Chapter Fifteen
The bus ride from Galway back to Dublin had been quiet. They held hands, but didn’t talk. When the sights of Dublin came into view, Maggie thought, We’re home.
She gasped aloud as it hit her. Home. The thought had been so natural, unprompted and genuine. Maybe because it was the longest she’d stayed in any city since recouping after the accident at her parents’ house. Maybe it was because she genuinely loved everything about Dublin. But it was the closest thing to feeling at home in a place than she’d felt in forever. That connection, that tug of her heart… with both the city, and with Colin.
Her eyes ran over his profile, and the buildings beyond, outside the window. Affection surged through her, both for the man and the city.
She could be happy here.
Panic laced through her. God, what was she thinking? What would she do here, besides being with Colin? She was a travel writer, she couldn’t stay in one place. A regular office job? Rent and bills to pay? That wasn’t for her. She had to leave soon. Before all this settled any deeper in her bones or her heart.
When they grabbed their bags and unboarded the bus, Colin turned to her and said, “Free for dinner tomorrow?”
“No,” she said. “I have to write up the weekend. Get more notes in order.”
He looked at her for a long beat, then nodded. “Text me when you’re free, then.” He leaned in, dropped a light, quick kiss on her lips, then hefted his bag over his shoulder and walked away.
She stared after him. He was hurting. She was hurting him, a little more each day. It wasn’t fair to him. None of this was.
Colin McKinnon wasn’t built for a casual affair. She’d tried to break him out of his box, make him something he wasn’t. He was built to dig in deep and care. Because when he gave of himself, he gave everything.
What had she done?
*
By Tuesday night, Maggie missed Colin so much she ached. They hadn’t texted or spoken since getting back from Galway. Going out for dinner by herself didn’t help, it made her feel acutely lonely. It made her miss Colin more. Which was stupid, because it was her own damn fault.
She was avoiding him, hiding from him… she recognized it, and knew it wasn’t right. Self-loathing crept into her blood and stirred. She always thought she was so bold. What a crock of shit. She was running scared, pure and simple, and Colin deserved better from her. Her behavior made her sick.
She was only back in her flat for a few minutes before she texted him. Hi. Where are u?
He responded two minutes later. At the pub.
That was it. No invitation to join him, no inquiry of how she was. He was pulling back too. A burst of anxiety shot through her.
She went to the bathroom mirror to put on mascara and tinted lip balm, re-comb her hair and hustle her ponytail into sleekness. Shoving her phone into her wristlet and her feet into her sneakers, she headed to Reardon’s.
Pushing into the pub, she found it half full with the regulars. She smiled and said hellos as she weaved her way inside. She’d grown to love this place and its patrons. Searching quickly, she spotted Colin at his favorite back booth… sitting with a woman. Light brown hair, her back to Maggie. Colin laughed at something the woman said, and jealousy flared quick and hot in Maggie’s chest.
She should turn around and leave, let him enjoy his evening with the mystery woman. After all, hadn’t she told him more than once that he’d have to have a life of his own once she left? But she couldn’t take her eyes off him.
He laughed again, the rare, genuine smile that lit up his whole face, and her stomach twisted. He was a handsome, sexy, intelligent man with a dry sense of humor and a heart of gold. Of course he’d find someone new after her. She knew it, even if he didn’t. She just couldn’t bear to actually witness it.
As if sensing he was being watched, Colin’s eyes lifted and locked with hers. A warm smile broke across his face and he waved her over.
“Great,” Maggie mumbled. She forced her legs to work, winding through the room until she got to his table. “Hi,” she said, forcing a smile.
“Didn’t expect to see you tonight,” he said.
“Clearly,” Maggie remarked, her eyes falling on the woman across the booth from him. She was closer to his age, pretty, with bright blue eyes and flawless skin, and staring openly at Maggie.
“I didn’t mean to interrupt,” Maggie said, looking back to Colin.
“You’re not.” He shifted over, making room for her on his side of the booth. “Maggie Spencer, this is my favorite sister, Shannon Fitzgerald. Shan, this is Maggie.”
Shannon’s eyes flew wide. “Oh! It’s grand to meet you! Please, sit down.”
Maggie recognized the same bright blue eyes she adored on Colin and swallowed the sting of feeling foolish. She’d practically foamed at the mouth with jealousy when finding him with another woman, and it was his sister, the famous Shannon.
I am officially an asshole, Maggie thought. “You’re sure I’m not interrupting?”
“Not at all!” Shannon said eagerly. “Truth is, he was just talkin’ about ya.”
As Maggie sat beside Colin, he shot his sister a hard look.
Shannon blinked and covered quickly, saying, “He was telling me how you just went to Galway last weekend. I haven’t been there in an age. I really should go, take my daughters shopping, make a weekend away.”
“It’s lovely there,” Maggie said. “I enjoyed it.”
“I did too,” Colin said. He reached for his pint glass and drained what was left.
She could feel the warmth of Colin’s body beside her and her cells rioted. Only forty-eight hours without him, and her body reacted viscerally to his nearness. She wanted to curl into his side and breathe him in, run her hands over his solid frame, and kiss every inch of exposed skin she could see.
If he sensed any of that, he didn’t let on. He was his usual cool, calm self. He’d been enjoying himself with his sister, and also obviously glad to see Maggie. “Want a drink?” he asked her.
“Desperately,” Maggie answered.
The three of them talked for almost an hour. Shannon was full of questions about Maggie’s travels. Maggie found her to be warm, friendly, with a hint of steel that came out when Maggie joked about her being a protective sister.
“I’m more than that,” Shannon assured her. “I’m his best friend. We have each other’s back. Always have, always will.”
Maggie was glad Colin had someone like Shannon in his life. Despite what he said and perhaps felt, Maggie knew Shannon would never let him be truly alone. And she’d be there for him when Maggie left.
Yawning by nine, Shannon left to head back home. She shook Maggie’s hand goodbye, but gave her brother a warm hug. “You’ll call me,” she told him. “Soon.”
“Promise,” he said, tossing her a wink.
Shannon nodded as a silent message passed between them. She wished them a good night, then left.
“She adores you,” Maggie said as soon as she was out of earshot.
“’Tis mutual.”
“You were talking to her about me. About us.”
He nodded and stole a sip of his beer. “Does that bother you?”
“No. I’m glad to know you have a friend to talk to. You’ve mentioned you and she were close, but I didn’t think you’d told anyone about us.”
“My kids know I take day trips with you, that we’re friends. Shannon’s the only one who knows we’re lovers.”
Maggie sat with that for a moment. “Why?”
“Why what?”
“Am I a secret?”
“Several reasons,” he said. “Most of all being what I do is no one’s business but mine.”
“Okay. I know you’re a very private man. But…”
“Yes, I am. And it’s not that I’m embarrassed of you or something like that.” He frowned at her. “Maggie. You’re leaving. No sense in telling people we’re together, when soon, we won’t be. It’s that simple.”
Even though she understood his point, his words felt like tiny sharp digs in her chest.
“Did you tell Ciara about us?” he asked.
“Of course. Weeks ago. Girls need to talk.”
He shrugged. “All right.”
“She’s dying to meet you,” Maggie continued, “but I kept you safe, not to worry.”
He gave her a long look. Then his brows lifted and he glanced away, up to the flat-screen. He watched a few seconds of the rugby match. “So. How’ve you been?”
She wanted to crawl into his lap. “Not so good,” she admitted.
His eyes went back to her face, scouring. “Why?”
“Because I’m crazy about you,” she said. “And I’m all screwed up.”
He stilled, his intense gaze now locked with hers. “You’re not alone in that.”
As if propelled, she closed the gap between them, grasping his face between her hands as she fused her lips to his. He kissed her back, his hands on her hair, and she swayed into him, needing to feel him close.
“Please come home with me,” she whispered against his mouth. “Let’s go.”
“As if I can ever say no to you,” he whispered back.
After a hot, hard, urgent round of sex, they lay entwined in the darkness. She started to drift off… and felt him kiss her forehead, then slowly rise from the bed.
“You’re leaving?” she asked.
“I’ve an early department meeting in the morning.” He reached down, finding his pants on the floor. “No sense in my waking ya early like that.”
“I don’t know what to do about us,” she said plainly. She sat up to look at him.
“There’s nothing to do, love,” he said sadly. He looked around for his shirt. Finding it on the back of her chair, he grabbed it and pulled it on.
“I have feelings for you,” she said. “I do. You’re a wonderful man. But I can’t stay here. I travel, it’s what I do.”
“I know. I fully understand that.” He stared balefully down at her. “Doesn’t mean I don’t love you anyway. Can’t help it. I do.”
A long shudder rolled through her, flipping her stomach.
“That’s all there is to say,” he murmured.
“The hell it is.” She flung back the covers and got out of bed. Standing before him naked, she felt exposed, body and soul, but it was fitting.
“What else should I say, Maggie?”
“Plenty. Like everything else you’re thinking.”
He shook his head and said softly, “You don’t want to hear that.”
“Yes, I do.”
“Really? Then why haven’t I heard a word from you in two days? Why have you been slowly but surely pulling away from me for weeks? You think I haven’t noticed, or felt it? I’m a lot of things, but I’m not a moron.”
She started to pace the room. Since the room was small, she ate up the space quickly, making it seem more like she was spinning in a wild, erratic circle. Then she stopped and said to him, a bit harshly, “Yes, you’re right. I have been doing all that. I’m sorry for it. It’s why I sought you out tonight. We have to talk about this, dammit.”
He kept looking at her. So much going on in his eyes, and she couldn’t make out any of it. Frustration whirled in her chest; she knew this was going to be bad and she hated confrontations, but putting this talk off had done nothing but eat away at her.
“Would you please just fucking say what’s on your mind?” she hissed.
“You’re getting angry.”
“Ah! You noticed.”
“Your anger is misplaced,” Colin said, his voice hardening too. Frowning, the crease between his brows deepened as his jaw set tightly. “You want to hear it? Fine. I love you. Like, crazy in love with you. I wish you could stay in Dublin. I wish we could be together, be a couple, all of that. I want to see you every day, and be inside you every night. See what sharing a life with you would be like. It should scare me, wanting a serious relationship again, but it doesn’t. Not if it’s with you. I just want you.”
He raked his hands through his hair, leaving it mussed as he ground out, “I don’t want you to leave. But you’re going to, you have to—and I can’t, and won’t, stop you. So, tell me, what else is there to say?”
She felt the blood drain from her face. Her heart pounded and she took a step back. “I… I think there’s a lot more to say.”
“Really? Like what? You want me to beg you to stay?” His eyes narrowed as he stepped toward her. “I won’t do that. I’d never do that. I want you more than anything, but you have to want me too. You have to stay because you want to, not out of guilt or obligation. I’ve done that, remember? Stayed with someone out of obligation? It broke me,” he hissed. Eyes flashing, he added sternly, “I could never do that to you. Or to myself. Not again. I won’t.”
She gasped softly. “That’s… Colin… no, that wouldn’t be us.”
“It could be. If you stayed for me, and not for you. And I don’t want you that way. I’m desperately in love with you, but I don’t want you that way.” His eyes glittered as they swept over her face. “I’m rooted here, Maggie. Deep roots. You don’t want roots. You have wings. I won’t clip them.” He gripped her arms and whispered hotly, “I will never pressure you, guilt you, or even ask you to stay. Because I love you too much to do that.”
She swallowed hard to try to clear her throat. The lump there felt like a boulder.
He stared down at her, but released her. “You think this is easy for me? For fuck’s sake, I’ll miss you every bloody day and night. Always wondering where you are, what you’re doing, if you’re all right… but I’m letting you go.” His hand lifted to cup her chin, his thumb stroked her cheek. “I had to give up my dreams, my plans. I’ll not ask that of anyone, ever, no matter how much I want them to stay in my life. Not my kids, and certainly not you. You understand me?”
She stared back at him, transfixed. Their gazes locked. She could barely breathe.
“If I… if we could… maybe what I would ask,” he said quietly, “is that you don’t just disappear forever. That would kill me. So…” His other hand came up; both hands cupped her face. “I want to stay in touch, if you do too. Emails, texts. They don’t have to be constant, or every day, but regularly enough that I can…” He sighed, gazing into her eyes as his thumbs stroked her cheeks. “Maybe in between jobs, every few months, you could come back to Dublin and see me for a few days. What about that?”
“What?” she stammered. “You… you want to just… wait for me? For whenever I might come to see you?”
He nodded. “Aye.”
“That’s not fair to you!” she exclaimed. “That’s…”
“Better than never seeing you again,” he whispered.
She shook her head wildly and stepped back from him. “I won’t do that. You’d be stuck. It’s not right. You need to move on with your life when I leave.”
“And I will.” His eyes flashed. “But I love you, Maggie. That’s not just talk. Do you have any idea what that means for me, when I say those words?”
Her breath caught at the look on his face. Stormy and frustrated and incredulous.
“I’ve never loved anyone like I love you,” he said fiercely. “And I’m not going to. So yes, I’d wait for you. Either way, I’m certainly not going to be looking to meet someone else. My heart belongs to you now.” A muscle jumped in his jaw. “Whether you want it or not, it’s yours. I’m yours. That’s just how it is.”
Her eyes stung as her head swam. “My God, Colin… I…” The tears escaped, sliding down her cheeks. Feelings crashed inside her, overwhelming her. She felt so strongly for him… but she couldn’t get the words out. She just couldn’t.
He stepped to her, held her face, and kissed her lips with exquisite tenderness. “I know you have to go,” he whispered. He gazed at her for a long beat, dropped a gentle kiss on her forehead. “I’ll be here,” he whispered against her skin. “Always.”
She cried quietly, the tears rolling down her face. “You can’t wait for me to pop by once or twice a year.”
“You can’t tell me what to do or how to feel.”
A sob escaped her.
“Answer me one thing.” He pulled back to look right into her eyes. “You’re still too much in love with Zack, aren’t you? You thought you let him go, but you didn’t.”
“No!” she cried. “No, that’s not it. Of course I’ll always love him, but he’s gone. I need to live, and I do. I just… I don’t know if I can love like that again.”
“No one’s asking you to, Maggie,” Colin whispered. “What you had with him was sacred. A piece of you will never be over him. Honor that.”
She cried harder. “I do. But I want more out of life than memories.”
“You always tell me I need to choose things for myself. Well, love… you have to choose too. And you do, all the time.” His hand ran over her hair. “You talk about living… well, whether you choose to make room in your heart for someone new—whether it’s me, or someone else—that’s up to you. I think, for all your travels and healing, you’ve decided that’s not for you. You chose it.”
He sighed and his mouth twisted into a sad smile. “That night, when I said you hide, that you lie to yourself? That’s what I was getting at. You think it’s all behind you, but it’s not completely. You think you’re so open, and I’m the one who’s closed off. It’s not true. You are too. You’ve been hiding from your pain, lying to yourself that you were free of it. Maybe you never will be. But maybe you’re also afraid of your freedom and don’t know what to do with it. Believe me, I understand that.”
Emotions slammed her, making her stomach roll with nausea and bile rise in her throat. “I can’t do this,” she stammered between sobs. “I—I just need to keep moving. That’s what’s kept me going…”
“I know.” Colin pulled her in and held her close. She clung to him as she cried.
“You do what you have to do,” he said. “I’ll love you no matter what. That won’t change. So, if you ever change your mind, you know where to find me.”
“I don’t want you to wait for me!” she cried. “I mean it.”
“Okay. But I’m still going to be here anyway, so.” He kissed her forehead again and gently pushed her back. “We don’t have to talk about this again. You know how I feel, what I want. We still have what, two weeks together, give or take? Hopefully, we’ll make the most of it. I certainly intend to. Being with you has been the most… the best time of my life.” His large hands framed her face. “You brought me back to life again. No matter what happens, I’ll always be grateful to you for that.”
She stared at him in astonishment. “That’s what I wanted for you,” she whispered. “That’s all I wanted.”
“And ya got a lot more than ya bargained for. Well, same here.” Wiping her tears with his thumbs, he pressed a kiss to her mouth before turning away. “I’ll text you tomorrow.” He walked out of her room, then out of the flat, closing the door quietly behind him.
Maggie sank to the bed. Her whole body shook as she curled up beneath the blankets, trying to stem the racing of her heart.