Chapter Twelve

 

Cash stayed where he was as my body relaxed into the mattress, then kissed the inside of my thigh again, this time sucking gently and making his way back up to me. His lips swept across my neck, but honestly, I could barely feel them.

My body had not reconnected with my brain yet. In the past, I’d never let a guy go down on me for very long. Long enough for them to be convinced that they’d done the job, then I’d fake an orgasm and we’d get on with it. Those guys had really had their egos stroked. I could see it in their faces, how cocky they were that they had been able to make me come so quickly.

They hadn’t. They never had.

Sometimes, I felt bad because they’d leave thinking that they were the man and in reality, I had no idea whether they were or not. Now, while I was happy and feeling great, there was a tiny gnawing in the back of my mind that my parents had stolen this from me as well.

Not anymore.

“You OK?” he whispered into my ear.

I nodded because again, no brain. Then, that damn organ started to work again. Holy shit. I’d had my first orgasm. I’d let Cash touch me in a way that had only ever made me cringe before.

My breathing became more rapid and I needed to get out of there. I needed a few minutes to myself to breathe. I recognized the signs of panic and wanted to get myself back under control before making a fool of myself. I didn’t want to do that in front of him.

“I’ll be right back,” I said, hopefully not too loudly.

I hopped up, forgetting that I didn’t have any shorts on, and bolted for the bathroom, shutting the door quickly behind me. First, I splashed some cold water on my face, which helped a little.

Next, I sat down bare-assed against the cold tile. My tub was separate from the shower and there was a half wall behind the tub near the linen closet. That was where I hid. Because even I couldn’t lie to myself and say I wasn’t hiding. That way if Cash happened to open the door, I’d have a few seconds to recover before he saw me.

In and out.

I took breath after breath, slowing down my heart rate. There was nothing wrong with what we’d done. It was normal. Normal people did this all the time. It wasn’t something Cash did to me in the way people had done things to me before. No. This had been for me and he’d expected nothing in return.

It was Cash I had to focus on.

I must’ve been there longer than I thought because eventually Cash knocked lightly on the door and called my name. I didn’t respond. He called again, then opened the door slowly. I took another calming breath before he could get to me.

“Gemma?” His voice sounded confused when he didn’t see me. “Gemma?” His voice was much closer. He found me. “Hey.” He slid down next to me. He sighed and ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “Did I go too far?”

“No,” I said too quickly, making him smile. “No. You’re great.”

“So what happened?”

I let my head fall against the wall and closed my eyes. I knew I was going to have to tell him but didn’t know where to start.

“That your first orgasm?” he asked when I said nothing.

“Well, I think that’s obvious.”

He shrugged. “You didn’t like it?”

“That’s not the issue.” I opened my eyes to stare at the wall but could see Cash right beside me watching. Waiting.

“Then what?”

“It was… overwhelming. I needed a minute.”

“Well, I am pretty awesome at it,” he said with a laugh.

I jabbed him in the side with my elbow. He wasn’t lying, obviously, but the fact that he could joke about it still took some getting used to.

“Gemma, how is it that you’ve done everything you have and never had an orgasm? Seriously, I need to know.”

I sighed, then stood up. His eyes followed me after he quickly glanced at my naked bottom half, then he stood. Maybe it was easier for him to focus if he could more clearly see my face.

When I got back into the bedroom, I slipped my panties and shorts on. I’d feel better being covered for this conversation.

“I faked it. A lot.”

“Why did you do that?”

“I didn’t want to be with them, Cash. I didn’t enjoy it. I wanted it over. Very few guys did that to me and I was so uncomfortable that I pretended to come almost immediately so it’d be over.” I dropped onto the bed. “Which was stupid because then I had to every single damn time. They thought I was easy that way.” My eyes stupidly filled with tears. “But that”—I pointed at my bed—“was the best experience of my life. It was overwhelming but wonderful. I’m sorry if I scared you.”

Stupid honesty.

Cash stalked toward me, squatted down in front of me so we were eye-to-eye, and took my hands in his.

“Thank you for telling me. But, Gemma, do me a favor. Don’t ever fake it with me.”

I swallowed hard.

“I need to know if what I’m doing is working because if it isn’t, I won’t do it again. I want everything we do to feel good for you. Understand?”

I nodded while biting my bottom lip. He was perfect.

“So do I get to repay the favor?” Because that I knew how to do well.

“Baby steps, remember?”

I rolled my eyes and chuckled.

I suddenly felt completely exhausted and yawned. My hand slapped over my mouth because I hadn’t meant to yawn. Cash laughed and took me to bed.

It was a little weird having someone in my bed at first, but I quickly got used to it. He was warm and comfortable and I snuggled right into him. Cash picked up a section of my hair and let it run through his fingers again and again until I was completely out.

I woke first in the morning to see a peaceful Cash still next to me. I took the opportunity to really look at him, at every inch of his face.

He was actually beautiful.

As if he felt me creepily watching him, Cash’s eyes slowly opened. He had a little smile on his face, like he already knew where he was and who was with him. Which he probably did.

I began to think that I was the only one who spent the night with someone, then woke up terrified as to where I was and who I was with. Oh, and worried that I might have talked in my sleep. No one had ever said I did—it was my own insecurity over keeping my cover when I’d been working.

I’d had moments in my previous life when I’d woken up and forgotten where I’d been, whom I’d been with, and some of the things I’d done. I hated that I had those memories. Unlike with Cash in this moment—I was happy he was there and felt relaxed—when I’d realized all those things with the other guys, it hadn’t brought me comfort or happiness. Usually, it had made me want to jump off a bridge.

“Morning,” he said.

“Morning.” I smiled, stretching as far as my body would let me go.

“I have to go to work,” he said, like he really didn’t want to go. “And I have to change first so I hate to sleep and run, but …”

“I understand. I’m supposed to be at Sal’s already.”

“Look at us being a bad influence on each other.” He laughed.

I joined in but hopped up to get dressed. I’d had a shower the night before at his house, so I could skip that part. But it was exceedingly difficult to continue getting ready when all I wanted to do was watch Cash as he slipped out of my bed and started putting his own clothes on. I wanted to take them back off, to be honest.

“I’ll get your car taken care of today, too,” he said as he buttoned his jeans. “I told Phil to leave it and I’d be in to do the change myself. He has the tires.”

“Let me get you my credit card.” I moved toward the door. The card was in my wallet in my purse downstairs. Next to the pile of probably-still-wet clothes I hadn’t taken care of.

“Don’t worry about it. He gives us an excellent deal. I got it.”

“You don’t—”

“I’m doing this. But I do have to go.” He settled me against the dresser so I didn’t have any way to escape, but the movement didn’t scare me. I didn’t want to have anywhere I wanted to go. His hands gripped my hips as he invaded my personal bubble. It was a welcome invasion. “You’re not busy tonight, right?” he asked.

“I think there’s this guy I have plans with. I’m not sure, but it seems to be implied.”

“You do have plans. Every damn day.”

His kiss left me breathless and wanting to do things other than go to work. Alas, I had committed to this thing and was determined to follow through.

Since he only worked Saturday morning, we spent the weekend with various members of Cash’s family. Sal and Gio had to go to Chicago for a few days, so Bianca and Bailey went with them.

For the first time when they left, I didn’t feel abandoned. I knew that was stupid, but I had felt abandoned before. They had work to do and girlfriends whom they wanted to spend time with. It was normal. But before Cash and the people I’d met through him, when they’d left, I’d been alone. Unless Gramps had been free. He’d check on me, but I hated that he knew what I used to do, so I’d tried to avoid him a lot of the time.

The second weekend after that amazing night in my room, Cash and I were in the same mindset.

My visits with Dr. Peters were going well and I could already feel a change in the way I thought about everything. She was actually happy when I told her Cash had given me an orgasm and it had been my first. Talking to her was the easiest thing I’d done when I’d expected it to be the hardest.

When Cash had said baby steps, he’d meant baby steps at a snail’s pace. I was feeling bad for the guy. I mean, as far as I knew, he hadn’t had any relief since we’d met over a month before. At least, not from someone other than himself. That image did things to me. Made me feel warm and I couldn’t help the smile that crossed my face every time I thought of Cash rubbing himself while, hopefully, thinking of me.

Picturing my boyfriend masturbating was the worst thought to have as we sat at Bill’s with Aiden and Haley having a beer, though I was only drinking water. My cheeks started to burn and I hoped once again that no one else would notice.

I should’ve known better because Cash watched me like a freaking hawk.

“What are you thinking about?” Cash asked against my ear before leaning back with a smirk.

“Nothing,” I said too quickly. No way I could tell him that.

“Something. You’re blushing.” He said that louder than I would have liked.

My eyes bugged out as I silently told him to shut his mouth.

Aiden and Haley both brought their attention to me. I didn’t like all the staring.

But fucking Aiden seemed to think he knew what I was thinking. That was what his little grin told me. I narrowed my eyes on his, which caused him to let out a laugh that confused his girlfriend and my boyfriend.

“Can I tell you later?” I pled. There was no way Aiden knew specifically, but he knew it had something to do with Cash.

“I look forward to it,” Cash said back, his voice low and full of innuendo.

Asshole.

I noticed that in more recent weeks he liked to make me follow through on the things I said, which I didn’t mind. It was what I needed. But the stuff that embarrassed me, he seemed to take some extra pleasure in.

“Are you sure you don’t want something other than water?” Cash asked again. He’d already asked three times.

“I’m good. I like water.” It was great for my skin and helped me feel full, so I didn’t overeat. Yikes. Even I recognized that as my mother’s voice in the back of my head. “ Plus, I’ve never had any kind of alcohol before, so I wouldn’t know where to start.” I’d pretended to have a drink, or several, plenty but none of that actually made it down my throat.

“Never?” Haley didn’t look like she believed me. How to explain that?

Since she and I had become friends, as far as I became friends with anyone, I decided to keep my answer close to the truth.

“I wasn’t allowed. My mother was pretty strict with me.”

Cash sucked in a breath and his muscles went rigid. He hated my parents only slightly less than I did. This was his normal reaction whenever anything having to do with them came up.

“Yeah, but you went to college.” She was pushing me because she didn’t believe me. I wished I was lying to her—that would have been easy.

“Didn’t matter.” I shrugged her argument away.

Because it didn’t matter. I couldn’t lose any kind of control or be inebriated in any way for fear I might slip and tell the mark something I shouldn’t have. Sal and Gio did not abide by that rule, at all, but I couldn’t afford to step out of line. They were doing things to people but I was having things done to me. It wasn’t the same. It would have been extremely dangerous for me to not know what was going on.

“Here.” Cash handed me his bottle of beer. When I hesitated, he leaned in close and said, “I got you, Gemma. I’m not going to let anything happen to you. Promise.”

I already knew that about him. So I put the bottle to my lips and tipped it back. The taste was unfamiliar, sort of acidy and cold. I pulled it back quickly and coughed. “Gross.”

The other three at my table burst into laughter.

Haley threw a napkin at him. “Cash, start her off with something fruity. I mean if she wants to try something.”

I didn’t try anything else that night mostly because I didn’t want to and I had to smile at that. I didn’t want to, so I didn’t.

When we got back to my place, he didn’t make a move to leave. It wasn’t late, but he hadn’t spent the night again, although he’d coaxed three more orgasms out of me.

All excellent.

After one, I all but lost my hearing, which he assured me was probably normal but I was ready to head into the emergency room or call Haley because she was a nurse. Calling Haley would have been humiliating, so I would have gone to the ER. On the upside, I didn’t lose my shit over it. I waited and as that jelly-like feeling subsided, my hearing came back. I knew I was OK.

We both dropped onto the couch, me leaning back against him, his arm securing me to his chest.

“So out with it. What made you blush at the bar?” he asked after I thought he’d forgotten about it.

I sort of had the knack for putting things out of my mind, so I hadn’t thought about it again.

“You’re really going to make me tell you?” I looked back and up at him.

“I’m not going to make you do anything, but I’d like to know if you’d like to tell me.”

I found a spot on the wall across the room to stare at. I was going to tell him because I loved that he wanted to know but I didn’t want to watch him while I did it. I took a deep breath and listened to Dr. Peters’ advice about living my own truth and sharing that truth with others.

“I was thinking about you.” That wasn’t going to be enough. I don’t know why I even tried it.

“Me?” he asked. I could hear the smile in his voice. “And that made you blush?”

“It was how I was thinking about you.”

“Which was?” When I didn’t answer right away, he pushed me up, then turned me around so I’d be facing him.

If I was facing him, it was likely I was looking at him. That was the downfall of your boyfriend being beautiful.

“Sexy stuff,” I said.

His smile grew exponentially. I wanted to slap it off his face. It was cocky too, but he’d earned the cockiness.

“Sexy stuff?”

“Fine.” I groaned and rolled my eyes at him. How he was able to get everything out of me the way he did was frustrating. “I was thinking about what you do for me, but the fact is you get nothing in return and that must be hard.”

“Oh it’s hard frequently.”

Now I did smack his shoulder.

“Ow.” He laughed. “So that made you blush?”

“Not exactly.” I bit my bottom lip, unable to believe that I was going to say it. “I was thinking about how you might take care of that issue yourself and that was what heated me up.”

“I can see that.” He nodded slowly. “I know it turns me on to think about you touching yourself.”

“But I don’t.”

His eyes narrowed. “Never?”

I shook my head.

“So I literally get all of your orgasms?”

I blushed even more than I already was but still nodded.

“Well, I love that.”

“You have to let me do something for you,” I said. “No sex still, right?”

He groaned but nodded his head. It was like he was trying to punish us or something. He made it clear we weren’t doing the deed yet but didn’t say why, even when I asked. He’d say something that made sense at the time, but I hated that it made sense.

“Then you leave me no choice.”

His face tightened in confusion. Instead of talking, I stood and pulled him up beside me.

His eyes never left mine and I was fine with that. I kept the connection between the two of us as my fingers went to work on the button holding his pants in place. That popped open and I had the zipper down before it clicked in his mind.

“Gemma.” He grabbed my elbows. “I don’t need—”

“Shut up,” I said softly.

He held on to me for another minute then let go.

Before the next step, I glanced over my shoulder to make sure the curtains were closed. They were, so this was happening. I pushed his pants down as far as I could; his boxers went too. When his erection sprung free, I looked away from his face. I needed to see him.

Of all the times he’d seen me naked, learned my body, knew every inch as well as he could, he’d always kept his boxer briefs firmly in place. As if he didn’t trust himself. Well, he didn’t need to now. He needed to trust me.

When I touched the soft skin of his erection, he jumped. As if he hadn’t been expecting it. I glanced back up. Cash was a thing of beauty. His head had fallen back and his hands fisted at his sides.

Then, I slid down onto my knees. It wouldn’t have mattered, but Cash was pretty impressive as far as my experience went. Not “holy shit is that gonna fit” huge, but he definitely had more than he actually needed. The nickname Tree Trunk now made all the sense in the world.

I stroked him up and down, then did what I’d been thinking about for a while. Flicking my tongue out, I licked from bottom to top. Cash groaned and fisted my hair, I thought involuntarily. I didn’t need any further encouragement. Actually, I didn’t need any in the first place.

I took him in my mouth fully and did what I knew to do. What I had become very skilled at doing. Of all the times I’d done this to a guy, it hadn’t been because I’d wanted to. It had been expected, required even, but never enjoyable. With Cash all that fell away.

Every sound he made pushed me farther, faster. I wanted to be here, on my knees in front of him giving him some of the pleasure he gave me, and hearing him made me want to give him even more. My mouth slid up and down, my tongue caressing the underside. His fingers were tight in my hair, holding, but not forcing me to move. I had to see him. I looked up at him, only to find him staring down at me, brown eyes on fire.

He was getting close. The signs were all there. The rapid breathing, the tightening of his fists even more, the hardening in my mouth. It only took another two moves to push him over the edge.

To my surprise, he used his grasp on my hair to pull me away and he fell out of my mouth, marking my chest instead.

Cash fell back onto the couch with a sound in his throat that I didn’t recognize but made me smile anyway. I quickly wiped my mouth against the back of my hand, then pushed up to my feet.

“I’ll be right back,” I whispered before jogging into the kitchen.

I grabbed the nearest towel and wiped off all the evidence he’d left on me. He’d mostly missed my shirt, the benefit of a scoop neck then I was back and ready to join him before his breathing had returned to normal. He’d pulled his boxers and pants back into place but didn’t fasten them back up.

We sat there quietly. I curled into the side of him, my head resting on his shoulder so I could snuggle into his neck. He held me so tightly.

“You weren’t kidding when you said you were good at that,” he said before kissing the top of my head.

“You should always listen to me on this stuff.”

“I will. Scout’s honor.”