Four Years Ago - May

Work kicked my ass even harder than usual. We’re building an addition on a house and today we worked on the framing. My whole body is sore from all the lifting and holding I did.

Now, I’m here at the gym getting ready for my training session with Jimmy. A session I am in no shape for, but I know I’ll dig deep and find a way because I don’t want to get my ass handed to me. Those moments where you think you’ve given it all, yet you somehow find a way to push beyond your normal limit - they’re the moments where champions are made. And Jimmy is good at reminding me of this fact.

Despite my fatigue I need to put my game face on. I know if I let on that I’m hurting, Jimmy will go ten times harder on me. He hates complainers. If you bitch about anything to him, he’s liable to tell you to go put a dress on and call you Sally.

Leaving the locker room, I head over to the treadmill to warm up. I step on, resting my feet on each side as I enter the speed and incline information when Jimmy calls my name. My head snaps around in his direction to see what he needs. He’s standing in his office doorway and waving me over to him. Powering off the machine, I head toward him, my stomach knotted up with tension. Jimmy doesn’t call people in his office for no reason. What the hell is this about?

He backs inside and moves behind his desk, taking a seat in his worn leather office chair. “No-No have a seat,” he says, gesturing at the chair in front of his desk.

This is a little too reminiscent of being called down to the principal’s office as a teenager, except much worse. Jimmy may be retired from fighting, but he’s still scary as fuck.

“I’ve been wanting to have this meeting with you to discuss your future as a fighter.” He steeples his fingers, elbows resting on the wooden desk. “How far do you want to go in this sport? Do you want to be one of those guys who wins the fights on the local circuit or do you want to go all the way? Do you want to be a household name?” He fires off questions rapid fire, staring directly at me.

“I want to go all the way, sir - be the best of the best,” I answer, eagerly. I want him to know how passionate I am about fighting. It’s my only option. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make it to the top.”

“Anything?” he asks, his eyebrow raised.

“Yes, sir. Anything. It’s the most important thing in my life.”

“More important than Reagan?”

I’m not sure what answer he wants to hear. I’m in love with his daughter and she means more to me than anything - fighting included. But, does he want me to say that fighting is more important than her? I hesitate as I weigh out my options.

“I know how you feel about my daughter, Noah. Every time the two of you are in the same room, you look like a lovesick fool.” He shifts his weight, leaning back in his chair. His eyes never stop their perusal of my face. “The thing is, Reagan will be leaving for college soon and it’s the perfect opportunity for you to take your training to the next level. Think of all the free time you’ll have on your hands.”

“We’ll still be together, sir. She’s only going to Boston College.”

“Here’s the thing, Noah. She’s going off to UC Santa Barbara. That’s where she really wants to go, but she doesn’t want to leave you.” He pauses, rocking in his chair slightly. “She cares about you just as much as you do her. She’ll sacrifice her future to stay with you. Now, is that what you really want? Do you want to ruin her future? Do you want that on your conscience?”

“I don’t understand how her going to BC would ruin her future? It’s an amazing school.”

“Maybe, I need to be clearer.” He sits up, leaning forward to rest his arms on his desk. His forearms bulge, his muscles tensing. “If you want to be at the top of this sport, there’s no room for a girlfriend, not even Reagan. You need to eat, sleep and breathe fighting. I’m willing to get you there, but only if you prove to me how committed you really are.”

“By breaking up with Reagan?” I question, raising my brow.

“By putting fighting first,” he answers, a scowl taking over his features.

He might not be admitting that’s the ultimatum he’s handing out, but I know it is. Fuck. I love Reagan more than anything, but I can’t provide any kind of future for us without making it as a fighter. This is my one shot. Raking my hand through my hair, I nervously bounce my knee up and down.

“How bad do you want it?” he questions holding his hands up as if it’s a simple cut and dried situation.

“Enough to do whatever it takes,” I grit out through clenched teeth. My stomach rolls with disgust and disappointment. I don’t know who I’m more upset with - Jimmy or myself. I rake my teeth over my bottom lip and think about Ray. First, I picture her beautiful smile and then I imagine it fading to tears. She’s going to be heartbroken and I’m going to be the reason.

“Reagan already has her dress for the prom. She modelled it for her mother and me last night. That can be your last hurrah as a couple before you get your focus where it belongs.”

I don’t answer, simply nodding my head.

“I’m glad we had this talk. I feel a lot better about your future as a fighter. It’s great to know you’re so committed to this sport.” He winks at me.

Rising from my chair, I pause in front of his desk. I want to reach over and punch him in his manipulating face, but I need him to make my dream become a reality. “Are we set?” I ask, my voice tight, my fists clenched.

He slowly nods.

Turning around, I step toward the door.

“Oh, No-No,” he calls my name as my hand closes around the doorknob. “I don’t think I need to remind you that Reagan can’t know we had this conversation.”

“No, sir.”

“Good talk, No-No,” he says as I pull the door shut behind me.

Prom Night four years ago

My stomach’s in anxious knots. Knowing this is the last night I’ll get to spend with Ray has me all torn up inside. I love her more than I ever thought possible - more than I’ve ever loved anyone.

Growing up in the house I did, I wasn’t really shown more than a casual concern for my wellbeing. My dad was too busy working and worrying about his next drink to pay me much mind. Anything I know about love, Reagan taught me. She’s my ‘little ray of sunshine,’ and after tonight I’m going to lose her. My days are sure to be darker. She makes all the tough times I’ve gone through bearable. Without her all I’ll have left is fighting. I love fighting, but it’s no substitute for Ray. But, as much as I want to hang onto her and tell Jimmy to go fuck himself I can’t. I’m doing this for her as much as for me. She needs to go to college and enjoy that experience to the fullest. I won’t be the reason she stays here. I won’t be the one person holding her back.

Staring in the mirror at myself is like looking at a stranger. My green eyes look hollow, emotionless.

Tugging my tuxedo jacket on, I adjust the lapels and straighten the purple bow tie that matches her dress. I haven’t seen what she’s wearing yet, I only know the color. It was important to Reagan that we would match.

I’m torn between wanting to see her and wanting to hold off for as long as I can because I know once this night’s over she’s never going to want to set eyes on me again.

Glancing at my watch, I realize it’s time to leave. I can’t be late. I need every moment with her.

Time is fleeting and my chest aches knowing what tomorrow has in store for us.

* * *

My heart is in my throat as I knock on the front door of Reagan’s house. Tucking a finger inside the neck of my white shirt I tug it away from my throat. I feel like I’m being slowly strangled by this fucking bow tie.

The door opens and I’m face to face with Jimmy. I can’t hold in the scowl that breaks out on my face. Great. Just fucking great. He’s the last person I want to see right now. As if the demise of our relationship isn’t already on my mind, I have to see his ugly mug and be reminded.

He smiles, showing all his teeth. I think it’s him gloating. He knows he’s got me pinned against the cage and there’s only one way out. “Noah, come on in.”

Gritting my teeth to hold in the angry words I want to say, words I know I can’t possibly let escape, I push past him, letting my eyes scan the interior of the house for the first sight of Reagan.

“I’ll be right down,” Reagan yells from her room.

Moving to stand in front of the staircase, I anxiously wait for my girl to appear.

A firm hand grips the back of my neck where it meets my shoulders. The fingers dig in enough to be borderline painful. “You know what has to happen tonight, right?” Jimmy questions, softly. The tone might be relaxed, but the grip he has on me isn’t. Nor is his icy blue gaze when I turn my head to meet it.

I nod, not trusting myself to speak. If I do I might tell him to fuck himself which will only hurt Reagan in the end. It’s hard to see the bigger picture when you’re in the heat of the moment, but I need to for her. She’s all that matters to me.

Jimmy pats me on the back. “Glad to see we’re still on the same page.” He walks toward the kitchen whistling a jaunty tune as if he doesn’t have a care in the fucking world. I breathe a sigh of relief. Rolling my head from side to side, I loosen some of the tension Jimmy brought on with his words and his mere presence.

Blowing out a large sigh, I remind myself to relax. I don’t want Ray to sense anything is wrong. This is the only senior prom she’ll ever have. I want to make our last night together the best it can be. I know that’s completely fucked, but I need to make the most of the final memories we’ll make.

My heart is pounding each second out like a final countdown. I need to see my girl and get out of my head before I drive myself crazy.

Gazing up the staircase to the landing, I hold my breath as I hear her approaching. The air leaves me with a long sigh as my eyes trek over her from the top of her dark blonde hair all the way down to her high heel clad feet. She’s fucking gorgeous. The purple strapless dress she’s wearing hugs her tits and waist like a second skin. Swallowing over the lump in my throat, I manage to smile at her.

“You’re beautiful,” I say, my voice cracks with emotion. I can’t believe this is the last night I can hold her in my arms and kiss her. Holding my breath, I watch her move down each step until she’s toe to toe with me. Pulling her into my arms, I lower my face to the top of her long loose curls. Burying my nose in the soft locks, I inhale deeply, savoring the clean fragrance of her hair. She smells like sunshine and fresh air with a hint of flowers mixed in.

“Hi Noah, honey,” her mother says with a genuine smile as she comes toward us from the kitchen. I can’t help but wonder if Jimmy’s confided in his wife about our conversation. I doubt it. Jimmy’s the kind of guy who’s good at keeping secrets. But then again aren’t we all? Maybe that’s just a male trait. I know I’ve never really shared the details of my father’s death with Ray. She doesn’t know what my life was like before she came into it. She’s never pushed me to reveal more than I wanted to, which is just one more reason why I love this girl so much.

“Let me see you two together,” her mother says, camera in hand. “Move into the living room so I can get a picture of you guys in front of the fireplace.”

We do as she instructs, posing for more photos than I’ve ever had taken. Me handing her the corsage I bought her and placing it around her wrist. Her adjusting my bow tie while her eyes stare lovingly into mine. My fingers caressing her smooth cheek because she’s so goddamn perfect I can’t keep my hands off her for a moment longer.

Finally, Ray’s had enough. “Mom, I think you’ve got plenty at this point. We need to go. I don’t want to be late.”

“Okay, sweetie. Where did your father disappear to? Jimmy,” she yells, then pauses before calling his name one more time. “Jimmy.”

“I’m coming. Jesus, woman. Where’s the fire?” he winks at her to take the sting out of his bark, before his eyes come to rest on the two of us standing side by side “You kids have a great time. Make the most of tonight.” Because it’s the last night you’ll get. In my head, I hear the words he didn’t say and judging from the cat that ate the canary expression on his face, he knows it too. I’m not liking Jimmy at this point. In fact, I fucking hate him. If only my future didn’t lie in his capable hands.

“Don’t forget I’m staying over Moira’s house after prom. I’ll text you when I get there so you don’t worry,” Ray says, before hugging both of her parent’s goodbye.

I take her hand and we pause by the door for her to pick up her bag that holds everything she needs for the night. I steal it out of her hand so fast she giggles. Slinging it over my shoulder, I smile down at her. “Ninja like reflexes, baby,” I say with a wink.

Once we’re inside my jeep, I can’t keep my lips from hers any longer. Cupping the back of her neck in my palm, I usher her toward me. When our lips connect my chest pains from so many different emotions. Love. Hunger. Remorse. Sorrow.

When our tongues meet, I lose sight of everything but the sensation of her pressed against me. My free hand slides up to cup her cheek, her skin so warm and smooth against my large palm. I never want this kiss to end. I never want to let her go.

The venue is only a ten-minute drive from her house. My eyes keep flicking in her direction, taking note of the small smile playing on her lips.

“Are you excited about your prom?” I question.

“I’m excited we get to spend the entire night together.” She turns her head staring at me. I can feel her eyes burning into my cheek as I clench my teeth together.

“I’m not sure we should spend the night together, Ray. You don’t have anything to prove to me. I know you love me. Having sex isn’t going to convince me more.”

I glance in her direction and notice the frown turning down the corners of her mouth. “Ray, let’s not worry about it now. I want you to have fun.” I flash her a quick grin.

“Spending the night with you would be fun,” she says flirtatiously.

My dick jumps in response. There’s nothing I want more than to lose myself and all the turmoil surrounding us by sinking inside her tight pussy. I’ve patiently waited six months for this night and now that it’s here I know I must avoid making love with her. We’ve done everything else there is to do and tonight we can do the same. I need to keep my dick as far away from her pussy as I can.

* * *

“Do you want some water, Ray?” I ask, handing her what’s left of the bottle I’ve been drinking.

“Thanks. I’m parched from all the dancing we’ve done.” She sits down on a vacant chair and quickly swallows the cool drink down. Tipping her head back, looking up at me she says, “more please.”

Smiling, I take the empty bottle from her small hand and head to the beverage table. I’m glad she wants more water. I caught her drinking out of a friend’s flask earlier. She had a bit of a buzz going on. I don’t need her falling down drunk wasting our last night together.

Sighing, I run a hand over my forehead. I want to stop thinking about the impending deadline looming in front of us. I need to put an end to the negative thoughts or I’m going to ruin what little time we have left.

As I make my way back over to where she’s seated my eyes drink her in. She’s so beautiful; she steals my breath from me. She doesn’t see me coming as she stares down at the sterling silver sun, moon and stars ring I gave her for Valentine’s Day.

When I gave her that ring I imagined someday replacing it with a diamond. I fell hard and quick for Reagan. From almost day one, I never saw our futures being separate. I always thought we were in it for the long haul.

Her head raises and our eyes meet when I stop in front of her. The smile she aims at me is so loving, it literally makes my chest ache. “Here you go, Ray,” I say, handing her the water. Our fingers brush against each other and I fight the urge to throw her over my shoulder and carry her to my car. I’m ready to leave. I need to spend the rest of this night alone with her.

“Ray,” I say her name, my voice deeper than usual.

Her eyes sweep up my torso to meet mine. “Let’s get out of here.” I hold a hand out for her. When she places hers gently in mine I tug her into my arms. I lean down, touching our foreheads together as my arms hold her close. “Do you mind if we leave now?” My voice is hoarse. My need to be alone with her is all consuming.

Can she feel how fast my heart is pounding? Does she know every single beat is for her?

“I don’t mind at all.” She tightens her arms around me briefly and then releases her hold. I catch one of her hands with mine and lead her out to my jeep.

I don’t take her back to the small ranch house I inherited when my father passed away. Instead, I take her to an overpriced hotel in the city. I made the reservation two months ago when I pictured this night ending much differently. I imagined the smile on her face when she realized what I’d done. Thinking about her aiming one of her smiles in my direction is enough to get me to do pretty much anything.

“I can’t believe you booked us a room,” she says, excitement in her tone as I finish checking in. Her eyes excitedly bounce around the opulence of the lobby, her focus quickly moving from one luxurious object to the next. This night is costing me a small fortune, but she’s worth it.

Tucking my sole credit card back in my wallet, I push it down into my back pocket.

“I wanted to do something special for my girl.” I squeeze her hand, glancing down at her upturned face. It’s only a handful of steps to the elevator. Once we’re inside I push the button for our designated floor and remind myself to breathe.

She wraps her arms around my waist and my heart pounds so hard it feels like it’s going to burst. Can she hear the crazy staccato rhythm as she rests her head on my chest? Does she notice how the tempo increases when her hand moves to my stomach, her fingers teasingly marching across the top edge of my pants.

Catching her hand in mine, I bring it to my lips, kissing the back of it. “I love you, Ray. I’m always going to love you. I hope you know that.”

She smiles. “I love you too. So much, it’s immeasurable.”

“I know you do,” I say. “But I want to make sure that no matter where life takes us, you always remember I love you.” I peer down into her eyes, my expression serious. I need her to know this with absolute certainty. “Even when it may seem like I don’t.”

The elevator arrives on the twelfth floor in no time. Strolling along the wide hallway toward our hotel room, holding hands, feels surreal.

Knowing she could be mine in every sense of the word tonight has me nervous and on edge. She’s the very definition of temptation and just like Adam did with Eve, I’m ready to take what she’s offering, consequences be damned.

But I can’t.

It’s one thing to break up with her, but it would be unforgivable to take her virginity first. As much as I want to be her first I know that privilege belongs to some other lucky bastard.

Once we’re inside our room, I immediately lock myself inside the bathroom. Resting both hands on the large, black, granite counter, I brace myself. “How are you going to get out of this one you dumb motherfucker?” I ask my reflection in the mirror. Unfortunately, no answer comes to me. There’s no easy way out of the corner I’ve backed myself into.

Shaking my head, I wish I’d broken up with Ray right after Jimmy and I had our talk. I would’ve missed the last few weeks with her, but at least I wouldn’t be in this horrible predicament.

Undoing my bow tie, I remove it and shove it in the tux jacket pocket right before I slip the uncomfortable garment off and hook it on the back of the bathroom door.

My focus is on undoing the buttons on my cuffs as I leave the bathroom and come around the corner. Glancing up as I begin to roll my sleeves, I find Ray waiting for me. She’s lying on her side, naked on the white sheet, the covers pushed to the foot of the bed. My steps halt and my mouth falls open to speak, but no words come to mind. She looks like an angel, perfect in every way. Moving toward her once again, I approach the bed. My fingers undo the buttons down the front of my shirt and I slip it off, my gaze drinking in the beauty of her subtle curves. I tug my white t-shirt over my head as quickly as possible because my eyes can’t bear to be off her. Making short work of my shoes, pants and socks, I keep my boxers on as a barrier between my cock and her pussy.

Climbing on the bed, I lie facing her. Propping my head up on one hand the other one reverently traces over her cheekbones, down to her chin and sweeps across her soft, dark pink lips. “You’re so fucking beautiful, Ray. I don’t deserve you.” The truth to my words is absolute.

Her hand slides between us to cup my cheek. “I think you’re beautiful inside and out, Noah. There isn’t anyone I’d rather be with. You’re stuck with me.” She smiles and my chest aches. If only I were stuck with her.

She pushes me to my back, taking me by surprise, climbing on top of me. “I’m tired of waiting. Take me, Noah. I’m all yours.”

I groan deeply at her words and the feeling of her warm, wet pussy embracing my cock through my boxer briefs. But mostly the deep rumble that left my chest was resignation. I’m resigned to the fact that I don’t want anyone else but me to be Ray’s first. I’ll make sure it’s everything it should be. Isn’t it better that the first person she’s with loves her?

Rolling over, I cage her under me, our bodies tight together. Staring down, I lose myself in her hazel eyes until a hand on the back of my neck urges my head down until our lips collide. The heat between us flares like a match. It’s all I can do to control myself when my cock is pressed against her pussy and I can feel how wet she is through my boxers. Raising my hips, I push them down and she assists me with her feet. The desire to be inside her is all I can think of.

“I need to get a condom,” I say, realizing I left my wallet in my pants.

“No, you don’t. I’ve been on the pill for two months now,” she says with a proud smile.

“I’ve never gone without a condom before, Ray. You’re safe with me.”

“I know, I am. I love you, Noah Nolan.”

“I love you, Ray and I always will.” I fight the urge to chant it to her over and over so she never forgets. I slide my cock along her hot, wet slit until I press against her entrance. I slowly slip inside then retreat. Taking my time, I repeat this until I’m buried balls deep inside her and the feeling is indescribable. Dropping my forehead to hers, I groan. “Ray, you feel so fucking incredible. I never want this to end.” I begin to move my hips, making love to the only girl I’ll ever love.

* * *

The cold harsh reality of morning and what this day brings has me closing my eyes and praying for more sleep. Reagan’s warm in my arms and I want nothing more than to lie here with her for as long as possible. It’s no use, though. Now that I’ve woken up, I can’t stop my brain from thinking about our impending split. And I’m not going to kid myself that this isn’t going to be goodbye. Taking her virginity and then breaking up with her the next day pretty much ensures she’s never going to speak to me again. It’s the lowest of the low. I hate myself for having sex with her last night. I’m so weak when it comes to her. I’m not sure how I’ll find the strength to follow through with my plan.

After eating the breakfast we ordered from room service, we both showered quick and checked out. Throwing the old black knapsack that used to be my dad’s in the back of my jeep, I climb in the driver’s seat. My gaze flashes to Ray as she fastens her seat belt. Every movement she makes is graceful and coordinated.

Starting the jeep, I take a deep breath and pray for the strength I need to follow through. My hands grip the black leather of the steering wheel so tightly, my knuckles are white. Tension radiates through every inch of me as we make the drive to her house. The cords in my neck are taut, my shoulders rigid as concern for Ray consumes me. I wish I knew for sure, she’d be better off without me.

The ride passes by mostly in silence. The more I try to think of things to talk about the less I can come up with. I want to cram a lifetime of speech into the last ten minutes we’ll have together and it’s not possible. What counts is the moments we’ve had for the last six months. Those are the memories that will sustain me.

All too soon, I’m turning into her driveway. As I shift into park, my phone goes off with an incoming text alert.

Jimmy - Don’t disappoint me No-No. I’d hate to have to find another fighter to focus on.

Son of a bitch. Running a hand over my forehead, I think over what needs to be said. This is what’s best for Reagan and that’s what matters. Maybe someday we can be together again, but I need to be able to provide a future for her. I won’t hold her back from her dreams. If California’s where she needs to go to achieve them, then so be it.

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking,” I say staring straight ahead. “I need to focus all my energy on training. Fighting is my future. It’s the only option I have, Ray.” My eyes flick to her. She’s staring down at her clasped hands in her lap, but I can tell by the tight set of her chin she’s upset. Fuck. Swallowing over the lump in my throat, I continue. “You have a bright future ahead of you. One that doesn’t include me. I want you to go to the college you’ve dreamt about and accomplish great things, Ray. And I’ll focus on fighting, it’s what I do best.”

Loving you is what I do best. Say something goddammit, Ray. Yell at me. Tell me you hate my guts.

Her silence guts me more than any words could. I know she’s wrecked by my words. Destroyed. Annihilated. Broken. I need to get out of here. I can’t be around her any longer. Watching her is too painful. Tears fall one after another down her cheeks, rolling off her chin and landing on her jeans. The dark, wet splotches multiply quickly. She still won’t look at me - won’t talk to me.

“I need to get going, Ray,” I say, struggling to keep all emotion out of my voice.

Her head finally raises, turning to me. Our eyes lock for one final time and the pain I see reflected in hers almost has me confessing everything. Instead, I deal the fatal blow to our relationship by walking around to her door, opening it for her. I smile and wink at her. “Thanks for being so understanding,” I say. My stomach clenches with pain as she avoids the hand I hold out for her. Gripping her arms, I pull her to me for one last press of our lips. She’s stiff as a board in my hold, her lips no longer pliant under mine.

Handing off her backpack, I quickly get back in the driver’s seat and back out before I can change my mind. She’s not even inside the house yet before I drive away. “Fuck - fuck - fuck,” I shout in the silence of my jeep. One hand leaves the wheel to grip my aching chest. “I’m sorry, Ray. I’m so fucking sorry,” I repeat over and over, until I reach my house. Once I’m inside I kick my shoes off and fall on my bed. “I’m sorry, Ray,” I whisper into the silence of my room, before I break down and allow myself to cry for the first time in my life.