Ally

As I stir the life out of my coffee, I stare through the kitchen window. Dark clouds roll in, taking over the beautiful clear blue sky I’d woken up to an hour ago. Even with the crappy weather, I smile when I think about the week which has passed. It’s been a crazy whirlwind that I never pictured happening to me.

After the beach incident on Tuesday, Xavier met me at work every day and we walked down to the beach. Sometimes we talked about our day - small things you know, nothing too heavy. But, yesterday, no words were spoken as we walked along the beach and soaked everything in. I know no matter what, he always had his arm around me or was holding my hand. It’s like he couldn’t be near me without some form of contact. I’m starting to crave his touch as much as he seems to need mine.

When I finished work, he was there to take me to dinner. As each day passes, it becomes harder to tell him no. Last night we didn’t have dinner together although he wanted me with him. Having dinner with him is one thing, having it with his parents is a completely different ball game which I don’t think I’m ready for. So instead, he ended up texting me all night when he should have been concentrating on spending more time with his mother.

Taking a sip of my coffee, I look at the clock on the wall above the fridge. I watch as the second-hand ticks away, reminding me I need to leave shortly to go and see my mother. My stomach twists at the thought and my heart beats louder in my ears. I’m not sure I want to burst the bubble I seem to be living in these days. I’m hoping today is a good day and I can get in out of there unscathed so I can come home and get everything ready for tonight. Xavier is coming over and I’m planning on cooking him dinner. The stubborn man refuses to allow me to pay when we go out so, this is my way of saying thank you. A thrill runs through me just thinking about having him in my space tonight. Again, I hope I’m making the right decision about him because I don’t think I can fight this attraction any longer.

I stand staring up at the two-story house which brings back the nightmares from years ago. Taking a deep breath, I make my way towards the front door and push it open I hold my breath to reduce the stale smell and pick up the empty alcohol bottles lining the hallway as I make my way towards the sound of the television that’s blaring in the lounge room. I expect to see my mother sitting in her chair but it’s empty. I look around the dimly lit, smoky room but she’s not here. Maybe she’s upstairs or has gone out.

I ignore the fact she’s not here and continue picking up bottles and emptying the ash tray beside her recliner. I don’t hear her come downstairs as I head for the back door to take out the rubbish.  

“Ally, is that you?” Her voice is slurred and I have to bite back the irritation I feel at hearing it. Pushing everything back to the recesses of my mind, I call back as I open the back door.

“I’m just taking the rubbish out.”

I listen for a response but hear nothing. I do what needs to be done before heading back inside. When I reach the kitchen, I’m faced with dishes piled up over the benches and sink. I shake my head, it’s always the same. Fuck knows how long they’ve been sitting there, probably since the last time I was here.

I run the water and as I open the cupboard under the sink to grab the washing detergent, I hear her stumble into the kitchen. I cringe when she knocks over one of the chairs at the dining table, but quickly wipe the disgusted look off my face before I look over at her. No point giving her any reason to start her shit today. Just do as you planned, Ally get in and out as quick as you can. I keep repeating the words to myself as I start to wash the numerous cups lining the bench.

“Why the fuck are you so happy?” She snarls and I look up from what I’m doing.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re fucking humming.” She spits out the words like humming is the worst thing in the world.

Just a little bit longer, Ally. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Do not show this woman any emotion.

“I w-wasn’t,” I stammer, annoyed with myself for allowing her to intimidate me.

“Don’t fucking lie to me, you bitch!”

“I..I..I....” I stumble over the words, not sure what to say so I eventually shut my mouth. Then, without thinking I blurt, “I meet someone.” I slam my mouth shut. I can’t believe I told her. I wait for the nasty shit to fall from her mouth and I’m surprised when it’s dead silent. Glancing over my shoulder, I watch as a million emotions flash over her face before an ugly sneer settles in place.

“You little slut as if any man would be interested in a selfish little bitch like you!”

There is so much malice and hate in her voice and I cringe at the power she has to hurt me deeply. No matter how many times I tell myself that her words mean nothing to me, it’s all a lie. I feel a bite of pain slide up my arm and wince. Looking down I notice I have picked up a knife by the blade and squeezed my hand around it.

“Shit!” Dropping the knife, I move towards the roll of paper towel attached to the wall near the fridge. I tear off several sheets and quickly wrap it around my hand to stop the blood, but it’s no use, the blood soaks the paper and crimson droplets hit the floor. My mother continues her vicious taunts, my eyes mist over and although I close them to stop myself crying, tears slide freely down my cheeks. She goes on and on, her voice rising with every sentence.....

“No one could ever love someone like you.”

“You’re in dreamland if you think you’re worth anything at all!”

“Such a selfish cow!”

I can’t take it anymore and let out a scream which rocks me to my core. There are so many things racing through my head and I can’t stop the words as they pour out of my mouth.

“Shut up! Shut up! Just shut the fuck up!” My breathing is short, coming in pants and even though I try hard to get more air into my lungs, I’m struggling.

“You are nothing!” I scream but don’t stop there “You think I don’t live this nightmare every fucking day or every fucking time I come here? But, instead of us dealing with this together and helping each other, you waste your time on getting so drunk you’re lucky if you make it upstairs. You’re a waste of space and I deserve better.” I throw everything I have into my words, hoping she can feel the hate I have for her. Taking up the space between us quicker than I thought possible in her state, she gets up into my face and shoves me into the wall. My back hits the paper roll attached to the wall and breaks away. I'm amazed at her strength.

“You’re a weak and worthless, bitch. What have you done in your life that was so great? Don’t you dare judge me, you took away my only reason for living. Don’t you dare fucking come here and wave in my face how happy you are. That shit is a dream. This...” She waves one hand around. “.... is your reality and you need to get that through your thick fucking head. Nobody could ever love somebody like you.” She spits and it washes over my face, the stench of her alcohol laden breath makes my stomach roll.

I push her away in anger. “Get out of my face and don’t ever touch me again. You’re the worthless one. Even when dad was alive you never gave him what he needed.” As the words leave my mouth, I feel the sting to the side of my face as she hits me. I raise my injured hand to rest against the tingling, burning pain of my cheek. I watch as she turns, stumbles over her feet but catches herself on the bench then, straightens and makes her way towards the lounge room.

Tears are coming fast and furious now, I can’t deal with this anymore. I’m done. I send a prayer up to my dad and tell him I’m sorry because I will never come back to this house again. This is not my home, it hasn’t been for a very long time and personally, I don't give a shit what she does with her life. I hope this house of horrors burns to the fucking ground.