Chapter Four
Hungry Eyes
From the moment my date with Shea started, I felt out of place. Who in their early twenties lived like this? The extravagance of it all startled me, dragging me back to the realization that Shea was a Cook. And the Cooks were ridiculously wealthy. Suddenly I was thirteen again, crushing on a boy, feeling like an outsider. But ready to risk embarrassment and be brave for a pair of familiar, pretty brown eyes.
“How’s the wine?” Shea asked.
“It’s good,” I said. “Perfect.”
As was everything, from the beautiful table overlooking the Landing Marina, to Shea’s eyes glittering in the candlelight. His restaurant, Asiago, was exquisite, as was the yacht with the same name that I could see from where we sat. We were on an open-air patio, a jazz quartet playing in one corner, and our table was closest to the water, separated from the other diners. Along with the privacy, the service was top notch, but of course, Shea was the owner, so it was to be expected. The waiter, a handsome middle-aged man had just poured the wine after delivering an appetizer of shrimp cocktail. “Good choice, Shea,” he said as he set the bottle on the table. “You’ve got great taste.”
“In the wine, or the guy?” Shea asked, and the waiter glanced at me.
“Both.” He gave Shea an awkward grin, then moved on to another table.
“I think you embarrassed him,” I said.
“Him or you?”
I laughed and shrugged. “Mostly me.”
“Well, it’s true. I have good taste. In dates at least. You look fantastic.”
“Thanks. You too.”
Shea was more beautiful than I remembered from just that morning, his blond hair tinted pink from the blush of sunset reflecting off the water. He was dressed more casually tonight, in brown slacks and a white short-sleeved shirt. I was trying not to compare him to Walt, but found myself doing so anyway. His hair was a different color of course, and his smile was more open than Walt’s. Even in his most relaxed moments, there was something guarded about Walt. But the two brothers had very similar eyes. And Shea’s were looking at me like I was something special. Like he wanted me for his main course. It was making my face heat and my pants snug in the groin area.
I’d chosen correctly in my own outfit, similar to Shea in tan slacks and a blue short-sleeved shirt. I’d wanted to look nice, but not like I was trying too hard—Walt’s fucking taunts about my perceived desperation had gotten to me. Like he could sense the dry spell I’d been going through, the prick. While Shea’s interest felt genuinely sincere, I was still holding back, enjoying his company but not allowing myself to become too smitten, proceeding with caution. I would not be lured to ruin by another Cook boy.
“So did my brother do all right today?” He took a sip of wine.
“Yeah. He did good.”
“Now I know you’re not being completely honest,” he said with a grin. “No problems at all? I find that hard to believe. I know he’s not easy.”
“You’re right.” I chuckled. “He’s got an attitude, but I can handle him. By the end of the day he was fitting in well with the staff. They all love him, in fact.”
“I’m really glad to hear that. I’m sorry if he’s giving you a hard time, but I’m actually glad he’s still got the attitude. My dad’s bullshit has been sucking the life out of him. Walt hasn’t been himself, and I hate seeing it.”
I hesitated, then said, “Your father called him late in the day.”
Shea went very still. “You’re kidding. How do you know?”
“He told me. He was...upset. Shit. I probably shouldn’t be telling you this. Blabbing to you about things your brother said in confidence. We should set some boundaries. I mean, if Walt’s gonna be working for me, while you and I become...friends.”
He smiled. “Or more than friends?”
“Right.” I laughed. “You know what I mean, right?”
“I do. And I agree. I’ll talk to Walt about boundaries too.” Rolling his eyes, he chuckled and said, “He’s already been crossing them.”
“What do you mean?”
“Never mind.”
“Oh, come on. Now you have to tell me.”
“Okay. But remember. You asked.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket, scrolled through, then turned it to show me.
Leaning in, I flushed as I read the words. A text. From Walt. ‘Did you blow him yet? Do his pubes match his hair?’ “Oh, Jesus,” I said. “When did he send that?”
“Shortly before you got here. And it’s not the only one. The others were more graphic.”
“What...what is wrong with him?”
Shea laughed. “Plenty. But I’m turning my phone off. Don’t worry, it wasn’t about you.”
“Oh, really? You got a date with someone else tonight?”
“No! I mean it’s not about you personally, Walt just loves to torment me. Brother stuff.”
I smiled obligingly, but that odd confusion plagued me again. I didn’t know the adult Walt, not yet, but he sure seemed insistent on interjecting himself into my potential romance with his baby brother. Entirely too interested.
For a moment, I pondered recklessly how Shea would react if I told him that Walt’s was the first penis I’d ever touched, and by invitation at that. Poor Shea would probably choke on a cocktail shrimp. I’d been associating my youthful Wally Cook trauma with grief and bullying for so long, that the sexual element of that night faded somewhat into the background. Or maybe I’d pushed it into the background, considering the aftermath. Either way, I’d written the sexual touching off as pure selfishness on Wally’s part long ago. Told myself I’d been nothing but a potential hand-job, a step up from his own palm greased with Ben Gay numbing cream. But maybe there was a thread of bisexuality in Walt after all. If so, it was obviously shrouded in closeted bullshit, after the way he’d spoken to me today.
“So yeah, I agree,” Shea said. “About setting boundaries. I did want to ask how he was doing, because I worry about him. But after tonight, we’ll close that bubble. Keep things separate. Deal?”
“Yeah. Sounds good.”
“So Dad called, huh? Fucking prick.”
“It was at the very end of the day. Kelsey picked him up shortly after. I um...kind of helped calm him down.”
“Well, I thank you for that. No one sets Walt off like my father.” Shea picked a shrimp out of the cup, then frowned and set it down again. “Walt keeps changing his number but my dad always seems to find him again. The asshole’s even showed up at Walt’s new place in Gullport a couple times. Drunk. Ranting. He’s not supposed to contact him while they’re in this legal dispute. But then, my father’s never been one for rules. Kelsey keeps trying to talk Walt into getting a restraining order.”
“Oh. It’s that bad?”
We both went quiet while the waiter brought our meals. “Thank you,” I said.
“Thanks, Pete.”
“Enjoy.”
Shea poked at his fish with his fork. “Yeah, it’s that bad. When my father drinks especially.”
“Will he get a restraining order against your dad?”
Shaking his head, Shea said, “It’s complicated. He’s been holding off because he doesn’t want to do anything to delay the court date they already have, for the business stuff. Also, he fears news like that would get out around town and hurt the family businesses. He doesn’t care much for my other brothers, Harrison and Glenn. But he won’t take the chance of it coming back on me. Kelsey gets frustrated with him. Says Walt gives my dad too much leeway. I tend to agree.”
“So is Kelsey...a friend of Walt? Just a roommate? What?”
It was a shady question, but damn it, I couldn’t get my mind off Walt’s sexuality. Now that the idea had entered my mind, I couldn’t shake it. Maybe Walt was right—I was nosy.
“Kelsey? Yeah, they’re good friends. He worked at the hotel here in Landing. I guess he got in the middle of Walt’s fight with my dad and Dad freaked out on him. So Walt took Kelsey with him when he moved to Gullport. Says he’s a good worker. Loyal. I’m glad. Walt needs all the friends he can get while dealing with this lawsuit. Most people in this town are so far up my father’s ass, they shut Walt out the minute he stood up to him. Fucking cowards.”
“So Walt is not...” Damn it, the words started spilling out of me before I could think.
Shea’s brows rose. “Not...what?”
“He’s not dating Kelsey?”
A laugh guffawed out of Shea. “Dating? No! Walt’s straight!”
“Oh. Completely? Not...bisexual?”
“Ah, no. At least I’d be very surprised if he was. I came out to him when I was fifteen. He told me to never tell. And tried to convince me being gay was a choice.”
“Oh. Really? Shit.”
“Yeah. Said I needed to at least put my gayness on hold until I got older and moved out of the house.” He snorted. “Like it was just something I had on my calendar. Four o’clock, Tuesday: Be gay.”
I chuckled, but something raw throbbed inside. Putting gayness on hold—it reminded me of the request my father made of me before he died.
“Although,” Shea pointed his fork at me, “Walt is pretty much the horniest guy I’ve ever known, so who knows. The kid would hump anything when we were younger. He got grounded once because he was always stealing my mom’s catalogue-order face cream and jerking off with it.”
I snorted. “Nice.”
“Yeah. He’d jerk off with anything. He was famous for it. Socks. Gloves. Food. Couch cushions. I wouldn’t even leave my Teddy Bear in his room in case he fucked it.”
“Oh my God.” I laughed, shaking my head.
“You laugh, but that Teddy Bear was still a virgin when I took him away to school with me, so I did my job.”
“Stop.” I wiped my eyes, snickering. “I’m still stuck on the couch cushions.”
“Right. The couch was not a virgin when I left for school.”
“You’re joking. Please tell me you don’t know this from witnessing it.”
“Oh, I never witnessed it, thank God.” Shea snickered. “His friend Emmet told me Walt shared that tidbit with him. Apparently he used to fill sandwich bags with Vaseline, wedge them between the couch cushions, and fuck them. Emmet found that hilarious.”
My laughter slid away. “I’m sorry...did you say Emmet?”
“Yeah, he was a friend of Walt’s for a while.”
“You’re not talking about Emmet Barker, are you?”
Shea’s eyes widened. “Yes. You know him?”
“Yeah, I know him. He works for me.”
“Wow, I haven’t thought about Emmet in ages.”
“They’re not still friends?”
“Oh God, I don’t think so. I haven’t heard Emmet’s name mentioned since we were kids.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. It sounded like I needn’t add the Walt and Emmet connection to my list of concerns this summer.
“He works for you? At the motel?”
“Does grounds work. He’s been there a year. How...um, how long was he friends with Walt?” I’d wondered if Emmet kept in contact with Wally after he left school, but of course, it made sense. Emmet had been particularly steadfast in maintaining the rumors about me.
“They were friends through most of high school. It was a long time ago, but I remember Emmet used to come over now and then. But then Walt went away to juvie and after that, I never saw the kid again. I never knew what became of him. He just kind of dropped off the face of the earth.”
“Working at Beaver Tail is what became of him. And I wish he’d drop off the face of the earth,” I grumbled, taking a bite of chicken. “I’ve known him most of my life. Guy’s a prick.”
“He was always a little weird. So...hang on.” Shea frowned. “You’ve known him most of your life? So Emmet is from Gullport?”
“Yeah. That’s how he met your brother. That year he went to school with us.”
“Oh. I was pretty young when they were friends. And Walt had a lot of friends. I kind of assumed he was from Landing, like us.”
“Nope. Emmet is most definitely a Gullport boy.”
“Huh. I guess he’d come out to Landing just to see Walt then.”
“Not surprised. He was obsessed with Walt.”
Shea chuckled, then frowned. “I thought you said you barely remembered my brother from school?”
I paused, fork halfway to my mouth. “Oh. Um...” I set my fork down and picked up my napkin, wiping my mouth. “Yeah. I kind of remember Emmet following him around though.”
Shea eyed me strangely for a moment, then we were interrupted when Pete the waiter approached, leaning over and muttering in Shea’s ear, “Harry’s here.”
“He’s here now? Oh, what the fuck.”
“He’s in the bar,” Pete said. “Just thought you’d want to know.”
“What’s wrong?” I asked, because Shea’s eyes shifted back and forth and he’d begun violently twisting his napkin, clearly agitated suddenly.
“My father’s here.” He threw the napkin down. “Pete, how drunk is he?”
The waiter glanced at me.
“It’s okay, you can speak freely,” Shea said.
“Well, he’s drinking vodka, and telling anyone who’ll listen that this place was much better when he ran it. Before his youngest son changed everything and named the restaurant after, and I quote, a fucking cheese.”
“Great,” Shea said. “Does he know I’m here?”
“I’m not sure. But plenty of other people do, so...”
“I can’t deal with him tonight. Jude, would you mind moving to my boat over there?”
“Ah, sure. Whatever you want.”
“Pete, if he asks, tell him I left, okay? That I went to Gullport or something.”
“Of course.”
“Thank you. Jude, this way. Follow me?”
I glanced over my shoulder as I followed Shea down a set of stairs toward the water. I couldn’t see the bar from here, and for that I was glad. Perhaps I hadn’t thought this thing through, jumping in to date a Cook boy. Shea’s father would be an older man now, and I was not a little kid anymore. But my stomach flipped at the thought of seeing the prick who hurt me back then.
My eyes lingered on Shea’s perfect ass as I followed him down a dock toward his yacht, backlit by the night sky. I liked Shea. I was attracted to him. He excited me, and I didn’t want to walk away. But I was beginning to think I’d erred in agreeing to this date. Just because he wasn’t Wally didn’t mean there wasn’t still baggage attached. This family was connected to the worst pain of my life. Shea didn’t know that, but how could I possibly proceed as though that connection didn’t exist? I’d been so flattered and excited by Shea’s interest I hadn’t taken the time to think it through, and now I was anxious and unsure.
But my pondering was cut short once Shea led me onto his gorgeous white yacht, the sheer opulence distracting me. We walked through a dining deck, then down a set of stairs to an elegant living area with sumptuous cream leather sofas and large windows with a panoramic view of the marina. “Sorry about this,” Shea said as he approached a bar in the corner. “Wine?”
“Yeah, okay. Not sure what you’re apologizing for. This boat is...amazing.”
“Oh, thanks. It’s important, I think, for everyone to have someplace to get away when things get too hectic.”
With his back to me, I rolled my eyes, continuing to look around. A place to get away. Like he was talking about a simple room of his own, not a fucking yacht. Shea handed me a glass of wine and as we settled on one of the sofas. He picked up a remote control and dark shades lowered over all the windows. Turning to me, he grinned. “Privacy.”
I chuckled nervously, sipping my wine. “Nice.”
Shea pinned me with a stare as he sipped his wine, that hunger back in his eyes again. “Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah. Sure.”
“Do you like me?”
I smiled, trying very hard not to think of Walt, who’d asked me the same thing earlier. “Yeah, Shea. I like you. I’m here, aren’t I?”
His hand rested on my knee. “I mean are you attracted to me.”
“Oh, hell yes.”
“Good.” He set his wine down on the coffee table. “Because I want to kiss you. I really, really want to fucking kiss you.”
My heart tripped, and I set my own wine down, leaning into him. “Come here then.”
One hand on the small of his back, I drew him close. My lips found his, and he kissed me hard. I eased back, attempting to soften it, but his mouth followed and locked on again, devouring mine. I surrendered, tasting, drinking him in. His lips were pillowy soft but aggressive, and I gave him my tongue and found his, allowing him to take all he wanted. It had been so long since I’d kissed someone, and dizzy euphoria made my head spin, drowning in sensation, forgetting all my misgivings.
Before I knew it, he’d straddled me, my fingers gripping his jaw as we kissed open-mouthed with wanton abandon.
Sounds came from above us, and we disengaged. Cheeks flushed, Shea glanced at the ceiling. “Shit. Who the fuck is that?”
As footsteps fell upon the stairs, Shea leapt off of me, and I turned around as a tall black man in his thirties walked in, stopping short upon seeing us. “Oh, shit. I’m sorry, Shea. I thought you were at the restaurant.”
“No, my dad showed up so we came here.” Shea straightened his shirt, trying to tug it down over the boner tenting his pants. “Terry, this is Jude.”
“Hi, nice to meet you.” He winced. “Sorry. I’ll be out of here in one second, I just left a file here last night and I need it for court tomorrow morning.”
Tall and handsome with striking eyes beneath stylish glasses, suit pants and a white button-down shirt with the sleeves pushed up, Terry began rifling through a desk near the entrance. This was extremely weird and awkward. Walt was right though, his lawyer...Shea’s not-boyfriend, was good looking, and I was experiencing a bout of insecurity along with my general discomfort. High cheekbones, luminous skin, and I could see the outline of his gym membership beneath the fabric of his shirt.
He found what he was looking for, glancing over with an apologetic smile as he held up the folder. “Got it. Again, I’m so sorry to intrude. Shea, I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“No worries, talk tomorrow.”
Once Terry had gone, I looked up at Shea. “Wow. So that was—”
Shea leapt onto my lap again, thighs astride my legs. “Where were we,” he whispered, then fell upon me, tongue in my mouth, plump ass gliding against my lap.
I grasped his shoulders and gently pushed him back. “Wait.” I was already breathing heavy again. Goddamn, this kid was sexy. Man. He’s a man, not a kid. “Hang on, Shea.”
“Why?” His gaze was heated as he rolled his hips, making me groan. “I’ve been thinking about you all day. Can’t fucking stop...”
He kissed me and soon I was breathless again. It took more effort to force myself to stop this time, but once again, I grabbed his shoulders. “Shea...”
“I fucking want you.” He bit my lip. “God, I just want you all over me. Do you wanna fuck me?”
“Shea...”
“I’ll let you. I’ll let you do anything.” He nibbled my ear. “Anything.”
My eyes closed, and my hands drifted to his ass, but then I shook myself and lifted them to his face, holding his jaw firmly as he tried to lean in again. “Wait. I can’t do this.”
His brows pinched, an expression of true agony as he pressed his swollen groin into me. I sympathized, my own dick was so hard and my resolve so shaky I could have easily just thrown him down and torn him apart. But this was too weird after that surprise visit. “Why?” he asked, his voice soft and breathy. “You said you liked me.”
“And I do.” I pulled his face in and gave him a quick, hard kiss. “My God, I do. And I want you. But Terry...”
“I told you. We date other people. He’s fine, I promise.”
“Okay but that kind of...ruined the mood.”
Reaching down, he ran a palm over my cock, grinning. “Doesn’t feel ruined.”
“Shea.” I smirked shaking my head, then wrapped my arms around him, lifting, turning, then dropping him onto the sofa. “Stop.”
“Oh,” he whined, reaching his arms up. “Why are you all the way over there?”
“Because.” I took another step back, groaning as I adjusted my pants. “I can’t think straight when I’m touching you. But...as much as I’d love to do this, I don’t have someone else in my life. Like Terry. It’s just me, and I’m not sure I want to get caught up in you if I’m...getting in the middle of something.”
“You’re not.” Sighing, Shea nodded. “But okay, I admit, this has been a disaster of a date.”
I winced. “Kind of. Yeah.”
He chuckled. “I know. I know.” He rested his face in his hands, then looked up again. “I was hoping I could make you forget Terry showed up, by jumping you. But I understand. But could you...just come here a second? I won’t jump on you again, I swear.”
He reached for me and I took his hand, sitting down beside him.
“Could you...Jude, can we please try this again? Sometime soon? Can I get a do-over?”
“Shea, I don’t know. I mean, Walt said Terry is basically your boyfriend in all but name, that you take him to all the family functions and I just... It’s not that I can’t do casual. I can do casual, if it really is casual. So, I’m asking. Full honesty. With you and Terry. Is it really? Casual?”
“Yes!” He cupped my cheeks in his hands. “Jude, I really want to get to know you, and I wouldn’t have asked you here if I was in a committed relationship.”
“Okay.”
“Is the night really ruined?”
“Well...” I tried not to get lost in his eyes. “First the thing with your dad and then Terry and...it just kinda knocked it off course.”
Shea groaned and rubbed his eyes. “I know. I shouldn’t have brought you here. Should have known this could happen. I guess I was trying to impress you.” He shrugged, smiling sheepishly. “Are you impressed?”
We both laughed. “You wanted to impress me?”
“Yes.”
“No, it’s fine, really. Just circumstance, that’s all. It’s not you.”
“Listen.” He took my hands in his. “Since my big-mouth brother said all that shit to you, I feel compelled to convince you he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. There’s an engagement party in a couple weeks for my cousin Shannon who’s getting married. A big to-do but it’ll be an open bar and a lot of fun. Will you go with me?”
“To a family thing?”
“Don’t worry, it’s on my mother’s side. My dad won’t be there. And my mother has passed on. So just aunts and uncles and cousins. No bullshit.”
“Oh, your mother died? I didn’t know that.”
Shea frowned. “Why would you?”
“Oh. I wouldn’t. I meant...I’m sorry.”
He relaxed, leaning against the side of the couch, and waved me off. “We weren’t close. And I was thirteen when she died, so it’s been a while.”
“Oh. My dad died when I was that age. So I get it. Must have been hard.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “Were you close?”
I nodded. “Very.”
“I envy that. I never had that. With either parent.”
“I’m sorry. What happened with your mom, if you don’t mind my asking?”
“She tried to have another baby. Which I never understood.” He shook his head. “She never particularly liked the kids she already had. But she wanted to try for a girl. Had a miscarriage and they couldn’t stop the hemorrhaging.”
“Oh, that’s terrible.”
“Yeah. My father...well, he was never a treat, but he got so much worse after that. If not for Walter, I doubt I’d have survived it.” His lashes dipped. “Walt always put himself between me and my dad.” He looked up. “Between me and my father’s fists, I mean.”
I reached up and stroked his cheek. “Shea.”
“I don’t know why I’m telling you this.” A tear slipped down his cheek, and he chuckled, wiping it away. “I don’t know why, but you make me comfortable. Like...I feel safe with you.”
“Well, I’m glad for that at least.”
“I’m sorry. This is so embarrassing. I’m not usually emotional like this. It just all feels so fresh tonight for some reason.”
I softened, pulling him into a hug. “You sure this isn’t a ploy to get a second date?”
He laughed against my chest. “Is it working? Will you come to my cousin’s engagement party with me?”
I held his shoulders and leaned back to smile at him. “No drunk fathers and no surprise Terry this time?”
“I promise.” He leaned in and kissed my cheek. “Give me a second chance to show you a good time. Please?”
“Okay.”
He punched the air, making me laugh.
“But I should go now. Before you seduce me with those damn eyes again.”
“You shouldn’t have told me that,” he said, batting his lashes. “Now I’m gonna use them to my advantage.”
Despite the flirtation, he stood and took my hand, leading me back up top. We walked together off the dock then down a walkway that led to the road, where my truck was parked. After his confessions about his family, I doubted he was feeling so amorous anymore either. But I wasn’t sorry it happened. Because it was real. When I’d arrived, I felt out of place, like Shea and his entire world were out of my league. But after he broke down just now, although I hated seeing his pain, he became human again, like the little boy I’d met years ago.
But his comment about me making him feel safe, and about the past feeling so fresh tonight, made me wonder if I was lodged in his memory somewhere. I didn’t look the same, and Shea was so young back then. But things kept happening to take me back to this idea. His stated comfort with me. How drawn to me he was. His emotional response tonight, and the very fact that he felt compelled to confess the abuse he and Wally endured in childhood.
And he did, upon our first meeting, ask if we’d met before. Said my eyes looked familiar to him. I needed to think about this before our next date, because it was beginning to feel dishonest. I wanted to be sure Shea liked me for me, for who I was now. Not because of some buried memory of me getting between him and his father’s fists. Like Walt used to do for him.
And in a way, I wished Shea hadn’t told me that part either. Because it made me soften to Walt, and I wasn’t really ready to do that. I wasn’t sure I’d ever forgive him.
We kissed softly, then after exchanging numbers, I got in the truck and left the beachside town of Landing. I wanted to give things another chance with Shea. But I definitely had some thinking to do first. And Shea wasn’t the only one on my mind. Because if I decided to be honest with him...then that connection would be revealed to Walt as well. Exposing me. All the bodies would be dug up and brought into the light. I was not yet prepared for that resurrection.