I wasn’t aware of much other than the scurrying of shoes, feet, and limbs as Alex ushered everyone out of the door as quietly and as carefully as he could. Natalie’s hand definitely grabbed my shoulder at one point, though, and her whispered breaths fell against my ear as she asked me to take care of myself and call her in the morning. Suzie and Paul weren’t happy about having to leave, but what they were saying, exactly, could have been anything as far as I was aware. It was actually Danni’s small cough that pulled my attention back to the door, and when she looked at me, I noticed Alice slipping inside my apartment like a foreigner in a strange new world. Her eyes found mine as she stood at the end of my sofa, one side of her bobbed hair tucked behind her ear, her cheeks flushed from the bitter cold outside, and her long, dark grey coat covered in dustings of snow. Alice’s smile was shy, and I’d be damned if that flicker of sentiment in her eyes didn’t make my chest feel like it had just been stabbed.

I didn’t move straight away. Maybe I thought it was a birthday right or something, but eventually, I pushed myself upright and began to walk towards her like she was the only person who existed. Danni coughed again beside us, and I turned to look at her, noticing how her bright blue eyes were alive with mischief before she smiled at me and whispered.

“I’m just going to go. Happy Birthday, Marcus.”

“Thanks for everything, Danni.”

Then there were just the two of us. Alone. Me, as unchanging as I’d always been. Alice, the girl I couldn’t ever quite get a good enough grip on to read properly.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you would have visitors,” she eventually whispered. Both her hands were wringing a pair of leather gloves together as she looked up at me a little helplessly. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“You didn’t.”

Her eyes were everywhere. On me one moment, then down at the floor the next. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

“They left because of me?”

“They did.”

“Why?” she asked, eventually letting her wide eyes stay fixed on mine.

I shrugged. “I think they knew they’d outstayed their welcome. The little redhead? That was my sister. Sammy.”

“Sammy?” she breathed, her brows rising high as she smiled.

“Yes.” I nodded. “I’m surprised she went so quietly actually. The tall blonde guy was my best friend, Cameron. The one who looked like a Viking.”

“I didn’t notice,” she lied, the blush of her cheeks giving her away.

“Of course you didn’t,” I said through a small laugh. “The blonde girl who just left was Danni. She’s a friend of a friend.”

“She’s stunning.”

“She is,” I agreed. “The dark haired couple were Suzie and Paul.”

“I’ve heard you talk about them.”

“Right.” I inhaled through my nostrils, exhaling slowly as I said the next part. “And the blonde girl with the other guy is, in fact, Natalie. And her boyfriend, Alex.”

Alice blinked. “Your ex? And her new boyfriend?”

“Exactly.” I groaned.

“Looks like they threw you a little party,” she said, pointing at the thrown together decorations that were hanging from the walls and table.

“They’re good people.” I paused to lift a hand out of my pocket and gently scratch one side of my jaw. “Why are you here tonight, Alice?”

“It’s your birthday,” she said through a coy smile.

“You remembered.”

“Every year.”

I scowled at her nostalgic tone and blew out another long, almost painful exhale. There was a look she was giving me, one I’d seen a thousand times before. It portrayed an innocent face with a flash of devilish thoughts flickering behind her eyes. What I couldn’t understand was why she was wearing that look now.

“I have a lot of making up to do. I’ve missed so many of your birthdays. I’ve always wondered about you on this day. What could Marcus be doing right now? How is he celebrating? Does he still look young, like a boy, or has he grown into the man I always knew he could be. Does he have a wife, maybe some kids? Is he living? Is he happy?” Alice swallowed before she let her arms drop to her thighs. “Mainly, I wondered exactly that. If you were happy.”

My chest ached with a new old pain as I remained silent, staring down at her pale, flawless skin, her petite mouth, and her elegant neck. My small scowl sank deeper as I tried to think of something to say, but all I could do was study every inch of her the way I used to do all those years ago.

“Marcus…” she began, but I cut her off.

My voice was barely a whisper, and my lips had hardly parted as I let my eyes drift back up to her mouth. “What are you wondering about now that you’re here?”

“Oh… too many things. I’m still wondering if you’re happy.”

“No,” I answered honestly, quietly, painfully.

“And now I’m wondering why you’re not, given the wonderful life you have,” she said, taking a tentative step closer.

“I feel like I’m waiting for something.”

“What kind of something?”

“I wish I knew.”

“Now I’m wondering if it’s too late.”

My eyes flickered up to hers as I tried to swallow the giant lump in my throat. “If what’s too late?”

“For me to be that something. To say the things I never got to say. To do the things I never realised I was doing for the very last time back then.”

Alice had moved closer, and I had no idea if it was the alcohol, the scent of her perfume mixed with the winter outdoors, or just the man in me who was making himself known, but all I could think about doing was leaning down and kissing her… despite the heartache I knew would be waiting for me at the end of that kiss.

I hitched in a breath, feeling the thick of it get caught in the back of my throat. “You’re going to have to be more specific, Alice. My reading-between-the-lines skills are limited.”

Her eyelashes fluttered wildly. They flickered to my cheeks, then down to my lips before she took a step back, pressed her hand against my chest and let her glance fall down to the floor.

“I’m so sorry,” she croaked.

“What for?” I asked, my chest rising higher and falling harder as her palm stayed pressed against it.

“For always being so selfish when it comes to you. For thinking it’s okay for me to be here tonight when it isn’t. For wanting to find some comfort in some old memories.”

It wasn’t okay her being here. It wasn’t right, either. And she was on the money when she said it was selfish of her, but after the last few weeks of feeling like I had nobody there but her on the end of the phone, and Cameron in the back of a pub, I found myself feeling selfish, too.

There’d always been something about Alice Harper. There’d always been a pull—like she called to me on a level I had no control over. When she was sad, I wanted to make her happy. When she was happy, I wanted to make her elated. When she cried, the only thought in my mind was how gently I could wipe away her tears. And when she blushed, I couldn’t think of anything other than burying myself deep inside of her and making that hint of pink spread across every part of her skin.

Now she was standing in front of me, confusing every thought I’d had about her in recent years, but there was still that calling. There was still that need to scoop her up in my arms, cradle her against my chest and hold her tight. Even if I knew I shouldn’t…

Pulling her hand away from me, I let it drop down by her side before I raised her chin with a single finger.

I didn’t need to say anything. Neither did she. Our eyes stayed locked on one another’s as I slowly began to unbutton her heavy, wet coat. Her cheeks grew warmer as I slipped it down her shoulders before I reached across to lay it on the end of my sofa. When I turned back around to look at her, she was standing there in a floaty, pale pink shirt and dark blue jeans, looking more beautiful than ever.

My hands reached up to cup her face, and I bent at the knees so our eyes were level.

I pressed my lips to hers and relished in the feeling as they latched on like they’d just been reunited with the one thing they’d dreamed about the most. Even after years and years apart, everything instantly clicked into place, just like it always had done with Alice.

It was a gentle kiss at first, neither one of us believing it was happening and neither one of us wanting to let go. Her delicate fingers clambered up my chest, tiptoeing high enough before they curled into my shirt and clung on tightly.

She tasted exactly as I’d always remembered. Warm. Comforting. Like she was something I could get lost in for days if only she’d give in and let me.

Shit. I was losing control.

My eyes flickered open, but hers remained closed, peaceful, and lost in our connection. I angled my head to the other side, twisting our lips together and revelling in the sound of her soft moan as it rose from the very depths of her throat. It was easy and familiar, like we’d never been apart, and as my hands sought to touch more of her, she moved closer, pressing her body to mine until there wasn’t any space between us whatsoever. I pushed my fingers through her hair, down the curve of her neck, then across the goosebumps that rose in the small space at the top of her back. It didn’t take long for me to wrap her up in my arms, pulling her waist to mine as the kiss grew hungrier, needier, and more desperate for the reunion it had dreamed of for so long.

“M-Marcus,” she stuttered, speaking against my lips as I spun us both around until we were standing over the sofa.

“Alice,” I breathed out.

“Are you sure?”

I couldn’t answer verbally straight away. Everything was locked up. Hard. Too focused on the heady feeling that was coursing through my body, straight into my trousers. Holding her head with one hand while my other remained around her waist, I lowered Alice down onto the sofa until I was hovering above her—the way I’d done a thousand times before.

Her hair fanned out on the cushion beneath her, and that vulnerability shone from her face as it begged with puppy dog eyes for me to ruin her. The clear, conscious thoughts were seeping out of me as I lowered myself down onto her.

“No,” I eventually told her. “I’m not sure.”

“It feels so right to kiss you again.” She pushed her fingertips through both sides of my unruly hair, watching her hands as they caressed me.

“I know,” I whispered.

“You make me feel weak.”

“I know.”

“I wanted to wait. I just couldn’t.”

I closed my eyes, enjoying the feel of her nails grazing against my scalp as I held her beneath me. “Wait?”

“For you, Marcus.”

“You mean tonight?”

“Not just tonight.”

I frowned and released a grunt of air from the back of my throat. “What?”

“I had a plan. The plan was to let you go, then wait for you. Always you. To grow older and have lived alone, independently, then get you back somehow. To show my mother that I didn’t depend on a man the way she did. I let you go, but deep down I knew I was always going to find my way back to you.”

I searched the backs of my eyelids for some kind of clarity before I opened them to look at her. I was hoping to see a joking smile on her face, but her expression was serious, and it was honest.

“You’ve always been a part of my plan.” She smiled softly.

“P-Plan?” I whispered.

“But you lied. You said you wouldn’t make me fall for you again, and you did. Every time we had dinner together, you made me fall that little bit harder. Every time you smiled or made me laugh, I fell and kept on falling. The phone calls, the text messages… I had no chance of waiting until I was thirty before I came back to you.”

Plan. Wait for me. Get me back. Fall for me…

I pulled my chin back, trying to understand what it was that she was saying to me. I groaned, pressing my arms down into the sofa beside her, using my strength to lift me off of her just enough to create some distance. “Wait. You’re saying that you wanted to have me all along, even while we were apart. You just wanted to wait until we were… thirty?”

“I told you I needed space,” she said quietly.

Both brows rose high on my forehead. “You did?”

“I explained...”

“No, actually. You just left. You left without a word. For five long years.”

“I couldn’t say goodbye to you back then. If I had done that, I’d never have left.”

“Alice.” I groaned, rolling myself off her completely until I was sitting upright on the sofa. “I’ll admit I’ve had a bit to drink tonight so I might be a little slow, but… what in the mother of fuck are you saying to me here?”

She moved to come sit beside me, pressing her thighs to mine to get rid of any distance.

“I’m saying that I never stopped loving you, and if you can just wait for me, if you can just give me some rope, I know that when the time comes, I can be good for you. We’ve always been so good together. Getting back in touch with you those few months ago was the best thing I ever did. Spending time with you every Sunday, texting you when I’m feeling alone or down… you’re the highlight of my life again, and I don’t honestly know if I can give you up one more time.”

My eyes locked on hers, and my mouth fell open without any regret whatsoever. If there were any colour to my cheeks, I’d have been fucking surprised because, with just a few small sentences, Alice Harper had managed to rob me of every last bit of strength I had within me.

“Okay, so now I’m worried because I actually think you’re being serious here.” I searched her face for a lie. God, I hoped she was lying. Otherwise everything I thought I once knew about this woman was officially shattered to shit.

“I am.”

“No.” She couldn’t be.

“I’ve never been more serious,” she breathed back, her hands picking up both of mine and resting them in her lap as she worried my fingers with her thumbs. “If you could just wait for me a little while longer.”

“You…”

“If you could just believe that we’re right for each other like I do.”

“We…”

“If you could just give me three, four, five more yea—”

The slow rumble of a suppressed chuckle began to make my shoulders bounce. I tried to hold it in, but it was no use. The more serious she began to look, the more the laughter began to pour free.

“Four or five more years?” I squeaked.

“We’re so good together, Marcus. I want you.”

“Oh, you do, do you?” I asked, raising both brows and smirking as my eyes filled with amused tears.

“Yes,” she said with all the seriousness she could muster. “I know you want me, too.”

“And you expect me to wait around. Just like that.”

“In an ideal world. I think we could make it wor—”

“Stop. Just stop! Can you hear yourself?” I cried, my chin jutting forward as my eyes practically popped out of my head.

Alice blanched, her shoulders flinching in surprise as she looked up at me and paled. “I… I know it’s a lot to ask, but—”

“A lot to ask? Alice, you’ve lost the fucking plot.”

She scowled at me, her eyes searching mine in confusion. “Marcus…”

“No,” I said through the coldest, most sarcastic laugh I’d ever set free. “You want me,” I began, peeling my fingers out of hers as the remnants of laughter began to fade away, and the anger slowly crept up my spine. I had to distance myself from her. Fast. I stood up to pace the room erratically. “To wait for you for another four, maybe five years, until you feel ready enough to handle what we have together? Is that what I’m hearing?”

Her head fell as she clasped her hands together in her lap. “When you say it like that, I realise it sounds like I’m being...”

“Moronic? Delusional? Entitled? Arrogant? Selfish? Thoughtless? Presumptuous? Fucking sadistic?” I snapped, pushing my hands through my hair and holding them at the back of my head.

“Marcus.”

“Don’t. Do not say my name like I’m the irrational one, here.”

“Please.”

“I mean, I know I’m a pushover. Christ. I know I’ve always been a pushover. You knew it. Maybe Nat knew it. Sammy’s always known it. Cam’s always known it. I’ve always known it, but fuck me, Alice, I like to think I have a limit.”

Alice raised her head to look up at me through those sad, helpless eyes again. “I love you.”

Of all the times I'd wished to hear her say those words to me again.

Now they sounded like words of hate.

They sounded cheap.

“I love you,” she repeated.

“No, you don’t,” I panted, shaking my head with conviction and certainty. “You don’t do this to a person if you love them, Alice. You just love yourself. Do you even know what love is? It isn’t something that works to a schedule. It isn’t something that fits in with a life plan or follows a certain path. You can’t just call it up when you hit thirty and say, Oh, hey now, love. I’m ready for you. Find someone to put a ring on it and shove a few doses of strong sperm inside of me to knock me up, why don’t you? Or maybe, hey, love. Remember that guy I tricked into giving me everything he had all those years ago? The idiot who loved me too hard, too intensely? Remember that fool? Well, now I’m ready to feel for him what he felt for me. So if you can just rush that through for me, that’d be fucking peachy.”

I began to pace again, not taking a breath as my frustrations at her, at Nat, at myself, at every-fucking-body came pouring out at once. If she’d come here to try to get me to wake up to reality, she’d succeeded. The image Alice, and probably everyone else, had of me, was well and truly smacked in my face like it had the force of a strong man and a shovel behind it.

And it stung like a bitch.

“Love is uncontrollable,” I told her, gesticulating everywhere. “Love is something you can’t push down, can’t put in a box, something you cannot hide from no matter how hard you try. Love isn’t something you walk away from and plan to return to a decade later. That’s fucking greed. That’s selfishness. That’s cruel. Love wouldn’t do all those things just to prove a point to a mother who obviously didn’t want to take her daughter’s feelings into account when she started making ridiculous demands of her. Love doesn’t answer to anyone. And guess what, Alice? Love doesn’t come knocking on someone’s door on their birthday, after years and years in hiding, asking them to hang in there and wait another five years until they’re ready again.”

“I should—”

“You don’t love me,” I spat out, turning my disgust on to her. “You just assumed I’m the guy who isn’t cruel enough to say no to you… and you were so fucking wrong.”

“… go,” she finished, carefully pushing herself up off the sofa and keeping her head down as she went to retrieve her coat. Alice shrugged back into it, and all I could do was watch her begin to walk away again, my chest heaving with anger and rage as the injustice I’d suffered came out like a thousand invisible paper aeroplanes that were all diving to land at her feet.

“That’s it. Off you go. When the going gets tough, you run quicker than a flash of lightning.”

“That’s not fair.”

“Give me one good reason why it isn’t? One.”

Alice stared down at her feet. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Yeah, well, you did it anyway.”

“I wish you could just understa—”

“I’m not waiting for you, Alice,” I told her quietly, my breaths sawing in and out of my chest. “I'm not waiting for anybody anymore.”

“Understood,” she said weakly, turning her chin up to look at me. Tears filled her eyes, and while a huge part of me wanted to run to her and wipe them away—to smack myself for saying the things I’d just said to her and maybe at least attempt to hold on for her in the future—the bigger part of me won out. The part that wanted someone, somewhere, to want me for who the fuck I was, right there, in that very moment. Someone who had nobody else on their mind. Someone who wanted me in all of their days. Someone who would never make me feel like I didn’t deserve the best.

That was what I’d given to the women in my life.

Didn’t I deserve the same effort in return?

“I really am sorry.”

“So am I,” I croaked as I stood there with my hands falling to my hips. “Don’t bother calling me again.” I glanced up at her. “This time I need space.”

Alice opened her mouth to say something, perhaps make one final plea, but she clearly thought better of it as she pressed her lips together, looked down at her feet and gave a small, weak nod. “I deserved that. Happy birthday, Marcus,” she whispered before she turned on her heels and rushed out of my apartment just like she’d rushed out of my dorm, all those years ago.

“Goodbye, Alice,” I mouthed as I watched her go.

I let my chin fall to my chest and stared at the floor for what felt like forever. I didn’t move. I couldn’t. I was winded like I’d just run a marathon. Exhausted, embarrassed, and disgusted into a statue of shame.

Until a pair of hands curled around my shoulders ever so gently, and a soft head came to rest against my back with a tenderness I hadn’t felt before. When I blinked out of my daze and slowly began to turn to look behind me, a head of blonde hair rested there—a sunshine crescent vision on the horizon of a dark and dreary room.

“Danni?” I whispered.

“Just pretend I'm not here,” she mumbled into the material of the shirt on my back.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m holding you. That bitch just broke you apart, and I’m trying to squeeze all your cracks back together.”

“You heard?”

“All of it. I waited outside. When I first saw her, I wasn’t sure if she was someone you loved or someone who needed her arse kicked You had that look on your face when you saw her walk through the door before.”

“What look?”

“The one that said there was a fine line between love and hate.”

“Sometimes that line feels like it doesn’t exist. Love and hate kind of just live together.”

“I was about to leave when I heard you shouting. I promise. I’m not some creepy weirdo who listens in on people making out.”

“Wouldn’t hate you for it even if you were,” I told her weakly.

“Want me to fuck her up? I can make it happen.”

“No.”

“You want me to leave you alone?”

I sighed, feeling the smile fall from my face as I looked down at the floor again. “No.”

“Let’s stay like this for a little longer then,” she said softly.

And we did. The two of us remained standing like that for a while. I didn’t know what time it was when we eventually moved. I didn’t know what time it was when we walked to the sofa and rested our heads against one another’s like we’d been close friends since birth, rather than two people who hardly knew each other.

I didn’t know much of anything, and I didn’t care to question it, either. All that mattered was that I had someone who had bothered to stick around. Someone good who reminded me of the sunshine when everything else seemed cold and dark. I was grateful for it. I was grateful for Danni, and I was grateful for her being my seatbelt in the rollercoaster that was my life that night.