Break
There are times in our lives when we require a break. It can come in the form of a vacation or simply a minute to take a breath, and separate from reality. We stop and pause, allow a moment to recharge our metaphorical battery, so we can get back to our norm. We rest so we can survive another day.
BREEZE
SUMMER VACATION USUALLY consisted of Pocket and I hanging out at the park, getting baked and talking about boys. This summer would be different. She snuck away with Liam most of the time, and unless I wanted to face the wrath of Shame, my pot smoking days were over.
The end of June and most of July flew by. I read a ton of books during that time, kept up with the daily clubhouse chores, and mowed a few lawns to make some money of my own.
Truth be told, though, I was bored out of my mind. I missed Pocket. I missed freedom and finding trouble and my dad. Not that I wanted my old life back, but I felt like I was going stir crazy. In fact, I knew I bordered on losing it, because I looked forward to school starting, mainly so I could be among people who weren’t fighting or farting. Recently I had considered sneaking out so I could feel a little like a teenager again. I needed a break from the structure Shame demanded.
I muddled through the pile of laundry in my room when Shame entered. He looked excited.
“Get packing,” he instructed, tossing a duffle bag on the floor at my feet. “We’re going on vacation.”
I blinked, surprised. “We are?”
I had never been on a vacation. Every September, I had to listen to kids read their What I Did This Summer essays. Theirs usually involved trips to The Cape, or plane rides to Florida to visit Disney World. My tale consisted of hanging out at Cumby’s until I found some sucker to buy me a Slurpee. That was when I bothered to write one.
“We’re going up to the cabin for a couple of weeks,” Shame informed me.
“Cabin?”
“My old man’s place at Winnipesauke. You’ll love it.”
“I’m sure I will,” I replied and Shame left me.
The next morning a caravan of vehicles left for the cabin. I didn’t realize it would be a club trip, but I didn’t much care. Getting out of Southie for a bit was exactly what I needed to shake up the monotony of my life, before I did something foolish.
After close to three hours in a tiny space, with Gus’s head on my lap, my calves cramped, and my ears ached from my headphones. As soon as we stopped, I leaped out of the SUV to stretch my legs.
The log cabin rested among tall pine trees and sat right on the lake. The humid air smelled like dirt and woods with a hint of skunk. I couldn’t wait to slip into a swimsuit and ride the jet skis I saw parked at the dock in the back. Viv showed me to the room we would share, and I put my things away.
After a quick change, her and I headed out to the back dock. She gave me a rushed driving lesson and then we were off. The ski’s engine vibrated my thighs as the machine skitted across the water. The wind in my hair and the freedom offered a far superior experience to any amusement park ride. I had been there less than an hour and I never wanted to leave. We cruised the lake steady for a bit, circled a small island and then raced each other back to the cabin. She won.
Shame waved from the dock, and once we docked, he asked if I was up for a ride with him to someplace called The Weirs. I nodded and followed him up the lake.
We docked the skis, removed our life vests and placed them on the skis handlebars.
A faint growl came from Shame’s throat, before I noticed his eyes glued to my chest.
“Jesus,” he huffed and whipped off his T-shirt. “Put this on.”
As I slipped on Shame’s shirt, I couldn’t decide what excited me more, him noticing my boobs, or having something that belonged to him against my skin. I inhaled as I lowered the shirt and tried to hide my goofy grin.
Shame looked to be frustrated. He did that growly thing and his lips worked back and forth.
“Get a whole piece and burn that thing,” he ordered.
I laughed and then started to protest but stopped myself, mainly because I now stared at him. The man was genetically gifted. It wasn’t fair he was so hot and I was so young.
My eyes paused on a Celtic cross tattoo similar to the one the club used like a crest above his left pec. He was ripped, not lean like the boys at school. Shame was massive, with sculpted arms and abs cut to perfection. I felt miniature next to him.
I finally lifted my gaze to his and swallowed. “It’s just a swimsuit.”
“No, it’s a cock teasing, horn-dog beacon . . . Burn it!”
“Okay,” I mumbled, and tried not to laugh because he was clearly serious, although, I wasn’t sure if I was actually supposed to burn the suit, or if he spoke metaphorically. “I have a one piece at the cabin.”
“Good,” Shame said and started walking.
I followed and we strolled along the railroad tracks looking for pennies that had been crushed by trains.
“There’s so many,” I told him, picking up a few.
“It’s tradition for visitors to put pennies on the tracks,” he explained. “Berg used to collect them.”
“You miss him, huh?”
“Mostly when we come up here. I snag a few pennies each summer in his honor.”
Shame sat on a patch of grass. The lines around his eyes showcased a hint of the vulnerability he kept hidden from the world. It was curious how I always managed to see it, maybe because it reflected some of my own weaknesses, or maybe he allowed me to. A secret between us was preferable. I took his hand as I sat next to him.
“I’m sorry.”
“He loved it here,” Shame stated. The faint smile starting to lift his mouth disappeared. “If I hadn’t made him come outside with me—”
His voice caught and I wanted to throw my arms around him. I knew he would resist, so I kept his hand in mine. “It wasn’t your fault.”
Without reply, he locked his jaw, choosing to stare across the lake. Beautiful, with tall trees and pristine blue sky, the setting reminded me of a scenic painting. Sunlight caught each ripple of water, making it hard to stare too long. I squirmed a little in the silence and waited until Shame finally spoke. “That was the last thing he said to me.”
“It wasn’t. I don’t know what happened but—”
“It was the worst day of my life. I stepped one foot out of the clubhouse when gunfire erupted. I saw my pop fall to the ground and reach for me. He yelled for me to go inside but I ran to him anyway, because I refused to let him die alone.”
His words faded and the only sounds were birds chirping in the trees nearby. I wasn’t sure what to do but the air was laced with with an overwhelming sadness, and I didn’t want Shame to be sad.
“At least you had a chance to say goodbye.” After I said the words, I realized how insensitive they sounded, how scripted . . . how young. It was one of those phrases we were programmed to say, but were never truly meaningful.
Before I had a chance to offer more, Shame pulled his hand away without a word and stood up.
On our return to the dock, we stopped into the arcade, and I lost four out of five games of air hockey. Shame didn’t speak of Berg or the club. He didn’t say much of anything actually, but I could see the sorrow in his eyes. I felt like I intruded on a private moment when he allowed himself to remember his dad, yet, he had invited me. I didn’t know what that meant. I wanted to assume he needed me, maybe as much as I needed him.
When we returned to the cabin, the guys were throwing back beers and barbequing. Shame removed his life vest, and again, I couldn’t stop staring. My eyes stayed on his back muscles as I followed him up the small path from the dock to the cabin. Viv smiled as I approached her and Shame continued on without me.
“You’re blushing,” Viv said with a soft laugh.
“Oh, God.” I covered my mouth. “It’s so wrong. I know.”
“Hmmm.” I waited for Viv to elaborate but she didn’t.
“I know we aren’t . . . I mean . . . I know he’s too old for me.”
“You were only looking. It’s not like kids don’t look at guys in boy bands in exactly the same way and most of them are Shame’s age.”
I wasn’t much of a boy band fan, but I did get her drift. I was a kid. Only with Shame it was different. Musicians and actors were far removed from my small world. Shame, though, he was ever present in my life, and I was ever hopeful one day he would see me as more than a kid. It was torture.
Viv and I were truly on vacation, which meant everyone pitched in with the chores. The guys cooked on the outdoor grill, and Viv and I did the dishes after dinner. Dozer had to pick up his own socks, and no one asked me for a thing. It was heaven. Some of the guys brought their kids and wives, including Dusty. He introduced me to his son, Langston.
“Hey cutie,” I said, rubbing the little boy on the top of his red head.
He smiled with a toothy grin. “She’s pretty,” he said to his dad.
Dusty smiled. “She’s too old for you.”
“And you’re too old for her,” an attractive blonde said as she looped her tattooed arm through Dusty’s.
“Fionna, this is Breeze.”
“Hello.” I smiled and held my hand out.
Fionna shook it loosely but looked at me with hostility, only I didn’t understand why.
“Langston’s adorable,” I complimented.
“He’s a little shit,” she said with a bitterness that made me feel sorry for Langston.
I didn’t know what her problem was, but I was having too much fun to let her steal my sunshine. “Would you like a juice box, kiddo?” I asked Langston.
He nodded and I led him away to the ice chest to escape the bitterness of his mother.
After dinner, Tank set a bonfire out back that we gathered around in Adirondack chairs while eating s’mores. A moan left my mouth as I sucked up warm marshmallow from the side of the graham cracker. I felt Shame watching me and turned my head. His brown eyes twinkled by the light of the flames, taking on a yellowish hue.
“Can I help you?” I teased.
Shame chuckled. “I’ve never seen someone eat a s’more so enthusiastically.”
“Oh.” I blushed. “I’ve never tasted anything so good.”
“You’ve never had a s’more?”
“Nope,” I laughed. “But I plan to have like ten more before the night is over.”
He smiled and took a swig of beer. “You should.”
“I will.” I stuck my tongue out.
Shame leaned back in his chair and looked up at the sky. My gaze followed his. There were so many stars. They looked like a million specks of glitter dancing in the night.
“Wow.”
Shame made a noise in agreement. We stared at the sky for several more minutes. I wanted to ask what he was thinking. Why he appeared so hypnotized, but I supposed the answer was obvious. He felt a peace I’m sure he couldn’t attain back in Boston where his responsibilities lied.
“Thank you for bringing me here. I’ve never been outta Boston. It’s so peaceful.”
He reached over and placed his hand on mine. “Yes, it is.”
His touch sent a wave of emotion through me. It was so intense I sighed. He turned his head and looked directly into my eyes.
“You make it hard for me to breathe.”
His words were slurred. He had obviously had one too many beers. I swallowed hard, staring back at him.
“Oh,” I whispered, at a loss for how to respond.
His hand fell away and he stood up. The crease between his brows was deep as he stared down at me. “Good night, Dimples.”
“Night,” I said, watching him stroll away with his hands in his pockets. Maybe I was too young to know what love was, but that night under the stars, I was madly in love with Shame. And in that moment, I always would be.
Yeah, I knew I was a tad delusional. I understood my feelings were all sorts of wrong. I never imagined a crush could be so powerful. It wasn’t as though I wanted to love him, or think about him every second of every day. I did, though, and it hurt a great deal. My heart lived in constant pain, and yet, I had learned to cope.
The next morning, I swore Shame avoided me. His answers were short and whenever I came around, he left. Thankfully I had come to recognize this as typical behavior whenever he felt we were getting too close. I no longer took it personally.
After breakfast, Viv found me in our room, reading. “Hey, we’re taking the boat out. Wanna come?”
“Yeah. Of course,” I hollered and leaped off the bed, feeling excited.
A smile tugged my lips as I slipped on my one piece and remembered Shame’s reaction to my bikini.
“What?” Viv questioned.
With a bashful shake of my head, I commented how it was nothing.
I followed Viv outside and to the boat. It was a large speedboat and Shame sat behind the wheel. Crash and Bender were in the back and Tank and Dozer filled seats on the side. Dusty offered me a hand. I glanced around before I took it.
“Is Fionna coming?” I asked, because I truly believed she would kick my ass if I touched Dusty.
“Nah, she’s still asleep,” Dusty answered. “Sorry she was such a bitch. She’s the jealous type.”
I laughed on the inside at someone being jealous of me. I mean, Fionna was all legs and hair and beautiful. I was a gangly teen girl and the club maid.
Still, I felt relieved she wasn’t around. I took Dusty’s hand and climbed into the boat. Viv came in after me and we sat across from Tank and Dozer.
Once the boat was underway, I noticed Dozer looked a little green. “You all right, there, stinky feet?”
He groaned and Tank laughed. “Pussy’s afraid of the water. Can’t swim.”
“Why’d you come?” I asked.
“He lost a bet,” Tank snickered.
I shook my head. Why guys were so mean to each other and so okay with it was beyond me.
After a short ride, the boat came to a stop and Tank threw a set of water skis overboard. “Ladies first.” He looked at Viv and I.
“Oh, it’s okay . . . I . . . don’t know how,” I stuttered.
“It’s easy,” Viv said cheerfully. “I’ll go first.”
I agreed but felt nerves dancing in my stomach. Tank held up a flag as Viv hopped overboard and slipped her feet into the skis. She grabbed onto the handle of the rope and the boat moved slowly until the rope fully extended.
After she held her thumb up, Shame hit the gas and the boat took off. Seconds later, Viv stretched up out of the water until her legs were nearly straight. It looked easy enough. Right when I thought I could do it, she had to go and show off, jumping over the wake and holding the rope with one hand.
When my turn came about, I leaped into the water excited and confident. I did exactly as I had seen Viv do. Only when the boat took off, I ended up flat on my stomach, swallowing lake water. Panic set in. People screamed, but I couldn’t make out what they said with the water plugging my ears. I held onto the rope and prayed for the boat to stop.
It felt like hours and I was positive I was going to drown. The boat finally came to a halt and an instant later Shame swam up next to me. I heard him ask if I was okay, but I couldn’t stop coughing long enough to answer. He pulled me close and swam back to the boat with my back sealed to his chest.
Viv and Tank pulled me up into the boat. Shame climbed in and dashed to my side. A bunch of the guys laughed and Shame looked irate.
“Shut the fuck up,” Shame roared.
“Chill out,” Crash said.
“You chill out,” Tank responded, shoving Crash backward. “She could’ve drowned.”
Crash rolled his eyes. “She’s fine.”
“You’re supposed to let go of the rope, sweetheart,” Bender teased.
“You fuckers should have told her that before she got in the water,” Shame yelled, sending a murderous look in their direction.
“Fuck that. She ain’t my old lady.” Crash laughed.
“Little girls shouldn’t be on the boat anyway,” Bender added laughing, before swigging on a beer. “Not until they’ve swallowed something thicker than water.”
“You’re disgusting,” Viv snapped at Bender.
I felt Shame as he started to get up and put my hand on his knee to stop him as I leaned forward. He didn’t need to stick up for me. I was a big girl and could fight my own battles.
“What the hell does that mean?” I shot at Bender, feeling irritated, not just that he called me a little girl but because he sounded like a sexist jerk. A few of the guys snickered, making me feel even smaller. Bender glanced at Shame before he answered it was nothing. “It’s not a big deal, anyway. I’m fine,” I reassured the group.
Everyone stared at me, and I suddenly felt like a little girl. I hated it and seriously considered jumping overboard and swimming back to the cabin.
“It was my fault, anyway,” Viv said. “I should’ve told you.”
I wanted the attention off of me and shrugged. Dusty came to my rescue when he yelled, “My turn.”
Shame took the flag and Tank went up to drive the boat. Everyone took new spots on the boat and only Shame and I remained near the back. I caught Shame’s eye. He blinked several times and said, “You shouldn’t challenge the guys like that.”
“Why? He was being a dick.”
“So, ignore it,” he said with a callous shrug and looked away.
I stood up with intentions of saying nothing and going to the other end of the boat where I didn’t have to be near him. Only, I decided I wanted one last word, even if it meant saying it to the back of his head. “If I ignored someone for acting like a dick, I’d never speak to you.”
Feeling victorious, I strode away to the front of the boat and climbed up on the bow next to Viv.
After Dusty skied, we pulled up to a sandbar and the boat stopped. Viv and I sunbathed on the bow while the guys drank beer and threw a Frisbee, which led to a few testosterone-charged fights everyone seemed to find acceptable.
Shame had not left his spot in the back of the boat. His silence and the stoic look he wore kept beckoning to me to go apologize. Only, I was as stubborn as he was, and I refused to let him spoil my fun with another pointless lecture.
Tex and a guy I didn’t recognize pulled up next to Viv and me on the jet skis. With a huge smile, Viv leaped off the bow into the water. “Paul,” she squealed, jumping into the guy’s arms, and then she hugged Tex.
“Breeze, I want you to meet someone,” Viv said with excitement, waving me over. I hopped off the boat into the water, which only came up to my knees. “Paul this is Breeze, the girl I told you about.”
She had been telling people about me? I remember thinking how cool. We actually were friends. I was more than a girl who worked for her. Then I considered she had a boyfriend she never told me about. And a hot boyfriend. Maybe we weren’t as close as I had thought.
“Hello, Breeze,” Paul said, offering his hand. He had dark spikey hair and light brown eyes. His smile was sweet.
After I shook his hand, I shot a look at Viv. “You didn’t tell me you had a boyfriend.”
Tex and Paul laughed. Viv blushed. “Paul’s not a boyfriend. We grew up together.”
“Oh.”
“And I set him up with Tex.”
My gaze worked back and forth over Tex and Paul as her words settled. “Ohhhhh—” Now I was blushing. “I didn’t . . .”
I totally put my foot in my mouth. Thankfully, Tex was kind enough to rescue me. “It’s all good, Breezey.”
I smiled. “It’s nice to meet you, Paul.”
We stayed at the sandbar until sunset. I spent a lot of time observing Paul and Tex. They were in the early phase of love and it was beautiful to watch. Love was love. It was never a choice to be made. That was the problem I had with Shame. Because of our age difference, I knew I was supposed to choose someone else, but my heart refused to back down. It didn’t understand morality or what was socially acceptable. Life could be complicated and cruel but that was life. I simply had to make the best of it.
I didn’t want to leave the lake, or the cabin and return to Boston. Out there, we were detached from reality, in a wilderness of denial, and I wanted to live there forever.
We also take breaks from people. Sometimes it is temporary, and provides us with a reminder of why the person was in our lives to begin with. We welcome them back. Other times, we feel happier, and we realize how much a break was needed. It is when taking a break fails to bring relief we struggle.
SHAME
I hated leaving the cabin. It was as though I left all of my contentment on the lake. Since returning, I would catch glimpses of Breeze. She looked different. She was becoming a woman. A woman I could never have but in truth wanted more than anything. It sucked and because it was summer, she was always around, taunting me with soft giggles and sultry eyes.
To get a break from Breeze, and satisfy my sexual needs, I spent most nights with Sabina at her place. But the guys started giving me shit about settling down, so I hauled one of the club groupies into the back room.
My head had not been straight since finding out about Maddie. I was torn between club and family. If she crossed me and it hurt the club, I would never be able to live with myself, if the club let me live at all. I had spoken to her only twice on the phone since we met at the diner. Her partner was still working his way into Dixon’s crew, but the investigation moved slowly. I had a rat to find, and I couldn’t help her anymore.
Sabina calmed me most of the time, but I liked her too much to be rough, to let out my frustrations.
The naked blonde I had pinned to the wall, now she was mine, to release all of my anger on. She liked it rough. I had been spinning for a while and all I wanted was to spiral into oblivion for the afternoon.
With a condom already on, I lifted her up, holding her up by her thighs as I slid my dick inside of her. Her legs wrapped tight around my waist and I surged forward. She cried out with each powerful thrust of my hips, but I couldn’t ravage her enough against the wall to numb the madness in my thoughts.
Pissed at how things were going, I carried her to the bed and set her down. Her hooded eyes begged for more, and I gave it to her. She whimpered as I flipped her over and pulled her roughly by the hips to the edge of the bed. I sunk back inside of her and pulled her hair until she screamed. With each push forward, I grunted my anger. I couldn’t pump fast enough, hard enough or deep enough to stop feeling.
“Fuck,” I screamed and pulled out.
“Come here, baby,” she cooed.
I gave up and slid up next to her. She cradled my head against her full breasts. I felt sick to my stomach and wanted to leave. The girl was trash and did nothing for me. I stayed because deep at the root of things, I wanted to punish myself.
“This will help,” she said, dipping her pinky fingernail into a vile of coke and holding it out for me.
I experimented with my fair share of drugs, but coke wasn’t my vice. I didn’t need more rage and that shit tended to send me into blind fits. I shook my head and lit a joint instead. I needed calm. She snorted the white powder on the end of her fingernail and tossed her head back.
“Come on, baby. Let’s try again.”
Her grin spread her entire face as she looked down at me. I didn’t want some coked up groupie. It was the girl sleeping upstairs I wanted, but since it was immoral, not to mention illegal to have her, I let the blonde ride me until I finally fell off the edge and grabbed onto a few seconds of tranquility.
Those seconds were never long enough. What I needed to do was send Breeze packing. My life had been an absolute mess since she snuck into it, but who was I kidding? I was far too selfish to release her.
She was mine.
Life gets even more interesting when the very person we need a break from, is the one person we cannot escape. Being free is worse than being trapped, so we stick it out.