Soon
Soon is an awful word. As is maybe, probably, eventually, and we will see. Still, they are words we cling to for the slightest bit of hope. Even when faced with the impossible, we all want to believe there is a chance.
BREEZE
AFTER FINISHING THE dishes, I chose to do my studying on the couch in the clubhouse. I wanted to be up when Shame returned. The guys had left in a rush, and Shame looked irate. I wanted to know he was safe.
I dozed off a few times but shortly after one in the morning, I shot up when I heard the door. Dink came stumbling in, obviously drunk, mumbling profanities under his breath. The nape of my neck tingled as he approached me.
“Why aren’t you with Shame?” I asked.
“Missed the call.” His words slurred.
I knew Shame would be upset with Dink. As a youngen’ you were expected to be available twenty-four-seven.
When Dink sat next to me, I scooted away. He made me uncomfortable and I wished I had gone up to bed earlier.
“Fix me some eats,” he ordered.
“The kitchen’s closed,” I shot back, posturing bravely.
“Bitch, you work for us. I’m hungry.”
“Fix it yourself,” I said, disgusted. “I have to get up for school. I’m going to bed.”
He grabbed my arm when I tried to stand, yanking me back to the couch. I closed my eyes and was too scared to open them back up. Instead I focused on breathing, absorbed the vile sensation of his touch and prayed he wouldn’t hurt me.
“It doesn’t work that way, sweetheart.” He licked my cheek from jaw to eye bone before whispering in my ear. “Cook me somethin’ to eat and then you can take care of my other needs.”
I kept my eyes closed until he forced my hand to his crotch where I discovered his erection.
“No, let me go,” I screamed in vain.
He pushed me into the couch with his hand around my throat. “You need to be taught a lesson about back talking.”
The liquor on his breath burned my nostrils as he lowered his head to kiss me. I was vaguely aware of how badly my legs trembled while I struggled to work free. I squeezed my eyes closed and again prayed for rescue.
For the first time in my life, God listened. The door flew open and Shame tromped through. It took him all of two seconds to survey what was going on. Before I could blink, Shame held Dink against the wall by his throat. “Keep your fuckin’ hands off her. You got that?” Dink nodded and Shame released him. “Apologize to Breeze.”
I glanced up, holding my knees to my chest. Dink looked at me with hate in his eyes. Shame had mentally pissed all over his manhood. Being forced to apologize emasculated Dink further, which made my worry increase. Shame wouldn’t always be around to protect me.
“It’s fine,” I said, standing up. “I’m going to bed.”
“No, it ain’t fine. Apologize, Dink . . . Right fuckin’ now,” Shame demanded.
Dink apologized quietly and I nodded.
“Next time, you lose a set of balls,” Shame threatened.
“It won’t happen again, bro. I swear.” My eyes darted to the floor when Dink looked right at me. “I am sorry, Breeze.”
I heard regret in his tone. Maybe he was sorry. Maybe he wasn’t. Didn’t matter, because I would never hang out alone in the clubhouse again.
“Where the fuck were you?” Shame shouted.
“I fell asleep and missed your call,” Dink answered. “I came over to see what you needed.”
“Bullshit!” Shame roared. “You’re lit.”
“Shame look—”
“Go home, before I throw your ass outta this club. If my old man didn’t love your pop so much, I woulda already sent you packing. This is your last chance.”
Dink stormed out of the clubhouse, pissed and drunk and I hoped he would sleep it off and even forget anything happened.
Shame rubbed my arms. “Did he hurt you?”
I shook my head, although my neck ached and I knew I would have a bruise. “No, but I plan to teach Gus how to sic balls and bring him with me from now on.” Shame laughed softly, but I was more concerned with the streak of dried blood running from the cut near his eye. “What happened to you?”
“It’s nothin’ for you to worry about.”
“Well, come on,” I said, taking his hand and leading him to the stairs. Shame kept his hand in mine and followed me upstairs into the bathroom. While I pulled out the First-Aid kit, Shame took a seat on the toilet. He didn’t even flinch when I applied an alcohol pad to his cut. I followed with steri-strips, hopeful they would seal the cut, because I knew he wouldn’t go the hospital for stiches, which he probably needed.
“You’re good at this,” he commented, studying my face thoughtfully, as though giving me a moment to appreciate his sincerity.
“It’s not the first time I’ve patched someone up. My dad’s been in his share of bar fights.”
A strange look passed over his expression. I didn’t know what to make of it and I wondered if a guy like him felt remorse. “You miss him?” he asked.
“Sometimes.” I shrugged. The feeling wasn’t anything new. I had been missing my dad for the last seven years.
“He’s doing better.”
I blinked, but didn’t look at Shame. “He is?”
“Yeah, from what I know he quit drinking and he’s got a job mowing lawns at the cemetery.”
“You think I could see him?”
Shame frowned and stood up. “Not yet, but maybe soon.”
I smiled. Soon, I could live with. Soon was hope.
Sometimes, soon is exactly what we need. Soon can be that tiny bit of light at the end of the tunnel. As long as we can see it, we will not give up. The kicker is, soon, can also be an excuse some people use so they can avoid never.
SHAME
What the hell was I doing? Why did I give her hope?
I knew Peter Clery well. He wouldn’t stay on the wagon long. He never did, but Breeze looked so sad. She looked broken and confused and vulnerable. I wanted to save her from those feelings deep inside of her. They had the potential to ruin her. She needed hope.
Although I shouldn’t have, I stood and moved close to Breeze. Her lashes fluttered as I brushed some hair from her face and neatly tucked the soft lock behind her ear. Her expression turned tentative. I rarely saw her with her hair down. It seemed lighter than the night we met, a beautiful sun-streaked yellow and lots of it. The bright lights above the bathroom mirror highlighted her dimples. Her smile made me feel dizzy. A heavy weight settled in my chest. She was beautiful inside and out.
I felt particularity confused and slightly jilted after what I walked in on downstairs. It felt like Dink touched something of mine and my adrenaline continued to surge. Her eyes moved over mine, waiting, for what I didn’t know. More hope maybe, or perhaps something meaningful, something I could never give her. “God, if you were only a few years older.”
“But I’m not.” Her brow furrowed as she chewed her bottom lip.
“Oh . . . but if you were.”
“Stop, please.” She swallowed, her expression deeply uncomfortable. “It’s not nice.”
“I’m sorry.” I held her face softly between my hands. “But sometimes I look at you and it’s so unfair.”
Her hand flew to her mouth as she darted from the room. I hated I had not kept my thoughts to myself. My words weren’t intended to hurt her. I didn’t even mean to say them out loud, but something in the way she looked at me forced the sentiment from my thoughts to my voice. I had spoken the truth. If Breeze were old enough, I would have fucked her on the bathroom counter and claimed her as mine. But I couldn’t. She was as forbidden as sex to priests and equally immoral.
Soon she would realize, even if we could be together, she wouldn’t want me.
Soon . . . is never soon enough. Soon . . . is never the answer we want. Soon . . . is never satisfying. But we will always take it, because soon . . . is something we can hold onto.