The waiting room looked like Natasha’s hipster rental units. Matt even took a picture of the bookcase decorations in case his fiancée wanted to steal some ideas from his new therapist.

As the quiet clock on the wall ticked to the top of the hour, the inner door opened and a man stepped out. A big guy with a gentle smile. “Matt?”

“Hi. Yeah, that’s me.”

“I’m Vic. Come on in.”

There was awkward paperwork first, then Vic leaned forward. “You said in your email that you’re recovering from some trauma.”

Matt swallowed. “That’s right. Last year I, uh, had a pretty shitty day at work.”

“You’re a paramedic?”

He nodded. “I lost a patient at work, and it stuck with me.”

“Then that’s where we should begin. Tell me about that day.”

Matt repeated the story that now slid out of him in a rush of words, not quite easy, but no longer traumatizing to recount. “It was just bad timing, really, that Fred died at the same time my brothers were trying to get ahold of me. And I conflated the two events in my head.”

“And what happened next?”

An exhausted, worried drive to the airport. No news until the next day, when Dean finally arrived, and then waiting. Endless waiting. Weeks went by before Sean came home, broken and angry.

The therapist looked at him as he drifted to another pause. “He’s okay now,” Matt finally added. “Happily married, in fact.”

“But what happened with Fred?”

“He died,” Matt said, confused.

“Was there a funeral?”

A dull roar started somewhere in the back of Matt’s brain.

“Matt?”

He gritted his teeth. “I don’t know,” he said thickly. “Fuck, how did I not know?”

“You were understandably occupied by a family tragedy.”

His ears were ringing and he shook his head. Fuck. More than a year had passed. A year of running and working and nightmares—

He froze.

His hands were tight balls of fury in front of him and his vision blurred.

There was a grave in his dreams.

“I thought it was Sean.” His voice cracked. “I had nightmares. Have. Still, sometimes, but not that often.”

He’d been living with Natasha and Emily full-time for weeks now. Spring was trying to come to the peninsula, although winter was doing a good job of fighting to maintain its hold, too. He’d only woken up in a sweat twice, and both times, Tasha eased him back under the covers and held him as he talked about his brother.

But he didn’t talk about Fred. Not enough.

“I don’t even know if Fred has a grave.” He looked up at Vic. “Maybe he was cremated.”

“Who would know?”

“The Legion, I’d imagine.”

Vic nodded. “How does that sound as a bit of homework for this week? Find out what sort of memorial there was. Next week we can talk about how it might feel to go to the grave, or see his ashes.”

“It would be good.” Matt didn’t need to talk that through. He knew.

“All right.”

Matt nodded. “Yeah. Shit.”

Vic smiled. “Welcome to therapy, Matt. I think you’re going to do some good work in here.”

He left the office through another door that dumped right into the parking lot. Before he left Owen Sound, he stopped at the big grocery store and picked up everything he’d need to make his girls dinner.

The next day it rained. Heavy, relentless. A fitting backdrop as he drove north to Pine Harbour. The Legion opened after lunch, so he went to Mac’s first and texted Tom and Sean to see if they wanted to join him.

They both showed up ten minutes later, Tom in his park ranger uniform, Sean in sweatpants and a t-shirt with his new elite athletics coaching logo printed on it.

“What’s with the unexpected visit?” Sean asked after grabbing a menu.

Matt told them about his first counselling appointment, and his mission.

“We’ll come with you to the Legion,” Tom said.

Matt pointed to his uniform. “Don’t you have to go back to work?”

“I’ve got a phone. They can call me if they need me. This is important.” Right on cue, his phone vibrated. He glanced at the screen, typed back a response, and put it away. “See? All good.”

Matt’s leg shook restlessly as they ate. He pushed his foot into the ground, telling himself this would be fine.

Maybe he should have brought Natasha along for the drive, but she had a shift at the lumber store, and he didn’t want to wait until they both had a day off together. Now that he’d realized what he needed for closure, he was grabbing it with both hands as soon as possible.

They walked over to the Legion once it opened. Matt introduced himself to the bartender and explained why he was there.

“Fred Carleton?” The guy nodded. “Yeah, I remember him. I’m not sure if there was a funeral.”

Shit. That hit Matt in the chest like a sucker punch.

“There are a couple of guys who usually come around in the early afternoon to play cards. Sit down, have a drink, and I’ll flag them for you.”

Tom and Sean asked for pop, but Matt went for a beer. “I may end up on your couch at the end of the day,” he warned Sean.

“Jenna’s sleeping off a long birth this afternoon, so you’ll need to be quiet, but sure.”

“Dude, of course I get that.”

“I know but…” Sean grinned. “She needs all the rest she can get. She’s pregnant.”

“Fucking eh, man!” Matt clapped his hand on Sean’s shoulder and squeezed. “Good job.”

Sean laughed. “Thanks.”

The outside door swung open, and two older men stepped inside.

One of them was his father.

“Uh…” Sean sat up straighter.

So did Matt. Then he stood up. “Dad,” he said. “I didn’t know you came in here.”

The Colonel shrugged. “I like to play cards, so I pop in from time to time. What are you boys doing here?”

Boys. Sean cleared his throat at that, and Matt expected their father to grump about the reaction, but instead he nodded his head.

“Sorry, Sean.”

Would wonders never cease.

Matt was going for it. “Dad, did you know Fred Carleton?”

“Yep, sure did. Not as well as the others, but he was a regular here before he got sick.”

“I, uh…” Matt’s throat tightened up. “I was wondering if there was a funeral or anything. I missed it, and it’s been weighing on my mind.”

The Colonel frowned, then waved over the other man who’d gone to the bar. “I think that was around the time Sean was hurt, wasn’t it?”

Matt rubbed his chest. “Yep. Same time.”

“Jim, what did you guys do for Fred Carleton’s memorial?” His father gestured to Matt. “My son here was wondering.” He looked back at Matt. “You knew him through work, did you?”

He nodded. He wasn’t going to share the details with Fred’s friends.

Jim, an older man, slight and slim, pulled up a chair and sat down, so then their father did the same.

“We had a lunch here a few days after he died,” the veteran said. “Said a few words in his memory. That was it. Often is the way.”

“So there was no funeral?”

Jim shook his head. “His ashes went to his niece, I think. I’m sure I could find out.”

“I don’t want to put you out.” Except he did, he really did. “But I would appreciate that enormously. I’d like to find a way to say goodbye to him.”

“Well,” Jim said slowly. “I don’t know if it would be the same, but we did up a plaque for him. It’s in the back.” He stood up and nodded his head. “Follow me.”

There were a few dozen plaques lining the walls. How many times had Matt been in this Legion hall for a stag and doe or a fundraiser, and he’d never noticed the solemn commemorations to the members who had died?

Fred’s was near the end, but not the last one. The Legion had lost a couple other members in the intervening year, it looked like.

Matt stopped and just looked. It had his name, his rank at time of release, his years of service. His birth date. And the date of his death.

What a shitty day that was, Matt thought.

Not at the start, though. They’d laughed and joked and shared stories.

If Matt was going to die, he’d want the hours before his death to be like that. Talking about women and military service and professional duty.

He’d talk about Natasha. About Emily. About cupcakes and taking chances.

“I wish I could tell you about my life now,” he said quietly, looking at Fred’s picture. “It’s so different, man.”

But he couldn’t because life was finite and fragile.

He stood there for a while longer. It didn’t magically lift his guilt, but it did help sort some of his feelings out. Definitely gave him some new things to talk to the therapist about.

And more than anything else, it made him want to go home and tell Natasha about his day. To wrap his arms around his woman and hold on tight.