Ben
“Fuck!” Ben cursed as he tossed down his latest picture of one of the Appalachian mountain ranges he’d photographed last week during his hike. The sun had totally obscured the shot he’d been trying to achieve, throwing the entire photograph out of balance. Definitely not his best work and hardly what his client had asked for. It looked as if he’d be packing up for another jaunt up the mountain later in the week. Hopefully the weather would hold out for him long enough to get the picture he needed.
Reaching for his cup of coffee with one hand, he flipped on his darkroom light with the other as the bell rang at the front of his studio, alerting him that someone had come through the door. “Be right there!” he called out as he quickly straightened the remaining photos that would work for his friend, Axton Calhoun. The man owned the local hunting lodge and had recently contracted him to do some publicity shots for his family business. And since nature shots were his favorite kind of work, Ben had jumped at the chance to get out of the studio and help his friend out.
Snatching a rag off the table before opening the heavy door, he wiped his damp hands as he hurried toward the front of the cavernous building, grinning as he looked around at the framed photographs on the wall. He was proud of his studio. Three years ago when he’d landed in Paradise, TN, he’d only thought he’d be visiting the quaint town, stopping only long enough to take a few photographs of the mountains for a National Geographic special. Fate, however, had other ideas.
After spending a year wandering from country to country, nursing a broken heart and taking pictures of any and everything, he’d found this little slice of heaven on earth. Paradise was a fitting name for the place that had helped heal his heart over the past three years. After he arrived, he’d fallen in love with the town almost instantly, loving the small town vibe and friendly atmosphere this little community offered. Here, everybody knew who their neighbor was and everyone was on a first name basis with the local Sheriff, Zeke Monroe. Life in this little town still centered around the church and Friday night football games at the high school – in that order. Most everyone ate at least once a week at the only sit-down restaurant in town, the I Don’t Care Café, which was run by the four McKinnon sisters. Although none of those women were actually McKinnons any longer since each one was happily married (one had even married Sheriff Zeke). Lucky for him, he was friends with all of them, and if someone called you their friend in Paradise, it meant something. These locals would go to the wall to protect one of their own, a phenomenon he’d witnessed again and again, firsthand. And Ben loved that about this place.
“Hello? Ben? Are you here?” he heard a familiar feminine voice shout from the front of the studio.
Freezing mid-step, Ben closed his eyes as he instantly recognized that precise drawl. “Shit,” he muttered as his hands clenched into fists at his side. Vivian fucking Miller. Christ, he’d been successfully avoiding that woman for months. Why the hell did she decide to seek him out today? Every time he saw Viv around town, it forced him to think about a past he’d been trying hard to forget. A past that included Viv’s best friend, Samantha Dixon – the single hottest woman he’d ever had the pleasure of fucking. If only he could forget her as easily.
Sami had been hot as fuck between the sheets, but he’d learned too late that her heart was encased in ice. He’d loved her – his sweet, sassy vixen. Not just any old love either. It had been that crazy, deep, forever and beyond kind of love. And he’d thought she felt it, too. But when things got real and he’d wanted them to formally commit to a life together, she’d bailed on him. The mercenary bitch had wanted fame and fortune rather than a family with him. She’d had more money than she’d ever spend in a lifetime, but she’d still been greedy for more. So greedy, in fact, that she’d dumped him when he’d given her the choice of having him or having her modeling career.
Her choice had nearly destroyed him. Even three years later, he couldn’t stand the thought of letting somebody close to him. He’d exposed himself to vulnerability once and he’d nearly been gutted by the woman he loved. The idea of taking that chance again? Hell, no!
He’d had a handful of one-night stands over the years, but he never went back for seconds. Each time had been an empty experience for him. A physical release for an emotionally bankrupt man. After the last one a couple of years ago, he’d given up. Jacking off when the urge became too much to handle was easier than dealing with a clingy female that wanted more from him than he was able to give.
Sami had shattered his heart and his belief in forever.
And now her best friend was here in his studio calling his name. This wasn’t the first time Vivian had tried talking to him. The woman had tried to corner him at Sheriff Zeke’s wedding to Honor McKinnon. He’d been the wedding photographer and Viv had been there as a guest of the bride. He’d been shocked to see her, but Honor had explained that Viv was one of the attorneys in town to work on the Diego Fuentes drug case. Luckily, he’d been able to avoid Viv’s attempts at communication by keeping busy taking photos of the wedding party. The woman had finally given up and walked away. Since then, she’d tried to catch him a couple of times at the café, but he’d always been able to slip out the back before she got too close to him. He should have known the determined woman would finally get frustrated and bring the fight to him. Vivian had always been a woman who confronted problems head-on. It’s what made her an excellent lawyer.
He couldn’t imagine what Vivian had to say to him, though. He and Samantha had been split for a little over three years and not once had any of their shared friends reached out to him. Not even Devil, who he’d gone to college with. Nope, they’d chosen Samantha. And that was fine. Keeping in touch with their old crew would have only hurt more. Radio silence had worked for him. So, why the FUCK was Vivian trying to change that now?
“There you are!” Vivian huffed in exasperation as she walked through the large studio, her heels clicking against the cement floor as she approached him. “I know you don’t want to see me, Ben, but I need to talk to you. It’s important!”
Ben stiffened as Vivian got closer to him. Shaking his head, Ben’s jaw flexed as he met the dark haired woman’s eyes. “You need to go, Vivian. I don’t want to be rude to you, but you and I have nothing to talk about. We haven’t spoken for over three years and I see no reason for us to talk now.”
“Ben….”
“No,” Ben snapped, slicing a hand through the air. “The time for us to have a conversation would have been three years ago, Viv. We were friends once. And you just cut me out of your life. You all did. You, Devil, Molly, Mannie… you were my family, too, but every one of you cut me out. And for what? Some perceived slight to Samantha?”
“Ben, you need to listen to me….”
“Fuck listening. The time to talk was years ago, but you chose your side. You picked that selfish bitch over me. You didn’t even give me a chance to tell you my side of things. I called you, Viv. I reached out to ALL of you, but you all took that greedy cunt’s word for everything and never bothered to return one of my phone calls!”
“Stop!” Vivian yelled, her eyes flashing with anger. “Don’t you dare speak about Samantha that way! She does not deserve that shit from you. You have no idea what that woman has been through in the last three years!”
“Don’t YOU tell me what I can say in my own studio,” Ben roared as all the pain he’d endured from Sami rushed back to the surface of his consciousness. “That fucking friend of yours ripped out my heart three years ago, Vivian. She gutted me. And what the hell was my crime, huh? I loved her. I wanted a life with her. I wanted to have children with her. I wanted to give her everything, but I wasn’t enough for her. I wasn’t e-fucking-nough, Vivian! She wanted more. It was always fucking more with Samantha. More money. More fame. More accolades. The life I offered her wasn’t enough. How the fuck do you expect me to feel about the mercenary bitch?” he growled, his chest heaving with exertion.
Vivian’s eyes clouded with tears as she faced the wounded man in front of her. “Ben,” she said softly, “There are a lot of things you don’t know about that time in Sami’s life. A lot of things she felt like she couldn’t tell you.”
“Oh, Samantha told me plenty, Vivian. She told me I was controlling. She told me I was trying to hold her back. She told me I was a bully. Believe me, Samantha made her position crystal fucking clear right before she walked out on me.”
“She was lying, Ben,” Vivian informed the angry man softly. “She was trying to push you away.”
Blinking as Viv’s words registered in his mind, Ben frowned. “Mission accomplished then. She pushed me right the hell out of her life. And what do you mean she was lying? What the fuck are you talking about, Vivian?” Ben’s stomach knotted as he watched Vivian fidget in front of him. It was obvious the woman was torn about how much to tell him, and the longer she stood there, the more confused he became. “Whatever it is, I deserve to know. I’ve lived the last three years hating Samantha for what she did to us, despising her for the choices she made. If you know something that will change that, I need to know.”
Closing her eyes, Viv took a deep breath. “It’s supposed to be sisters before misters,” she murmured weakly with a hollow laugh before she forced her eyes to his. “I’m breaking the woman code here, Ben, but I don’t know what else to do. I’ve talked to the others. Molly, Devil and Mannie all believe that you need to know the truth. Maybe it will help her…”
“Help Samantha, you mean?” Ben asked, trying to follow Vivian’s disjointed thinking.
“It’s been three years and my best friend is still lost to us, Ben,” Vivian explained in a small voice. “Her smile… it’s empty. The light in her eyes… it’s gone.”
Ben’s stomach twisted painfully. “Vivian, for the love of God, why are you telling me this?” Ben asked huskily, his throat thick with emotion. “Sami isn’t mine to take care of anymore. She made sure of that. I don’t know what you think…”
“Samantha hasn’t been truly happy since the day you guys split up,” Vivian interrupted. “And now with everything she’s going through….”
“Viv, just rip off the goddamn bandage. Why the fuck did you come here? Why the fuck are you dredging all this up from the past? I’ve been successfully ignoring you for months now. Why can’t you just let that continue and let the past rest?”
“Because it’s time you knew the truth about Samantha,” she declared with a heavy sigh.
“I already do. She’s a greedy, manipulative, selfish cunt that wanted her fame more than she wanted me,” Ben spat viciously. “I don’t care about her empty smiles or vacant eyes. It’s not my problem,” he insisted desperately even though his heart pounded in his chest and he itched to find his former girlfriend and put the light back in her eyes.
“She didn’t break up with you for money or fame, Ben. Her reasons were complicated, but I swear to you, it had nothing to do with the cold, hard dollar,” Vivian returned vehemently. “And I swear to God if you call my best friend one more vile name, I’ll scratch your eyes out! She doesn’t deserve that from you! Samantha is the most giving, selfless woman I have ever known! You have NO IDEA of the sacrifices that woman made so that you could have a chance to find what you wanted! She’s a good person, and you will NOT insult her anymore! Not to me!” Vivian yelled, slapping her hands against Ben’s solid chest and shoving him backward. “Stop being an asshole and think about it! You KNEW Samantha. Did she ever seem like the kind of woman to put money and fame above the people she loved?”
Gripping Vivian’s slender wrists, he gently, but firmly removed them from his chest. “You are talking in fucking riddles and I don’t have time for this bullshit! C’mon, Vivian Miller, attorney at law, if you want me to buy into this shit you’re pushing, sell me a narrative I can believe in,” Ben demanded, swallowing hard as he watched Vivian’s anger level up another notch.
“You need to make time for what I have to say, you ass! As for selling you a new narrative, I really hope you know what you’re asking for,” Vivian retorted harshly. “You were with Sami for years, Ben. Did you ever see her act selfishly before that last month you were together?”
Pressing his lips together, Ben thought back over his relationship with Sami and slowly shook his head. Viv was right. Samantha might have been a handful at times, but she was never selfish or greedy. Quite the opposite, actually. She always gave back to those around her. Whether making a donation to needy charity or buying gifts for her friends, Samantha had always been generous. Feeling sick, Ben shook his head. Nothing made sense. The more he thought about things, the more strange Sami’s words and actions during that last month together seemed.
“Your last fight…the one that ended things between the two of you… what was it about, Ben?” Vivian asked quietly.
Closing his eyes, Ben grimaced. “Kids,” he confided huskily. “I told her I wanted to get married and have kids. I’d been saying it for months, but that night I gave her a choice. A family or her career. And we all know what she chose.”
“Because she felt like she had no choice, Ben,” Vivian noted gently. “She wanted you to have what you wanted and she couldn’t give it to you. She pushed you away to give you a shot at the future you wanted. Not because she didn’t want you. She wanted you so much, but what you wanted from her…she knew she couldn’t deliver on those dreams of yours.”
Ben felt as though the earth shifted underneath his feet. “What?” he whispered. “Why? Why would she feel like that?”
“I’m breaking her confidence here, Ben, but somebody has got to tell you the truth before you two lose your chance to be together. The month before you broke up, Sami had a routine doctor appointment with her OB-GYN and mentioned that she felt like she was ready to have kids. The doctor performed some routine tests and found that…well, children were going to be virtually impossible for our girl, Ben. Over the next several weeks, she saw a lot of doctors. Second, third and fourth opinions all confirmed the same thing. Samantha is infertile, Ben. She couldn’t give you the babies you wanted so much, and it devastated her.”
“No,” Ben breathed as he fought a wave of dizziness. Christ, no! This couldn’t be happening. He had to have heard Vivian wrong. “That’s why she broke it off? She thought I wanted kids more than I wanted her?” he bit out, reaching out to brace his hand against the wall as emotions warred inside him for dominance.
Pain. Anger. Sadness. Betrayal.
He felt them all.
But it was the guilt that was going to kill him.
Fuck, the things he’d said to her that night three years ago. She’d never forgive him for the awful things he’d said to her. He’d never forgive himself. Why the fuck hadn’t she just been honest.
As if Vivian could hear the questions in his mind, she murmured, “She wanted to protect you, Ben. Protecting you was Sami’s number one priority.”
Scrubbing a hand down his face, Ben groaned. “Fuck, Viv!! Why didn’t you tell me? Its three years too late for me to beg her forgiveness… to tell her that she was the only thing I couldn’t live without. Why the hell are you doing this to me now?”
“Because your second chance is on the horizon, old friend, and believe me or not, I’m here trying to right a wrong that happened three years ago. Me…Armando… Molly and Devil… we all decided that after this last week that Sami’s had that it was past time to face the past. We’ve been talking about it since the first time I saw you in Paradise. Personally, I’m not a big believer in fate, but seeing you here in the middle of freaking nowhere had to have been some kind of cosmic sign from the universe. So, the people that love Sami are trying to give her the future she deserves. And she was never happier than when she was with you. What I have to know before this goes any further is if Samantha’s infertility is a deal breaker for you?”
“I haven’t been able to love another woman since we split up, Viv. I won’t lie and say I’ve been a monk, but a few one night stands do not a relationship make. When Sami left me, she took my heart. And she’s never given it back,” Ben confessed truthfully. “I’ve only ever wanted kids with her, but I never said they had to be biologically ours. We could have adopted a kid. Hell, with our money, we could have easily afforded adoption if it came to that. So, no, infertility wasn’t and isn’t a deal breaker for me. And the fact that she thought it would be kills me. Now, tell me where the other half of my soul is, Vivian, so that I can find her and make this right. I’ll leave tonight.” Now, that he knew the truth, the only thing in the world he wanted was to find the woman who owned him and plead with her to give them another chance. No power in this life or the next would keep him from finding her. One way or another Samantha Dixon would be his again. Knowing he hadn’t been second best… that in the end she had chosen his happiness over hers was enough to nearly bring him to his knees. He wanted to weep at the nasty things he’d said and thought about her. He should have known his vixen wouldn’t have been so shallow and cruel. But now was the time for him to man-the-fuck-up and be the guy he should have been then.
His woman was out there…
And he was going to find her.
“You don’t need to go anywhere, Ben,” Vivian informed him quietly. “Sami is already on her way here. Now, let’s you and me go sit down. I need to fill you in on a few things that have been happening in our girl’s life lately. There’s a lot you need to know.”
Staring eagerly into Vivian’s hopeful eyes, Ben began to believe in the power of miracles.