Alicia

I move through my days, going through the motions but not fully being there. A week has passed, but it feels like months. A couple of days were spent at the salon. The rest of the time I’ve been with my mom. She was moved to hospice care, and I helped her settle in. I often sit with her for hours, taking in as much time with her as I possibly can.

Mom is weaker every day, and it kills me to see her this way. So, I bring in my beauty supplies and give her a makeover. It seems to make her feel better, her smile brightening my day. We play cards and board games from my childhood and laugh over memories and pictures.

I’m going to miss her so much. My heart is slowly breaking, the cracks getting larger every day. Since the day I was told her cancer was terminal, I’ve been slowly mourning her, yet at the same time not accepting anything going on around me.

Gabe and Kayla added to the stress on my heart and when the day comes where Mom lets go, I’m afraid my heart will shatter into so many pieces, I’ll never be able to put it back together again.

Gabe and I haven’t spoken since I hung up on him, and I doubt we will. I knew it was going to end eventually so might as well face it.

I haven’t gone to the shelter. I can’t bare it with Kayla gone. I want to find her, take her home with me, but instead she’s gone. All of the adoption information is confidential, therefore I’ve no idea where she is.

All of this stress is wearing on me. I’m exhausted, and my appetite is gone.

I want to go back to my quiet life. My mom’s healthy, I’m not attached to anyone, and life moves along. Peacefully.

Now, I feel as if I’m drowning from the weight of everything, unable to find my way to the top. I can’t breathe, my chest heavy and tight.

I take deep breaths as I watch my mother sleep. Please hold on, a little longer, Mom. It’s all I ask.

I slump in my chair, my head falling to my chest. My heart is breaking. I reach into my jacket for my chocolate. Anything to help.

I grab a tissue off the bedside table and wipe my running nose.

I stare at my mother and my chin quivers, the tears flowing freely now.

How will I ever live without her?

* * *

I jerk awake to loud beeping. Fuck, I fell asleep. I glance around, the beeping getting louder and lights starting to flash.

As I sit up, doctors and nurses rush in, surrounding my mother.

“What…what’s going on?”

A nurse rushes over to me, blocking my view. “Hon, I need you to step outside.”

“No! No, that’s my mother!” I push her aside and rush to the bed.

She grabs my shoulders and leads me out of the room. I want to put up a fight, but I’ve lost the desire to. My body slumps forward, and I leave the room, waiting outside.

I pace in front of the door as the minutes tick by. I wipe my clammy hands on my pants and lick my lips. My heart is frozen in fear. Those sounds, those lights, all those doctors. It’s not good.

No, it’s bad. Really bad.

I slump to the floor, my back pressed to the wall. The sobs take over, the pain already working its way in. I shake my head, my curls bouncing, as I whisper to myself. “No, no, no, not yet.”

A pair of warm arms slip around me sometime later, the scent familiar and comforting. My eyes snap open to see Ruby there, and my sobs start again, as if they never stopped.

“Oh, A. I know it hurts, baby. It’s going to be okay. I promise.”

She hugs me tight, rubbing my head until my sobs subside.

We stand together when the doctor comes out.

He hangs his head as he murmurs, “I’m so sorry. We did everything we could.”

My world goes black. I wail in pain, the cries sounding like screams now.

This can’t be.

No, no…no, it can’t be, it just can’t be.

Mom…

* * *

I’m numb. The days blur together as do the nights. I sit and stare at the wall, only moving to use the bathroom. Ruby stays with me, never leaving my side along with Aunt Mel. We sit and cry and sit some more. Time passes slowly but so fast at the same time. Maddie comes with Jax and their baby, and I lose it all over again.

All of these wonderful people surround me as we mourn together.

So why do I feel so alone?

The one person I want here is not; he’s gone.

The services are tomorrow and it’s going to be hell. At least most of the ones I love are here with me, supporting me and holding me up. More family will be coming in tomorrow, and my aunt Mel rushes around, prepping food and making flower arrangements.

Thank God she can do it because I can’t.

I can barely move.

I can barely hear.

All I do is stare.

And pray.

And hope one day, my heart will beat again.

* * *

“Yes, that’s correct, she granted you the house and all the money left in her estate.”

Aunt Mel squeezes my hand as I wrap my head around the news. She left me her house and all of her money. Mom never wanted to reveal her will, but I knew she’d take care of me. She always has.

It’s bittersweet, to say the least. I’m so happy to hold on to my childhood home, I could never imagine selling it. But it keeps me anchored here. Unable to move on to the city. I feel obligated to stay and take care of this house like my mother wants me too.

I could rent it out or even let it sit empty since it’s paid off. I can come home as a way to escape when I need a break.

The services yesterday were amazing and beautiful. So many people, friends, family, colleagues came out to give their love and condolences. As hard as it was, it was bearable by being surrounded by so many wonderful people.

I still haven’t made peace with it; it’s going to take me a long, long time.

But at least having a proper funeral and burial leaves me with some closure.

Glancing over at Aunt Mel, she smiles at me through her tears. My mom left her money and her car as well. Aunt Mel deserves it and so much more. I’ll never forget what she’s done for my mom and me.

The lawyer steps out, and Aunt Mel grabs my hand. “I know you want to move to New York City and you should. I’ll watch the house, A. You go chase those dreams. I know how much you want to, how much you miss Ruby.”

My own tears slip down my cheeks, hot and burning. I shake my head and whisper, “It feels wrong to leave. I…I need more time.”

Aunt Mel shakes her own head. “I understand that, A. But it’s not wrong to leave. Your mom wants you to. She always did. Don’t hold back, A. If you need time, then sure, take the time. Grieve your mom and celebrate her life. But then you need to find your own and that means chasing your dreams. And that hot man of yours.” She giggles, and I can’t help but chuckle.

“He’s not my man.” I sniff and hiccup.

“Oh, he certainly is. I know love when I see it.”

I look away. Is it love? Do I love Gabe?

I don’t know.

I doubt I ever will.