Though I saw it coming, it still hurts. The pain is still there no matter how hard I try to cover it up. Love: such a small word with such power. I still love him so hard. I want to be with him, but his responsibilities are not my own. I’m not willing to simplify my life to fight with his. I’m more than that.
Heartbreak isn’t beautiful. It isn’t fucking poetry. It’s feeling okay for weeks at a time and then all of a sudden, you feel the ghost of their lips on your neck and their nails on your back and then you’re chocking on memories of their presence. It’s waking up from dreams of them. Every night. It’s staring into their eyes sitting across from you when you can’t look away, but so wanting to look away. It’s breaking more and more, each day a piece of your relationship fading into existence.
And while everyone around us is subdued into conversation, I’m not nearly into it as they are. Elliot is trying to be part of it, but I can see the struggle in his eyes. Tempted to say something, anything, I’m interrupted by someone crashing our beautiful family dinner.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Elliot’s voice is filled with anger.
“Excuse me?” she says smiling, it’s as if she expected no other reaction than the one she received.
“Is that?” I whisper, clearly louder than I had thought.
“Samantha, yeah. Follow me,” he grabs her and I watch the two walk away in secrecy.
But before they had a chance to go far, Janine had stopped them, “Oh, so you’re Samantha,” she braves to say.
“Yes, hi future Grandma, I’m sure Elliot has told you he has a baby on the way,” she rubs her belly with such delight.
“I’m not sure about that,” she mentions, confusion crossing my face as I watch this altercation.
“Of course, you would think that, you’re on your son’s side, and can’t imagine him knocking a girl up because you’ve taught him better,” I’ve never seen Janine so fire red.
“Young lady,” my father instills fear, well let’s say tries with this girl, but she’s cold stone.
“I’m not sure what any of this is your concern,” Samantha laughs.
“Samantha! Now!” Elliot grabs her by the hand and drags her away.
“Ouch, baby, you’re hurting me,” she whines.
“Don’t baby me. We’re not a couple. You mean nothing to me. Get the hell out of my life. I don’t know how you found this address and honestly, I don’t give a shit. You need to leave, now.”
“Your GPS of course, duh Elliot.” I’ve met some awful people in my life, but this girl tops that list by a long shot. “Besides, you can’t get rid of me and our baby that fast. You’ll have lots of child support and you’ll want to see this baby as often as you can, don’t you?” I watch them walk away.
Slightly amused, but also broken by this torn relationship, I excuse myself and walk away. There’s a park nearby I find some solace. On the swings, at the playground I played as a young girl, I stare up at the stars and feel the sprinkles of rain falling from the dark skies above. Swinging back and forth, with each swing the rain picks up. I’m not even bothered by the fact there’s lightning far in the distance. I continue to swing thinking only of Elliot wondering how I got here. I feel alone, even when I’m surrounded by many people.
“Hey,” a silhouette with an umbrella appears as I swing in the darkness under the pouring rain.
“Hey Elliot,” never stopping.
“Are you having fun?”
“I guess,” I slow down my speed as he leans against the swing post.
“Do you think we could talk?” he slowly approaches the empty swing next to me.”
“Sure,” because honestly, I don’t see why not, I owe him at least that.
Silence fills us for a moment as he holds the umbrella over my head getting close to me on his swing, “I never intended on this,” he drags the words.
“I figured.”
“That night, when I cooked and asked you to come over, I was going to tell you everything about Samantha. I don’t love her like I love you, Melody,” his words just fall out of his mouth, but I find no words in response. “I don’t think I ever loved her. I didn’t know she was pregnant when I broke things off with her, I didn’t know she was in town, I didn’t know she claims I’m the father. I caught her cheating on me, so my doubts of this child being mine are high. I don’t know if I want to believe it’s not my child or wondering why I don’t feel any connection to the child. I can’t seem to wrap my head around it. I’m not ready to be a father, so I know for sure you’d never want to take on the responsibility of being with someone that has a child. I understand Melody, I just wish we had the chance to talk it over before it was too late,” I hear the sigh in his voice.
“I do, too,” are the only words I manage to release from my lips.
We continue to swing in silence when I finally gathered the courage to talk.
“Elliot,” I whisper.
“Yes, Melody?”
“You’ll always have a part of my heart, and I’m sure we’re going to see each other in the future since our parents seem to be getting along very well.”
“Uh huh,” I hear the hope in his voice.
“But I think it’s best if we just move forward concentrating on our careers and remain maybe friends?”
“Friends? I don’t know if I can do that,” the sadness is clear.
“I’m sorry, Elliot, but that’s all I can give right now.” I know he’s hurt. So am I. But there’s no future for us. We’re two musicians trying to follow our dreams and passions, and a broken relationship to concentrate on will only hinder us in the future. I can’t bear thinking I might have cost him a career and I’m not willing to give up on mine. “I just think it’s better that way.”
“Yeah,” he agrees, probably not willingly, but I’m sure to shut me up.
“We’re getting soaked, I think it’s best we walk back,” he helps me off the swing never taking the umbrella from me.
Walking side by side, sharing the cover of an umbrella, his body so close to mine, it costs so much strength not to let myself go and fall into him. To have him be the man by my side that I hoped he’d always be. It’s in my hands. All I would have to say is, I love you, forgive me, take me back, but I can’t, knowing what damage it just might cause. We were grown-ups about this break up and that alone makes me feel a little better. I’ll never truly get over him, but it’s best this way.