Chapter 20

Stephanie

“Come on, ref,” Simone yells at the top of her lungs as she bangs her fists on the glass. “Open your eyes, you moron. That was hooking.”

I snicker along with Jules, who’s sitting beside me as the Cold Fury whiz down the ice on a power play. My eyes focus across the ice to the players’ bench and I take a peek at Lucas. He just came off his shift and is sitting forward with one hand on the board, watching the game intently.

It’s such a thrill watching him play. Knowing that this gorgeous, smart, and caring guy who happens to be an accomplished professional hockey player wants me. It’s even hotter how much he wants this baby growing in my belly.

I turn my head and look down the row. Next to me is Jules, then Simone’s seat, followed by her mom and dad. We all rode here together to watch game five against Florida, after we spent a nice time talking over hamburgers and hot dogs Max grilled. The kids are being watched by the neighbor and were sorely disappointed they couldn’t come. Max promised them tickets for the next home game, though, and they were semisatisfied.

The dinner was low pressure, and Luc’s parents are very sweet and totally over the moon about the baby. I know his mother was reining in her enthusiasm, because several times she’d start to gush about baby clothes, or a book on how to breast feed, but one look from Lucas and she shut it down. She’s just bursting apart ready to be a grandma, and while I find it sweet, it’s also completely foreign.

In a fascinating way, that is.

There is no doubt I want Lucas and his family to have a relationship with this child, but I’ll have to admit, it’s hard sharing this experience because I’m so used to doing everything on my own. Still, his entire family is as easy to like as Luc is, and while I might have difficulty sharing, I’m going to try, because Luc has shown me I can let people close to me without being disappointed.

Plus, he’s almost convinced me that I’m actually likable. That I’m worthy.

That’s saying a lot coming from me, as I’ve been made to feel unworthy pretty much my entire life, and if that doesn’t fuck with someone’s sense of value, I don’t know what will.

“Simone, sit down for God’s sake,” Marilyn says in exasperation as she tugs at the bottom of Simone’s jersey. She’s wearing Lucas’s jersey tonight, as am I. Jules is obviously wearing Max’s jersey, and her parents split their loyalties between the kids. Marilyn’s wearing Max’s and Laurence has on Lucas’s.

Simone turns to her mom in a huff and complains, “Those refs are making some bad calls.”

Her mom laughs. “And what do you want me to do about it?”

“Get up here and yell with me,” Simone demands, and to my surprise—and delight—Marilyn pops out of her seat and starts banging on the glass next to Simone. There’s only less than a minute left in the first period, but that doesn’t curb their enthusiasm.

“She’s great, isn’t she?” Jules says with a nudge of her shoulder against mine.

I move my gaze from the glass to Jules. “Yeah…really nice and down to earth.”

“It took awhile for me to get used to how close they all were,” she continues. “I never had that growing up. Mom died when I was young, and Dad was a long-distance truck driver who was never around. My older sister took care of me, but she died too. It was hard learning how to accept people worrying about you.”

Her words are pointed, and I know directed solely at me, not a reflection of her life. And while I appreciate what she’s trying to do, I don’t forget that we are still apples and oranges. Lucas filled me in on Jules and how she met Max, and while her life was missing parental guidance like mine, she had something I didn’t, and that was love. At least her dad loved her, and she had a sister who loved her a lot. Now she has Max and his family, and I watched them at lunch today. She may not be married into the family yet, but they treat her as if she is, and that’s because Jules is open and accepting. She knows how to accept kindness and care. She treats concern as a gift to be cherished, while I am suspicious of it.

I swear to God I’m really trying to learn from her and Luc and everyone, really, but it’s hard to let go of twenty-eight years of being conditioned that I’m not worthy of love and care. I’m guessing Lucas filled his parents in about some of my insecurities, because they’ve been treating me with kid gloves, which I do appreciate. But I really hope they have the same patience with me that Luc does, because I don’t want to alienate them. I know his allegiance will be to them, as it should be, and I don’t want to lose him if I were to push them away.

“It’s hard letting people in, but I’m trying my hardest,” I painfully admit to Jules. “I want this to be easy on everyone, but I am way out of my element here.”

“Want my opinion?” she asks me hesitantly, and I’m nodding at her before she even finishes her words. I’ll take any advice that I can to make things work for everyone involved. “You protect yourself so tightly against getting hurt you could miss something really amazing, and the really something amazing I’m talking about is Luc. You’re going to have a baby, and you’re going to have the emotional support of the entire Fournier family regardless of what happens between you and Luc. But you stand to lose him if you can’t take a little bit of a risk with your heart.”

My stomach cramps from her words and I whisper to her, “I know.”

I know very well that my inability to fully open up could cost me probably the most important person I’ve ever had in my life.

There was a time my freshman year of college when I was really struggling. Despite having no relationship with my parents for eighteen years, I was floundering that first year away from them as an adult. Although the net of being under their care as a minor was filled with holes, it was a safety net at least. I was overwhelmed with all sorts of doubts and insecurities that first year away from home, and I went to see one of the campus counselors.

It didn’t take long for me to figure out through some soul-baring sessions that I felt entirely unlovable. That there was something so awful about me that I couldn’t even entice my parents to love their child, that I knew I was destined to be alone forever. That was a tremendously formative year for me, because it was where I realized that I was going to make my way through life alone. I knew deep in my heart that no one could ever truly care for someone as unworthy as me, so I wasn’t ever going to put myself in a position for someone to thoroughly reject me the way my parents had.

Of course, that counselor tried his damndest to get me to see my reasoning was flawed. And the smart and practical part of me could understand why I was the way I was. I’d read enough to know that what my parents did to me was devastating to my emotional growth and development. I was reasonable enough to know that I was really, really fucked up and broken.

It never really daunted me. Didn’t sadden me. It was what it was and I adapted. I became strong. I relied on the one person I knew could never let me down, and that was me.

That’s just the way my life was until Lucas Fournier came along. And now my entire foundation has been shaken to the core, and I don’t know who I am anymore.

One thing I do know is that I’ve let him in further than I thought was even possible, and if I lose what we have, I know it would be a devastation that would cut away a part of my soul that he’s had a huge role in healing.

And yet that still doesn’t overcome my fear of being hurt even worse if he were to abandon me at some point. While I know it’s wrong, my psyche tells me to push him away before I can get hurt, and yet I don’t want to lose him at all. I am so fucked up in the head over this, I wonder if perhaps there comes a point where a person is so broken they can’t ever be glued back together again.

The buzzer goes off, indicating the end of the first period, and Jules stares at me just a moment more before she stands up. “I’m going to go get something to eat. Coming?”

I shake my head, feeling slightly morose. “I’m good.”

“Okay,” she says with a soft smile, and makes her way out of the front row. I look out to the ice and see the last of the players skating off, but I can’t see Lucas. I wonder if he looked over this way and saw Jules and me talking. I wonder if he even knows the depths of my confusion over everything.

I suspect he does because he handles me with so much patience and grace.

“That was an intense period, huh?” I hear as Lucas’s dad plops down beside me. I look past his shoulder and see that Marilyn, Simone, and Jules have all left.

The score is zero to zero and the Florida Spartans are scrapping for their lives because a loss will end their play-off run. It’s been a brutal game, with both teams giving more than their all to try to score.

“Sure is,” I say with a glance up at the scoreboard before I look back to him.

It’s clear his boys got his height and brawn in addition to his hair color. For such a big man, Laurence’s French Canadian accent is lilting, although his voice is baritone deep. While we talked today at lunch—I found him to be an easy, laid-back guy—we didn’t say more than a handful of words directly to each other. I learned very quickly that the Fournier family is a noisy, boisterous group that loves to tell stories, joke, and tease each other. They’re also a visibly affectionate family, which is both fascinating and awkward for me to watch.

This afternoon I was practically swooning as Lucas came up behind Simone as she was telling Jules a story about some party at college. He just put his hands on her shoulders and squeezed once while he listened to his sister. She brought one hand up to lay on top of one of his hands, and I marveled at such easy affection between them.

I tried to imagine maybe my father doing that to me, and I actually got the willies as a shiver ran up my spine. That would be totally awkward and completely unwelcome.

But what about Lucas?

What would I do if he did that to me?

Without a doubt, I’d lean back into him, seeking closer contact.

God, I’m so fucked in the head.

“We really didn’t get a chance to talk,” Laurence continues with a hesitant smile. “As you may have noticed, I’m the quiet one in this family.”

Chuckling, I nod my head. “Yeah, I noticed that.”

Marilyn and her children are full of energy and spirit. They’re constantly moving and talking and joking. Laurence is like the quiet, wise owl who just observes and enjoys.

“Well, since I’m the doctor in the family, I’m going to ask what Marilyn was too polite to,” he says with a kindly smile. “How are you feeling? Is the pregnancy going okay?”

This is sweet and it’s a professional question, so I don’t hesitate in answering. “It’s going well. The worst has been the morning sickness, and I had a little bit of spotting once, but that hasn’t happened again.”

“How’s your energy?” he asks.

“I’m tired for sure,” I tell him with a sigh. “Sometimes it feels like the baby is sucking the life force out of me.”

Laurence chuckles and nods. “Marilyn was like that. You see how much energy my brood has. I think they were definitely sucking her life force as they were growing.”

I laugh at the image and figure that perhaps the baby is already showing signs of his Fournier DNA.

“This has nothing at all to do with the fact I’m a doctor, and is one hundred percent me being a father,” he says, and I tense up. The fact he had to qualify his next words put me on edge, but I try to maintain a polite, open look on my face. “Marilyn would normally be the one to say these things to you, but I also know that Lucas gave her strict instructions not to put any pressure on you. But my boy didn’t put those restrictions on me, probably because he never in a million years thought I’d do this.”

My anxiety skyrockets and I dig my fingers down into the armrest of my chair while my eyes stay locked on his.

He moves his hand and pats mine kindly. “I know you’re scared, Stephanie, and we have all the empathy in the world for you. But my son is crazy about you. I don’t know if he’s admitted it or not, but I can tell just by the way he looks at you and the way he talks about you that you mean more to him that just friends.”

There’s a rolling sensation in my stomach and I feel dizzy over these truths I’d long suspected.

“My son…hell, all my kids…with them it’s all or nothing,” Laurence explains.

I don’t say anything and I can’t break away from his soft, knowing gaze.

“Lucas,” he says pointedly, “is an all-or-nothing type of guy. I know what you two have going on is working for you right now, but Lucas has dreams. And he’s not the type to be satisfied with anything less than full realization of a dream.”

“All or nothing,” I whisper, understanding the words he originally said.

Laurence nods and pats my hand again. “Like I said, it’s clearly working right now what you have going on, but eventually he’s going to want more. If you don’t give it your all, he’s going to get hurt.”

“You have to know I don’t want to hurt him,” I say, feeling obligated to defend myself. “I do care for him a great deal.”

Lucas’s dad nods. “I know that, and today I saw that as clearly as I saw how Lucas cares for you. I’m just saying that may not be enough one day.”

“I’m not sure what my capabilities are,” I tell him truthfully, and the words leave a bitter taste in my mouth. Still, I tell him an embarrassing truth I’d never admit to a stranger, but this is Lucas we’re talking about, and I know I don’t want to lose him. “I’m…I’ve got…I don’t think I’m worthy of someone as great as Lucas, and as such, I think I tend to sabotage myself.”

“I can understand that,” he says wisely.

“I want to be what he needs,” I tell him. I so want that, but I don’t know how.

“I’m not saying you have to give him something you’re not capable of,” Laurence clarifies with a pointed look. “I’m just saying that what you do have, you have to give fully. If you want something with him, you have to put down all your defenses and just try with all your might to make it work. As long as you do that, any failure would be understandable. It would still hurt, but at least Lucas would understand.”

Blowing out a deep breath, I look out to the ice and mutter, “Didn’t expect to have that deep of a conversation with you.”

Laurence laughs and leans back in the chair. “Don’t worry. My entire family underestimates my ability to meddle in my kids’ lives. But I’m cool with keeping this secret if you are.”

Chuckling, I twist my neck to look at him again. “I’ll keep your secret so you can maintain your rep with the family.”

“You’re a sweet girl, Stephanie,” Laurence says gently. “I think Lucas stumbled on to someone really great when he met you.”

This surprises me after the very nice but clear warning he just gave me to try not to hurt his son. He sees my surprise and addresses it. “Stephanie, just because I think you have the potential to hurt my son doesn’t mean I don’t like you. And just because you have the potential to hurt my son doesn’t mean you’re not good for him.”

“Will you say that if I do indeed hurt him?” I say in a low, ashamed voice.

Laurence again surprises me when he nods. “Yes, I’ll still say that. As long as you give it your all so there are no regrets.”

“You realize you’re taking pressure off me,” I say in a somewhat dry voice.

“You’re pregnant with my grandchild,” he says with an acknowledging tilt to my head. “I don’t want you to be under stress.”

We stare at each other a moment, and then in a rare act of spontaneous affection, I take Laurence’s hand and give it a grateful squeeze. “Thank you for sharing that with me. Your family is amazing and I’m lucky to know you.”

Laurence squeezes my hand back and then pushes his long frame out of the chair. He looks down at me with a smile. “Just so you know, we’ve all been on our best behavior around you. You really haven’t seen our ‘crazy’ yet.”

I giggle, shaking my head. He gives me a wink and then starts making his way out of the row.

Turning back, I look out over the ice and contemplate my relationship with Lucas and how I can achieve the impossible.

Opening myself up to love.