No alcohol. No shellfish. No soft-boiled eggs. Alright, I could do that. No raw meat or unpasteurized fish… that was fine too—I didn’t even eat any of that stuff, anyway. Limited caffeine from coffee, tea and chocolate. So basically, decaf for the next nine months. Limited cured meats and low mercury fish only.

Vitamins, doctor’s appointments, a healthy exercise and diet plan. So many rules. How did women do it before they knew all this stuff? Infant mortality was probably a lot higher back then, but mama got to enjoy a glass of Pinot Noir after dinner. That was horrible. This was no time for jokes.

Naturally, the first place I had gone after finding out I was pregnant was Google to figure out what to do with that information. The more I thought about it, the more I felt like I should have known. I was pregnant for fuck’s sake; you think you’d notice something like that.

I had just thought it was my period. The symptoms, in my defense, are actually quite similar. The nausea had been a dead giveaway, though. It had been bound to happen. I had told him not to wrap it up. He would have if I’d asked him. He even offered, but nope. My irresponsibility and his virility came together, and this happened.

Whatever. What was done was done. There were no backsies with this. I was lucky there was work the next day because I got a chance to spend the day thinking about something besides the accidental conception—if you can call willful ignorance of contraception accidental. I hadn’t wanted there to be anything between us. Maybe our physical closeness would allow him to open up to me. It had made sense in my mind at the time, but obviously, I should have hopped on some BCP or something sooner. Shoved a diaphragm up there. Anything.

Since it was too late, however, I had to start thinking forward, not backward. A trip to an obstetrician was a good idea. Finding out my various restrictions was another. Telling the dad seemed like a good idea, but the dad was Levi, and the thought of telling him was almost laughable. It was the worst thing I could possibly do.

I wasn’t stupid. Or maybe I was, depending on which way you looked at it.

I wasn’t going to just tell him. I had hardly finished telling myself. This wasn’t something I could just tell him even if I wanted to. I could see it. Me telling him and him losing his mind. Screaming, ugly words, accusations, pointed fingers. Nothing good. In none of these thoughts did Levi just hug me and say it was alright and we’d figure it out.

There was no way he wanted this. I’d just break up with him, move and never contact him again. I’d have the child and tell them like my mother told me; they didn’t have a dad. I’d appoint a male role model to act as father figure and boom. Problem solved.

I had grown up without a father, and I’d turned out fine. Better than fine. I wasn’t a drunk or dead somewhere. I had gotten through my teens without getting pregnant. I had never felt angry at my mother for not letting me meet my father; I got whatever I lacked from his absence in other people. My uncles, grandfather, the men who worked with Mom when I’d hang out backstage as she performed, male teachers… I had many dads, sort of. It was fine.

Maybe by the time the end of the week came, I’d have changed my mind. Maybe I’d see him face to face and feel open enough to say something. Till then, I wasn’t saying anything. I’d worry about him later because shockingly, he was the least of my worries or the least pressing of my various pressing concerns. I was pregnant. There was so much shit I couldn’t do anymore.

One thing I didn’t even know I could no longer do was to clean out my cats’ litter boxes. This was a problem because I had not one, but two cats. It was an even bigger problem because they were Sphynxes; basically, hairless poop machines. Their metabolisms were so high from trying to keep themselves warm they literally pooped all the time.

Who the hell could I ask for help? This felt like such a steep request. It felt like something people would be a little offended by if you asked them to do it. Maybe I’d offer to pay them. There had to be a kid in my building who would take my money to do this for me. I’d have to ring some doorbells.

Another one of my worries was his sister. Celeste and I had been talking, and she had decided that in addition to the wedding invitations, I would pen the messages that they gave to the guests as part of their wedding favors. She didn’t have a completed guest list yet, but I didn’t need that to give her a sample, letting her know what they’d eventually look like.

I had offered to scan the samples and send her the images over email, but she was flying out to London from Oakland International anyway, so she said she would come by Wednesday evening and see it in person.

She wanted the invitations to sort of match the vibe of the wedding. Casual, intimate, beachy. I had gone with colored ink on eggshell colored paper. Straight-edged. She came over just after six on Wednesday. I gave her the samples and let her look at the other papers and ink options she could have.

“This is gorgeous, Audra,” she said looking at the invitation sample. “But I can’t really make a decision without Katherine.”

“That’s fine. You can take the sample and the different paper and just email me with your final decision, along with the guest list.”

“Thanks. I think she’ll love this. You’re coming by the way, to the wedding? This is your official invitation,” she grinned.

“Really? I’d love to come, but what about your fiancée?”

“She won’t mind. Besides, Levi would just bring you along as his date whether I invited you or not,” she said, laughing when I didn’t say anything. “I take your silence as a yes. So, you and Levi, huh?” she asked slyly.

“Well, I don’t know what he’s told you, but we’re trying this long-distance thing,” I said shrugging, looking away from her because I was blushing.

“He doesn’t need my blessing with the women he dates, but you are definitely my favorite. Let’s hope he doesn’t fuck this up,” she said. Oh, if only she knew I was the one about to fuck up and not her brother. I kept my mouth shut about that and asked about the wedding instead, her plans, the dress, or dresses in her and Katherine’s case. Hecate had jumped up into her lap, and we bonded over our shared love of hairless cats, one cat lady to another.

I saw my in. If she had hairless cats, then she knew the struggle.

“Celeste… can I ask you to do something for me?”

“Sure. What is it?” I took a deep breath. Worst-case scenario she said no, and I would pass it off like I was kidding.

“I hope you don’t take this the wrong way. I’m only asking this of you because I feel like we’re friends.”

“Oh my God, Audra, what is it? Spit it out.”

“I just need a little help with my cats’ litter boxes. I would never ask you to do this unless there was a reason I couldn’t do it myself,” I blurted out in one breath.

“What? Slow down; I can’t understand you,” Celeste said.

“I just need a little help. I have a neighbor who helps me out, but they aren’t in tonight. I just need a little help replacing the litter.”

“Your cat litter? Audra. It’s fine. Of course, I’ll help you. It’s not a big deal. I know how Sphynxes are.” She stood and asked me where I kept my litter and where the boxes were. Fuck, if she was going to take it so well, why had I been shitting bricks?

“Thank you so much. It’s just that I can’t really-” I cut myself off before I finished that statement.

“You can’t what? I have a couple of these little monsters too. I got off litter duty a little while when I came here. Katherine’s pregnant, so she can’t do it herself anymore…”

I held my breath because it was literally a matter of time. She would catch on in five, four, three…

“Audra?” Celeste said turning and facing me.

“Hm?”

“Why do you need help changing your cat litter?” she asked, taking a few steps towards me. She looked pointedly at my stomach then at my face.

“I can explain,” I said.

“Is it Lee’s?”

I swallowed, nodding. Celeste closed the distance between us and I felt her arms around me. Tears—instantly. Like turning a faucet on.

“He doesn’t know?” I heard her ask. I didn’t answer, but she must have construed the tears as a yes. She released me so she could look at me. “I have to tell him. You know that, right?”

“You can’t. Please don’t,” I said.

“I consider you a friend, but Levi is my brother. I’m not going to keep this from him. I can’t.”

“I’m going to tell him. I just… I’m so scared, Celeste. I don’t know how he’ll react. We just started dating. There’s no way he wants this.”

“You won’t know until you tell him. He has a right to know.”

“I know, I know. Just give me a little time to find out how to tell him.”

“How much time? The longer you wait, the longer the lie goes on.” I was going to try to say something but stopped because she wasn’t wrong. I was lying to him. It was a lie by omission, and it was about something that needed to be discussed urgently by both of us.

“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “I just found out a couple of days ago. He said he’d be here this weekend.”

“You mean in a couple of days?” she asked, looking at me like she knew I’d chicken out. She was totally right. I had thought about what I’d say, but the actual words were eluding me. The fear was paralyzing me. The uncertainty at his reaction was making me nervous to just say it.

“I feel like, if I tell him, he’ll hate me or something. I don’t know what to do. This wasn’t supposed to happen, and I feel like…”

“You feel like what?” she urged.

“I feel like he might make me get rid of it,” I admitted.

“Audra… Levi… he’s not traditional, and he’s not a lot of things, but he would never ask you to do something like that.”

“How can you be so sure? Our relationship didn’t start the way most relationships start. He lives in New York. He doesn’t want this, and I think once he finds out he won’t want me anymore either.”

“He won’t do that,” she said resolutely.

“If he does… I’d really like to keep being your friend.”

“He’s not going to do anything like that. Audra, since he met you, he’s been like a different person. He cares about you, so much. He called me before your date last weekend because he was nervous. You need to give him a chance to show you how he feels.”

“What if he asks me to get rid of it?”

“Then I’ll kick his ass.”

I smiled. Celeste squeezed me in a tight hug again.

“Still early days? How far along?”

“Just a few weeks. I haven’t been to the hospital or anything. I started feeling a few symptoms, but I just thought it was my period coming.”

“Oh my god, how could I be so rude? Congratulations,” she said, smiling. “I’m gonna be an aunt!”

“Let’s hope Levi is half as excited as you are,” I said.

“I didn’t even ask. Are you excited?”

“I am. I didn’t think I’d end up having children, but we’re here now. And with Levi.”

“You’re really into him, huh?”

“He’s okay, I guess,” I said. She laughed. She didn’t stay long after she had helped clean the litter boxes out; she had a flight to catch.

That was acceptance and approval from one member of his family. I’d take it for what it was worth. I liked Celeste, but I still had my reservations about what would happen with Levi. Maybe by the time the weekend came, I’d have nutted up enough to just do it.

Thursday night I was so tired—but I couldn’t sleep. I was worn out, but I was anxious. The two warred against each other in my body, leaving me restless and unable to settle. I tried to go to bed early, having a bath before to try to relax. I hit the sheets before ten but hadn’t managed to get to sleep an hour later, close to eleven.

Times like this were dangerous. The darker the night got, the further your thoughts could wander, the worse your decision making got. The more texting Levi that I was pregnant became an idea that wasn’t totally horrible.

I could text him and turn my phone off until morning or whenever I was ready to talk to him again. No, this wasn’t something you said over the phone. I took it out anyway, though. I sat up and typed a text message out.

I took a test on Monday. I’m pregnant.

I deleted it immediately.

Are you asleep? I want to talk I typed instead.

That was a little better. I miss you I tacked onto the end because it was true. I hit send, and ten minutes later my phone vibrated with a phone call. It was him.

“Hello?”

“Sweetheart, what time is it over there?”

“About eleven.”

“What’s wrong? I wanted to call you when it was morning.”

“Sorry, did I wake you? I just wanted… I just wanted to hear your voice. I miss you. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow,” I said, telling a lie, but not really lying at the same time. I was going to say it, I was, but when I heard his voice, and how happy he seemed to be talking to me, I didn’t want to lose that by dropping a bomb on him.

“You didn’t wake me. I miss you. I wanted to talk to you tomorrow about something that came up this weekend.”

“What something? Something bad?”

“Awful. I can’t come to the Bay this weekend. I have to travel for work.”

Relief. I felt relief and then disappointment, right on its heels.

“Oh… where are you going?”

“Hong Kong.” I frowned.

“So I have to wait another week to see you?”

“Just one. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” I said.

“No, it isn’t. I want this to work. Next week I’m seeing you, no excuses.”

“That’ll be two weeks of no sex. I hope you know I won’t get off your dick the entire two days,” I taunted.

“Mm. I can’t wait. Make that three days. Take off work and fly over here.”

“Take off work? I can’t do that.”

“Yes, you can. You’re in that place every day. I’ll arrange everything. Spend the weekend with me in New York. We can go look at art, go to Brooklyn, spend the entire time fucking, whatever you want.”

“Sounds tempting,” I said.

“Then say yes.”

“Can I tell you tomorrow?”

“Tell your boss you have to go see your mother or something. Tell him your grandmother died.”

“I’m not going to kill my grandmother,” I laughed. “I’ll tell him something and tell you tomorrow whether I can come.”

We stayed on the phone a while longer before I started dozing off. I wasn’t seeing him until next week. That was time. I had time now to figure out how I was going to tell him. One and a half weeks.

That was as long as I’d keep up this lie.