Chapter Sixteen
Austen
I could hardly breathe I was so nervous.
Why was I doing this?
Was this a mistake?
Should I just turn around while there was still time?
My heart wouldn’t slow down.
My hands were sweaty as I gripped my clutch. I was almost to the windows of the restaurant when I stopped myself and stared at the road. Taxis and cars drove by, their lights bright now that the sunset had disappeared. My throat was dry, and my stomach was tight with unease.
It would be easy for me to walk away. All I had to do was wave down a cab and disappear. But then I would return to this moment some other time. Nathan would catch me off guard when I least expected it, outside my apartment or when I left work. At least now I knew it was coming.
If I left now, I would regret it.
So I straightened my posture and entered the restaurant, my fearless look back on my face. A part of me wanted to run to Ryker’s apartment and get lost in the amazing sex we had. He’d become my rock, my home. But I knew he couldn’t fix all of me—just like I couldn’t fix him.
The host directed me to the table where Nathan was already sitting, wearing a collared shirt and a tie. His blond hair was styled nicely, and he greeted me with warm eyes that I hadn’t seen in a long time. He looked at me like I was his world, just the way he did when he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.
He rose from his chair to greet me, but I quickly sat down to avoid the hug.
He lowered himself back into the chair, letting the cold brush-off slide. Bread was on the table, and there was a bottle of wine, a Pinot Grigio.
I was surprised he remembered I preferred white over red.
My mouth was still parched, so I quickly looked at my menu and tried to appear calm and collected—even though I was having a mini panic attack. “What’s good here?”
“I’ve gotten the rib eye a few times. Pretty good.” Nathan didn’t dive right into the conversation, which I appreciated. “But I know the prime rib is the best. They’re voted the number one spot for prime rib in Manhattan.”
“Thanks for the tip. I think I’ll get that.”
“Good choice.”
I set the menu down then realized I shouldn’t have made my decision so quickly. Now there was nothing to look at except his handsome face. He had kind eyes, which were innately deceitful since he’d hurt me so much. His chin was shaved, the way I preferred. He stared at me like he could hardly believe I was across from him.
I drank my wine just so I had something to do.
“What did you do today?” he asked, doing his best to break the ice.
“Ryker and I went to brunch.” I wasn’t going to lie just to make Nathan feel more comfortable. “Then we watched a movie.”
He nodded, the kindness in his look fading. “What movie did you watch?”
I didn’t expect him to ask that. “I’m not sure. We didn’t watch much of it.” I drank my wine again, not caring about the cold jab I just made.
Nathan slowly nodded his head, knowing he deserved that in addition to all the other insults I paid him.
“What did you do?” It was a pathetic attempt to make nice. I felt a little guilty for being a bitch to him…even though he deserved it.
“I went for a jog in the park. Then I stayed home all day.”
“Where’s your apartment?”
“On 8th and Elm.”
That was a nice side of town. He was probably still in the graphic section of the marketing department. He was an artistic director, overseeing all ads in mainstream media. We had a lot in common because our jobs were similar. “That sounds nice.”
“You like being back in the city?”
“So far, I love it. It’s nice to see Liam and my parents more often. And Ryker is a native, so he’s taken me to some cool places.”
He paled at the mention of Ryker again. “What does he do?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?” He couldn’t hide his surprise.
“He’s wealthy. Invested his fortune and now he kicks back.” I wouldn’t call him lazy. You couldn’t be lazy and make a retirement at such a young age.
“He seemed like the rich type.”
I gave him a warning with my eyes, telling him he would be stupid to insult the man I was sleeping with. Ryker was important to me. He made me feel good when no one else could. He was honest, good, and a big sweetheart underneath all that coldness.
Nathan made the right decision and remained quiet.
The waiter came over and took our orders then walked away again.
Now we were back to the awkwardness. Since the pleasantries were out of the way and there was no more small talk to make, there was nothing left to do but have the conversation we’d agreed to have.
“Nathan, what did you want to tell me?” I tried not to get my hopes up. I doubted there was anything he could really say to give me closure. It’d been too long since we’d broken up. I was probably too fucked up to be fixed at this point.
He sighed quietly before he took a drink of his wine, steeling himself before he spoke. He rested his elbows on the table and leaned forward, his eyes glued to mine and no one else’s. “First of all, thank you for having dinner with me—”
“Don’t kiss my ass. Just get on with it.”
He pressed his lips tightly together as he absorbed the command. It took him a moment to keep talking like nothing happened. “Do you want to know how it happened? How it started?”
“I guess.”
“Okay. I went out with Adam and Roger. We went to that bar around the corner from our apartment. I was drinking a lot. The Mets just won the World Series, so I was drinking far more than I should. I went to the bathroom, ran into Lily, and…the rest is a little blurry. She kissed me, and I kissed her back. Things heated up, and there was touching. We ended up in the bathroom together…and that was the first time I slept with her.”
I thought this information wouldn’t hurt me since it happened so long ago. But I was wrong. It hurt like fucking hell. Picturing them together, making out and touching each other…it made me regret ordering the prime rib.
“I felt guilty for what I did—truly.”
I stopped myself from rolling my eyes.
“I debated how I was going to tell you. I knew I was going to come clean about it, but I hadn’t found the courage to do it. I loved you, and I didn’t want to ruin what we had. So I kept waiting…waiting for the right moment.”
“And then you fell in love with her instead?”
“No,” he said quickly. “She and I talked about that night. I told her I wasn’t going to tell you anything. It only happened one time, and it didn’t mean anything. Plus, since it was Lily, I knew it would ruin your friendship…no good could come from it.”
Now I did roll my eyes.
“But she said she would tell you what was going on unless I slept with her again…”
“What?” I couldn’t stop my outburst from exploding. “Are you serious?”
He nodded. “She said she wanted to hook up again. If I didn’t do what she wanted, she was going to tell you everything. But she was going to tell you a different version of what really happened, that I came on to her and we’d been sleeping together for months… I didn’t know what to do, so I did as she asked.”
I couldn’t believe Lily did that to me. We’d been friends since we braided each other’s hair for the first time in sixth grade. We did everything together. We were inseparable until we went to different colleges. I never did anything to her to deserve this nightmare. “I can’t believe that…”
“I’m not making it up. The fact that Lily hasn’t spoken to you in three years is proof enough.”
He was right about that. I never understood how we were so close then she ran off with my fiancé. It was like she was a different person.
“Of course, that one time turned into two. Then it turned into three, and it just kept going. I got fed up with it and told her I didn’t care anymore. She could tell you the truth for all I cared.”
“And then what happened?” Now I was invested in the story, needing to know what happened even though I already lived through the nightmare.
“She told me she was pregnant.”
I shut my mouth and clenched my jaw, thinking about Lily pregnant with Nathan’s child. He and I were the ones who were supposed to get married and have children. But she decided to sabotage that.
I knew they never had children. If they had, I would have known about it. So something must have happened.
“When she told me she was pregnant, I knew I was screwed. I was in too deep, and I couldn’t fix our relationship. I knew there was no other outcome for us besides a breakup. I mean, it never would have worked. So…that was why I left. I asked her to marry me because I wanted to be a family. We had great sex, and we did get along well…” He didn’t make eye contact with me when he said that part. “So I just bit the bullet and did it. But then she told me she lost the baby, which was probably a lie. She probably was never pregnant to begin with. But we were married, and I thought we could make it work. She was a lot different after we tied the knot. Affectionate, loving, friendly…we had good times. But I got to the end of the road and knew I couldn’t do it for the rest of my life. I made a stupid mistake, but I didn’t deserve to be punished forever. So I left her.” He watched me across the table, his eyes taking in my reaction. “And now I’m here with you.”
He could tell me that story a million times, but I would never be able to digest it. It left a bad taste in my mouth, a disgusting sensation. “There’s something that’s not making any sense…”
“I’ll tell you anything you want to know.” He jumped at the possibility of making things easier for me, but there was nothing he could do to erase the last three years of anguish.
“Why did Lily do this to me? It seemed like revenge.”
He nodded like he expected me to ask that. “I didn’t get the truth out of her for a while. Apparently, she found out that you slept with Owen Carter when you knew she was in love with him. She found out from Cassandra Taylor…”
I slept with Owen when I was in college, and it was a stupid mistake. I was drunk and he was drunk. I knew she had feelings for him, but they weren’t even seeing each other. They hadn’t even been on a first date. I felt terrible for what I did, and I planned to take the secret to my grave. Owen must have told Cassandra, who then told Lily a few years later. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
He shrugged. “I thought it was extreme too.”
“I’m not making excuses for what I did. It was really terrible. I was a shitty friend. But they weren’t even seeing each other. She just said she really liked him, but he never asked her out. And I didn’t plan on sleeping with him. It just—”
“I know. I’m totally on your side, Austen.”
“And to steal the love of my life…that’s just low. Those aren’t even comparable crimes.”
His eyes softened at my words.
I wished I hadn’t said that, but now it was too late. I pushed through like it never happened. “I can’t believe all of this happened because of something like Owen Carter…”
“Lily has always been the petty type. She’s vain, selfish… You just never noticed because she was on your team. When you guys are on the same side, she’s an angel. But that doesn’t mean she’s not a little crazy.”
I knew all of that was true since he was married to her.
“I still don’t know why you didn’t tell me any of this when you left.”
He stared at the table for a long time like he didn’t know how to answer. “So much had happened…so many terrible things. When I saw the look on your face when you caught us together…there was no going back. Nothing I said was going to make the situation better. Saying nothing and just leaving you alone was the best thing I could do for you.”
After all this time, after all these years of heartbreak, this was the truth. “Nathan, I would have appreciated knowing what really happened. I was going to marry you. I think I deserved the truth, even if we couldn’t get back together.”
“I know.” He bowed his head. “You’re right. That’s why I’m here now.”
It was too late.
“I know I didn’t really fix anything. But I wanted you to know that I didn’t leave because I was unhappy with you or because I wasn’t in love with you. I left because…I was a fucking idiot and got myself mixed up with stupidity. I missed you a lot. I tried to love Lily, and I eventually grew fond of her…but she was never you.”
The tears started deep inside my chest, but I never let them progress up my throat. I couldn’t let Nathan see my tears—not now or ever. This conversation gave me closure, which was I grateful for. But it somehow made me feel worse. If Lily hadn’t struck a vendetta against me, I could be happy right now. I could be married and surrounded by my children.
“I’m so sorry, Austen.” He blinked away the moisture that formed in his eyes. “If I could take it back, I would. I wish we were in living in a house in the country. I wish our kids were three years old and walking. I wish…I wish everything was different.”
“And I wish you hadn’t slept with her in that bar,” I said coldly. “Lily is to blame for a lot of this, but none of it would have happened if you hadn’t fucked her, Nathan. You could have just walked away, no matter how drunk you were. That will never be a suitable excuse.”
He didn’t argue. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have let it happen. I shouldn’t have drunk that much. I should have done whatever it took to get the hell out of there and back to you. Believe me, not a day goes by that I don’t regret that god-awful night.” He covered his face with his hands and slowly dragged them down his cheeks. He released a quiet sigh, showing a broken and vulnerable side that I hadn’t noticed until now. “I know sorry isn’t good enough. It’ll never be good enough. But believe me when I say, I hate myself for what I’ve done to you. Not just then, but in the years after. It was wrong of me ever to let you think I stopped loving you…because I never stopped.” He looked me in the eye again, his eyes wet. “I’ll never stop.”
My heart slammed in my chest, racing a million miles a minute. I could hardly breathe because everything was working in overdrive. Nathan just poured his heart out in the middle of dinner, and I actually believed his confession of remorse. My hatred for him ebbed away because I couldn’t hold on to it any longer. “I forgive you, Nathan.”
He stared at me with hollow eyes, like he couldn’t believe me.
“Truly. I do.”
“Austen…you give me more compassion than I deserve.”
Maybe letting go would finally free me from my own torture. Maybe I could trust a man again. Maybe I could have a real relationship that wasn’t solely based on sex. Maybe I had a chance at real happiness. “I don’t want to keep hating you. I want to move on with my life. I think I can do that now.”
He brought his hands together on the table. His shoulders looked broad and powerful in the collared shirt. He was just as in shape as he’d always been. A good-looking guy like him could find someone to settle down with in a heartbeat. “I know I’m pushing my luck right now. But…I would really love another chance to be with you. I know I don’t deserve you, not after what I did. But…I know you still love me. And I still love you. What happened to us was a tragedy. We have to fix it. We have to have the life we were meant to live.”
Deep in my gut, I suspected this was his motive all along. I couldn’t count the number of fantasies I’d had about this moment. I pictured him saying Lily wasn’t half the woman I was and he’d made the worst mistake of his life by being with her. He was on his hands and knees, begging for another opportunity. But those fantasies died a year after we broke up. But then, I knew he wasn’t coming back. “No.”
Disappointment rose into his features. “I was expecting you to say that. Can we do baby steps? Will you have coffee with me on Tuesday?”
“I don’t want to do baby steps, Nathan.”
“But you love me.” He said it with more confidence than I’d ever heard him utter. “I can see it in your eyes.”
My feelings were undeniable, even to me. I wouldn’t be sitting at that table with him if feelings weren’t there. I wouldn’t have been single for the past few years if I was really over him. I wouldn’t be doing half the things I did if I was really okay. I knew I wanted to be with him, to have the beautiful relationship we once had. But love wasn’t enough for me. “I do.” I didn’t feel ashamed for admitting it. It was obvious Nathan knew the truth anyway. “But it’ll never work. I don’t trust you, and I never will. And without trust…there’s nothing there.”
“I can earn your trust, Austen. It’ll take time, but I can do it.”
“Besides, I’m seeing someone.” Ryker popped into my mind. I wondered what he would say once I told him about my evening.
“I know you don’t love him.”
“That doesn’t matter.” Maybe I wasn’t in love with him, but I did care for him—a lot. He’d become my best friend over the past few months. We did almost everything together, developing a beautiful camaraderie we both enjoyed. We were two broken people who fit together perfectly.
Nathan sighed like he’d given up the argument. Or perhaps he just postponed it for another time. “Thank you for having dinner with me. I’ve wanted to get this off my chest for a long time.”
I didn’t have the will to say anything back, to say something positive to make the conversation less stressful. Knowing the truth made things easier, and forgiving him allowed my body to finally relax. But no matter what pretty words he said to me, it wouldn’t change the fact that he broke my heart.