Ally

My heartbeat vibrates through me, steady and strong. Without opening my eyes, I take stock of my body as a stiffness in my joints makes itself known. Blowing out a breath, I note the rise and fall of my chest is smooth. Lifting my hands, I rub my face they feel unused and weak.

What is wrong with me? Where am I?

Blinking my eyes open, blurriness fading away, my surroundings become crisper and stark whiteness flashes before my eyes. Damn why is it so bright? Closing my eyes again, I sit up. This time, I open my eyes slowly and attempt to take in my surroundings. All I see is a white haze, like someone has turned on a fog machine and forgotten to turn it back off. Thick fog surrounds me and I wait for the cold to creep in, but instead, a calmness washes over me – a calmness I haven’t felt for a very long time.

I blink and attempt to focus on where I am. Everywhere is white. I thought I was awake, but I mustn’t be. I look down to find I’m wearing my white summer pajamas and I try to remember the last time I wore them, it feels like it's important to remember, but I can't pinpoint it. An aroma of salt air floats in the air and distracts me from my thoughts. I close my eyes and breath in deep, intoxicating my senses. Cool water washes over my feet and I jump back before lowering my eyes. I watch as the white fog dissipates and, in its wake, whitewash and sand come into view. Flexing my toes, I feel the cool grains squish between my toes. I look up to feel the warm sun beating down on my face. The crashing sound of waves against rocks has me looking around, taking everything in. My eyebrows draw together in confusion when I wonder how I came to be on the beach. Off in the distance, a man with dark hair stands tall. His strong back is to me as he looks out over the water. He turns slightly and I notice strong tattooed arms folded across a broad chest. Without a conscious thought, or a choice, I begin to make my way towards him. Moving faster, my heart picks up speed and my breaths come in pants as a familiar feeling runs through me - home he feels like my home. I move faster but the man seems to be moving further away.

“Don't leave me!" I call out, but no matter how fast I move, I can’t reach him.

Splashes of warm water hit my cheeks, then my chest and I raise my hands to my face to stop the tears from falling.

“Please, stop," I croak out on a broken sob, but again he doesn't hear me.

The calmness I felt from earlier is gone leaving a chill in its place and I wrap my arms tight around myself in an attempt to ward off the cold. Slowing my footsteps, I watch as the man seems to disappear and the foggy white haze from only moments before seeps back in, taking over the beach. I'm left with nothing but white surrounding me once more as an echo of a whisper bounces around in the wind.

“Come back to me, baby.”

Falling to my knees, white fog billows up and around me, cocooning me and leaving me cold and alone. Sitting on my butt, I pull my knees in tight to my chest, bowing my head as gut-wrenching sobs rake through my body until I’m gasping for breath and my head begins to swirl.

I startle on feeling a warm hand rest on my shoulder, but I don’t lift my head - afraid if I do, they’ll disappear too. After a few moments of silence, a deep voice – one I know so well and miss so much more, reaches my ears and cuts off the sobs still escaping my mouth. I freeze in place as my head spins with his words.

“Shhh, Buttons, I’ve got you.”

Not wanting to believe what I’m hearing, I take in a few deep breaths. I’m worried my head is playing tricks on me and when I do look up, he’ll be gone again.

“When you’re ready, I’m here,” he whispers near my ear.

I swear the breath from his words glides down the side of my face as he wraps a strong arm around my shoulders drawing me into his side. I breathe in his familiar scent as I feel the warmth of his body seep into mine and the beat of his heart begins to vibrate the side of my face as I lay my head on his chest.

“Dad,” I whisper.

He places a kiss to the crown of my head and rests his chin there. After a few beats, I let myself relax into his hold and finally build up the courage to look into eyes. Eyes so much like mine. I let the tears fall, not wanting to wipe them away.

“Where am I?” I suck in a small breath and grip my father's shirt until my knuckles turn white, attempting to stop my hands from shaking and cementing me to the spot.

Without a word, he turns his head away from me and I follow his line of sight. The white fog slowly evaporates again, revealing a lush green field which we are sitting in. We’re surrounded by trees and off in the distance in a clearing is a child’s playground. It reminds me of the one my father used to take me to when I was little. Birds chirp around us, but otherwise the area is deserted. The whole scene sets off an ominous eerie feeling in my bones and I can’t stop the tremble as it rapidly races through me.

“I’ve got you Buttons, just watch.”

My dad’s deep voice washes over me again and I take a few deep breaths to bring myself under control. Looking around, it seems like everything is moving in slow motion until it all comes to a stop. Everything becomes still.

No movement.

No breeze.

Nothing, until a small child’s joyous laugh floats through the air and then, a cool breeze picks up, fluttering my hair around me.

“What are we waiting for?”

“Just wait,” my father says calmly, squeezing my shoulder.

After a few beats, the joyous laugh sweeps around me and sets off a current of heat running through my veins. Not knowing what to do and not wanting to let my father go, I squint through the clearing and notice a young girl smiling, laughing as she runs towards the swings tugging on her father's hand. I’m confused but something about it feels so familiar.

“Some of our best memories were when I took you to the park,” my father says wistfully.

Snapping my eyes towards my dad, I realise we’re heading towards the park.

“What’s going on?” Confusion laces my words and I watch the little girl being pushed on the swing. Squinting, I take a closer look at the man. He looks like my dad, only younger. I blink rapidly, convinced I’m seeing things, but then, it’s like a total time shift happens right in front of my eyes. The park disappears and in its place the beach materializes. I see myself on the shore, a young teen, laughing as I fall off the surfboard which lies still on the sand. My father is trying to teach me how to stand properly. My lips curve into a smile at the memory.

“Why are we here?” I whisper while watching a younger version of my father.

His head is thrown back on a deep laugh, he can’t understand how I could fall off a board while it’s stationary on the wet sand.

“I wanted you to see how happy you were.”

I nod and try to soak it all in before it disappears again.

“I’m so sorry, dad.” Guilt prickles and claws at me.

“Why are you sorry, Buttons?”

Gripping me by the chin, he turns my face to look into his. A lone tear escapes down the curve of my cheek before he thumbs it away.

“You know why?” I choke out as my bottom lip starts to tremble.

Turning my face away once more, I try not to blink as the beach disappears and flashes of me riding a bike for the first time, my first school dance and graduating high school play like a movie around us and then everything stops. No motion what so ever. Everything goes dark, but not for long. Image after image pin to invisible curved walls, creating a circle surrounding me. My eyes dart around as I try to take it all in, but what I fixate on, is my father’s proud smiling face in each image.

“It didn’t matter what I did, you were always proud of me.” I turn in a circle with my arms out at my sides. “You always showed me you loved me.”

I come to a stop in front of him, a smile tugs at my lips as I look into eyes which never failed to lift me up when I fell.

“Ally, my beautiful girl.” He rests his hands on my shoulders and I soak in his comforting touch, never wanting him to let me go. “You hold so much guilt, but you have nothing to feel guilty about. None of what happened was your fault.” I open my mouth to protest but he places a finger over my lips.

“You deserve to be happy, you deserve a life with someone who will always show you they love you.”

“But...”

“No buts, Buttons, it’s time to fight for what you want in this life, push through the hard shit so you can finally have the good you deserve.”

“You were killed because of me, dad.” I sob as pain lances through my chest and my heart squeezes so tight, I gasp for breath.

“I died protecting my daughter.”

I connect with his eyes again, my vision blurry and attempt to soak in his words. It doesn’t prevent the hurt flowing through me. Sobs cause my chest to heave as his whispered words seem to get further and further away.

“Let him in, let him be the person you fall into. trust he will catch you. You fight for your life; don’t you dare give up.”

“Don’t leave me,” I whisper. “Not again. Please. Please. Please,” I beg on broken sobs, but he doesn’t respond and before I open my eyes, I know he isn’t here anymore. The feeling of safety and warmth floats away with him and I’m left feeling cold and alone.

Opening my eyes, I look frantically around, but as I suspected, dad is no longer here. The only things which remain are the numerous images floating around me. A chill slices through me when the fog begins to seep back in, but this time it’s gray and an ominous, eerie feeling returns with it. The photos shatter like glass around me and a blood curdling scream rings out. Dropping to my knees, I feel around for anything to get me out of here, but the fog is never ending.

Gasping for breath, I attempt to fight the invisible mask pushed against my face which is stopping me from breathing. I watch in pure shock as my white pajamas turn crimson red and grip my stomach. I put pressure on my wound, but the blood is coming too fast. Ripping my shirt off, I search frantically for where the blood is coming from, but it’s no use. Laying on my back, I push the shirt onto my stomach and coolness overtakes me, starting to turn everything numb.

“I got you baby, stay with me.” Xavier’s deep gravelly voice surrounds me and I can only hope he’s telling the truth.