Chapter Ten
Nick was silent the entire way home. He had to be, because he was still pissed off about Ellie trying to fix him up. The problem was, he wasn’t sure how to approach this conversation without telling her how he felt about her. And he wasn’t sure she was ready to hear that yet.
Between the time of year and it being so close to the date when John died, plus the fact they’d never talked about whether she was ready to start seeing anyone yet, he had to be careful with her.
But he was still mad as hell. Which meant he had to keep his thoughts to himself.
When they got home, Ellie paid Cecelia, then Nick drove her home. By the time he got back, he figured Ellie would already be in her room getting ready for bed.
He was wrong. She was still in her dress—that damn sexy red dress that was even sexier now that she’d taken the sweater off. It showed off the skin of her back and distracted the hell out of him.
He refused to be distracted when he was pissed off. So he headed toward the kitchen, where Ellie was sipping a glass of wine.
He took off his coat and hung it on the hook by the door, then walked into the kitchen, right past Ellie, and to the fridge, where he grabbed a beer. He unscrewed the top and took a long swallow. Then he stared at the kitchen counter.
“Are you going to turn around and talk to me about this?” she asked.
He turned around to face her. “About what? About the fact you’re trying to fix me up?”
“Yes. And the fact that you’ve acted like a total douchebag to two very nice women.”
“That part I feel bad about.” It wasn’t in his nature to lie to or dupe women. He felt shitty about the way he’d handled Rachel and Karen.
“You should feel bad. They’re amazing women, Nick.”
“I’m sure they are. But they’re not for me.”
“How do you know they’re not for you? You never even gave them a chance.”
How could he begin to explain to her that he wasn’t interested in any woman but her? He didn’t think she was willing to listen. Not right now. “I don’t need fix ups.”
Ellie took a long swallow of her wine. “Why don’t you date, Nick?”
Well, shit. He shrugged. “I’m busy.”
“That’s a terrible excuse. Do you know in all the time I’ve lived here I’ve never seen you go out on a date? Not one time? And I’ve been here almost five years. I’m starting to think it’s because of me.”
He frowned. “What? No. It’s not because of you.”
She gave him her don’t lie to me look, the one she always gave to Henry whenever he was fibbing to her.
“Okay, in the beginning it was because of you. Mainly it was because of John. Come on, Ellie. I’d lost my brother. Going out and having fun with some woman was the last thing on my mind after John died. And then there was you, with Henry. We both had our hands full.”
“That’s true. But it’s been almost five years.”
“I could say the same thing about you. In the entire time you’ve lived here, I haven’t seen you date once.”
“I was mourning. I loved him so much, Nick.”
She was killing him. “I know you did.”
“I know he wouldn’t want me to mourn him forever. And I have been moving on and putting the loss behind me. But there’s been Henry and I guess I used him as a convenient excuse to not ever think about being with another man again.”
He put down his beer and walked over to her, putting his hands on her arms. He made sure she could see the directness of his gaze as he said the words, to know how much he meant them. “You have a right to be happy.”
She gave him a direct look right back. “So do you.”
“I am happy.”
She took another swallow of wine, then set the glass on the counter. “I think you’re lonely.” She came over to him and picked up his hand. “And I think I’m holding you back.”
So that’s what it was. “Ellie. It’s not you.”
Though it was her. Hell, this was getting so damned complicated.
“Then what is it, Nick? You know you can tell me.”
He was either going to have to come out with it and be honest with her or he was going to have to hold it in forever. And it was now or never.
“Okay, it is you.”
She blinked. “Okay.”
“But not in the way you think,” he rushed to add.
She frowned. “I don’t understand.”
He rubbed his thumb over hers. “In the beginning, it was all about our grief. Yours and mine. And then there was Henry, so then it was all about him. Making sure the both of you were okay. But the past—I dunno—year or two, it’s been about more than that.”
He saw her eyes go dark, felt the subtle change in the air between them, and he knew she understood. “Oh. Oh.”
“Yeah. I started thinking about you as more than my brother’s widow. More than Henry’s mom. More than just my friend. You’re a smart, beautiful, desirable woman, Ellie. And you’re the only woman I’ve been thinking about for a while now. Which is why when you were throwing women at me I wasn’t interested. I’m just interested in you.”
Ellie couldn’t breathe. She’d had these feelings for Nick, too, thoughts she knew she shouldn’t be having, but couldn’t help herself.
And now here was Nick, admitting he’d been having the same thoughts, the same feelings. She owed it to him to be honest.
“I have to admit, Nick, I’m feeling the same things.”
His gorgeous blue eyes darkened with a flash of desire that nearly knocked her backward. “Yeah?”
“Yes. Only it made me feel mixed-up and guilty.”
“Why?”
“You know why. You’re John’s brother. It doesn’t feel right somehow.”
“So you’d rather be with some other guy than with me?”
She shook her head, confusion making her temples pound. She didn’t know how to explain this to him so it made sense. How could she, when it didn’t even make sense to her? “No. I mean…I don’t know. I don’t know what I want, Nick.”
She saw that heat of desire in his eyes go out.
“I get it, Ellie. You need time. And I don’t want to push you into something you’re not ready for. When you figure it out, you let me know.”
He released her hand. She reached for him, but he’d already backed away.
“Nick.”
“I’m going to bed. Night, Ellie.”
She wanted to say something—anything—to get him to stay. She wanted to tell him about all the feelings she’d been bottling inside, so much so she wanted to explode. She wanted to tell him how much she wanted to touch him. She wanted to ask him to kiss her.
Instead, she watched him walk away.
And for the first time since her husband died, she really did feel all alone.