“It’s magnificent.”
Azrael’s voice mingled with the sound of the waves. The smell of seawater in the breeze carried the strong scent of salt and something richer that he thought might be seaweed. The day had been bright and hot, with the humidity so high their clothes had stuck to them. Now, the air was comfortable, and they had decided to brave the beach.
“It’s something, alright,” Tobias called back over the waves, not minding when Azrael didn’t reply. He couldn’t blame him for being caught up in the panorama laid out before them. It really was beautiful. The warm air was lit with the bright colors of the setting sun, casting a near-crimson gleam across the surface of the constantly shifting water. There were just enough faint clouds drifting overhead to take on the cast of colors from the sunset, and Tobias didn’t think they could have chosen a better time to come down to the beach.
He supposed they would have been better off spending this time finding a place to hide out and deciding what they should do with themselves next. They were technically on the run from Heaven itself; yet Tobias couldn’t bring himself to stay in one place. Originally, they had kept to motels in far-off places, right up until Azrael suggested that it might be easier to become lost in more populated areas. That should have prompted them to move toward a metropolitan city, but then, they had stayed a night at a motel bordering a swamp.
That little stop resulted in Tobias having to frantically pull Azrael out of the stale waters, explaining to the goof that he was mortal and that the things living in swamps didn’t really care if he had once been an angel. Apparently, the former angel only dimly recalled the dangers of the world, and while the description of venomous snakes didn’t do the trick, the description of alligators most certainly did. Tobias had been sure the man was remembering his run-in with a rather aggressive mountain lion not that long ago.
Yet, something good had come out of that incident. Azrael’s fascination with a part of the world he hadn’t seen before prompted a change in direction for them. Rather than heading to a densely-packed city, they continued their journey south. If Azrael was so enamored by the sight of a dirty swamp, Tobias was sure that a few other sights he’d never seen through human eyes would be even more impressive.
As a result they found themselves in the fading sunlight on this warm, tropical beach. Tobias wasn’t all that fond of the salty water and was sitting on a towel on the sand. Azrael had sprinted full tilt into the surf without a moment’s hesitation. Tobias had laughed at the sheer childlike glee that Azrael showed, letting the water lap first over his ankles, and then his knees, as he waded in deeper. Sitting a healthy distance away from the water’s edge, Tobias admired the man’s shirtless body, framed by the fading light of the sun.
Azrael turned, that sparkling look of wonder in his eyes. “It is much warmer than the waters near your cabin.”
Tobias chuckled. “Probably because it doesn’t come from snow. That, and it never really freezes around here.”
“I want to swim in it.”
Azrael gave a wistful sigh, probably remembering that Tobias had already warned him about swimming in the ocean at sunset or at night. Tobias didn’t have much experience with the ocean, but he knew that swimming at those times wasn’t a good idea. The explanation about shark attacks had been enough to deter Azrael from trying, thankfully. His previous encounter with a predator was enough to last him quite a while.
“We can come back tomorrow and go swimming, if you want,” Tobias called out, wanting to pat the sand next to him and lure Azrael closer, but not willing to interrupt the man’s obvious joy. He was a little nervous about Azrael being even that far out, but it was hard to argue with the look of joyful wonder on his face.
Azrael closed his eyes, rocking with the occasional push of the waves at his back. He looked so peaceful that Tobias could feel it practically radiating off him. God help him, he was falling for an angel and there wasn’t anything that could stop it.
The water receded, lowering almost to Azrael’s ankles. Tobias blinked, sitting up straighter. “Uh, Az, you might wanna come up here real quick.”
“Why?”
A wave came up behind Azrael, catching him with sudden force and sending him sprawling under the water's surface. The wave carried the flailing man and deposited him further up the shore. Tobias was up and moving toward the sputtering Azrael as he pushed himself upright, spitting out a mouthful of the ocean and grimacing at the taste.
“You alright?” Tobias asked, trying to contain his laughter as he checked Azrael over.
“What happened?”
“The ocean happened. It does what it wants sometimes and has a tendency to surprise people who aren’t paying attention. Why do you think I don’t like it?”
Azrael huffed. “It was so calm.”
“It does that too. Come on up onto the towel with me, Az. Bit safer there.”
“You are laughing at me.”
“Not yet,” Tobias chuckled, helping Azrael to his feet and leading him back to the towel. “But I did try to warn you, you know.”
Azrael only sighed and seated himself on one side of the towel. Tobias, still chuckling to himself, brought out the other towel from their bag and wrapped it around Azrael’s shoulders. Azrael drew it around himself tighter as Tobias sat beside him and followed his gaze out to the ocean.
“Everything beautiful here seems to have some sort of danger or pitfall attached to it.”
Tobias thought about it. “I mean, unless you have allergies, flowers are generally pretty safe. Then again, I’m sure there’s plenty of dangerous flowers out there, too. Definitely some plants you don’t want to touch or eat, so if you count them, you’re right. Did that scare you?”
Azrael shrugged lightly, having begun to pick up more casual habits from Tobias. “In a way, I suppose it did. I am not accustomed to fearing for my existence, so both fear and caution are new to me. I do find myself wary of going back into the water, after that. Now, I can only think about what harm a larger wave could cause, or that the currents you warned me about could claim me if I am not cautious. Then, there is the myriad of dangerous wildlife you spoke of before. And that is only what I can imagine from the things you have told me. Humans must know so much more about potential dangers, yet they gladly expose themselves—even their children—to them. How do you do it?”
It was time for another existential crisis. “I guess that’s just how we are. I mean, you’re talking about the same race that willingly fights huge wars that can cost millions of lives. We’re not always the best at thinking about consequences; or maybe we’re just good at ignoring them when we’re so focused on what we want. It’s probably what got us to where we are now, in both good and bad ways.”
“So, you simply forge ahead, without thought to the consequences, just because the goal is attractive?”
Tobias fought the urge to glance around as he edged closer to Azrael and slipped his arm around the man’s waist. Even with the cool water still clinging to his skin, his body was warm. A smile curled his lips as he felt Azrael unconsciously press back against him, allowing Tobias to pull his arm tighter around him. It wasn’t hard to see that the man had once been an angel, at least if this was a close approximation to his angelic shape. The tapered waist was a nice compliment to the broad shoulders and strong back.
“And what would you call what we’re doing? I mean, we’re willingly taking on pissing off God Himself, if He should happen to hear about all of this. All because we want what we want, and damn the consequences.”
Azrael turned his head enough to see Tobias from the corner of his eyes. “Is it the same thing? What we do, we do for love.”
“And a bit of lust,” Tobias amended, squeezing his fingers round Azrael’s hip to make his point. The point was well made, if the shift of Azrael’s muscles and the glint in his eyes was any indication. It amused Tobias now to think that this had once been a pure being, forged at the beginning of time, and he had lost his virginity and whatever purity he’d had to a lonely hermit of a human. That fact amused him, and no small amount of arousal went with it.
“So, for desire then?”
Tobias chuckled, nuzzling his face into Azrael’s neck and kissing it. “Love works. It’s what made our decision for us, isn’t it? But desire works, too. You might have your history as an angel to work from, but you’re going to learn a bunch of shit about being human that you’ve never known before, let alone understood. One of those things is that sometimes you’re going to do really unsensible things because you want something bad enough. Sometimes, it’s just to have some fun in the water, or experience the rush that comes from being in danger. Other times, it’s because you’re in love with someone that other people say you shouldn’t be, but you don’t give a shit.”
Azrael leaned back to see Tobias’ face more clearly. “A theme you have had experience with.”
What was the best response to that other than to nod his assent? From the moment he had been discovered kissing another boy, he had grown up being told that what he wanted was wrong. His desires were wrong. Who he wanted, both in body and soul, was wrong. It had taken him so long to come to terms with who he was and what he wanted but the battle of his sexuality had long since been won, and he would happily tell anyone who said it was wrong to go fuck themselves.
Disobedience, at least to the status quo that he had been taught, was now all but second nature to him. Though there was often no small amount of bitterness to the act. It was no different to how he felt about himself and Azrael. God had done nothing for him his entire life, and he had been left to flounder through the horrors of the world on his own so many times. Even when he found good things, they were taken from him, usually in a horrible way. Now, he had another chance for something good in his life. He wasn’t about to let it go just because of some heavenly law that said what he and Azrael had was wrong.
“I guess this is kind of hard for you, isn’t it?” Tobias asked. Not for the first time, regret pinged through him for having dragged Azrael into all of this.
“Disobedience is not typically in the nature of an angel,” Azrael said. “But I am no longer just an angel, am I? My angelic essence may still exist, but without it, I am just a human, a human who must discover how to navigate this world.”
“Hey, you’re not just a human. Your personality is still what makes you who you are, and I love your personality. I’m not sitting here in love with someone just because they once floated about Heaven on pretty gray wings.”
“They weren’t always.”
“What, gray?”
“Yes. Once, they were as white as many of those in Heaven. My time spent in Saul is what eventually drove the white of my wings to become tainted with the gray of death. Or perhaps it was simply the influence of traveling the realms of the dead that did it.”
“Didn’t seem tainted to me. I thought they were beautiful.”
Azrael laughed almost nervously. “Come, now. Surely you saw Raphael and Gabriel’s wings?”
“Eh.” Tobias shrugged. “I mean, they were the first full-blown angels I’ve ever seen, so that was a shock. But one had the normal wings you’d expect on an angel, and the other looked like he’d plucked a peacock to decorate himself with.”
Azrael nudged Tobias with a soft laugh. “Tobias!”
“What? It’s true! Peacocks make it look better anyway. Just looked weird on an angel, if you ask me. I liked your wings, though I wish I could have seen them better. They weren’t ‘tainted.’ They were yours. Just like you told me once that all the scars on my mind made me what I was, and that you liked the person I was. Same thing applies to your wings. They’re a sign of who you are, of the things you have done. Plus, they looked totally soft.”
Azrael lay his head on Tobias’ shoulder with a faint sigh. “Maybe one day, you can find out. For now, I am content to wander about aimlessly.”
“Really? You seem to like some order to your life. You even tried to plan out our little wandering trip today.”
“You keep bringing that up. Is that so unusual?”
“For me? Yeah.” Tobias laughed, kissing the top of Azrael’s head. “But I guess that’s just your version of letting things happen.”
“You are mocking me.”
“A bit, but it’s okay. You can plan as much as you want, Az. It doesn’t bother me at all.”
“Even this feels so utterly chaotic to me. I suppose I am not a very good human.”
“Let me introduce you to a dedicated librarian sometime, and you’ll think you’re positively relaxed.”
“I am relaxed,” Azrael murmured quietly, pulling one leg up to rest over Tobias’ own. “I have you here, and that is all that matters.”