Unimaginable
The stories we read in newspapers or see on the evening news are typically unimaginable. In our mind, such horrible atrocities would never happen to us. We are smarter. We are different. We are untouchable. In truth, we are ignorant.
BREEZE
I HAD NO idea where I was, but I felt a strong urge to vomit. My gut kept wrenching, only nothing remained in my stomach to purge. My head throbbed painfully. I could barely see out of my eyes, but was able to make out several men. One was E. He yelled at the men about something. Whatever had upset him, he furiously pointed at me as he grilled them, calling them, “fuck ups,” and alerting them that, “she was going to be pissed.”
The guy next to E looked insane enough to torture if not kill me. He also looked familiar, but I couldn’t place his face. My hands were tied and my feet bound to something cold. But the realization I was naked had me screaming in a voice I didn’t recognize as my own.
My breaths came in quick gasps as my eyes darted around. It took mere seconds for me to piece together what inexplicable things happened to me. The zip ties bounding my hands sliced through my wrists as I fought to get free. What struck me the most was how I didn’t feel any pain. It was then I knew I was high on whatever they injected me with.
“There’s no use struggling,” E taunted, kneeling next to me.
“Shame’s going to kill you,” I spat.
I flinched when his fingers caressed my cheek. “You’ll be long gone by then, baby.”
“Fuck you!”
He laughed before speaking to the guy next to him. “Shoot her up again, and since you fucked up, line the guys up to teach this bitch how to mind.”
“Not a problem, boss.”
“I have to go meet my mother, but I’ll send a crew back with a box truck. Make sure these whores get to the port by midnight.”
Shame didn’t have any time to find me. My life slipped away from me. I wanted to plead and beg for mercy but I couldn’t find my voice. The drugs rendered me weak and unable to fight.
“Who fucked her?” Sabina bellowed, her heels clicking into the concrete floor as she marched toward E.
The force of her words hit me, causing me to feel the pain they had inflicted on me. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I was too angry and scared and helpless. I stared through the narrow slits in my eyes. They were nearly swollen shut, and my ribcage ached to the point I could barely manage a full breath.
“It was Pearson,” E answered.
“Fucking idiot.” Sabina glared at a man with a skeleton tattooed up his bare arm. He was so familiar, but I couldn’t push past the clouds in my mind to place where I knew him from. “Do you know how much money we lost because of your stupidity?”
“That’s your fault, bitch. You should’ve told me. We did her like the other whores who come through here.” The guy stood right up to Sabina. “We’ve never had one in here before. How was I supposed to know?”
“Excuses, Jalen. You always have them,” Sabina scolded. “You can explain it to Ishmael.”
Everything they said sunk in. When Sabina came to see me, it wasn’t a sincere attempt at friendship. She was looking to confirm my virginity. How cruel was life? I had surrendered my virginity hours before to a man that if he had only chosen me, I wouldn’t be in such a horrific situation.
I screamed but nothing came out. My throat closed up tight, and I shook to the point of convulsions. I glanced up, looking in the eyes of the monster I wanted to kill for what he had done to me. He sneered at me as though he owned me. I felt disgusted, knowing he had done horrible things to me, violated me when I was helpless to defend myself. I still couldn’t remember where I knew him from, but we had definitely met before.
Then I smelled the stench around me of urine and feces. Bile rose in my throat and mixed with the distinct taste of blood. I spit, only I couldn’t get the taste out of my mouth. Each time I took a breath, I gagged and coughed up chunks. Then, something in me snapped. I lost it and started thrashing against the restraints. I stopped when I heard Sabina laughing.
Instead of continuing my futile attempt at escape, I focused on all the ways Shame would kill Sabina. Those visions made me relax, made me feel slightly stronger because I knew she would pay for this. Even if I wouldn’t be around to see it, Shame would kill her. I only hoped slow and painful, and in a way she would suffer immense pain.
“I have to go,” Sabina said to the group of men. “Jalen, you come with me. The rest of you, get back to work. The clock is ticking.”
Sabina, Jalen and E walked away. I saw the needle coming toward me as a guy knelt beside me. The only weapon available was my head and I used it. With a hard thrust forward I connected with his forehead. He barely budged. “Bitch,” he hissed with a snarled lip.
He sat tall, surveying me like I was prey. His right arm drew back and launched at my face. With a whip of my head, I managed to dodge the blow. For a moment, I felt satisfaction, only it quickly transitioned to dread as I felt the needle pinch my arm. My eyelids were too heavy to hold open as I listened to him release a string of the obscene things he had planned for me.
I felt his palm slip between my legs, but had no energy to protest. Through the hazy fog of the room, I felt the frenzy all around me as his hand disappeared and footsteps thundered in my ears. Then I heard a friendly female voice say, “We’ve got you. You’re going to be okay,” before I passed out.
The unimaginable can happen to anyone at any time. To think otherwise, is not only foolish, it can be catastrophic to life, as we know it. Still we live in our bubble of denial because only there can we function.
SHAME
God-fearing people saw hell as amber flames and molten rock, a place where the devil resided, welcoming sinners. I didn’t. No, hell was what one created with careless actions. It was watching your hopes die. For me, hell was knowing the woman I loved lost her innocence because of a decision I made five years earlier when I selfishly brought her into my world.
Hell was learning my father, a man I held in higher regard than Jesus himself, was actually Satan on Earth. Hell was both of these things colliding in one night. Hell was in my reflection when I looked in the mirror and saw a failure. Hell was the next morning when my reflection looked as helpless as I felt, and I realized how badly I fucked up. Hell was the knowledge the pain I felt would never fade. That it would always haunt me.
Hell was my reality.
Hell was punishment.
Hell was the hollow pit in my stomach, constantly reminding me what happened to Breeze was my fault.
I prayed Breeze would not be banished to the same painful fate, prayed the devil wasn’t waiting on her. Because she had been drugged, she wouldn’t have the memories of what she lived through. Would that save her? And help her survive what she experienced? The doctors gave the only knowledge Breeze had of what happened to her after the rape kit was completed. I can still feel the fury that consumed me as I watched the tears rain down her cheeks and looked into the slits of her swollen eyes.
Screw club and pride and family. Screw Maddie’s career. I was hell bent on vengeance and prepared to embark on a murderous rampage that would start with Sabina. She had played the role perfectly. I never considered she had changed sides. I helped her when she had nothing, gave her everything. The more I thought about her betrayal, the more I couldn’t wait to get my hands around her throat. She would pay for Breeze and for Dusty and Dink. Hell, I would even hold her accountable for Tex.
I hadn’t left Breeze’s side all night, even threatening the nurse who tried to throw me out. The torment in her moans nearly killed me. I hoped they were induced from the sedatives they had given her and not nightmares of monsters and men.
Her parents spent the night in the lobby. I failed them as much as I failed Breeze. Clery threatened to kill me. I hoped he would. Living with what I had done was worse than death.
“Shame.” The weakness of her voice was like an ice pick to my heart.
I reached up and stroked her silky, blond hair. “I’m right here, Dimples.”
“Kill him, please,” she said, her voice scratchy as she drifted back to sleep.
“I promise,” I whispered and kissed her forehead.
It was a vow I would die to keep. I’d kill Eddie and Sabina, too, only I planned to make her suffer immensely first.
“You were supposed to protect her.” I heard Pocket’s voice, from behind, laced with accusations I couldn’t deny. My eyes stayed on Breeze as I felt her friend approach. “How the fuck did you let this happen?”
As Pocket made her way to the foot of the bed, she started wailing. “Get out of here. Leave her alone!” I stared blankly at Breeze’s friend, knowing there was nothing I could say to defend against her wrath. My lack of emotion only seemed to increase her ire. Her skin transitioned to an angry shade of red. “Look what you did to her. Go and stay out of her life.”
Again she waited for a reaction, wanted me to lash out at her, but I couldn’t because everything she said I had already thought. Her fists pounded into my arm. I absorbed each blow as I watched her face with a disturbing sense of gratification. Her palm connected with my cheek. The next attempt, I ducked my head, and she missed. “I’m sorry!” I screamed, finally offering a response.
Pocket sunk to her knees. “You were supposed to keep her safe.”
She had picked an inappropriate time to get righteous, but it didn’t make her wrong.
“I know,” I whispered in defeat. “I’m gonna make it right. I swear.”
Breeze turned her head and looked right at her friend. “Please don’t be mad at him,” she said quietly. “I love him.”
Her love for me was undeserved, but there it was in the faint smile she flashed me.
A painful breath left me as I clutched my fist in front of my lips. How could she still love me when I failed her so miserably? I had promised to protect her and I didn’t do it. I clung to her words of devotion as my vow for revenge grew in intensity. The Villains were going down. And each and every one of them would know their sacrifice was for Breeze.
Each of us deals with the unimaginable in our own way. Regardless of how we go about forgetting, one thing is certain; we will survive.