Chapter Thirteen

 

The next week I was only seeing Dr. Peters twice because she was going on vacation over the Fourth of July holiday. When Cash heard my appointment was Wednesday afternoon he said he was available and asked about making the drive with me.

I froze.

As was his usual response, he came in close so I could feel his body heat to explain that he wasn’t suggesting he go in with me but go for the ride and promised to remain in the waiting room. But we could grab lunch together first. That sounded great to me.

I wanted to spend the time with him but had sort of freaked out when I’d thought he said he’d wanted to come into my appointment. I told Dr. Peters everything and wasn’t so sure I was ready to do that with Cash.

“Gemma,” Dr. Peters said with a smile when she stepped out of her office and into the waiting room.

Cash and I stood at the same time.

“Dr. Peters, this is Cash Waterford.”

They shook hands and exchanged pleasantries, but I kept my eye on Cash. I’d wondered how he’d react to the good doctor, seeing as she was incredibly beautiful, but if he thought she was, he sure as hell didn’t show it. I don’t know why that was something I’d notice, but it was.

Cash dropped back into the chair when I stepped forward into her office.

Wednesday’s appointment was even more interesting. I’d been seeing her for a while and she knew me pretty well and she decided to focus on my eating. That was confusing.

“My eating? I don’t get it.”

“Gemma, you’ve told me how your mother programmed you. What to eat and how much was part of that. With Independence Day tomorrow, what do you think will happen if you indulge?”

“I have indulged. One day at Cash’s, I ate half a cheeseburger and fifteen fries.”

Ha! Take that, Dr. Peters.

She gave me a little smile and blinked twice.

“Gemma, if you had in fact indulged at Cash’s house, you wouldn’t know you ate exactly fifteen French fries. You’re still tracking it.” She let that therapist silence hang between us for about thirty seconds. “What do you think will happen if you indulge tomorrow?”

I sighed. I hated it when she was right.

“I’ll get fat.” The answer came out so naturally that I didn’t have a chance to think about it.

Would I get fat? Would I care if I did? Or more importantly, would Cash? Funny part was that those were the next three questions out of the doctor’s mouth.

“No, I guess splurging every now and then wouldn’t make me fat,” I answered. “My mother used to tell me that because guys don’t like the extra pounds. I had to be desirable.”

“If you did gain weight, how would that make you feel?” She folded her hands in her lap while asking.

“I don’t know.”

“Are you worried Cash wouldn’t like your body then?”

I nodded slowly. It was something I thought of after all.

“Do you honestly think he’d care?” she asked.

“He loves me. He proves it all the damn time. I think I could lose my face and he’d still love me. But there’s a difference between loving someone and finding them so desirable that you have to throw them on the floor and fuck them because you can’t stand not to. Big difference.”

Dr. Peters chuckled. “Well, let’s try not to lose your face. Not only because you’re beautiful, but because it would make life difficult and I don’t think you want any more hurdles to overcome, no matter how good you’re getting at jumping them.”

“No. I wouldn’t want that.”

We talked some more about my views on food and eating. I insisted I didn’t have an actual eating disorder—it was how I was raised to be—while Dr. Peters tried to convince me that I actually did. Maybe not a disorder that had a specific name but I didn’t have a healthy relationship with food. I found I wanted to change that too. I didn’t want to think about every single thing all the damn time.

“Ok, so we’re going to miss a session—two, actually, because I won’t be back for Monday’s. So, next Wednesday I want to discuss what you think about backing off sessions. We could go down to twice a week to start.”

“Why?” I was suddenly nervous. My hands began to sweat and I started biting my bottom lip.

“I don’t think you need to come as often, Gemma. You’ve embraced this process and have made some great headway. We can, of course, continue with our current schedule, but it’s something I’d like you to think about.”

“I will.”

“And I have some homework for you to make up for the two missed sessions.”

Now that didn’t make me nervous. It scared the shit out of me. This woman knew everything I’d done in my life yet didn’t look at me like I was a whore or a terrible human being or anything.

“I want you to think about something from your previous life. Something you did because you had to but that you didn’t enjoy.”

“That’s a long list.”

“I imagine it is. But I want this to be something you don’t think you could ever enjoy. With anyone. And it can be anything. A type of food you only ate because the guy you were with liked it to something more personal. It could be something sexual or a nickname that made your skin crawl. And then I want you to tell Cash that he is not allowed to do that. See how he responds.”

“He’s not going to care. I mean he’ll say it’s fine. I already know that.”

“I know.” She nodded. “And you say that like you believe it, but I want to make sure you know it to be true. You can also decide not to do this homework and there will be no punishment. It’s something I think will be helpful for you.”

“But if it’s something he loves to do and he says it’s fine so we won’t do it, he’ll be thinking about it and maybe eventually resent me for taking that thing away.” Even to my own ears, that sounded beyond fucked up.

Dr. Peters’ face softened. “Gemma, I assure you… If someone loves you, they will only care about what you can do, not what you can’t. And if it’s something you hate to eat, that doesn’t mean he can’t eat it.”

“True,” I agreed.

After all this was what I was paying her for.

As we drove home, Cash didn’t ask about my appointment and I didn’t offer anything up. Usually on the drive, I was busy going over everything I’d talked about with the doctor and trying to make sense of it in my own head. Since he was driving I could obsess even more than usual. Not having to pay attention to the road gave me the opportunity to think. And he let me.

He didn’t try to hold a conversation. He listened to the music playing softly in the background.

I should’ve spent the time talking to him since he was working with his brother that night so I wouldn’t get to see him again until I met him at his parents’ for the Fourth of July, but I couldn’t do it. I needed this time for myself.

Cash told me to come out to his parents’ whenever I wanted since he’d be there first thing helping set up for the big cookout that my family was coming to as well.

Those plans were almost overwhelming. Apparently, Gramps went to the Waterford’s for the Fourth whenever he wasn’t working. Which meant Bianca would want to go, so Gio would be there. Then Cash said Sal and Bailey should come, but Nick was coming into town. Nick being Bianca and Bailey’s best friend from high school, he couldn’t be left out, so he’d agreed to join us, too.

Suddenly, every single person I knew or talked to was going to be at my boyfriend’s parents’ house. Cash swore it wasn’t a big deal. That they welcomed everyone and it was family, but I was still worried.

In the morning, I climbed out of bed and got dressed. It was a cookout, so I chose khaki Bermudas with a pink tank top and ballet flats. But I packed a bag of extra clothes and a zip-up sweatshirt in case the weather got chilly during the fireworks.

Plus, when I went to the farm, I never went unprepared after the first time.

Supposedly, you could see the fireworks perfectly from the farm, even though they were launched from the pier on the far side of town. It was, at least, the side of town the farm was closest to. I hadn’t been to a display for fun in my life, so I was looking forward to it.

I’d spent part of the night thinking about what Dr. Peters had said and I came up with the one thing I knew I didn’t ever want Cash to do to me. Then again, how did I know I didn’t want him to do it? I knew I didn’t enjoy it before and it made me feel gross and used.

It was a good place to start.

People were supposed to arrive around four, so I did a quick clean-up of my house, which was something I didn’t do often enough, then took a shower so I’d be presentable.

I got out to the farm after noon, hoping to have a chance to talk to Cash privately and then also be there to help his mother. Cash had said he’d be there by then and when I arrived I saw his truck, so I felt good about my decision. I also saw the tow and what I’d come to know as Brennan’s car.

Maybe I should have shown up earlier.

I’d meant to talk to Cash before everyone else got there. I’d have to get him alone because now that I decided to do it, I couldn’t hold it in. Dr. Peters had said it would help and I wanted to be normal more than anything else. I had the feeling that it would help. It made me feel confident that I was going to put my foot down about something.

The front door wasn’t open and I heard people around back, so I still knocked. Lisa answered with her arms full of grilling needs.

“Oh, hey, Gemma. Everyone’s out back, but Cash is inside on the couch.” She pushed the screen door open and held it.

“Do you need some help with all that?”

“This? No, I’ve got it. But you can light a fire under my son’s ass so he can help his dad. His brothers are all out there doing it and it might get ugly if he doesn’t participate.”

“Will do,” I said with a laugh.

I went through the small entryway as she headed back through the kitchen until I heard the back screen door smack against the house. She was outside. Now was my chance.

I found Cash on the couch where his mother said he’d be.

He was laying down, his head on the arm with some papers in his hand. He was reading them, but damn, he looked good in his well-worn blue jeans and a dark gray T-shirt. His hair was a mess, which was sexy as hell. I took a deep breath to steel my nerves. I’d had a little speech planned.

However, seeing him, that speech was gone and I was my normal blabbing self.

“You can’t tie me up,” I said, taking one small step into the living room.

Cash’s attention jumped to me. His eyes were wide with surprise, the papers crinkled as he gripped them tighter in his hand. Then his gaze slowly left me and slid toward the other side of the room.

“Damn, Cash, what’d you try to do to her?” Dante said while trying to hold in a laugh.

I closed my eyes.

Someone smacked the kid on the back of the head. At least, that was what it sounded like.

Whatever happened, I now knew that Cash and I were not alone in the room the way I’d thought we had been.

I took two more large steps into the room, then looked across the room to where Aiden and Brennan were standing and trying to act like they weren’t there. Dante had a huge, shitty grin on his face.

“Fuck,” I spat under my breath, turning on my heel and heading straight for the door.

“Gemma,” Cash called, but I wasn’t stopping. I heard him scramble up from the couch and say, “Shut the fuck up, Dante.”

Clearly, I could no longer stay in that house.

What the hell was wrong with me?

When was I going to learn that I needed to take the temperature of a room before outing every fucking thing in my head?

“Gemma, wait.” His voice was a lot closer all of a sudden.

Cash’s hand wrapped around my elbow before I reached my car and stopped my escape.

“Hey, what was that about?” he asked with the concern he always had when I was spazzing out and awkward.

“Your mom said everyone was outside setting up. I didn’t think anyone would be in the house.”

“I don’t care about that.”

“I do.”

Averting my eyes, I was doing the absolute best I could to keep from crying. That was horrible and I never wanted to face those guys again.

Especially Dante.

I thought the other two would be content to never mention it again, but Dante would definitely bring it up, even if he did it jokingly. He had grown up in a world where bad things didn’t happen.

“Come here.” He sighed, pulling me toward him.

Just feeling his body against mine helped calm me down. I loved that he had that effect on me.

“Is there somewhere we can talk without an audience?” I asked because even though I’d screwed this up already, I did still have to talk to him about it.

“Yeah, of course.”

Cash led me back inside, which wasn’t where I wanted to go, but I followed anyway. He was with me and he’d keep anything or in this case, anyone from hurting me, even with words.

Up the stairs we went.

Unfortunately, we’d only climbed halfway when the guys saw us. I noticed them out of the corner of my eye and hoped that if I didn’t look at them fully, they wouldn’t see me. Sadly, that wasn’t the case.

“Hey,” Dante called out with a laugh. “There’s no rope up there.”

Someone else said something I couldn’t make out, then there was a crash and a grunt and a few noises I couldn’t place. The boys policed each other.

We got to the top but didn’t stop there. He took me up another set of stairs that led to the attic. It had been converted into a bedroom that looked like a little apartment.

“This was Aiden and Brennan’s room when we were growing up. The twins shared, I got my own until I moved out. Now, Dante’s taken over my room downstairs, so I thought this would be a safer bet. Less likely anyone will come up here.”

We sat on the edge of one of the beds up there. This must have been where Brennan and Dakota stayed when they’d visited and by the looks of the two suitcases near the window, I was right.

I was still worried.

“Trust me when I tell you Aiden and Brennan aren’t going to let that little shit up here. No one down there can hear us.”

“How can you be sure?”

He smirked at me and took my hands in his. “Because Brennan and Dakota stay up here when they visit and nobody’s ever heard anything.”

I rolled my eyes. There were other reasons no one would hear them have sex. “But maybe they don’t—”

He cut me off with a cheeky grin. “I know my brother. Trust me. He’d try to keep quiet but he’s not going to skip sex because they’re visiting.” Cash wet his lips before continuing. “So what was that about? I can’t tie you up. Do you think I want to?”

“I… don’t know. Some people do.”

He snorted. “I know. Come on. Out with it.”

I took a big breath and blew it out slowly.

“Dr. Peters told me to think of something I’ve done that I did because I had to but didn’t enjoy. Like at all. Like couldn’t imagine ever enjoying. She said it could be anything.” I glanced up from our hands to find his eyes watching my every move. I swallowed hard before continuing.

This was incredibly difficult to talk about.

“There was this guy.” I looked away. Every reveal of something I’d done before made me a little ashamed. Telling him was like torture, even though I knew it wouldn’t change his mind. Maybe that was my parents’ final humiliation. Me telling him. “Anyway, he liked to tie me up and I hated every damn minute of it. I hated that I couldn’t say no and I hated not having control of my body. So, you can’t tie me up.”

“Gemma, when we get there, I want you touching me. I want to feel every part of you and you every part of me. I wouldn’t dream of keeping you down like that.” He ran a hand across my cheek, then down my hair the way you’d soothe a child. “I wish I could find every guy who did something you didn’t want and kick his ass. I’d murder them, but then I’d end up in jail and wouldn’t get to be with you.”

Tears welled in my eyes as he spoke. Threats of violence weren’t supposed to be sexy, yet coming from his mouth, they absolutely were.

“But maybe next time check the entire room out before telling me these things,” he said.

A laugh came out of my mouth like a bark. Cash chuckled too and I absolutely loved that he could take this uncomfortable situation so much better.

“I’m just saying,” he continued. “Explaining some of the things that come out of your mouth can be tricky.”

“I know,” I said. “I told you you’d have to apologize to your family for me. I’m sorry.”

Oh, the humiliation that would come if Dante told his parents.

“No apologies. Got it?”

I nodded.

“We better get out there. I need to have a chat with Dante.”

My eyes grew wide and my mouth hung open. “I’m not going out there. I’m going to go home and hide under the covers for the next few years.”

“Then I’m going to have to go hide with you.” He leaned in for a quick kiss. “Come on. I’ll take care of my brother.”

“Brothers. Don’t forget the ‘s’ on the end of that. They were all there except Dalton,” I said right when we got to the top of the regular stairs.

“Aiden and Brennan won’t be an issue. Aiden knows something’s up with us and Brennan is cool with whatever. He doesn’t ask a lot of questions. He thinks that if we want him to know something, we’ll tell him. I think it might be the doctor in him trying to get out.”

I stopped. “What do you mean Aiden knows something’s up?”

“Just that I’ve talked to him a little.” I thought my eyes were going to pop out of my head and my heart was going to beat out of my chest. “Ok, bring it back in,” he said. “I’ve told him nothing, but we’ve talked about things in a non-specific way. Don’t be mad. Please don’t be mad.” Cash watched me for a moment. “I needed someone to talk to, especially when you needed your space. Or when you tried to break up with me.”

“I’m not mad. Actually, it explains a few things.”

We made our way to the backyard, where I jumped into helping his mother get things ready on her end, mostly so I wouldn’t have to get anywhere near the brothers. Cash released my hand to go over to the guys.

He walked over like he didn’t have a care in the world with his hands jammed into the pockets on his jeans.

“Dante,” he called out, but all those sets of eyes danced up. “Come here for a second.”

Cash hadn’t stopped walking, so he met Dante closer to the group. He snaked an arm around Dante’s neck and dragged him into the barn. The other brothers watched until none of us could see them anymore, then they glanced over at me.

I tried not to squirm under their gazes and I was successful. Then we all went to work.

I wanted to know what Cash was saying to Dante in the barn.

Cash’s grandpa Joe was the first to arrive; Gramps came soon after. Then in no time the cookout was in full swing. Food was being made and eaten. Music was playing and there was laughter all around us and finally, Nick showed up, which made Bianca and Bailey happy.

Dr. Peters was going to be so proud of the way I let go and ate whatever I felt like eating. I didn’t even feel guilty about it either. ’Course, it was half of what most of the others ate. Still. That was progress.

I’d finished a quarter of a sticky bun that Cash told me I had to try; my fingers were completely sticky and I didn’t see a napkin anywhere handy. He and I were standing under the giant tree in the middle of his yard. Without any options, I decided to suck the frosting off my fingers.

I closed my eyes and stifled a moan. It was damn good.

“Quit looking at my sister like that,” Gio said out of nowhere. Sal, Gemma, and Bianca were tagging along behind him.

“Like what?” Cash smirked at him.

“Like you want to see something else in her mouth.” Gio wore his serious face. He might’ve been giving Cash a hard time and nothing more, but it sure as hell didn’t look it.

“Gio.” Bianca gasped, then slapped his arm.

“You’re gross,” I said back but grinned a little at the possibility that Cash was actually thinking about his dick in my mouth.

“I’m a guy. I know that look. Sal?”

“Yeah, sorry, Cash,” Sal said with a chuckle. “I can’t help you with this one.”

My family is a bunch of idiots.

Bailey jumped in. “Oh, like you’re one to talk.” That girl knew how to be a friend. “Leave the poor girl alone.”

“Eeww… ” I didn’t like the image that conjured up. “TMI, Bailey. TMI.”

We were all laughing by then.

This right there was one of the best memories I had when it came to families.

It was sad that it had taken me twenty-one years to get a good one, but there it was. Most of the people around weren’t even related, but sometimes, you had to turn your back on the one you’d been born into and pick your own damn family.