Alicia

My mom’s house looks dark and empty today, no cars in the driveway like usual. Her car got taken into the shop, something with the timing belt. Aunt Mel was by earlier, but I can’t help feeling sad for my mother. She’s lonely and only growing sicker. The doctors want to try a new drug, one that has proven to slow down the cancer cells but not without its side effects.

There’re quite a few, including big risks for her immune system. That’s what stops me. I don’t want her suffering any more than she has to. But, at the same time, it pains me to see her worsen as each day passes. I’m afraid she isn’t going to hold out much longer and the thought fills me with so much pain.

How will I survive without the one person who has cared for me the most? Who has been there for me more than anyone else?

I sigh and stare at my mom’s front door. I worked up the courage to text Gabe earlier since he’s been looming around the shelter. I’ve even seen him around the salon. Ruby tells me I’m overreacting, but why is he hanging around? I understand the shelter but the salon? It’s weird. I want to get the dinner over with, so I’m seeing him this weekend.

I kill the engine and hurry out of the car, my phone and wristlet in hand. I bound up the steps, pulling my jacket tighter around me. The cold air is whipping around and it’s like it slices right through me. My curls are buried under my big wool hat, my scarf looped around my neck, and I still feel the bitter winter chill.

Once inside, I call out for mom, locking the door behind me. I drop my crap on the entry table and slide my shoes off. My hat, scarf, and jacket come off next, ending up in a big pile on the floor. Fuck, I’ll get it later.

I sprint up the stairs and into my mom’s room, her body swallowed whole in the middle of her big bed. Her skin is pale, her sweaty hair sticking to her forehead. I bring my hand to her cheek, and she’s burning up. I hurry to the bathroom, grabbing a face cloth and wetting it with cool water. The face cloth is warm a few seconds after patting down her face, so I repeat the process until her skin feels cooler.

I try to wake her up, but she’s sound asleep. I’m scared she’s dehydrated and with all the chemo and radiation she’s going through, she needs to be drinking as much water as she can.

I gently nudge her until her eyes flutter open, not giving up this time. I bring the straw to her lips, prompting her to take a sip.

A moment later, she’s guzzling water, and I pull it away. “Slow down. Small sips, Mom.”

Her eyes fly open and connect with my own, a panicked look on her face. “Alicia? Is that you? You came back?”

I nod, and she settles back down. “I told you I’d be by after my shift. Aunt Mel came by while I was gone, she told me you were in and out of sleep.” I brush the sticky hair away from her face.

Mom shakes her head, her eyes darting around. She’s out of it from the various meds and the fever that’s raging through her body. Yesterday, Aunt Mel and I brought her into urgent care. Her fever had spiked to 104 degrees and both of us were scared shitless.

Turns out she’s fighting an infection. A virus that would normally pass through someone quickly wreaks havoc on my mom. They prescribed antibiotics and painkillers to help her sleep. Unfortunately, the fever has been a tough bugger, rising as soon as the medication wears off. I’m hoping once she passes the twenty-four-hour mark, things will look up.

My gut tells me differently.

As I stand to get a fresh washcloth, Mom darts up, her face as white as a ghost. I grab the bucket we keep next to the bed, making it just in time for her to dry heave into it. Not much comes up, her stomach empty, the act violent.

I rub her back as she shakes, her body heaving with force.

Tears spring to my eyes. I hate seeing her so sick, and I sit by helpless, unable to help her. Unable to make her feel better.

Pain lances through my chest as the tears slip down my cheeks. Once the heaves subside, she falls back to the bed, her breathing heavy and erratic. I squeeze her hands and hurry to the bathroom, getting a warm wet cloth, a cold wet cloth, and a dry towel.

I wipe down her face with the warm cloth first, wiping away any sweat or vomit. I then dry her face and rest the towel beside her. I cool her down with the cold washcloth, her skin warm again. I focus on the task at hand as I swallow over the lump of tears.

Her breathing slows as her eyes flutter shut, sleep taking her. I climb into bed, curling my body around her thin frame. The disease has taken so much from her, left her a shell of herself.

I picture her how she used to look, her body plump, her skin creamy and full of color. Her hair is full and curly, not stringy and limp, and she smiles often, her eyes shining bright.

Tears slide down my face, whimpers escaping from my lips.

I lie there and wish it would all go away.

* * *

“Are you ready for your big dinner date?” Ruby’s face fills my laptop screen, our FaceTime sessions quickly becoming the highlight of my week.

I shake my head, my curls bouncing. “No. I’m nervous as hell.”

“Aw, A, it’ll be okay. I’m dying to know what he wants.” Ruby sips her water, the stunning city view easily seen behind her. Her gorgeous apartment came complete with a sky-high view of Manhattan, her living room windows huge. I’ve yet to visit her, but she gave me the grand tour with her iPad.

“Me too. It’s weird, Rubs. He’s weird.”

“A hot weirdo. Don’t forget that. What gets me is you have this interesting night together, the sexual tension obvious, right? And yet, he makes no move, only to come to the salon a few days later, demanding dinner again. Why couldn’t he talk to you during your star session?”

I laugh. “Star session? More like awkward let me distract myself with your dog session.”

Ruby shakes her head as she covers her mouth, the giggles coming over the line. “Well, so far he checks two of your ‘perfect guy’ requirements. Stars and dogs.”

“I do not have perfect guy requirements.” I roll my eyes and stick out my tongue before I sip my glass of wine. It’s Friday night. I’m curled up on my mom’s couch while she sleeps upstairs, trying to figure out how in the hell I’m going to survive this dinner tomorrow night.

I’ve stayed the night at my mom’s for the past week, ever since she became sick with that nasty infection. She’s finally doing better, the fever gone, but she’s weak and exhausted. She’s missed a week’s worth of chemo, and I’m afraid next week will be hell when she starts up again.

“Oh, you so do, girl. How many times have we had this convo?”

I roll my eyes before taking another sip of my drink. “Yeah, yeah, mom. Whatever.”

“It comes from my heart, you know that, A. Remember that not every guy is an asshole like your dad.”

I look away, memories from my childhood rushing into my head. All of those good memories tainted when I found out the truth. All of his lies exposed, leaving us lost and confused while he carried on with his affairs. My stomach rolls thinking about it all. I’ve been through enough therapy to last a lifetime and while I don’t get upset over what happened any longer, I still have trouble thinking about shit, and I still hold grudges and regrets from my past.

“Don’t forget about Jack.”

“Jack isn’t even worth mentioning. He was a con artist and had you fooled. Anyone would’ve fallen for his horse shit.”

“Of course I fall for it, right? Only further deepening my belief that all men are lying, cheating scoundrels.”

Ruby’s face falls as she shakes her head. “Oh, A. I know men can be selfish pigs, but not all lie and cheat.”

“It’s hard to believe.”

“I know, but isn’t faith what gets us through life? Hopes and dreams, they all lead back to having faith. It gives us something to hold onto. Have faith you’ll find that man who’ll sweep you off your feet. It’s what you want, A. You can tell me no all day long, but I know love is what you dream about. You’ve dreamed about it since we were kids.”

Tears slip down my cheeks, and I wipe them away. Ruby is right. She knows me better than I know myself most of the time.

“Just hear him out, A. What do you have to lose? Maybe he’s good for a fuck? Who knows, but get something out of the deal besides just free dinner. You deserve a wild night, girlfriend. A wild, wild night.” Ruby laughs. “I want all the details.”

I shake my head at her. “You’re crazy, you know that?”

Ruby nods. “Yep. And you love me.”

I grin. “Sure do. So, how’s the job going and your glam city life?”

Our conversation steers toward work and her life in the big city. I listen and pray I’ll be there with her one day.

“And I have a date tomorrow night too.” She winks at me as she fluffs her hair.

“With who?” I gasp. I sit up straighter, glaring at my laptop, giving her my evil eye. “When did this happen?” I’m like a dog begging for a damn bone ready to latch onto any gossip she has. I miss her. So much.

“Well, it’s kind of a funny story.” She grins as she sets her iPad down on her vanity. She starts her nightly cream ritual, her various wrinkle creams spread out before her. Once she hit thirty a couple of years ago, she began her crazy cream ritual. But, she says I’ll be the one crying when I have wrinkles and she has none. “I slipped and fell on my ass last night when walking out of a job interview.” She darts me a look that screams I better not laugh.

Too late.

I burst into loud laughter as I picture her going down on her ass.

“Shut up, girl. It was embarrassing as hell.” Ruby laughs, making me laugh more.

Oh, that girl is unbelievably clumsy, tripping over air half the time.

“You’re okay, right?” I ask between laughter.

“Now you ask that? While you’re still laughing?” She opens a new tube of cream, smearing it on her cheeks. “Yes, I’m fine. All from the hot doctor saving me.” She grins and winks as my mouth drops open.

“What? A hot doctor? Where did he come from?” I pick my mouth up off my lap and grab my wine, gulping down the rest as I brace myself for her tale.

“There I am, spread eagle on the ground, staring at the sky in shock, when the most handsome man appears above me. At first, I thought I was dreaming, knocked out from the fall or something. But then he kept talking to me and waving his hands in front of my face.”

I roll with laughter, gripping my stomach. “Stop, stop, I can’t breathe.”

Ruby rolls her eyes. “He helped me up and while I wiped the drool from my face, he asked me out.”

“Oh God, Rubs, only you.” I catch my breath, watching her move on to brushing her long hair.

“He must’ve loved how I looked on my back.”

We both burst into giggles. Our conversation moves onto other various things, Ruby concerned for my mom and for me taking care of her. It’s close to eleven when we finally grow tired of being on the video chat.

“I want deets from your date tomorrow. All of them.” I wag my finger at her.

“And I want all your deets from your date.”

“I don’t have a date. I have a dinner.”

“Same thing, A.”

“Nah, yours will probably end with sex. Mine won’t.”

“How do you know it won’t? You’re smoking hot and when was the last time you got laid, really?”

“It’s been a while, erm, uh...wait, when was the last time you got laid?”

“A lady never tells. Good night, babe. Good luck tomorrow! I love you.”

“Good night, Rubs, love ya too.”

We click off, and I shut my laptop. My eyes hang heavy, and I decide to call it a night. I make my way upstairs and check on my mom. Her head feels cool, and she snores softly. I tiptoe out and make my way to my old bedroom, now turned into a cute guest room with a queen-sized bed. I sprawl out in the middle and stretch out my legs before turning onto my side and wrapping my arms around my pillow.

Gabe’s face floats into my head, and I can’t help drifting off to sleep with a smile on my face.