Ally

I watch Xavier head to the door to let the delivery guy in and take in the rise and fall of his ass as he moves. The Henley shirt, grey instead of black for a change, is molded to every perfect inch of his chest. I shake my head, I have enough shit going on without drooling over this man.

I should have known when I sent him the message earlier that it wouldn’t keep him away and he’d turn up on my doorstep. I was deluding myself by thinking it could have been so easy.

When I first heard the knocking, I thought it was my neighbor at the door. He would have been worried about the state I was in when he saw me arrive home earlier. But, when I threw the door open and found Xavier there, my first instinct was to throw myself into his arms. I didn’t know I needed him until he was there. I want to kick my own ass under the table for falling for this guy but how could I not when he’s always around. I glance at the table and smile, underneath all that hard is a really sweet guy although I wouldn’t tell him that.

“Babe!”

I snap my eyes to Xavier and see he has placed the food on the table, the delivery guy is already gone. That will teach me for getting lost in my thoughts.

“Sorry, what did you say?”

He chuckles and starts pulling food from one of the bags. “I asked what you felt like eating.” He indicates the containers and I notice, he must have ordered everything on the bloody menu.

“Holy crap, Babe. Did you order everything they had? That’s a lot of food.” Lifting my eyes, I notice the megawatt smile plastered on his face and raise an eyebrow, wondering what he’s so happy about.

“You called me...Babe.”

“I did?” I scrunch up my face, knowing I did. “Well, it’s your fault.” I sound like a five-year-old petulant child instead of a twenty-two-year-old adult but fall short of poking my tongue out.

He laughs, a deep laugh which ricochets through every nerve in my body.

“How so?”

He raises an eyebrow as he takes a seat beside me.

“You’re always around these days and keep saying it to me. I picked it up from you.” Even to my ears I sound lame.

Leaning over, he brushes his lips over mine before whispering against my mouth. “Get used to it.”

He leans back in his chair and I suck my bottom lip into my mouth, savoring the taste of mint, X and coffee. I think it’s my new favorite flavor.

“C’mon, babe, let’s eat.”

I nod and reach over to grab the honey chicken and fried rice, but Xavier grabs them first and moves them from my reach. I’m about to kick him in the leg but then he starts scooping the food onto my plate and I smile.

“Damn, the look you just gave me, I thought I would die,” he laughs.

“I thought you weren’t going to let me have any food.” I take the first mouthful and hum around the spoon.

“Never, babe. I just wanted to help because of your hand.”

I glance down at the bandage on my hand and realize, for the past twenty minutes, what happened this morning has been completely forgotten. I know he’ll want to talk about it when we finish eating and my stomach turns over at the thought.

I feel the lightest touch under my chin and he turns my face up to his before leaning forward and kissing the tip of my nose. The five o’clock shadow across the top of his lip tickles.

“Don’t stress, babe. Eat.”

I look back to my plate. My appetite has vanished but I try to eat anyway.

While cleaning up after dinner, I realise how easy it is to be around Xavier. I worry if what I have to tell him will scare him away, but I guess it’s a risk I’m willing to take. I know there are no certainties in life so I’ll just have to bite the bullet and tell him. I think I’ve stalled long enough and my time is up.

Blowing out a deep breath, I pace in front of where X is sitting on the lounge and he watches me. He doesn’t appear tense or frustrated which is a bonus, but concern swims in his eyes. I run my uninjured hand through my hair while I try to work out, how much to tell him.

“My mother is not what you’d call maternal. She never wanted me but dad did.” I run a hand nervously through my hair again. “My father died four years ago and my mother took to the bottle and let’s just say, it didn’t take long to escalate into alcoholism. I visit every Saturday to check on her and clean up the mess in the house – empty bottles, overflowing ashtrays. This morning, I was washing up and grabbed a knife by the wrong end. I cut myself.” I hold up my bandaged hand.

He nods and I don’t miss the flash of anger in his eyes before I continue.

“My mother is convinced, because she’s miserable, I should be too. She insists I have no right to be happy. This morning I let slip that I’d met someone. She said some terrible, nasty things which really hurt so, I got angry and said some bad things back to her. She shoved me against the wall and slapped me in the face.”

I blow out a deep breath while tears trickle over my cheeks, resembling the rain running down the glass of the kitchen window. The quiet from behind me becomes too much to bear, the room seems to close in around me. The eerie silence settles deep in my gut and I turn away from the window to face him.

Xavier is barely holding onto his control. He’s sitting forward with his elbows on his knees and his fingers so tightly interlocked, his knuckles are white. I think one wrong word would shatter the fragile hold he has on himself.

“Why doesn’t your mother...” The word mother is spoken with contempt as if it leaves a bad taste in his mouth. He lifts his eyes to mine and I see the current of anger running within. “...believe you should be happy?”

Tension zaps between us in the small space. I really didn’t want to give him any more information, I’m scared to death he will feel the same as my mother. But, if whatever this is we have stands a chance, he needs to know the whole story.

“S..she...” I will the dryness from my mouth so I can speak, take a deep breath and release it slowly. I wipe the tears from my face, gaze into his ocean blue eyes and tell him the truth.

“It’s my fault my father died.” I swallow past the lump in my throat as my voice cracks on the last word.

Xavier watches me for a few moments but I can’t tell what he’s thinking. Chills cause me to shake and I wrap my arms tightly around me. I wait for him to leave and flinch when he jumps up from the lounge. Fuck, the man can move fast, he wraps me in his arms. He sits back on the lounge, drawing me onto his lap. I melt into his chest.

“How is it your fault, Sweetness?” His deep whisper washes over me as he kisses my temple.

The chill this time touches me bone deep.

“When I was eighteen, I met a boy. He seemed nice enough but after a few months, I found out he was anything but.” I push from Xavier’s hold after taking in his scent and letting it cocoon me. Reluctantly, he lets me go. I can see by the look in his eyes, he’s not happy but I can’t be touched right now. With my back turned to him, I take in a few deep breaths. Turning back, I continue.

“Luke, my ex and I met just over four years ago. I was working part-time in a Newsagency in Maitland down the road from where I lived with my parents. I was living there to save money while I studied to become a Librarian. He used to come in every morning, he was a handyman in the area. I didn’t pay him much attention at first, guys weren’t on my radar at the time. I just wanted to work and get my Master’s degree. He’d flirt and I found myself flirting back.” I pause for a breath.

“So, one afternoon after my shift was done, I stopped at the local shops for a few things and ran into him. One thing led to another and a week later I agreed to go on a date with him. It was good and we started seeing each other whenever we were free. He knew I was busy and didn’t push or demand my time. Then, one night he seemed weird from the time he picked me up. I thought he must have had a bad day at work, he was more agitated than I’d ever seen him. He accused me of cheating on him.”

Time for another deep breath.

“I honestly didn’t recognise him, his eyes were dark and wild. Looking back, I knew something was off but instead of listening to my gut, I tried to calm him down. After I reassured him I hadn’t cheated on him, he seemed to settle. We were at his place and had just finished dinner when a friend, Steven, from my class started messaging me about an assignment which was due in that week. It set Luke off again. He dragged me by the hair to his bedroom.”

I hiccup and try to calm my racing heart, I’ve been pacing back and forth while I was speaking. When I stop, Xavier is on the edge of his seat, fingers white from gripping the edge of the cushion. He nods for me to keep going.

“He threw me onto the bed. He’d always been a little on the rough side but I hadn’t minded it. This time it was different. The walls seemed to close in on me, I was terrified. I begged him not to do what I knew he was about to, but my pleas fell on deaf ears. A split second later, my clothes were gone and he was inside me.” I close my eyes and visions of his wild eyes looking back at me fill my mind. It’s as if it’s happening all over again. “I gave up,” I whisper. “I stopped fighting him and that angered him more. He said he knew I liked it rough and that he was just getting started. I didn’t know what he meant until I felt a burning pain slide down my leg and I screamed out in pain.”

I scrub the tears from my face and turn away from X. I can’t look at his gorgeous face while I speak such ugly words.

“When I looked down I saw he had slashed my thigh with the pocket knife he always carried. My cries of pain seemed to urge him on, it was like he couldn’t get enough of my agony. He would stick his fingers in the wound until I screamed and then run his bloodied fingers over my body. After he’d finished with me and he passed out, I called my dad to come and get me the hell out of there. I’ll never forget the look on dad’s face when he saw me. It took everything I had to stop him from killing Luke and when he regained control, he took me to the hospital. I had never seen him cry before, but something broke in him that night and it also broke me.”

My chest heaves on a sob as I replay the horror in my head.

“My father stayed with me while I was being checked at the hospital and speaking with the police. He held onto me and listened to every detail about what had happened. Luke was charged and I thought that was the end of it. Two months later I was proven wrong. What he’d done to me that night was nothing compared to what happened next. He showed up at my parent’s home. When I opened the door, I saw the glint of madness in his eyes. Seconds later, pain exploded in my stomach and when I looked down, a knife protruded from me. I remember stumbling backwards, tripping on the hallway rug and hitting the ground hard. I heard my father yelling then, nothing. I woke up in hospital a week later, the room was empty. Later, a doctor said I’d had a close call and it would take months for me to heal properly. When I asked about my dad, the expression on his face changed to one of sadness. He explained, my dad hadn’t made it.”

I feel like I’ve just run a marathon and sit on the lounge to get my emotions back in check. I wait for the questions X is bound to have, but again the room is silent except for his heavy breathing. Oddly enough, his breathing has a calming effect on me as my fingers twist in a hole in my pajamas.

Energy from X fills the room and has my stomach twisting in knots. I feel the fear, like lead, sit heavy in my belly at the thought he will stand and walk out of the apartment. I wouldn’t blame him, I’m a lot to take on. I feel like a hot mess most of the time and I’m just fighting to get through day by day. But, something about this man has me hoping he could be my compass and lead me from the nightmares that haunt me.

I study X closely and swear every word I have just spoken, shows on his features. From the way his eyes track every move I make to the way his muscles flex and relax as he fights for control. I know he’s angry, it surges off him in waves. I don’t think it’s me he’s pissed with, but the events of my past. I want to crawl into his lap and never leave, the feelings he evokes consume every cell in me. I’m broken from my thoughts when his voice washes over me.

“Never again. You’re mine now.”

A gasp slips from my lips when I hear the truth in his voice.