Ben

Watching as his woman quickly waded back into the water up to her neck, Ben looked over his head into the branches of the massive oak tree, sighing heavily when he saw the elderly couple perched in a deer stand.  “Mr. Jethro?  Miss Orla?  Is that you?” 

Applause was his only response for a full thirty seconds as the geriatric couple cackled and clapped above him. 

“Ben!” Sami’s frantic voice called from the spring.  “Who the hell are those people?”

Bare-assed naked, Ben rose and strode back to the water’s edge where he’d discarded his pants earlier, shaking his head the entire way as he studiously ignored the loud whistles and catcalls of Orla McKinnon.  The old woman was virtually harmless, but the entire town knew she had a weakness for ogling men… particularly naked men if the town lore was to be believed, and mounting evidence was proving the gossip to be correct.   “Vixen, it’s okay,” he assured his panicked woman calmly.  “It’s just our local, elderly peeping Toms, otherwise known as Jethro and Orla McKinnon.”

“Hey, who you callin’ elderly, youngster?” Orla McKinnon’s offended voice called back as the ancient woman stood beside her husband inside the deer stand.  “My Jethro never almost lost his balance when he was nailin’ me to the tree.  I’m sorry, but I gotta deduct serious points for that dismount, boy.  You got extra points for stamina, however, so it all evens out,” she informed him with a satisfied nod of her head.  “Your blonde bombshell, though… she gets double points for flexibility.  I swear, I’ve never seen a woman get her leg that high before without bein’ a porno star.”  Narrowing her rheumy gaze on Sami, Orla cocked her head to the side.  “You ain’t a skin flick princess, are you, honey?”

Swallowing hard, Sami shook her head slowly.  “No, ma’am,” Ben heard her whisper.

Orla’s face lit up again.  “Then, darlin’, you do indeed get those bonus points,” she announced proudly.

“Uh…. Thanks?” Sami replied uncertainly, her desperate eyes going to Ben as he nodded supportively.

“And just for the record, “Jethro called down from his perch, “I ain’t no peeping anything.  She is,” the old man stated firmly, nodding at his wife.  “I’m just an innocent hunter who was minding his own business when this young couple came along and desecrated my tree.  I was just too polite to interrupt the mating rituals that was goin’ on earlier,” Jethro declared, blinking innocently as he shot Sami a wide, toothy grin.

Scandalized, Sami turned bright red as she met the old man’s eyes for a long moment before jerking her gaze to Ben.  “Oh, God, Ben!” she whimpered.

“It’s okay,” Ben reassured her gently, shooting the older couple an exasperated look.  “Trust me, baby, Miss Orla’s seen a lot worse than this,” he murmured to his girl before looking back up at the senior members of the McKinnon family. 

“Oh, Lord, yes,” Orla agreed with a ready nod.  “Why, I can tell you what almost every man’s hind end in Paradise looks like,” she shared with a gleeful smile.  “Go ahead.  Quiz me,” she invited with an eager nod of her head.

Ben was relieved to see his vixen slowly relaxing even as she shook her head and murmured, “No, that’s okay.”  He hadn’t imagined the way her lips twitched as she tried not to smile.

“Aw, look Jethro!  She’s shy!  Darlin’, Jethro and me have already seen all your bouncy bits jigglin’ in the air.  We don’t have no secrets left from each other.  Here…I’ll start.  Let me tell you about the sheriff’s tight little…”

“Miss Orla!” Ben yelled.  “Before we start chattin’ about Sheriff Zeke’s dangling business, let’s talk about what the hell you two are out here doing?  I thought the girls put you two on a three-mile tether to town,” he asked, raising his voice to be heard as the wind kicked up a bit.   “And I know for a fact that we’re at least fifteen miles out.”

“Well, since we’re up in a stand, I’d say it’s a fair guess that we’re probably hunting,” Orla returned with a careless shrug, lifting a hand to adjust her bright orange cap on top of her head.

“Hunting what exactly?” Ben yelped as Sami could only continue to stare in horror at the older couple.

“Well, we started hunting bears at daylight, but I switched to huntin’ hard-ons about thirty minutes ago.  Spotted a big ‘un, too,” she added with a cackle, nudging her grinning husband with her elbow. “’Bout nine inches, you lucky duck,” she continued to giggle, wiggling her eyebrows at Sami.

“Oh, sweet baby Jesus,” Sami breathed, sinking deeper into the water.

“Oh, I wouldn’t call on Him.  I dunno if Jesus would approve of what I saw earlier, girlie,” Jethro chided, shaking his head as his grizzled face grinned.

“Very funny,” Ben returned, rolling his eyes.  “Why the hell didn’t you two holler at us or something?”

“Well, that would have just been indelicate,” Orla scoffed as she began to climb down the ladder that neither Ben nor Sami had previously noticed.  Of course, they’d both been a little preoccupied.

“Wait a sec,” Sami grumbled, squeezing her eyes shut as she tried hard to place the familiar name.  Orla.  Jethro.  McKinnon.    “Why have I heard y’all’s name before?”

“Probably because you met half the McKinnon family at the diner in town yesterday,” Ben replied, frowning at the ancient pair of troublemakers as they continued clamoring down the tree. 

“Hold on a sec!  You mean these two are the same aunt and uncle that sweet woman at the diner kept talking about?  The little old couple that raised her and her sisters?” Sami said, flapping a hand at Orla and Jethro.

“She must be talkin’ ‘bout Honor,” Orla announced knowingly, grinning at Jethro.

“I wish they’d stop callin’ us old,” Jethro muttered.  “I’ll show those whippersnappers old when I kick their cans to kingdom come.”

Patting his back, Orla nodded.  “I’ll hold your huntin’ rifle while you do it, honey.”

Snorting, Ben held up a towel and gestured for Sami to come toward the shore.  “Listen, when you two are finished plannin’ our demise, I’m hoping you’ll consider giving me and my girl a little privacy and forgetting about what you saw here today.  Sami is new in town, and I’d hate for her to be embarrassed by –“

“Getting frisky in the forest?” Orla supplied with a wink.

Coughing to cover his laugh, Ben fought his smile as he tossed a towel toward Sami, watching her catch it mid-air.  “Yeah, exactly,” he agreed with Orla, feeling his own cheeks begin to heat under her amused eyes. 

“Well, Jethro and I would be happy to help keep your sordid little secret, Benjamin.  For the right price, of course.  We’ll even give you the friends and family rate.  All you and your pretty lady need to do is just agree that you won’t run and tattle to our kinfolk that we wandered past our family-mandated parameters,” she bargained sweetly.  “You can agree to that, can’t you?

“Why, Miss Orla, this sounds an awful lot like blackmail,” Ben drawled with a chuckle. 

Orla smiled as she watched Sami wade toward the shore, wrapping her towel around her middle as she began to climb out of the hot spring.  “Blackmail is such an uncharitable word.  Not very Christian at all.  I prefer to think of this as a slightly unbalanced exchange of favors.”

Laughing outright, Ben nodded as he snagged his shirt from the ground and pulled it over his head.  “Whatever it is, you’ve got a deal, Miss Orla,” he assented readily as he bent to gather Sami’s clothing.

“Well, good,” Orla declared happily.  “It’s good to do business with you, Benny,” she praised, lifting a hand to pat his beard.  “And Sami, is it?” Orla called, turning toward where Samantha stood on the bank drying her hair with the other towel.

“Yes, ma’am?’ Sami answered hesitantly as the old woman approached her.

“I just want you to know that you’re man over there has been a right sweet fella since he moved to town a couple years ago.  Quiet.  Kind.  And if I can be honest, a little bit boring.  Hardly a bit of gossip about him other than what I put out there… which wasn’t much, let me tell you.  I had to estimate the size of his… assets just to have a little something to say about him.  Although at least now I know that my guesstimate was close.  I’d tagged his tallywhacker to be right at eight inches.  I’m pleased as punch to know he surpassed my expectations.  That don’t happen real often.  You make sure you appropriately show that monster the appreciation it deserves.  Your man will thank you for it.  Just ask my Jethro here.  Remember, good luck comes to those who’ll suck.”

Ben’s jaw dropped as Sami nodded dumbly.

“Good girl,” Orla praised merrily, patting Sami’s pale cheek.  “Come by the diner when y’all get back to town and visit me, Sami.  Based on the size of your man’s package, you and I have more than a few things in common,” she noted, jerking her thumb suggestively at her own husband.   “See you kids soon,” she said as she took Jethro’s hand as they toddled back down the trail.

Ben and Sami waited until the elderly pair were out of sight to burst out into laughter.