A concrete feeling sits upon my limbs. I crack open my lids, groggy-eyed from too much sleep. It’s quiet, save for the robotic beep that occurs every few seconds from the machines next to me. As the room comes into view, I’m greeted by the unfamiliar face of a woman in scrubs. Shredded-wheat wisps of tawny hair fall from her messy ponytail and hang around her face. I blink twice, trying to focus, but I have no idea what the fuck is going on.

“Look who’s awake.” Her voice sounds as if it’s coming through a tunnel. A cold rush of panic floods my veins. I try to flee, but my body won’t move, which only worsens the hysteria. “It’s okay, Mr. Chase! You’re in a hospital. You’ve just woken up from surgery.”

Memory snapshots pop in my fuzzy brain. Surgery. The car. The wedding. Fuck, that’s right.

My guilty gaze travels to the little tube dispensing the beautiful poison directly into my veins. I was lucid before the surgery. They managed to ask the appropriate questions. What's your name? Where were you headed? Do you know what happened? When they asked if I had any addictions, my tongue froze. My brain screamed yes, but my head moved back and forth. I lied. I told them no.

“Did you call my fiancée?” I manage, looking up as the nurse busies herself around me. The sky outside has changed from a bold shade of azure to deep cobalt. Kat and I should have already said I do. If I hadn’t been so reckless, I’d be with her, hearing her needy moans whimpering in my ear. Instead, I landed here, busted and broken, alone with my regret.

“You know, I’m not sure,” she answers, her squeaky voice more pleasant than it sounded a few minutes ago. “I can ask at the desk.” I adjust my bed, grimacing as it pushes me up as far into a sitting position as I can go. Thick bandages covering my right side hold together a few broken ribs. My leg is casted in plaster, having been fitted with a rod and pins. All things considered, I’m lucky it was only my leg—the tibia, to be exact—and I’m going to walk out of here good as new. Eventually.

“My name’s Hannah. Call the nurses’ station if you need anything.” With that, she speed walks from the room, leaving me alone. The hazy thoughts rolling through my mind get pushed aside by a set of timid footsteps clacking in the doorway.

Charcoal eyes glisten as Kat steps inside. Dressed in white, she’s more gorgeous than I ever imagined she would be. The long lace gown clutches her hourglass figure. It trails behind her, the delicate train making her appear as though she’s floating toward me. An angel come to save my tortured soul.

A slow smile creeps across my face as she enters. “There’s my girl.”

A river of tears floods her cheeks; a salty mix of horror, fear, and sheer relief washes over her face. She rushes toward me, pressing her lips against my mouth, chin, and jaw. “Shhhh. Baby, you’re shaking.”

“I was so scared, Chase. I thought . . . I don’t even want to say what I thought.”

She doesn’t have to because I already know. She thought I left her. After all this time, she’s still not sure. I’ll never forgive myself for putting her through this.

Holding her face in both hands, I stroke my thumbs across her wet cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Kat. I’m sorry I scared you, and I’m sorry I ruined everything.”

“I don’t care about any of that. I only care about you.” She settles on the edge of my bed with lines of worry etched on her face. “They said you were hit by a car,” she says, running her hand over my sheet-covered torso. The peaks and valleys of my stomach ripple under her fingertips, the action forcing another wince.

“It came out of nowhere and tagged me in the middle of an intersection.”

A fresh set of tears fills her warm, brown eyes. “Are you in a lot of pain?”

“Nah, I’m good.” Too good. My leg is shattered, and I’ve just had major surgery, yet I feel incredible. Tingles travel the length of my body. I feel them in my toes and the tips of my fingers. That prickle in my nuts I’m far too familiar with.

“You sure?”

Swallowing hard, I nod. “I’m fine.” I decide on the spot that Kat doesn’t need to know my shameful little secret. An omission of information isn’t quite the same thing as a lie, is it? It’s hospital-grade pharmaceuticals—not nearly in the same league as my drug of choice—yet the euphoria feels strangely similar.

Heroin hits like an explosion of bliss. This amazing, orgasmic warmth that pulses through your body, hitting you like a Mac truck as soon as you finish pushing the plunger down. Pure euphoria. This is more slow and deliberate. Enough to soften the pain and buff out the sharp corners, smooth and mellow.

I miss it sometimes. The rush, the ecstasy, the damn ritual that churned my insides with excitement. Only an addict can truly understand the perfect thrill. It never goes away no matter how long it’s been. A week, a month, a year . . . or four. It’s always there, a tiny want, a tick clinging to the base of your brain stem. It feeds off your energy, steadily growing until it’s too large to pick off.

I am stronger than my addiction.

Yeah. Sure, I am.

“You look really beautiful.”

“Well, at least one of us does.” A sad smile sits on her face as she reaches out to touch the bandage on my head, then leans in to kiss it. The sweet scent of apples invades my senses. Even lying here broken and bandaged doesn’t squelch the intense need I have for her.

“I’ll be all right if you wanna go home and change.”

“I’m never leaving you, baby. Athena already dropped off some clothes. I’m all yours.” She reaches out running her fingertips over my eyebrow. “They took your piercings out.”

“Oh, yeah. They had to before the surgery. They’re over there,” I reply, thumbing toward the kidney-shaped bowl on my bedside table.

“You want me to put them back?”

I shrug. “May as well.” There’s that tunnel vision again. Fuck.

She leans to grab the bowl, the crystal chandelier earrings dangling from her lobes swaying with the movement. “Hold still,” she murmurs, a look of determination creasing between her eyes as she lifts the first piece of jewelry. She pinches my brow and pushes the mini barbell from bottom to top. She does the same with my lip ring next. “There ya go. Good as new.”

“You forgot one.”

Her gaze flits to my lower half, a sexy smirk twisting her lips. “I’m sure you can handle that one.”

I shrug, the corner of my mouth lifting. “I can’t really bend. For better or worse, right?”

Blue and black tendrils fall across her shoulder as she chucks a glance at the closed door before pushing the sheet aside. Her eyes dance over my naked cock. It’s not surprising. He’s quite impressive. A thick slab of meat that at one time made me money but now belongs solely to her. She’s owner and master. The puppeteer that controls him at will.

She quirks a brow and side-eyes me. “Are you seriously getting hard right now?”

Between the medicine coursing through my blood and the insane scenario taking place at the present moment, I can’t help but grin. “Been a while since you touched it.”

“You’re such a perv. Let me know if this hurts,” she whispers, lining up the four-gauge barbell with the tiny hole in the shaft. Carefully, she works it through until it pokes out the other side, then attaches the ball at the end to hold it secure. “How’s that?”

I reply with a muddled sound. Somewhere between a grunt and a fine that comes out all distorted and groggy. “Come lay with me,” I mutter, gesturing her over with a two-fingered come hither.

“Okay, baby. Lemme get out of this dress first.”

“Wait.” My fingers close around her wrist. “I fucked up a lot in my life, but this . . .” A storm cloud of feelings whirls in my gut, but the one wreaking the most havoc at the moment is remorse. “I’m a fucking idiot. I should have been holding Zeus tighter, paying attention to the traffic, not looking at my phone . . .”

The corners of her plump little mouth curve down. “Your phone?” I watch in slow motion as the light in her eyes dims, another fresh wave of salt water brimming the line of her thick black lashes. “This is my fault.”

“No, no. Kat. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. Fuck . . . don’t blame yourself for this.”

“How can I not? I distracted you! If I hadn’t been blowing up your phone with text messages, it never would have happened!”

“Baby, the dog pulled me into traffic. If anything, blame Zeus.” I force a comforting smile on my face. Shit like this is no one’s fault. Our fate is written before it even happens. But I know Kat, and I know the feelings of guilt will gradually start to fester. She’ll overthink it until her brain feels like it’s ready to bleed, allowing it to eat away at her like a cancer.

“That fuckin’ dumb dog.” A crackle of laughter pops through the tears. “I’m gonna make a coat out of him.”

“Then I’ll make some socks out of the little rat you call a dog,” I joke.

“You leave my Aphro out of this. She’s an innocent bystander!” Kat’s tears are long forgotten as we jump into our usual routine of sarcastic banter and witty retorts. This is good. This is us.

“Now go change and come snuggle with me.” I jut out my bottom lip as she turns and disappears into the bathroom. Yeah, it’s childish, but whatever. I'm a grown man with mommy issues, and she eats that shit up with a spoon.

A few minutes later, my sweet girl returns. A tank top and shorts have replaced the fields of white satin and lace. No trace of the glamazon she is by day remains. Only a fresh face, lit up by the soft glimmer of moonlight filtering through the blinds.

She pads across the linoleum tile, stopping at the corner of my bed. “Why are you looking at me like that?” A small smile curls up the corner of her soft pink lips. The dim light of evening gives her face an innocent glow. The way she looks up, peering at me through thick lashes with her mouth half cocked and slightly parted, I almost forget where we are. All I know is I want to be exactly wherever she is.

“I just can't believe how lucky I am.”

“Scooch over.” I shift to the left as best I can, and she slides in on her side. “I’m pretty sure we’ll get yelled at for this,” she whispers, cozying up on the side of me still intact.

“I don’t care.” And I don’t. Truly. No matter what happens, as long as I have her in my arms, everything is copacetic.

Reaching up, I cup her face in my hand, reveling in the silken-soft feel of her skin. A contented sigh leaves her lips. This is heaven. Lying this close, she wears her sleepy little smile with her head on my chest. It’s everything I ever wanted, everything I hoped for in the miserable wasteland I called my life. I spent the first half of my life in a fog. There was nothing before her, only bitter blackness engulfing my will to move on.

My fingers catch under her chin and tilt her face up to mine. Closing the distance between us, I meet her lips, softly drinking in the tiniest taste of her. The sigh of pleasure I get in return heats my blood like fire bursting in a frozen hearth. She melts against me, letting me love her mouth with slow, sensual flicks of my tongue as my fingers curl into the loose ponytail behind her head.

“Chase,” she whispers in the dark, moving past my lips over the thin layer of stubble covering my jaw. My leg may be fucked, but the rest of my body still works like a well-oiled machine, ready and raring to go. Tightening my grip on her back, I roll her on top of me. The heat from her core radiates through her thin cotton shorts.

“We shouldn’t do this, Chase. You just had surgery,” she mumbles against my lips, but my hand tightens, holding her to me and taking fistfuls of hair in the process, still kissing her with a ferocity that transcends time and space.

“I feel more alive than I have in weeks, and nothing's gonna stop me from getting what I want. Not some silly accident. Not some stupid surgery.”

When Kat pulls back, her shining eyes glisten, her lips red and puffy. I can tell by the tremble of her hips that she can feel me hard and ready pressed against the seam of her opening. All it will take is one little push to send her plummeting over the edge.

The tip of my pointer follows the scooping neckline of her tank top. “I used to hear you at night when you thought I was asleep. I’d lie there silent and listen to your raspy breath and quiet whimpers as you released your own built-up ache.”

Breath hitches in her throat, the pulse in her neck jumping as I sweep my fingertip over the swell of her breasts. I love that I have this effect on her. The tiniest touch burns her to ash. The connection we have is unlike any other. Stronger than the howling wind, more powerful than the pounding rain. An unstoppable force that whips around, keeping us tethered.

“When you touched yourself, did you come pretending it was my hands on your body?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t make me wait anymore, Kat. Let me have you.”

“What if someone comes in?”

I slide my hand down her chest and slip it between our bodies to cup her mound. She presses her hands on either side of my head, leaning her body forward to keep from putting her full weight on me. “They’ll see two people whose devotion is so profound, nothing can keep them apart.”

The second I graze her sweet little cunt, she groans. Two digits slide in right down to the knuckle. I imagine them glistening from her arousal as I pump them slow and deep. “We may not have said the vows, but in my heart, you’re already my wife.”

Her eyes jam shut as my fingers dip in and out, each time drawing the wetness up to circle her clit. “Chase, this is so reckless,” she whines, her head lolling to the side.

“Love is reckless, Kat.”

She looks at me with blazing eyes full of hunger. My cock twitches as my fingertips caress the spongy inner walls of her body. “I don’t want to hurt you.” Concern twirls with the want twisting in her dark gaze. No one has ever cared about me as much as she has. Very few people get to say they found their soul mate at twenty-eight. She’s my other half. The part of me that exists outside of my body but makes me whole nonetheless.

“Nothing hurts more than being this close and not being able to have you.”

The quivering tremble of an oncoming orgasm builds up inside her, but I don’t want to waste it. After four long weeks, I need to feel it skin to skin, buried deep inside her as she shatters around me.

I tear my fingers away and slip them into my mouth. The tangy citrus taste that’s Kat’s and Kat’s alone turns my cock to granite. The confines of the twin-size mattress make it impossible to take her bottoms off. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Instead, I push them aside as she uses the bed guards as leverage to angle her body over mine. The sweltering heat swallowing me whole knocks the air from my lungs. The heels of her palms dig into the rails as her body rolls in a tight circle. I lie back, resting my hands on her swiveling hips, watching her ride with unbridled passion.

A moan catapults from her lips. Her head falls back, bat-winged lashes fluttering closed. I love this woman, but it’s so much more than that. The need I have for her is primal. Every muted sound, each ragged breath. It’s unlike anything else in the world. It’s an obsession.

Pulling her against me, I crush our lips together, silencing her moans with my mouth. Her sweet flavor still sits on my tongue. I know she tastes it on my lips, licks at it as if she’s starving.

I’m numb, yet every nerve in my body trembles with a vibrating frequency that makes me feel as if I’m taking flight. The room spins around me in a fuzzy haze of drugs and lust. I force myself to stay in this moment, to feel her skin under my hands and the warmth of her body consuming every inch of me.

Outside the door, the hospital continues to bustle. Anyone could barge in at this very moment, but the thrill of getting caught only ignites the naughty need eating away at me. This isn't how I pictured our night to go, but here we are, nonetheless, giving in to the need that thunders around us day in and day out.

“I don’t know how much longer I can last. Come for me, Kat.” I flick my thumb over the hardened peak rising through the thin fabric of her shirt. It works like a button, igniting the fire blazing through her core. Tremors ripple through her. My head digs into the pillow, my fingers kneading the soft flesh of her ass, grinding her against me. Her hushed whimpers grow shrill, her muscles tightening like a fist. Pleasure lodges the words in her chest, but I know them all too well. I say them for her as we both crumble to dust. “Se agapó, Kat. Gia pánta.”

“Forever, Chase. Forever,” she pants, dropping her head to my chest. My fingers still tangled in the thick blanket of fallen hair that’s found its way out of her ponytail. I can’t seem to let her go. Not yet. Not when I feel as though I just got her back.

* * *

“Almost there!” Kat meanders behind me while I swing on crutches to our front door, the dogs barking and scuffling as we approach. Each time my good leg makes contact with the concrete, the pill bottle in my pocket rattles the tiniest bit. A prescription for Oxycontin that I’m sure I won’t take yet had filled anyway just in case.

With the keys dangling from her fingers, she slips in front of me and unlocks the door, sliding the animals away with her foot and yelling for them to go lie down. They trot away as I hobble in and plop down on the sofa.

“It’s good to be home.” I sigh, stretching my left leg across the cushions. It sinks into the plush fabric as I settle into the corner and call Zeus over with a double kiss noise. With his head hung low, he trots over. “It’s okay, boy. I know it wasn’t your fault.” Tufts of fur float off his coat and frolic in the rays of California sun beaming through the French doors out back. He lifts his snout, nosing my chin with a whimper. “Yeah, you’re a good boy.”

“Fuckin’ dog.” Kat sticks her tongue out at him when his coffee gaze quirks her way, and then she disappears into the bedroom, I assume to stash her gown in the closet. If all went according to plan, we’d be in a hotel right now. Probably sitting by the pool, a couple of virgin daiquiris melting in our hands. I really fucked up this time.

“Go lay down, boy!” Zeus turns and carries out my order, the jingling of his tags the only sound until Kat comes back.

“You want something to eat? I can run down to the bodega on the corner and get you one of those chicken on a stick things you like.”

“You don’t have to nursemaid me, Kat. I’m fine.”

“Does that mean no sponge bath?” She giggles. I’ve always loved the sound of her laughter. It’s like rain trickling on metal. A sweet, melodic tune that plays directly to my soul with each delicate beat.

“Maybe later,” I reply, biting the slim ring in my lip between my teeth. “Come sit with me.”

“All right. I’m just gonna call Athena and let her know we’re home. She worries, ya know.”

I grab the remote with a nod, jamming the on button with my thumb. The television springs to life, blaring through the stagnant quiet of the living room. There’s nothing on, which is fine since I’m not really interested in watching TV right now, anyway. I just need something to take my mind off my situation, but the throbbing in my leg is a constant reminder of what an idiot I am. This really does suck. All around. Kat’s been incredible through this, despite my recklessness. As soon as I’m better, I’m going to make it up to her. She deserves better than this. A broken dude who can’t even find a real job to take care of her.

Another breezy chortle chimes from the other room where Kat’s on the phone with her cousin. My gaze settles on the screen ahead, my knuckle absentmindedly stroking the butterfly tattoo on my neck, the same one inked over Kat’s heart. I’d love to say I got it as a result of some sort of spiritual awakening. That it’s somehow symbolic of my transformation from a junky to an upstanding citizen of the world, but that’s not the case. The truth is, it means nothing. A stupid thing I had done to my body during a string of prior regrets, but it’s a part of who I am. The fucked-up guy who lives inside this colorful skin who works so hard to hold it together.

I’ve done a pretty good job, I’d say. I pulled myself from death’s icy grip, swam through a river of shit, and came out clean on the other side. I’m a survivor. I beat the odds, and I can do it again.

That hopeful thought is the last one on my mind before blind agony wakes me from a dead sleep.

The entire room is cloaked in black. With tear-stinging torture, I push myself to sit, my damp eyes adjusting to the dark enough to see a Poland Spring and a bottle of Advil set on the table next to me. I must have passed out in front of the television, and Kat went on to bed.

Pounding pain radiates up the left side of my body, and my shirt is drenched in sweat. Trying my best not to cry out, I shift my leg, making the bottle still hidden in my pocket rattle against my thigh. The thin slice of silver moonlight backlights the orange bottle as I lift it to my face. Oxycontin 10 mg once orally every 12 hours.

A raging storm whirls through my gut, but I tear at the cap with trembling hands, the tablets jumping as I finally break through the childproof barrier. One pill to take the edge off. That’s all I’ll need.