“ Stop it!” I cried as Carson slammed back into the wall behind him.
A livid-looking Rory turned back to me and pointed an accusing finger in Carson’s direction as he clutched his bleeding nose. “You said you didn’t have the energy to punch him in the face, so I figured I’d do it for you!” he barked.
An unwilling smile twitched at the corner of my mouth. Although I didn’t approve of violence at all, the fact he was standing up to someone older than him on my behalf just served to remind me what a great little brother I had. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t really want to reprimand him, but I knew I needed to.
Carson pushed himself upright, shaking his head. “You’re fucking lucky you’re underage,” he grumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose.
One of Rory’s eyebrows rose in challenge. “Oh, yeah, and why’s that, dickwad?”
I shook my head quickly, stepping between them and holding my hands up in protest. “Rory, just don’t,” I pleaded.
“Tell me you’re not seriously moving in with this bellend!” Rory snapped, narrowing his eyes over my shoulder. “I could just kick the snot out of him and throw him out.”
“You could try!” Carson growled from behind me, stepping closer to me and gripping my hips as he attempted to push me out of the way so I wasn’t between them. “Don’t stand there, Emma. If your runt of a brother foams at the mouth again, you’ll get hurt.”
I shoved his hands off me and held my ground. “Just stop it, both of you. What are you, three? Grow up!”
“Runt of a brother?” Rory repeated, gritting his teeth. “Twat.”
Twisting on the spot, I put one hand on each of their chests and pushed as hard as I could, separating them. “Stop it!” I shouted angrily.
“Mummy?” I heard from the living room. The four of us in the hallway fell silent and looked toward the living room door as the handle rattled where Sasha was obviously trying to get out because she’d heard me. “Muuuuuuummmmmmmmyyyyyyyy!”
When I looked back to Carson, I saw his mouth was open as he stared at the door. He wasn’t moving. The blood had stopped from his nose, but it covered his lips and chin and had dripped down onto the front of his shirt. He looked like something from a horror film.
“Your face,” I muttered with wide eyes.
His hand shot up, cupping his nose and mouth. I didn’t even see Lucie disappear, but she came running back from the kitchen with a tea towel in her hand which she threw at Carson just as the living room door opened.
Sasha’s little face peeked out of the room, looking left before turning to the right. Her blue eyes lit up when she saw me, and a gigantic smile stretched across her face as she giggled and rushed out of the room, running toward me as her brown curls bounced with each step. “Mummy!”
I grinned and bent, catching her just as she jumped at me. “Hey, beautiful,” I greeted, planting a big kiss on her lips. I stood and lifted her, hugging her tightly to me. “I missed you! Been good for Lucie?” I asked.
She nodded. “Play minoes. Falls down!” she replied excitedly, pointing back toward the door.
I looked at Lucie for help, not knowing what she was saying. “Dominoes,” Lucie explained. “We’re trying to make a domino trail, but it’s not going well. Keeps falling down, right, Sash?”
I grinned and nodded. “Dominoes? Sounds like fun.”
I turned to Carson. He was just staring at Sasha with wide, clearly-awed eyes. His mouth still hung open, the tea towel Lucie had given him long forgotten as he dragged his eyes over every inch of his daughter’s face. His whole body was alert and on edge. The way he was looking at her so adoringly made my heart ache and my stomach clench. It was as if he were looking at the Eighth Wonder of the World. He wasn’t even blinking, and he was barely breathing. I’d never seen love at first sight, but if I had to describe what it looked like it would be Carson looking at his daughter for the first time. Impossibly, my love for him seemed to double just because of the tender, adoring way he was looking at my little girl.
I looked back at Sasha as she played with my hair, wrapping it around her chubby fingers. “Sasha, there’s someone here who wants to meet you,” I said, swallowing the lump in my throat. Her big, blue eyes came up to meet mine. I motioned toward Carson with one hand, not really knowing how to make this introduction at all. “This is Carson. He’s your daddy. Can you say hi, Daddy?”
When she looked up at him for the first time, he gulped.
“Hi, Daddy,” she murmured in her singsong voice.
His breath seemed to leave his body in one large gust as his eyes glazed over. His eyebrows knitted together as a smile slowly spread across his face, his devotion and happiness clear. “Hi, Sasha,” he croaked, seeming to be struggling to breathe.
“You gots a boo boo,” Sasha informed him, pointing at his bloody nose.
Carson sniffed and nodded, putting his hand to his face. “Yeah, I ran into something stupid,” he answered. I chuckled at that as Rory made a small scoffing noise in his throat. Carson grinned, putting the tea towel to his face and attempting to wipe the blood away but just succeeding in smearing it around so it looked even worse. His eyes were filled with tears as he looked over at me before looking back to Sasha again.
A little hand closed over my chin and forced my face toward Carson. “Mummy kiss boo boo,” Sasha proclaimed rather proudly.
I chuckled awkwardly and took her hand. “I’m sure he’s fine.”
Carson laughed and let his eyes wander over her again. “She’s so beautiful,” he whispered. I nodded proudly, planting another kiss on Sasha’s cheek. “She’s amazing, I…” He shook his head, still clearly awestruck.
I smiled and set Sasha down on her feet, watching as she ran back to the living room, shouting about dominoes again. Lucie stepped forward. “Why don’t you help Carson clean up his face while Rory and I pack up their overnight bags?” she suggested.
Rory answered before I could speak. “We’re not packing. We’re not going with him. All three of us are either staying here or going home.” He turned to me and put his hand on my shoulder, bending to look me in the eyes because he was so much taller than me now. “You don’t have to do this. Screw him. Let him try and take Sasha away. He won’t win; a court won’t side with a prick that’s not been in her life for two years. You’re her mother.”
My mouth was dry. Rory didn’t know the full story. If it went to court then of course I would lose. I worked in a lap dancing club, I danced on stage in barely any clothes, I let men push five pound notes into my thong, I took one of them in particular to the backroom for sex. They wouldn’t view me the way Rory did.
I gulped and looked at Lucie for help. She smiled sadly back at me. Carson was watching me, waiting for my reaction and I knew what I needed to do. I couldn’t take the risk of losing Sasha. I couldn’t afford to go to court at all; I wouldn’t even have the money to consult to a lawyer about it.
“I have to do this, Rory. Please, don’t make it any harder, all right? Just… just go with this for now.”
Rory shook his head adamantly. “I figured a way out of it. Kiss and tell,” he stated proudly. “They’ll pay you for a story, then you’ll have money to fight him in court.”
Carson’s body jerked behind him. “The fuck? No! What are you smoking, kid? Whatever it is, it’s messing up your brain. Kiss and tell? She’ll make herself look like a slut!” he ranted.
I groaned and gripped my hands into my hair as Rory rounded on Carson again. “She’s not a slut!” he growled.
“I never said she was,” Carson spat back, stepping closer to him so their chests were practically touching. They stood the same height so they met toe to toe, eye to eye. “She’ll make herself look like one if she does what you’re suggesting. What’s wrong with you two? Why can’t you see this is a good thing? The three of you will want for nothing, yet you’re both acting like I’m forcing you to drink acid!”
Rory shoved on Carson’s chest, pushing him back a step as he sneered at him. Anger was building inside me while they carried on arguing about me and what was best for me. Plus, they were both swearing in earshot of my daughter.
“You two need to stop this fighting and swearing, right now! If Sasha comes out here and sees this then I’m gonna go seven shades of crazy on your arses,” I growled. I gripped Rory’s arm and pulled with all my might, forcing him to step back. “Go pack up whatever you need to. We’re going along with this for now, and that’s final!” I motioned up the hallway with my chin, keeping my eyes locked on his so he knew I was serious. If he shot his mouth off to the reporters and I ended up losing my daughter because of this, I’d never forgive him. “Go pack. Seriously, I don’t have the energy for all this. Just do as I ask. I don’t ask much from you, do I? Just do this for me.”
He sighed and his shoulders loosened as he bent forward, planting a little kiss on the side of my head. “Fine. But I’m never going to like the prick,” he grumbled, pulling away from me and stomping off up the hallway.
“And this swearing stops immediately,” I called after him, watching as he waved his hand over his shoulder in acknowledgement.
Lucie cleared her throat. “I’ll go pack up Sasha’s things, too.” She stalked off quickly, leaving me and Carson alone in the hallway.
I gulped, not knowing what to say. “Sorry about that,” I muttered, wincing as I looked at his blood-stained face and shirt.
He shrugged easily, his eyes sparkling with mirth. “It’s fine. He doesn’t hit too hard, so it’s all good.”
I fought a smile and nodded toward the kitchen. “We should probably get that cleaned up before Sasha thinks that’s just your normal face.” I turned and walked up the hallway, heading to the kitchen and picking up the kitchen roll from the side, running the tap and filling a bowl with warm water. “Sit there,” I instructed, motioning toward the kitchen table. Carson sat obediently and looked up at me.
As I stepped between his legs and wet some of the kitchen roll, his eyes met mine. The beautiful colour of them startled me, as it did every time I looked into his eyes like this. His eyes were my favourite thing about him. They made my stomach flutter and my palms sweaty. His eyes were so much like the Carson I used to know, the one who would never threaten me or make these demands of me. My heart actually hurt, and I longed to turn back the time so he could always be the person I thought he was, instead of this person who felt like he was ripping my heart out.
For a few agonising seconds, I couldn’t look away from him. My whole being longed to move closer, to settle myself on his lap and have his arms wrap around me. I wanted that closeness and intimacy which we only ever had after sex when we both caught our breaths. I wanted to press my lips against his and have his hands tangle into my hair. But I knew that intimate relationship we had was long gone.
“This might hurt a little,” I mumbled, wiping the damp paper towel over his face, clearing the blood away.
“Sasha’s beautiful.” My hand faltered, and my lungs constricted at the emotion and feeling that went into those two words. “I can’t believe I missed it all. She can talk and everything. You should have told me about her. This wasn’t fair. I’ll never be able to get that time back, Emma.” His forehead creased with a frown as his jaw tightened, so I knew he was angry with me again.
I frowned as well and continued to wipe his face. He was probably right to be angry. Me keeping this secret, although what I thought was best for him at the time, had actually taken his beautiful little girl away from him for the last two years. He’d missed out on things I hadn’t even thought he would be interested in.
“I don’t want to argue with you anymore, Carson.”
He blew out a big breath and looked away from me. “Me either.” Suddenly, he sat forward, almost making me stick the wet tissue up his nose. A groan escaped his lips as he reached for the newspaper sitting on Lucie’s table, pulling it to him before reading it aloud. ‘Poles Apart’ – the headline jumped out at me before I saw the photo of me and Carson leaving my flat yesterday. “He’s in pole position, she’s a pole dancer. The two of them are poles apart.” He made a scoffing noise in the back of his throat before he continued to read.
“Carson Matthews, MotoGP race driver and British heartthrob, is finally off the market. Petite blonde, Emma Bancroft, works at the lap dancing club Matthews frequents when he’s in England. Emma, now nineteen, fell pregnant with the star’s daughter when she was just sixteen, but the couple have been hiding it until now. The Peoples’ Post suggested yesterday that the pair had an illicit relationship and Carson paid for Emma’s services in the backroom of Angels Gentlemen’s Club where she works part-time as a dancer and waitress. However, The Peoples’ Post and Rodger Harris have printed a retraction this morning, apologising because they had made assumptions without facts. Carson’s press team confirmed the couple have a rocky, on-off courtship and have been in and out of a relationship for the last three years. After the story broke yesterday, they appeared to be working things through as they left Emma’s flat and then holed up at Carson’s London home for the night. The statement from the Matthews camp also quashed rumours that Carson had no knowledge of his daughter until the story broke in the tabloids yesterday morning. The full statement can be seen on page five. The story continues to unfold, but young girls everywhere will be devastated that Carson now appears to be spoken for. If the social media site Twitter is anything to go by, the public reaction to Carson being engaged to a lap dancer hasn’t gone down too well and has left a bitter taste in his female following’s mouths.”
He looked up at me then before shaking his head and pushing the paper away. “Pile of crap.”
My body was kind of numb. Other than the newspaper Carson had shoved into my chest yesterday, I hadn’t seen anything else that had been printed about us. Seeing it sitting there so casually on my best friend’s dining table kind of brought it home to me a little more. Tears filled my eyes as I angrily tossed the wet tissue into the bin. I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing. Anger, shame and embarrassment swirled around in my stomach, making me feel a little nauseous. Everyone would now know what I did for a living: my university lecturers, my friends in my classes… my parents. The last thought actually hurt. It would just confirm everything they thought they knew about me. I was a dirty little tramp that brought shame on their family.
When arms slid around my waist and a hard chest pressed against my back, I jumped, startled by the sudden affection. I had no idea why he was doing it, or trying to comfort me after I’d lied to him all these years, but I welcomed the support. My eyes fluttered closed as I pressed back against Carson, letting his warmth surround and cloak me in an invisible layer of protection.
“Everything will be fine,” he whispered. His breath blew down my neck as his arms tightened on me, crushing me against him. “You’ll get used to this stuff. Just let it roll off you. Ignore it. Just get on with your life and don’t look back. We’ll make it.”
‘We’ll make it’. The way I wanted that phrase to be intended – that we’d make it as a couple – wasn’t how it was intended at all. I wanted it to mean we’d get through it together, that he would be part of the team Rory and I had formed over the last couple of years. But he didn’t mean it that way at all. All that was meant by those three words were we’d get past this and people would forget about it soon enough and move on to the next freshly-broken story.
I gulped and swallowed my sadness. “I’m not so sure,” I muttered, shaking my head and pushing myself from his arms. I had never been a person to wallow, so I needed to shake myself, dust myself off and carry on. Hopefully, in time, everything would get easier and this overwhelming sadness would stop creeping up on me unexpectedly.