Sawyer stayed with me for three days, and I texted with Allie and Tyler during that time. Allie seems okay, but the real test will be how she acts in person. As for Tyler, he’s on his way here now to talk. Allie didn’t seem fazed when I told her we were getting together to talk, but after how upset she was when Ty came to the bar, I’m sure it bothers her more than she lets on.

The doorbell rings, and I open the door and allow Tyler to enter. Fat Bastard hisses at him like he normally does. I scoop him up and put him in my room because he won’t stop acting up while Tyler is here. It took him almost a full day to leave Sawyer alone. He’s a crazy cat, but that’s partially why I love him.

“Can I get you some coffee or water or something?”

Tyler looks at me appreciatively. “How about a hug?”

I open my arms, and he clutches me tightly. “Hey, what’s the matter?”

He looks up at me and drops his lips to mine, but I pull back immediately. “No, we’re supposed to talk.”

Tyler moves to the sofa. “It’s serious with her, isn’t it? With Allie?”

“Is that why you came into the bar? To figure out if it was someone there?”

At least he has the decency to look remorseful. “You can’t blame me, can you? It’s different this time. Even when we’re off, we still talk all the time. You barely talk to me anymore.”

So many feelings are welling up inside me. For years, I thought it would be me and Tyler in the end. The pain in his eyes is killing me. “I’m sorry, Tyler. I care about you both. It’s different with her, but it’s still new. I’m not sure exactly what it means.”

Tyler laces his fingers through mine. “J, I have loved you for ten years. I’ve loved you through nightmares and loss and some damn good times. As soon as I mention family or holidays, you push me away for my own good. I understand your train of thought. You want me to find a nice girl to take home to my parents so they don’t disown me since, in their eyes, anything other than straight is wrong.”

“You can’t blame me for wanting that for you, Tyler. For wanting you to have the love of your family.”

He brings my hand to his mouth and kisses it. “And I can’t help who I love. I’ve realized something the past couple of years though. I love women. I appreciate their sexiness, their appeal, and even having sex with them at times. But I haven’t taken a woman home in at least three years, Jordan. I don’t think I’m ever going to find a woman to introduce to my parents because I just prefer men.”

“I didn’t realize—”

“We haven’t talked in a long time, Jordan. Not real talk. I’m always walking a fine balance with you. If I push too hard, you’re going to push me away, and it kills me when you push me away. So I disappear for a few months, lick my wounds, and try again. That’s love, Jordan. You’re it for me. You’ve always been it for me.”

We sit in silence for a little bit and hold hands. “What about your family? Are you going to come out?”

Our eyes meet, and he brings my hand to his mouth and presses his lips to it. “For you, in a heartbeat. I’ve been telling you for a long time, but you’re too stubborn to hear it. You are the most important thing in my life. If my family can’t accept me and love me, they don’t deserve me. Hopefully, whoever I end up with will have a family who will love me like one of their own.”

My family would love Tyler like that. I feel like such an ass. I always thought I was doing him a favor by pushing him away. I never imagined he wouldn’t be looking for a woman to take home. And now there’s Allie. God help me, I’m more confused than ever.

“Tyler, I need some time to think and figure this out. I know I’ve asked a lot of you, and I understand if you can’t give me this, but I promise, one way or the other, it will be the last time.”

Tyler stands, and I follow his lead. He steps into me and cups my cheeks. His caramel eyes lock on my lips, and when he dips his head and his mouth meets mine, I don’t stop him. I part my lips for him and lose myself in the love I feel seeping into me from his kiss. There is no doubt in my mind Tyler loves me with every ounce of his being. We break apart, and he kisses my cheek.

“Take whatever time you need, Jordan. I’ll be here. I’m sorry about the kiss, but if you choose her, I needed one last goodbye.”

After he leaves, I collapse on the couch with two thoughts running through my mind. First, I have to tell Allie we kissed. Second, I hope she’ll forgive me.

I pick up the phone and call her.

“Hey, J. Tyler leave already?” The apprehension in her voice proves I was right and she was worried about him coming over.

“Yes, he just left.”

“It’s okay, Jordan. I always knew this could be the outcome.”

She has no idea how much she means to me. “Allie, I haven’t made any decisions yet, but he kissed me.”

“Oh.” Her laughter meets my ears. “Is that all?”

“Why are you laughing? Isn’t that enough?” I thought she’d be livid. I would’ve been pissed if her ex showed up and kissed her.

“I know you’re a man of your word, so please don’t take this the wrong way. I thought for sure once he came over, and if things worked out, you’d fall into bed together. Right now, a kiss doesn’t seem so bad considering the thoughts that were already in my head.”

I lie on the couch and stretch out. “The only person I want to fall into bed with is you. I miss you in my bed.”

She sighs. “I miss being in your bed. Can you tell me where your head is right now?”

“Not really. I’ve got a lot to consider, but I think I’ll have it sorted within the next few weeks. Can you give me a little bit longer?”

“The end of the summer, Jordan. If you’re still in limbo by then, I’m going to have to remove myself from the situation.”

“I can do that. I’ll have my shit together in seven weeks or less. Now, can you please come over here and sit on my face? I really miss the taste of you on my tongue.”

I bet she’s blushing, and I wish she were here so I could see it.

“Well, since you asked me so nicely, I’ll be there in thirty.”

It’s been three weeks since my talk with Tyler, and Allie and I are curled up in my bed. She’s asleep, and I’ve been debating whether to wake her up or not to tell her what I’m going to do. My phone rings in the middle of the night, and Mom’s face flashes on the screen. My heart races, but she’s probably calling to tell me my new nephew is on his way.

“Hi, Mom.” I’m instantly met with her sobs. “Mom, hey, what’s wrong?”

“Jordan, honey, there was an accident on your brother’s tour tonight. It’s bad. We have to fly to Utah. We’re picking you up on the way to the airport.”

“Mom, what happened?” I’m already out of bed and throwing random shit in a bag. “Are they okay?”

She’s crying hysterically, and soon, Dad is on the phone. “Jordan, it’s Noah and Mel and the baby. We don’t know much, but they’re critical. We’re almost there, son. Ten minutes.”

“Jordan, baby, talk to me.” Allie wipes tears from my face, and I clutch her close.

“It’s Noah, Mel, and the baby. Something about an accident. We’re flying out. Oh God, Allie, I can’t lose any more family.”

“Shh, it’s okay. Do you want me to come with you? I can catch the next flight out.”

“Can you and Sasha take care of the bar? And FB, please. Don’t leave him alone, Allie.”

She looks crushed, but there’s nothing I can do about it now. Headlights flash in my drive, and I pull away from her and throw on some clothes.

“We’ll take care of everything, Jordan. Just keep in touch and take care of yourself.” She stretches on her tiptoes and quickly kisses me goodbye with tears in her eyes.

The ride to the airport is incredibly raw and painful. The updates are slow coming, but we know there were two fatalities on the scene. I’ve already received a text from Sasha, and I’ve texted Tyler so he doesn’t think I’m blowing him off again.

When we reach the chartered jet, my entire family is a sobbing mess. Rory latches on to me as soon as she sees me. Noah and Rory are the best of friends. “Jordan, please tell me he’s going to be okay,” she sobs, and I hug her as close to me as possible.

“He’s Noah, Rory. He has to be okay.”

I haven’t spent much time with my brother lately, but he’s the best person I know. Finding Mel was a Godsend for him. Noah’s been waiting for the perfect girl his whole life. His belief in fate is stronger than anything, and I refuse to accept for one minute he won’t pull through this.

“You’re right. Noah is nothing if not a fighter.”

“Has anyone talked to Sawyer?” I ask as we board the plane.

Rob, my brother-in-law, shakes his head. “Mac said at Noah’s insistence Sawyer flew on the chopper with Mel to the hospital while they stabilized Noah. She’s in labor.”

I drop into my seat and fight back the urge to vomit. At least Noah is talking—that’s good news. The flight to Utah is about an hour and a half, and once we’re level in the sky and the seatbelt light is off, my parents move to sit with Veronica, Belle’s mom.

“Oh no,” Rory whispers and grips my arm as Veronica releases a guttural cry.

“No, not my Belle. Not my baby girl.”

Veronica falls to the floor, and Mom follows her down and wraps her in her arms. There isn’t a dry eye amongst us. My heart shatters as I think about Darren losing the woman he loves.

I turn toward Rob and Diane. “What about Cadence?” Cadence is Darren and Belle’s new baby girl.

Diane takes off her seatbelt and crouches in front of me and Rory. “Only the people on Bus One were affected.”

“Sawyer,” I gasp.

She shakes her head. “Not on his bus tonight. I don’t know why. Noah, Mel, Belle, and their driver Harold. Belle and Harold didn’t make it. Everyone else is safe.”

Safe, not okay, because none of them will ever be okay after this.

“Jordan, do you have your medication with you?” Diane’s motherly tone surprises me. I must look as bad as I feel. Diane is twelve years older than us, and she’s also a therapist.

“Yeah, I brought it.”

“Okay, I just wanted to be sure. Rory, what about Eli? Someone needs to tell him about Mel.”

Mel and Eli Watts are the best of friends, along with Belle. From what I understand, it was the three of them against the world for a long time. Mel and Eli dated for a couple of years when they were teenagers, but they eventually mended fences and became friends again.

“Already done. He’s ditching his tour and meeting us at the hospital. He’s taking it really badly, and I’m not sure he even knows about Belle.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Dad trying to help Mom and Veronica up, and I excuse myself to go help him. We manage to get them into two open seats next to each other, and they hold on to one another and cry.

Dad is as lost as I am and pulls me into his arms. “I love you, Jordan.”

Oh man. My tears before were nothing compared to the waterfall they are now. Just hearing his broken voice destroys me. “I love you too, Dad. They’re going to be okay. They’re all going to be okay.”

“Yes, they will be, but I’m worried about Sawyer. He was the first one onto the bus. He fought his way in. He’s the one who found both of them.”

The plane begins to spin under my feet, and Dad holds me tighter. “Jordan, are you okay?” His words are muffled as spots dance in front of my eyes. “Come on, son, let’s get you to your seat.”

Diane is already digging through my bag looking for my pills and quickly hands me one with a bottle of water. “Take it, J. In fact, take two.”

After popping them into my mouth, I lean my head back and pray for the world to stop spinning. “This can’t be happening. Sawyer can’t go through this again. He barely survived it the first time.”

“Sawyer is the toughest person in our family. He will be okay.” Diane kisses my head and goes back to her seat.

Rory holds my hand the rest of the trip. She’s being incredibly brave and hardly makes a peep as she cries. Veronica’s sobs fill the entire cabin, and there’s nothing any of us can do to ease her pain.

We spent four days at the hospital and flew home earlier this afternoon. I’m locked away in my bedroom at the beach house with a picture of Noah and me in my hands and an endless stream of tears running down my cheeks.

Never did I imagine Fourth of July would be the last time I saw my brother filled with life and love. The last time I hugged him and joked with him. We talked about his excitement about becoming a father and my excitement about being an uncle for the third time.

I spent the entire four days at the hospital in a state of shock filled with a continuous diet of anti-anxiety medication and little to no food. The hospital was flooded with fans as broken as we were who sat vigil outside until Mel and baby Nate were released to come home.

Inside the hospital was a different story. Everyone in our lives was broken beyond repair. I wanted to comfort my family, but I was lost in my head. Allie, Tyler, and Sasha texted constantly, but I don’t remember if I replied. I vaguely recall talking to Sasha for a few minutes so she would know what was going on, but it’s not like she hadn’t heard it on the news.

At first, I thought maybe I would be okay, but the feeling fled as soon as I watched Sawyer shatter in front of my eyes. My parents forced me to go in and say goodbye to Noah. I know one day I’ll be thankful they did, but it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Even in his grief, Sawyer has been taking care of everything and everyone. And he doesn’t let Noah’s son out of his arms unless he has to. I wish I could help him, but I don’t even know where to begin.

My phone dings and I open it to a photo of Allie and FB along with a text message.

Allie: Just wanted to let you know FB is being well-loved while you’re away. I’m so sorry for your loss, Jordan, and I won’t keep bothering you—just know I’m here anytime and I’m keeping you and your family in my heart.

There’s a light knock on my door before Sawyer pops his head in. “You’re still awake?”

I sit up and turn on the light. “Yeah. Sleep won’t be my friend for a long time.”

He sits next to me with the baby in his arms. “I’m with you there. Do you think you could do me a favor? Everyone is asleep. At least, I think they are, and I haven’t showered in days. Can you hold Nate while I clean up? I just can’t leave him alone … not even for a second, in case …” Sawyer sobs, and my heart aches even more.

“I’ll take him. You can even shower in here if you want to be closer. Does he need a bottle or a diaper or anything?”

Sawyer shakes his head sadly and passes me the baby. “He just needs his dad and love. We can’t give him Noah, but we can give him love. I’ll be back in a little bit.”

Sawyer hands Nate to me, and I scoot up to the top of my bed, propping myself against the headboard. Tears fall from my eyes as I look down at him, but a rush of relief floods through me. Part of Noah is still with us, and this little boy is going to be cherished by this family for the rest of his life.

It suddenly hits me that this must be the same kind of relief Mom felt when she found out I had survived the shooting. While I was recovering, I often heard her thanking God that she still had a piece of Carol—my mom—with her.

For so many years, I’ve fought to keep people away, to maintain a safe distance and not let anyone in my heart, but as I sit here staring down at little Nate, I have to wonder if I’ve been doing it all wrong. Life is fleeting, and people are ripped away in an instant whether we let them in or not. If Nate hadn’t been conceived, we wouldn’t have a piece of Noah with us anymore.

Maybe it’s the medicine, or maybe it’s an awakening of my own making, but it’s time for things to change in my life.

“Hey, little guy, I’m Uncle Jordan. You’re going to be seeing a lot of me so you better get used to me. Your daddy was one of the people I love most in the whole world. I don’t think I told him enough, but I hope he knew.”

“He knew, J. We all do,” Sawyer says, coming back into the room. “Why don’t you set him down for a minute? I could really use a hug.”

Carefully, I lay Nate down, and Sawyer wraps his arms around me.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t more help for you at the hospital, Sawyer. It was just …”

We’re both sobbing and holding on to each other. “It’s okay, J. I don’t think I would have been receptive to it anyway. I was thrown into the past and the present at the same time. It’s going to take a long time to process this and figure out how to move forward. Life without Noah wouldn’t be worth living if not for Nate.”

Sawyer’s words resonate deep within me. “My life wouldn’t be the same without you. Please remember I need you too, Sawyer. One of your brothers is still here. I may not be your twin, but I’m what you’ve got.”

“Fuck, J, I didn’t mean it like that. I’d feel the same way if anything happened to you. The three of us have always been unbreakable, but now we’re missing a piece. It’s beyond messed up.”

Nate begins to fuss, and Sawyer picks him up. He opens his eyes and blinks up at us.

“Maybe Nate can help keep a piece of him with us now.”

Sawyer nods his agreement. “There is nothing I won’t do for this little guy or his mom.”

“Me either. How is she doing? Is there something I can do to help?”

“Just stick around, J. It’s going to be all hands on deck for a while. Mel has a lot of recovering to do and a lot of loss to process.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”