Chapter 16

Stephanie

Pulling open the door to The Grind, a coffee shop not far from my apartment, my eyes sweep the interior for Jules. I get distracted, though, by the eclectic décor, a hodgepodge of different styles that somehow works together. I see her sitting at a small table in the corner near the front window, sipping a coffee. She locks eyes with me and I hold up a finger to her as I walk to the counter to order a tea.

After I get my cup and saucer, I head toward Jules’s table, blowing on the hot tea as I walk. She greets me with a bright smile and nods at the empty chair. “Glad you could come.”

I sit down with a huff after placing my tea on the table. “Glad Lucas gave me two minutes of breathing room so I could come.”

She grins at me and teases, “You really don’t seem all that put out by it.”

And no. No, I don’t.

More and more I’m craving my time with Lucas, which scares the shit out of me.

We spent pretty much the entire weekend together, which included the night we called our parents, all the next day and night at my apartment minus a few hours where he had practice and I did my laundry, and most of Sunday. This included plenty of sex, good food, several movies, lots of laughs, me barfing in the mornings while he rubbed my back, and more awesome sex. It was only my promise to Lucas that he could stay tonight at my apartment again that he grudgingly let me come meet Jules for coffee at her request.

“So what’s up?” I ask her curiously, and I note with genuine interest in myself that I actually feel quite comfortable sitting here with her. Making baby steps, I think.

I can see a flash of disappointment on her face that perhaps I’d engage with some girly gossip about how things are going with Lucas, but then she puts on a happy smile. “I think we should take your idea to put kids and the elderly together for a test spin.”

My eyebrows shoot up. “How?”

“I was talking to Annabelle’s preschool teacher about your idea and she loved it. One thing led to another, and she said they could easily turn that into a field trip. Then I called the activities director at Sweetbrier and she also loved the idea and was willing to host Annabelle’s class for a visit.”

My breath hitches but I force it out with an, “Oh, wow.”

Jules nods excitedly. “So can I tell them you’re in? I’ll put you in touch with both of them.”

“Whoa,” I say with my hands up and a nervous laugh. “This is moving fast and I don’t know if I can handle it right now.”

Jules tilts her head. “I’ll be glad to help.”

“I don’t know,” I say dubiously, my mind racing as to whether I can take this on given the fact my life is a little topsy-turvy right now.

“Oh, I won’t take credit for it,” Jules hastens to reassure me. “I’ll be in the background.”

I roll my eyes at her. “No, that’s not it, and if I did it, I’d totally want your help if you’re willing. It’s just…”

It’s just what?

The words won’t come out and I have no clue why I’m hesitating.

“What are you afraid of?” Jules asks me softly, and my eyes shoot to hers.

“I’m not afraid,” I say tersely, because I’m not afraid of fucking anything except perhaps intimacy and love. Then I completely cringe at my own tone because it sounds so bitchy. I soften my voice and smile at her sheepishly. “Sorry…I like to pride myself on my bravery, so any suggestion I’m afraid causes my hackles to go up. Which is odd, because I’ve been nothing but afraid since Luc knocked me up.”

Jules chuckles. “He’s pushing you out of your comfort zone, huh?”

“Way out,” I admit, and then risk a sip of tea. When I set the cup back down, I also admit, “But I’m dealing, and it’s not all so bad.”

“Why are you hesitant about this idea of a field trip for Annabelle’s class?”

I blow back my bangs with a deep exhale. Circling my finger around my teacup, I admit to her, “It’s just…things are so crazy right now. I’m on the verge of losing my job, potentially moving to another city if I can’t find another job. I’m pregnant, which is still freaking me out, and well…there’s Luc.”

“All that stuff is a piece of cake,” Jules returns dryly with a wave of her hand. “With the exception of Lucas.”

She grins at me and I have to admit…that’s funny, so I smile back.

“It’s just,” I start, then stop, remembering I don’t share.

“It’s just what?” Jules pushes at me. “Spill it and get it off your chest. You’ll feel so much better for it.”

“Fine,” I say with another sigh—this one of defeat—and I let it out in a frenzied rush before I chicken out. “I don’t know what’s going on with Luc and me and I’m scared, and well…my life has turned around a hundred and eighty degrees in the last few weeks and I sometimes feel like I’m on quicksand. Sometimes Luc makes me feel like I’m sinking faster, and sometimes I feel like he’s pulling me out, and I’m so confused. But what’s weird is I think I want more, and I think he does too, but I’m not sure because we don’t really talk about those types of things, and the reason we don’t is because I think he’s being deferential to my feelings because he knows how fucked up I am in the head so he tries to protect me, you know? And I am rambling on like an absolute maniac, but, well…you asked for it.”

Jules eyes are dancing with humor as she looks across the table at me. “I don’t get it. Lucas is a phenomenal catch. He’s totally into you and it’s so obvious.”

I don’t respond, holding my silence. For her to understand my hesitancy, she’d have to know a lot more about me, and I’ve only ever shared that with Lucas. I like Jules a hell of a lot. Probably more than any other woman I’ve been casual friends with, except for maybe Simone, who is a hoot to be around. Can I open myself up to someone else?

On the other hand, if I don’t answer her question, I look like a total bitch, and I don’t want to be that. Jules is going to marry Max and become Lucas’s sister-in-law, and in turn, become our baby’s aunt. She’ll be in my life as well, and I don’t want to have stilted relationships with these people.

I take a sip of my tea, more as a stall tactic than anything. After setting the cup down, I decide to admit frankly to Jules why it’s troubling that Luc is into me, as she says.

“You know how some guys aren’t into relationships?” I say. She nods and I continue. “And they really don’t want to get close to a girl, so they’re only in it for the sex, because that’s all they got to give?”

Jules appears confused. “Luc isn’t like that with you.”

I give her a sad smile because she’s not looking at this the right way. “No, he’s not. But that’s the way I am with him.”

“What?” Jules asks, pulling her chin in as she looks at me skeptically.

“I’m like a dude when it comes to commitment,” I tell her gravely. “I’m relationship averse. I’m afraid to trust. I’m into hookups and one-night stands because that’s all I have to give someone.”

Jules is shaking her head disbelievingly before I even finish. “No way. Don’t believe it.”

“Believe it,” I mutter.

“Good joke, though,” she says with a cute smile.

“Not a joke,” I deadpan.

The light from her eyes dies and her smile turns into a frown. “Wait. Are you serious?”

I just stare at her and her frown gets deeper.

“So you’re saying that you’ve never been in love?” she asks hesitantly.

“Nope.”

“Never had a long-term relationship?”

“Nope.”

“Never wanted to have a relationship?”

My answer doesn’t come readily and she seizes on my hesitation, yelling at me across the table as she points her finger. “Aha. You want a relationship with Lucas.”

“No way,” I say as I shake my head at her denial.

Absolute false denial, but I don’t correct it.

“Totally way,” she throws back at me.

“You’re completely off base,” I tell her as I cross my arms over my chest.

She doesn’t fire back at me right away, but instead appraises me with her finger tapping against her chin. Then she looks like she has some major revelation because she puts her forearms on the table and leans forward to murmur, “You want something more with Lucas but you’re afraid.”

“Bingo,” I grumble in complete and quick defeat, my cheeks flushing with warmth that I admitted my weakness. I’ve never had a conversation like this with another woman and it’s totally uncomfortable, and yet I know deep in my heart I need it.

“So what’s the hang-up?” she asks pleasantly, then takes a sip of her coffee.

Before I can even think to answer or tell Jules to mind her own fucking business—which I would actually never do because she’s as sweet as the day is long—someone is pulling out a chair and sitting down at our table. I turn my head to see the beautiful girl who had served me my tea at the counter when I came in. She turns her silvery-blue eyes my way for a brief smile and then turns to Jules. “Sorry. I was just now able to take a break.”

“A break?” I ask, wondering why this waitress feels like she can sit here with us.

My confusion is alleviated when Jules smiles brightly and says, “Stephanie, this is Lexi Robertson. She’s Brian Bannon’s daughter and also is dating Roman Sýkora.”

It hits me all at once and I actually recognize her. There was an article in the paper about the car accident she’d been in a few months ago and how Brian didn’t know she was his daughter until recently. And yeah, I remember that she was dating a Cold Fury player. I like Roman Sýkora a lot on the ice because he’s always stirring the pot out there.

“Nice to meet you,” I say with a hesitant smile.

“I thought it would be nice for you to meet some of the Cold Fury better halves,” Jules says with a wave at Lexi. “Figured everyone could use more friends.”

I just stare at Jules blankly, unsure of what to say. I was on the verge of spilling my guts to Jules, but now I’m sealed up tighter than a clam because Lexi is a complete stranger to me.

Jules continues to chatter. “And since you’ll be around for the long term and have a Cold Fury kid on the way, I thought it would be nice for you to start meeting the others.”

My jaw drops open and I look to Lexi to see her smiling at me, then back to Jules. “You told her about my pregnancy?”

There’s no mistaking the ice in my tone and Jules is clearly taken aback. Her hand reaches across the table and she lays it on top of mine. “God, no. That’s not my place.”

“Roman told me,” Lexi says softly, and I turn to look at her as Jules pulls her hand away. “Lucas told the management and team at yesterday’s practice.”

“He did?” I ask, stunned to be hit with this without any preparation. I’m a private person and pregnancy is about as personal as you can get. Add the fact I was basically a one-night stand that got me pregnant and it’s just not something I’m prepared to discuss with strangers.

“I just assumed you two had agreed to tell people,” Lexi says softly, apologetically.

Did we? I know we talked this weekend about letting the cat out of the bag to some select people. I anticipated it would be a small group, not an entire hockey organization along with their significant others.

“Are you okay?” Jules asks gently.

I nod my head and clear my throat. “Yeah…sure. I just didn’t realize that Lucas was going to run right out and tell the entire team. I thought it would be just family and maybe a few close friends. Maybe his roommate, Van.”

“But the team is his family,” Jules points out. “You’ve not been involved with the organization very much yet, but every one of those people who make up the Carolina Cold Fury are like family to each other. And frankly, they’d need to know, because although you’re doing the heavy lifting, the pregnancy affects Lucas as well.”

Jesus. My gaze slides left and I look out the window to the city street. I hadn’t thought of that when we’d talked about it this weekend. I just didn’t consider that Lucas has a lot more going on outside of the little bubble he’s been cocooned in with me lately. And that means I may have to step outside that bubble.

“Is this a problem?” Jules murmurs.

I turn back to her, cut a quick glance to Lexi, and say with a completely forced smile that I hope to God looks genuine so they don’t feel awkward, “It’s not a problem. Just took me by surprise is all.”

Jules isn’t buying it, so she looks at Lexi. “Do you mind giving us a few minutes?”

Lexi jumps up and says, “Not at all,” while I hold up my hand and insist, “No. Stay. Nothing private to talk about.”

But Lexi abides by Jules’s wishes and not mine, and she’s gone before I can even shut my mouth again. I turn back slowly to Jules and brace myself for her to ingratiate herself into my life.

“You don’t have to talk about Lucas or your relationship or lack thereof at all,” she says earnestly, but I don’t relax one bit. Those are the right words but surely she doesn’t mean them. “Now, what about us arranging a visit for Annabelle’s class to Sweetbrier. It won’t take much effort. I’ll do all the legwork since you’re working full time still, and if anything it will just be something fun to do because I know it once brought you joy. I think it will—”

“Wait a minute,” I say as I hold my hand up, cutting her off. “You’re just going to drop the whole Lucas-slash-relationship thing?”

“Well, yeah,” she says slowly. “That’s what you wanted, right?”

Hell yes, I wanted that.

Except…I could use some advice on how to handle this.

But no, I don’t need advice. I can figure this out on my own, just the way I always have.

Definitely can handle this on my own.

I give her an abashed smile. “I’m sorry…let’s talk about something other than Lucas and me.”

Jules just gives me a completely accepting nod and I exhale with relief.

“Are you up for helping me with Annabelle’s class trip to Sweetbrier?” she asks.

“Yes, of course,” I assure her. “It will be totally fun. And call Lexi back over here. She really didn’t have to go.”

Jules waves across the cafe and I assume gets Lexi’s attention, because then she starts talking about the logistics of putting a group of toddlers with a group of folks in wheelchairs. Lexi joins us and offers ideas, volunteering to help as well. I listen with half an ear, make appropriate comments, and keep a smile plastered to my face.

I try not to think about the fact that I was just on the verge of spilling all my secrets and insecurities to Jules. I can’t even believe she could inspire that within me, and I’ll even admit I’m slightly disappointed in myself that I pussed out and clammed up.

Maybe another time we can talk.

If I can get up the courage to just let the fuck go of all of my hang-ups.

I’m a fucking work in progress, that’s for sure.