The vomit wasn’t an isolated incident. I threw up once before the meeting and twice the day after—day six in the search for Chase. So here I am on day seven, my panties stretched around my ankles, my stomach tied up in a thousand knots. Three minutes. It’s virtually no time at all yet feels like forever when you’re locked in a vacuum.

The test sits on the lip of the sink. Standing up to adjust my clothes, I dart my attention around the room. I count the hooks holding up the shower curtain, eye the pattern in the rug, mentally tracing the outline of the flattened plush holding the vague shape of my feet. Anything to avoid the truth I already know. But I turn back just enough to glance in its direction. It’s like watching a horror movie unfold in front of you. You don’t want to look, but you still can’t help but peek anyway.

With uneasy breaths spreading over my quivering lips, I drop my gaze to the evil piece of four-inch plastic. “Fuck,” I whisper, a fresh set of tears coursing down my cheeks. I lift the strip and hurl it at the mirror. It bounces off then clatters into the sink, word side up. Pregnant.

And I thought wife was a terrifying word.

My inner monolog screams. This wasn’t how my life was supposed to go! Chase and I were supposed to live happily ever after. Yet here I am, alone and pregnant, my fiancé probably dead in a ditch that no one can find, and my head’s a mess, and I can’t do this alone.

The doorbell pulls me from my tantrum. Drenched in tears and drowning in self-pity, I peel myself off the floor and flee the room. I shimmy through the wall of yapping canines and yank open the door to find Erik on the other side.

“I was in the area.” Red, handwritten font scrawls across the front of the takeout bag clutched in his raised hand. “Got you some soup.”

“That was so nice of you. Come in.” I wrap Chase’s fleece tighter around my middle, cradling the secret stalling at my lips. I’m not ready to share the news. When Chase comes home, then we’ll celebrate.

“How are you feeling?” Erik opens the bag and sets the cardboard pint on the table in front of my face. My stomach flips, my gaze sliding toward the offending container as if it’s poison.

“Tired. Any news?”

Erik’s lips press into a thin pink line. The look in his eyes is all the answer I need. Nothing. With a sigh, I grasp the lid and pull it off. The savory scents of vegetables and broth fill my tiny kitchen with a feeling of warmth. Whenever I was sick, my mom used to make me soup. She’d even scramble an egg in the broth for some added protein. The memory makes me smile. I miss her so much. Especially now when I’m feeling so utterly alone. Three thousand miles away from everyone I love. Sure, I have Erik and Lainie and the girls at AA, but it’s not the same. Mom, Athena, Chase . . . they love me despite my flaws, not because of them.

Erik and I make idle chitchat, and before I know it, the soup is gone and my belly’s warm and cozy. I curl up in my fleece, folding my hands across my knees. “I’ll be right back,” he tells me, rising from his seat. A minute later, my false sense of comfort comes crashing down around me. “Kat . . .” My gaze flicks to the hallway as Erik materializes with the test in his hand. He crosses the kitchen and kneels before me, his hazel eyes full of sympathy and hope. “You don’t have to do this alone.” His large hand covers my smaller one. I pull it away letting the long sleeve fall past it. “Chase isn’t coming back, Kat. You need to come to terms with that truth.” I jump from my seat and pace back to the edge of the kitchen. Erik steps forward, following my flight. “You deserve better, Kat. You always have.”

“No!” I yell, covering my ears. There is no better than Chase. He got lost along the way, but he’ll find his way back to me, I know it. Death can’t stop true love. It only delays it.

Erik reaches out and pulls my hands away by force. “We can be great together.”

“No,” I say again, tears welling in my eyes. “I thought we were friends.”

“We could be friends and still raise the baby together. I miss having a family, Kat. This can be a second chance.” He cups my cheek, his thumb wiping away a stubborn tear. “For both of us.”

“You have to go, Erik,” I snivel, mustering what little strength I have left. I understand that he’s lonely. His wife has moved on, and his children call a new man daddy. I feel for him. It sucks, and it’s sad, but this is my family. One he can never be a part of.

“Don’t shut me out, Kat. Please.”

“I can’t handle this right now,” I sob. My gaze falls to the tips of his shiny shoes. Betrayal squeezes my throat like a vise. Erik doesn’t have the right to drop this on me now. I’m far too vulnerable. He’s stolen his friendship from me when I need it the most, used it against me to feed his own loss. It’s not fair. “Please just go.”

“If you really want me to leave, I will, but if there’s anything you need . . .”

I lift my head, hoping he can see the desperation in my eyes. The love I still have for someone else. “I need you to promise you won’t stop looking.”

“I promise.”

* * *

“Take off everything and put this on, open in the front. Drape this over your lap. The doctor will be in to see you soon.”

The nurse whips the gown and blanket out of the bottom cabinet and drops them on the table behind me before escaping out the door. I shimmy off the table, the paper crinkling under my ass. I quickly shuck my clothes and pull on the light blue gown.

The light sound of instrumental music pumps in from a hidden speaker somewhere in the room. I situate myself back on the table as instructed, flipping through a US Weekly, but my mind is somewhere else. Erik’s statement weighs heavily on my heart. I’ve been lying to myself this whole time. I knew Chase was using. I fucking knew it but refused to admit it. As if keeping it to myself would somehow make it untrue. But I saw the lifeless look in his eyes. The light in them dimmed like a candle without a flame. I lost him way before he left for New York. The Chase I loved died in the accident on the day of our wedding.

So I spent the evening weighing the options of an unplanned pregnancy. The diapers, the midnight feedings, juggling a baby and a business and a life sounds next to impossible. I have no family here. I’m completely alone. I made up my mind—I can’t keep it.

But every time I closed my eyes, I saw his face. A big, toothless grin with a single corner dimple and sea-glass eyes. A piece of Chase and me. A child made from the love we shared. I can’t destroy that. A piece of him will still live on, and I’ll love that baby until my last dying breath.

Our baby.

The only piece of Chase I have left.

A soft knock raps on the door just before the doctor enters. A pretty blonde in a floral dress with a long white coat. She looks down at the mini laptop propped on her forearm. “So . . . Katarina. I’m Dr. O’Kane, how are you?”

“Fine.” I offer a fake grin. Pregnant women are supposed to be happy, right? I’m going to be a mother. This is a good thing.

“Okay, so I see you’ve gotten a positive pregnancy test! Congratulations!” My smile deepens, but I don’t respond. I know the second I open my mouth, a flood of tears will rush from my eyes and stain my face in thick, black lines of liner. I’m not going to cry in front of this doctor. I won’t. No. I’m going to get through this. And when it’s done, I’ll call my family and share my news. I can do this.

“It looks like your last period was six weeks ago.”

“I’ve still been taking my pill. Is that bad?”

“Don't worry if you kept taking your birth control pill. There's very little evidence that exposure to the hormones causes birth defects, but we’ll give you an ultrasound and check you out just in case. Now lie back.”

With a deep inhale, I lie back on the white strip of paper. Such a vulnerable position to be in. Naked from the waist down with my feet up in stirrups. I’ve had my legs wrapped around more guys than I can count, but for some reason, being splayed out like this in front of a doctor leaves me feeling powerless.

The ceiling above is painted to look like the city skyline. I concentrate on the yellow sun as the doctor pokes and prods my lady bits. When she’s finished, she wheels backward and stands from the stool.

“Okay,” she starts, rolling over a monitor machine. “Let’s see your baby.” My heart thumps wildly as she pulls out a long white dildo-looking thing and rolls a condom down onto it. If Chase were here, we’d be spitting dirty quips back and forth. He always had a calming presence even when shit seemed at its worst. I could always rely on him to help me through.

Black and gray globs fill the small screen. Dr. O’Kane points to the large empty space and circles her finger around it. “This is your uterus.” Next, she points down at a tiny white blinking dot, so small I never would have noticed it at all. “And this is your baby.”

Floodwaters.

That’s the only way to describe what happens next. Every emotion I’ve held in over the course of the past ten days comes rushing out all at once. I sob, breaking down into a saltwater puddle staring at the flashing light. Our baby. I’m going to be a mother.

And I can’t fucking wait.

A crackly thud, thud, thud suddenly fills the space. “Heartbeat sounds good, too.”

A small whimper lodges in my chest. “That’s his heart? It’s so fast.”

“Yep. Strong.”

So many feelings hit me at once; I can hardly contain them. One by one, they tumble out. Tears, laughter, everything cyclones so fast, I’m light-headed.

She pulls the wand away, then reaches under the machine to tear off a printout. The first portrait. Chase’s legacy.

The doctor and I go back and forth, discussing a preliminary birth plan. By the time she’s left the room, my head is spinning, my heart beating with new hope. When God closes one door, he opens another. Chase is gone, but he will always be with me in the blood of the life we created.

A warm gust of wind blows my hair, whipping it around my face as I head out to my car in the parking lot. I stop to dig my phone from my bag, excited to call Athena. My mom will kill me for telling her first, but I’m so excited I’m about to take flight. I can already hear Athena’s happy tears filling my ear as the phone rings in my hand.

Erik’s smiling face illuminates on my screen for the third time today. I know he cares about me, and he’s only trying to help, but his concern is suffocating. I’m actually in a manageable mood. I don’t want to risk another interaction with him that leaves me empty and hopeless. “It’s not the best time, Erik. Can I call you later?”

“Pack a bag, Kat. I’m on my way to your house.”

A cold wave flows over my body. “What do you mean?”

“They found Chase.”