breathing heavily, but neither of us moved for a long time, like we were getting used to this new, physical proximity. “I don’t know what to say, Walt. I...I don’t...what do you want me to say?”
“Be real,” he said. “If you tell me never, that nothing’s ever gonna happen, I’ll back off. But otherwise tough shit to the world and tough shit to the rules. Because ever since you came to pick me up that first day for work, I can’t sleep and I can’t think about a goddamn thing but you.” Easing back, he held onto my hands. “So be real. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
“You can’t be serious about this,” I said. “If this is just a mood of yours because the stars are out and you smoked a joint and listened to Van Morrison—”
“It’s not. It’s not a mood.”
“—don’t fuck with me, Walt. Please. I might be a grown man but... I’ve been on solid ground for a long time, I don’t need you coming along making quicksand under me on a whim.”
“It’s not a whim. If you knew how long I’ve thought about it...” He shook his head, lips tightening, that anguished look back in his eyes. “I know I’m late,” he said, voice cracking. “I’m really fucking late. I should have found you a long time ago and made things right. But...”
Before I could stop myself, I was moving toward him. I saw his eyes widen in realization before I captured his mouth with mine, and he gasped. His lips were soft and warm, a little salty, like a taste of the ocean. I’d never, in my teen fantasies, imagined a Wally Cook that lived on the cliffside of Gullport. I’d never dreamed his mouth would taste like the salt air caressing us now, or that there’d be a hint of cannabis smoke, or that his bottom lip would feel plumper than expected. And yet, in one way, his mouth was exactly how I always imagined it would be—perfect against mine. Made for me.
And in that moment, I cared about nothing else. No doubts. No fears. No regrets. Just this kiss.
His lips were only slightly parted until I shifted my jaw and licked the seam, begging for entrance. He relaxed, groaning as he exhaled. His mouth opened, lips gliding as he kissed me back, more pressure as his tongue tentatively tasted mine. As we both melted into it with a sigh, his kiss became wet and urgent, not skillful, but undeniably passionate. His arm slid around my back, tugging me against him in a possessive embrace that made me feel drunk.
I drew his bottom lip in and sucked, which seemed to set him on fire, and his hands traveled to my head, fingers in my hair, tongue in my mouth, then suddenly he gasped and pulled away, breaking the kiss.
I blinked drowsily, panting, struggling to come back to my senses.
Walt stared at me, chest rising and falling with each heavy breath. “Fuck,” he whispered. “God damn.”
“Sorry.” I swallowed, my body boiling. “Should I not have?”
Another heavy breath, then with an exuberant laugh, he wrapped me in a hug so tight I could barely breathe.
“You okay?” I asked.
“Fuck,” he whispered. “You kissed me.”
“I know. I was there.”
He shook with laughter, clinging to me. “You were. You were definitely there.”
With his chest pressed against mine, I could feel his heart pounding. “What’s funny? Why are you laughing?”
“I don’t know,” he mumbled into my neck, then snickered some more. “I’m overwhelmed and this is how it’s coming out.”
He was silent for a long moment, but still didn’t release me from his embrace. “Forgive me,” he said. “In my fantasies of kissing you I was way cooler than this.”
I chuckled. “It’s okay. Long as you were...okay with it.”
“Yes, it was just...almost too much. I’ve never kissed a guy before and it was just...Jesus, it was you.”
I tried to pull back to look at him but he squeezed me tighter, like he wasn’t ready to face me yet. “You’ve never kissed a guy?”
I could feel a slight tremble run through his body, then he whispered, “No.”
“Never? You said you were bi.”
“I am.”
“But—”
“I’ve known since I was thirteen. But only because of you.”
I gently pushed on his chest, forcing him to look at me. I smiled at his flushed, wary expression. “So how was it?”
“The kiss?”
I nodded.
He chuckled and looked down, stretching his arms, then cracking his knuckles. “Was so good I had to stop. If that makes sense.”
I was taken aback by how undone he seemed over the kiss. But I could see his sincerity in the flush of his cheeks, the endearing nervousness in his expression. And I’d felt his heart galloping against my chest. It gave me a unique satisfaction, a quiet awe that I could affect him like this.
“I mean, shit, Julien, you could have given me a warning. I had no idea you were gonna do that.”
“Walt, you were leaning against me and touching me and saying things that... A kiss wasn’t exactly out of order in that moment.”
“I guess not.” He laughed again. “You never really answered my question though.”
“What was the question, exactly? You’re not the only one a little overwhelmed right now.”
He grinned shyly, but closed in on me again, fingers brushing mine. “I asked if I had a chance with you.”
“Yes.”
“You feel something then?”
“I feel something.”
“For me?”
I laughed. “Yes, you idiot.”
He nodded, staring at the ground. His smile slid away, and he looked miserable suddenly. “I know you like Shea. I know you do. I could tell when we went out to lunch that day. I understand this is complicated.”
“Well sure, I like Shea, he’s a sweetheart. But that’s not a problem for me. My liking you a hell of a lot more is the problem.”
Walt’s lips tightened, then curved into a smile as he glanced up. “Really?”
“Really.”
“You can’t date both of us.”
“Walt...” I groaned. “Never in my wildest imaginings did I ever plan on, or desire to, date both of you. I don’t want to date both of you.”
“You’re willing to give me a chance then?”
Was I? Even as I questioned it, I already knew the answer. I’d always known, even when it was buried in hate. This thing...this horrible, wonderful ache I’d always had for him had only grown tenfold since he came back into my life. It was old, and it was new. It burned inside me, and I’d be lying to myself if I said I could easily extinguish it. But the most important thing right now, the answer to Walt’s question, was that I didn’t want to extinguish it. I wanted to throw gasoline on it and let it blaze, even if it burned me alive. I wanted to surrender, even if it turned out to be a mistake. Even if it broke me.
Self-preservation be damned, this was what I felt. It wasn’t logical, it wasn’t a solution to an equation, and it wasn’t the answer to any great, existential question in my life. It simply was. It simply existed.
“Yes, I’m willing to give you a chance. Even though I suspect my life will be a lot easier if I don’t.”
“Fuck off.” He gave me a wide smile, then chuckled, eyeing me shyly. “Are you sure though?” He gestured toward the sky. “It’s a starry night. You’ve been smoking weed and listening to Van Morrison.”
“The starry night isn’t what sold me,” I said, and his eyes softened. “And Van Morrison’s got nothing on what you said to me tonight. But shit, Walt, you have terrible timing. Tomorrow’s the party.”
He nodded, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “Do you still want to go?”
“No. I want to call him tonight and tell him I can’t make it. And I want to tell him it’s not gonna work out.”
His cheeks flushed darker, but his stare remained stoic. “I selfishly love that you want to do that. But I want you and Shea to remain friends after. This isn’t just some guy you can blow off with a phone call. It’s my brother. My only true family.”
“I know.”
“He needs to be treated with respect. With kindness and grace. This is Shea we’re talking about. I love him more than anything in the world, and I can’t see him humiliated.”
“You’re right.” I rubbed my forehead. “Shit. Of course you’re right. So what do you suggest?”
“Go to the party. It’s the polite thing to do. He invited you a while ago, to blow him off last minute would be shitty. Talk to him afterwards. Just don’t make it about me.”
“All right. That’s gonna be awkward and...suck hard. But okay, I can do that. But Walt...”
He stroked the edge of my hand with his finger. “What?”
“I have no problem telling Shea I’m just not feeling it, because to be honest, something’s been off with us from the start. But eventually, he’s gonna figure out that on some level, it is about you.”
“I know. But he doesn’t even know I’m bi yet, Julien. That’s a whole other conversation, one that has to come from me. That talk’s gonna happen between me and Shea alone, at a later date.”
We stared at each other. Night bugs chirped in the field. I shrugged. “All right. That’s settled then.” I stepped closer to him. “So...what now?”
He chuckled, eyes darting to my lips. “I’m not gonna kiss you goodnight, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
“Oh, tired of me already?”
“If I start, I won’t stop. And no more kisses until you’ve sorted things out with Shea.”
I took a dramatic step back, away from him. “Agreed. Reluctantly.”
“Okay.” He took a deep breath and let it out. “Tomorrow night will you call me? Just let me know everything’s...okay?”
“You know, I don’t even have your number. You always call my mom at the office.”
He snorted. “I know. I did that on purpose. I was trying to be noble and avoid you.”
“I figured.”
We exchanged numbers, and as soon as we did, Walt took two steps back, like he was afraid of being close to me now. “We’ll talk tomorrow night then.”
“Yeah. Tomorrow night.”
“Enjoy the party. Just don’t accidentally fuck my brother.”
I barked a laugh. “I promise. That’s not happening.”
Walt walked backwards toward his house, grinning devilishly. “I completely understand why he wants to fuck you, though.”
My lips parted, mouth going dry.
Walt pointed at me. “You should see your face.”
“You don’t play fair.”
“Never have.” He turned and headed for his front porch. “That was some kiss, Julien,” he called over his shoulder. “Goodnight.”
I smiled. “Goodnight.”
I watched him disappear inside, then I rested my forehead against the cool glass of my truck’s window. “Wow.”
Walt had hooked me. He’d reeled me in. And now he had me. I was on ice, waiting to see what would happen next. Hoping I wasn’t about to be opened up and flayed.