Chapter Fifteen

 

Once at my house, I went to put on pajamas, which was a tank top and boy shorts. Yes, I may have planned that out because I still hadn’t figured out the reason behind why Cash wouldn’t have sex with me yet.

I was more than ready to jump into that arena with him—I wanted to jump full force, but he always put a halt to it, though we’d done almost everything you could without having sex. Almost because there was no penetration involved, at his insistence, so even his fingers stayed on the outside.

When I came out of the bathroom, Cash was again already stripped down and under the covers on my bed. It was too much to hope he’d be naked under there.

I gave him a nice long kiss goodnight. One that didn’t say goodnight at all. One that I hoped he’d act on, but alas, he did not. He let me sink down into the mattress and put his arm around my waist. What killed me was I could feel that spooning me wasn’t what was on his mind, yet he wouldn’t act on anything more.

The room was dark and the curtains were pulled so the only thing keeping the room from being completely pitch black was the little nightlight I kept on in the bathroom so I didn’t maim myself in the middle of the night should I need to use the facilities.

“Why don’t you want to have sex with me?” I finally asked, absolutely glad he couldn’t see my face.

I’d thought it so many times but hadn’t put it out there like that. Dr. Peters had said I needed to. When I wanted to know something, the only way to get an answer was to ask the question, even if that meant I wouldn’t always like the answer.

No matter Cash’s answer, I knew I was going to hate it because it led to him still not being with me.

“It’s not that I don’t want to, Gemma. I’m pretty sure you can feel how much I want to right now.” He sighed, then rolled away from me to turn on the little lamp on the nightstand.

It wasn’t exactly bright but there was enough light that I knew he could see me if I turned toward him.

I had no plans to do that.

“It is,” I said quietly. “Or it’s that you won’t. I feel like I’ve given signals that I want to be with you, but you’ve shut me down at every turn. Are you trying to say you haven’t?”

“No,” he said, his hand sliding down my arm. “I’m not saying that. I have put a stop to things going too far.”

“But why?” I felt the tears burning my eyes. “If you don’t want me that way, why are you with me? Is it that you’re afraid I’m too fragile to break up with? Because if that’s it, then just tell me, Cash.”

The tears I’d been trying to hold back broke loose. I should’ve let him sleep. He’d already been awake almost twenty-four hours and didn’t need to deal with my brand of crazy.

“Really, tell me because I’m in love with you and I don’t think I can handle—” Being jerked around so we were facing stopped me from completing that sentence.

“What did you say?” His eyes burned into mine.

At first, I didn’t know if he was angry or turned on, but that burning lit a fire in me.

“That I can’t handle—”

“Not that part and you know it.” He leaned a hip into mine.

I thought about what he’d said for a few seconds and I realized what I’d said, then swallowed hard. I’d said it.

“That I’m in love with you?” It came out like a question.

“You love me,” he said with a smile.

I was going to say something back to him but didn’t have the chance. His mouth descended on mine before I could form the first word. His lips moved hotly against mine, pushing them apart so that his tongue could slip through to find mine.

I kissed him back with an equal intensity, but he slowed way down. Instead of forceful and full of need, our mouths became slow and full of want. He wanted me, I wanted him, and we were in love.

Cash pulled away from me, drawing a protest.

I thought he was shutting this down again and we hadn’t even gotten started. Actually, I should’ve shut it down myself, given how tired he’d been when we’d come to bed.

Instead, he slid his hands up my sides underneath my tank top and pulled until it was over my head, then threw it on the floor. He leaned back, taking me in and the thought of his eyes on my bareness caused more desire than I’d ever felt before to shoot through and wake up my entire body.

“Cash,” I whispered. “You’re exhausted.”

He shook his head. “I’m wide awake.”

His lips descended again, tasting and nipping at the skin down my neck until he could suck each nipple in his mouth one at a time.

I threaded my fingers into his hair because I needed to touch him.

Much too soon he lifted off me, balancing his weight on one arm, his hand cupping my cheek and running his thumb over my lips.

“You tell me if you need me to stop.” His words sounded strangled.

A lump formed in my throat. There wasn’t a chance in hell I was going to tell him to stop. I nodded anyway so he knew I knew that I could if I wanted to.

Those lips worked across my skin, his tongue shooting out to lick his way down my stomach. My legs started to shake with anticipation as his fingers slipped into those boy shorts, yanking them down my legs.

Cash made his way between my legs, his shoulders pushing my knees apart. It was the first time I’d been totally naked in front of him and the first time I didn’t actually feel naked in my entire life. His tongue ran across my most sensitive area seconds before a finger slipped inside me.

It had been over a year since I’d had sex. I wasn’t sure if that meant I’d re-virginized, but even a finger felt foreign. Yet he moved it so skillfully and added a second at the right moment that I quickly grew accustomed. His tongue work in tandem with his fingers. I tugged his hair on accident when he hit a particularly good spot.

I couldn’t help it. That feeling, the one only he’d made me feel, built and built until I thought I was about to lose my mind.

His name slipped from my lips over and over because I didn’t think I could take much more of it. It was too much, too much and not enough all at once. And then the world exploded. My world.

My world that consisted only of me and Cash and what he was doing to my body. What I wanted him to be doing to my body. My back arched off the bed, but I had no control. None whatsoever.

I couldn’t even see what was happening because my eyes closed so tightly that a crowbar couldn’t get them to open. I’d swear I saw stars at one point. He kept stroking the fire until all of the embers receded and grew cold. Not too cold but until I wasn’t on the verge of orgasm again.

His mouth nipped at the inside of my thigh while I tried to make sense of where and when I was. He may have sent me through the space-time continuum with the way my brain wasn’t functioning.

And then he grounded me.

Cash slid his fingers from my body, licking and sucking his way back up where he kissed me with everything he had. I was already breathless and this kind of kiss made me lightheaded. I pulled back so I could bring in some oxygen.

“Hold on one second,” he said, his lips still touching mine.

“No.” I cried out. “You don’t get to stop this time.”

He chuckled. “I’m not. I have to grab a condom.”

Well, that made sense. I let my hands loosen on his shoulders so he could lift off of me completely. I heard him rustle with his jeans, but I didn’t see it because I was staring at a spot on the ceiling trying to breathe like a normal person and not like the weirdo I sounded like. It was my little gasps of air filling the room.

Cash was back. Naked and between my legs.

He leaned down to kiss me again and this time I could actually kiss him back because I wasn’t about to pass out. He burned trails over my skin. His hips ground into mine, starting to work me back up again. Then finally, slowly but finally, Cash pushed himself into me.

The movement took me by surprise only because, while I’d been expecting it, it had been so long that I’d forgotten what that sensation felt like.

Who was I kidding? I’d never felt like that in my life.

Once he worked himself all the way in, Cash stilled. Whispering how much he loved me in my ear. Telling me I was beautiful and everything to him. I wanted to say those things back, but once again, speech defied me.

It wasn’t going to happen.

After holding there for who-knew-how-long, Cash pulled his hips back and pushed in again, working into a rhythm so slowly, I wanted to grab his hips and force him to move faster. When I tried, he was stronger.

“There’s no hurry,” he said again quietly, then held himself up on one elbow and gazed down at me.

I tried so hard to keep that eye contact, but he rolled his hips so deliciously that I couldn’t. When I looked back at him, his eyes were cast down, watching himself disappear inside me.

Seeing that, knowing he had all of me in that moment, my body tensed again. I thought the coming orgasm would make him speed up, but it didn’t. He pushed and pulled slowly right through the orgasm.

“Cash,” I said breathlessly.

He needed to get moving, but at the same time what he was doing was perfect. I wanted this to go on forever.

“Cash,” I said again, pleading with him. “Cash, Cash, Cash,” came out in rapid succession.

That was all it took. He couldn’t hold on anymore. His muscles tightened as mine loosened. I felt like I was made of jelly while he grunted his way to his own release, then thrust several times more before stopping completely. Cash’s head fell against my shoulder as both of our chests heaved.

My heart wanted to explode the way my body had twice already.

I loved Cash so much it literally hurt.

“Two seconds,” he said against my ear, then disappeared into the bathroom.

Loving Cash wasn’t the only thing hurting my heart. Sex had never been like that for me, which meant I’d never made love to anyone in my life until now. Logically, that made sense. I hadn’t loved the guys who’d come before. But this was the kind of thing that had been taken from me. If not for my brother, I might never have experienced anything like it.

Sliding up, I rested my back against the pillows that had been pushed up against the headboard. I brought my legs up, crossing them in front of me and wrapping my arms around them. The tears that had started burning my eyes before Cash had finished couldn’t be held back a moment longer. They let go like a fucking damn breaking into an unsuspecting town. A sob wanted to burst out, but I covered my face with my hands to keep it in.

Of course, because I had the absolute worst luck, Cash came out of the bathroom, causing me to glance up and I saw him freeze.

Then the waterworks started even harder.

Cash was on the bed, sitting beside me with his boxers firmly in place, looking for answers. “Hey, hey, hey. What’s going on? I was gone two seconds.”

What was I supposed to tell him?

How could I explain things, especially when I was to the point of being worried I’d lose him? Fuck. The only positive thing I could see in this situation was that I wasn’t full-on ugly-cry sobbing.

It was a normal cry.

“Gemma, what’s wrong?” he asked. I didn’t answer him. “If I did something …”

“You didn’t.” That got me out of my own head. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You did everything exactly right.”

“Then why are you crying?”

I bit my lips together.

“Seriously, I’m going out of my fucking mind right now. Gemma.” He urged me on gently but firmly.

And he was right.

I had to say something because this was weird and he deserved to know.

“I didn’t… ” I took a big breath and let it out slowly, calming my nerves. “I didn’t know it could be like that, Cash. I mean, obviously, I’ve never experienced being with someone in such a wonderful way, but I didn’t even know it existed.”

Cash’s jaw tightened.

“How fucked up is that?” I continued. “I didn’t know that people have something like that in their lives every time they have sex. I can see why Gio wanted out after Bianca. How could you go back to what we did once you know something like this exists?”

“Oh, Gemma.” Cash pulled me to his chest and held me tightly in his arms, kissing the top of my head several times before pulling back. He cupped my face, thumbs gently stroking my lips. “You’re not going back.”

“I know, but—”

“No, listen. You’re never going back to the life you used to have. For a lot of reasons. First, your parents are in prison. Second, Gio and Sal would never allow it to happen. And third, I’d have to be dead and buried because I would burn the world to keep you safe and happy,” he said with such certainty, I had no choice to believe him. “And I don’t plan on dying any time soon. You’re completely stuck with me.”

He let my face go so I could wipe the tears from my face.

“I want to be stuck with you.”

“Good. We’re in agreement then.” Cash slid down, wrapping his arms around me. I felt safe, protected, and happy right there with him. “I do have something to tell you, though.”

My body tensed before letting go again. Tense was its normal reaction.

“It isn’t like that every time, Gemma. Everyone doesn’t have that.”

I tilted my head back to get a look at him. Even though I tried to figure out what he meant, he was going to have to explain it using tiny words if necessary.

“You know how many people I’ve been with and that they were all girlfriends, but it has never in my life felt like what we did.”

“What do you mean?”

“Being with you, being inside you, I honestly felt like I’d died and gone to heaven. There wasn’t anywhere I’d rather be. I could stay there forever. It wasn’t like that before. And I’m pretty sure that it’s not like that most of the time for a lot of people.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m in love with you. That makes everything more. I’ve cared about people, but I’ve never been in love. Until now. And you just fucked my world. I can’t ever go back. I don’t want to ever go back. I only want you.”

Tears fell for a different reason this time.

Even after everything I’d done, someone loved me. Someone cherished me. My heart swelled, then burst apart only to swell again.

Gio had bitched about going when he’d been assigned to Romano’s last year. He’d vented and threatened not to go—privately of course. But now I was thinking it had been the best thing to happen to any of us.

After getting dressed again, Cash and I laid back down, pulling the blanket up to cover us. It wasn’t cold, far from it, but being there in our own little cocoon was the best place I could think to be.

He didn’t click the light off and when I asked him he said he didn’t want it so dark he couldn’t see me but promised he’d take care of it before he fell asleep. I knew he had to be tired since he’d been up most of the night before.

Yet still he was willing to spend his time looking at me.

“Was Shay one of those girlfriends?” I asked because this was my new thing, asking questions. I still felt weird initiating awkward conversations, but it had worked really well a little bit ago.

“What?” he asked sleepily. His face was drawn down in exhaustion when he’d been lying on the couch at his parents’ house earlier.

Still, he’d played football and stayed awake for the fireworks, not to mention the energy we’d expelled.

I should have let him sleep.

“Shay. Dante said she was the first girl to see your tree trunk. Was she one of the girlfriends you mentioned?”

He groaned. “I’m going to kill that fucking kid.”

But then he sighed. I might be a lot of work sometimes, and I might not even be worth it, but Cash knew that when I had questions I needed answers to. And I was going to do a better job of answering the questions he had.

“No,” he said. “Shay has never been my girlfriend. I haven’t had sex with her. That’s not what he was talking about.” He shifted beside me uncomfortably. “We were ten and curious. She was the only girl I’d known my entire life and I was comfortable with her. That’s all.”

Once I got the giggling under control, I spoke again. “Dante likes to cause trouble, doesn’t he?”

“You have no idea.”

“’Course, I didn’t help things,” I said. Clearly, he didn’t understand what I meant, so it was my turn to be honest. “I was a little surprised when you fell on top of her and didn’t get off right away. Then I thought about what Dante had said and my brain kind of short-circuited. Luckily, Dakota recognized it and helped me out.”

“One day I’m going to make you understand. I don’t know how I’ll do it, but it will happen. You’re the only girl I want. I could have fucked Shay seven ways to Sunday, but you’re all I think about. You’re all I want.” As he spoke, my jaw tensed in a move that I recognized to be very similar to Gio’s and Sal’s when they get pissed. “But I haven’t done anything with her. We looked. We didn’t even touch. We got caught by our parents and this became a stupid story they like to retell sometimes. I promise.” He bit his bottom lips while looking down at me with a gleam in his eye I now completely recognized. “Say it again.”

“I love you, Cash Waterford.”

“You have no idea how long I’ve waited for you to say that.”

“Wait.” I shot up next to him. “Is that what you were waiting for? To have sex with me?”

“I wanted you to actually love me before we made love. Get it straight, Gemma; we don’t have sex. Sex doesn’t feel like what we did.”

“What we did?” I asked, throwing him a confused look, completely on purpose. “What did it feel like?”

“I know you haven’t forgotten.” He got on his knees and pulled my hips until I was lying down again. “But I’m happy to show you again.”

It was like the first time.

He made me feel beautiful and wanted and better than I ever had. I could only hope I did the same for him.