Chapter Eighteen
Austen
When I got off work, I thought about going to the gym. I hadn’t been in a while, and I really needed to get my butt into gear. I had a treadmill desk so I didn’t sit in a chair all day long, but that still didn’t get my heart rate up. But I was a pretty lazy person. The gym was exhausting and boring at the same time—not my style.
Besides, Ryker certainly got my heart rate up.
I walked out of the office and took the elevator to the lobby, feeling guilty for not changing into my gym clothes. I left the bag in my office just in case I changed my mind tomorrow—which was extremely unlikely.
I finally walked out of the building and directly into the sunshine. Instead of enjoying the beautiful day and the sweltering heat, I nearly walked right into Nathan. “Geez, you scared the crap out of me.” I stepped back with my hand over my chest, not expecting him to appear out of nowhere like that.
“Sorry.” He stepped back like distance would make this situation better. “I was just passing by on my way to the store. Wasn’t expecting to see you.”
I saw right through that. I gave him a look that said I was calling him out on his bullshit.
“Okay…maybe I wasn’t going to the store.”
Now that Nathan and I had had dinner together, I wasn’t repulsed by him. I could look at him without insulting him. The rage I once possessed was gone. I would even go far enough to say I was actually calm around him.
“I was going to grab a coffee from The Muffin Girl. You wanna join?”
He’d asked me to give him another chance, and I said no. Perhaps he wasn’t accepting my answer. “We’re never getting back together, Nathan. I don’t want you to waste your time.”
“That’s fine,” he said quickly. “But can we be friends? You were a big part of my life, Austen. I know I was a big part of yours. It would be a shame if we couldn’t preserve something, right?”
The suggestion seemed harmless, but I’d been tricked before.
“It’s just coffee. Nice conversation.”
When he made it sound so easy, I couldn’t turn him down. His five o’clock shadow had come in, and he’d done his hair that day. He looked handsome in the t-shirt he wore, his lean muscles and strong frame filling out the fabric well. I suspected I would always be attracted to him, always have a spot for him. “Uh, okay.”
He beamed like it was the happiest day of his life. “Awesome.”
***
We got our coffees and muffins and sat at a picnic table outside. Nathan didn’t try to pay for my food, for which I was grateful. Anytime a man offered to pay, it made it seem like a date.
And this definitely wasn’t a date.
At first, it was awkward to sit across from one another. I set my phone on the surface just in case someone texted me. And by someone, I meant Ryker. I saw him almost every single day. That was the norm for us now. I picked at my blueberry muffin, taking small bites just so I had something to do other than stare at him.
“How was your day?” he asked.
“Good. I just launched this new marketing campaign that seems to be working. My boss said he’s pleased with it.”
“I’m sure it’ll be great. You’re a genius when it comes to stuff like that.”
Controlling the narrative and the perspective of the general population was a strained art. It was too difficult to predict how people would receive advertisements and news. But that was why I loved it so much. It was wild and uncontrollable. “I do my best and hope for a good reaction. When it comes to the area of social media, you never know what’s gonna happen.”
“I can imagine.”
“How’s Helium?” Nathan worked as an art director for an online streaming service where people watched TV shows and movies directly in their homes.
“The same. We’ve been producing more than ever, so we’ve hired some new talent. We’ve got so many ads running I can’t even keep track anymore. I just designed a billboard. It’s over on Houston.”
“Oh, that’s cool.” I worked with an art director on a daily basis to get what we needed. It was ironic that Nathan and I had so much in common professionally. We really were a great couple. There wasn’t a single thing I would have changed about our relationship while we were together.
“I have to work more when I’d rather not, but that’s okay. I love my job.”
I nodded in agreement because I loved mine too. There was nothing else I’d rather be doing. I sipped my coffee and glanced at my phone, hoping a message from Ryker would pop up. I couldn’t leave Nathan so quickly, but I was still eager to get to Ryker’s apartment to do what we did best.
“How are the girls? I didn’t get a chance to speak to them at the wedding.”
Good thing he didn’t try. Maddie probably would have punched him. “Good. Looks like Maddie is seeing my brother. I hope that doesn’t go to shit.”
“Yeah, that could get complicated.”
“Jared is seeing this nice girl, but I can tell he’s still into Maddie. I catch him looking at her all the time.” I wasn’t sure why I was telling Nathan this. I fell back into our old ways when I told him all the insignificant details of my life. It was frightening how easily it happened, like I just came home from work and we were telling each other about our day.
“Can’t blame him. She’s a catch.”
I didn’t feel the surge of jealousy like I thought I might. Madeline would never backstab me the way Lily did, so there was no reason to be upset by his comment. Besides, he was right. He would have to be blind not to find her attractive.
“But I feel bad for the girl he’s seeing. That’s not fair to her.”
He was one to talk.
Nathan caught on to my change of mood. “It’s okay to still be angry at me. You have every right to be.”
After all this time, he still knew me so well. “Do you have any roommates?” It was a stupid question and I didn’t even care about the answer, but I asked it just to change the subject.
“No. I’m alone in a one-bedroom apartment. I’m too old for a roommate. Wouldn’t have the patience for it.”
I didn’t want a roommate either. After sharing an apartment all through college, I was over it. I’d rather pay the extra cash for my privacy. I was still saving money, just not as much as I could be saving.
“Do anything fun last night?”
“We went racing.”
“Like go-carts?” he asked.
“No. The cars are actually pretty fast. You have to wear helmets and everything.”
“Sounds intense.”
“The girls and I won. Totally smoked the guys.”
He wore a forced smile, probably assuming Ryker was there. “You should go pro.”
“Nah,” I said as I picked at my muffin again. “I’ll crash and kill lots of people.”
He chuckled. “Then you should definitely stay off the racetrack.” He sipped his coffee and eyed the café through the window. His eyes stayed there for a long time before he turned back to me. “How are your folks?”
I assumed he would ask about them eventually. “Good. Still live at the edge of the city.”
“Cool.” Nathan and my father used to be close. They went fishing a few times. He never saw my parents again after he left me.
Both of my parents were pissed when they found out what happened, but they never showed it around me, probably knowing it would only make me feel worse. My parents were selfless like that. “My dad just got a new BBQ. So he’s been grilling all summer.”
“That sounds nice.”
“He knows how to prepare a great burger. When he retires, I think he should have his own cooking show.”
“I’d watch that,” he said with a smile.
“How are your parents?”
“They’re good. Mom is still an interior decorator. She likes it. My dad loves being retired.”
“Cool. And your brother?”
“He’s the same knucklehead he’s always been,” he said with a chuckle. “He’s still at Dynamite Fitness around the corner.”
“Still a personal trainer?”
“Yep.” He nodded. “Still ripped as hell.”
“Well, you’re pretty ripped too.” The words tumbled out of my mouth like vomit, and I immediately regretted saying them. It was obvious I was attracted to him because I did agree to marry him at one point, but I didn’t want to wear my feelings on my sleeve. I learned my lesson the hard way.
“Thanks. You look like you’re in shape too.”
I laughed because he couldn’t be more wrong. “I’ve been trying to talk myself into going to the gym every single day after work…but I never go.”
“Good. We wouldn’t be having coffee together if you did.”
I forced my cheeks not to blush. I wasn’t sure how I did it, but I managed to make it happen. “Good thing you aren’t a personal trainer. I don’t think you’d be very good at it.”
He chuckled. “You have a good point.”
I finished the rest of my muffin then had nothing else to pick at except the wrapper. For the entire conversation, I had my guard up and refused to let him in. The trust was permanently broken, and nothing could repair it. But I still felt something for him. I suspected I would for the rest of my life. When I said I loved him, I really meant it. I thought he was my Prince Charming, the man I thought I was supposed to be with. Could I ever really stop loving someone I’d loved so much? I didn’t think it was possible—at least not for me.
Nathan picked up on the subtle mood change. “What did I say?”
“Nothing,” I said quickly. “I was just drifting for a second there…”
His eyes softened like he knew it was a lie. “I’m always here to talk if you need someone to listen—about anything. I miss our conversations over dinner. I miss telling you about my day. I miss hearing you tell me about yours. Even if we can’t be together again, I would love just to talk to you. I know that sounds weird—”
“I understand, Nathan.” The first year of our breakup, I wanted him to call me. I wanted something from him—anything. I managed not to reach out to him because my pride wouldn’t allow me to look so weak. But I definitely thought about it a few times. “More than you know.”
***
I drank a bottle of wine by myself while I sat on the couch and watched TV. A game was on, but I wasn’t really watching it because I was thinking about my afternoon with Nathan.
What the hell was I doing?
How did I still have feelings for him after what he did to me?
He cheated on me.
Cheated.
I hadn’t had a single relationship since that god-awful day, and I’d given up on love entirely. But all that heartbreak disappeared once I got an apology from him. I even had coffee with him when I didn’t owe him a damn thing.
What was wrong with me?
I couldn’t go down that road again. Nathan seemed sincere about his apology. He seemed patient and understanding. And he seemed like the man I used to know, the one who would do anything for me.
But that shouldn’t be enough.
If I gave him another chance, my friends would never approve. My parents would be livid. Liam would be annoyed. No one would be on my side—except Ryker. I knew he didn’t like Nathan after what he did to me, but he would accept it. No one else would.
But even if I couldn’t get everyone else on board, that shouldn’t matter. Nathan slept with someone else, so I could never trust him again. That wasn’t how I was going to get my happily ever after. I respected myself way too much.
But then I felt that tingly sensation in my gut when I looked at him across the table. When he asked me to coffee, I couldn’t say no. I found myself walking down memory lane, recalling the way he proposed to me on the sand of Myrtle Beach.
What was wrong with me?
I just finished the last drop of wine when Ryker called me. I didn’t want to talk right then, but I didn’t want to be alone tonight either. Whenever I was with that man, I was happy. I didn’t think about my problems. I just fell into a safe place, knowing no one could ever harm me. Something about his rugged smile, his beautiful eyes, and that good heart made me forget all the bullshit in my life. Even when we weren’t screwing, I was happy.
I picked up before it went to voicemail. “Hello?”
“I’ll take a large combination with extra olives, please.”
I raised an eyebrow, not catching on to his strange game. “Extra olives? You’re greedy.”
“Hey, I’ll pay for the extras. So when is my delivery going to arrive? I’m starving.”
My stomach rumbled because I hadn’t had anything since that muffin. “Depends.”
“I’ll tip you real nice.”
I laughed. “No. You better order a real pizza because now my stomach is rumbling.”
He chuckled. “I’m on it. A combination with no onion, right?”
Ryker knew me better than I gave him credit for. “Yep.”
“I’ll order it now. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want your ass over here as soon as possible.”
“Alright, my ass is coming.”
“Good. See you soon, sweetheart.” He hung up.
I listened to the line go dead. The second we started talking, I felt uplifted. He was the only person who could make me laugh with I was down. He was the only person who could make me feel wanted without even trying. And now I felt better. I eyed my empty bottle of wine and didn’t know why I’d moped around all day in the first place. I could have just gone to his place.
I packed a bag then walked to his apartment a few blocks over. I never took a cab because they usually smelled like cigarette smoke, and they took forever to get anywhere anyway. When I walked, I got to stretch my legs and enjoy the view of Central Park along the way.
I arrived at his door fifteen minutes later, my bag over my shoulder.
The second he opened the door, he snatched me and yanked me inside. “There’s my dinner.” He shut the door and pressed me against it, his mouth on mine. He gave me a scorching kiss as he grabbed my hands and pinned them against the wood. He sucked my bottom lip into his mouth before he gave me some of his tongue. “Yum.”
I was still starving, but I didn’t care about the pizza anymore. I cared about the feast that was right before my eyes. I yanked his shirt over his head, revealing his perfectly chiseled chest and his tight stomach. “Stay just like that…” I pressed my hand against his chest and forced him to lean back slightly.
“This better be good.”
I pulled my phone from my back pocket and took a picture of him, capturing his brooding gaze and his rugged jawline. His flawless physique looked even better photographed. “Perfect. That way I can see this picture every time you call me.”
“And every time you touch yourself.” Now that the phone was back in my pocket, he pressed his body against mine again and kissed me harder than he did before. He undid my jeans and yanked them off as I removed his. Soon, our bottoms were gone, and my body was in the air with my back against the door.
“You can’t even get through the front door without being fucked.” He shoved himself inside me, holding me up with ease as he kissed me again.
“Why do you think I come over all the time?”
He smiled against my mouth as he continued to thrust into me hard against the door. His hips bucked as he gave me his entire length over and over. Sweat collected on his body as he worked to please both of us, giving it to me good and hard.
It was a rough and quick fuck, both of us releasing our sexual frustration together. Whenever I was at work, sometimes my thoughts would drift to him and his enormous package. And I wished I worked from home just so I could stop by for some action.
He made me come quickly, his pelvic bone rubbing right against my clit as he buried me inside the door.
I came with a scream, digging my nails into his back while shuddering at the same time. My ankles locked around his waist, and I buried my face into his neck as I finished the euphoria he just gave me.
Ryker followed me immediately afterward, coming deep inside me and filling me with all of his come. He moaned against the door, his grunts just as sexy as his appearance. He kept me pinned there as he recovered, his heart racing against mine as he caught his breath.
Ryker was a god. “Jesus Christ, that was good.”
“You can call me Ryker.”
I rolled my eyes and released a chuckle. “Oh, shut up.”
A knock sounded on the door, full of reluctance. It was a quiet tap, like the person knew we were right against the door.
Shit.
Ryker quickly set me down and pulled on his clothes.
It must be the pizza guy, so I darted into the bathroom with my clothes and quickly dressed while Ryker faced the delivery person.
“Uh…large combination?” the guy asked hesitantly.
“Yeah.” Ryker’s deep voice sounded confident, like he had nothing to be ashamed of.
“Let me get the change for you…”
“Keep it.” Ryker shut the door.
I walked out of the bathroom with just my t-shirt on, my cheeks red with humiliation. There was no way the guy didn’t figure out what we were just doing a moment ago.
Ryker popped open the lid with a proud smile on his face. “What?”
“He totally heard us.”
“So what?”
“It’s a little embarrassing, don’t you think?”
“Not for me.” He grabbed a slice and dropped it onto a plate. “I gave him a nice tip, so he’ll be fine.” He set the plate down in front of me before he grabbed his own slice.
I sat down on one of the barstools and devoured my piece, starving after the fucking we just did.
Ryker continued to stand, eating his pizza and making it look sexy as hell. He could be in a commercial for any pizza chain and double their sales. “How was your day?”
Nathan popped into my head, but I didn’t want to talk about him. It just bummed me out. When I was with Ryker, I was happy, so I didn’t want to change that. “Pretty boring. When I left work, I was going to go to the gym, but I decided to drink a bottle of wine instead.”
“I think you made the right choice, for what it’s worth.”
“Really? Mr. I’m-in-perfect-shape?”
“Yes, I work my ass off to look like this. I’m not embarrassed about it.” He grabbed another slice. “But you, on the other hand, look damn sexy without doing a thing, so just keep doing what you’re doing.”
“It’ll catch up.”
“Nah. Even if you gained a few pounds, you’d still be hot as fuck.”
“You’re just saying that.”
“I’m really not.” He took a bite before he dropped the slice onto his plate. “You’re a natural beauty, you know?”
“A natural beauty?” I asked, a smile creeping into my face.
“Yeah.”
“What’s a natural beauty?”
He chewed for a second before he answered. “So, there are hot chicks with their perfect bodies, done hair, long legs, etc. They’re your supermodels and porn stars. That’s not you.”
“Ouch,” I said with a chuckle.
“You’re a natural beauty, meaning you don’t need makeup, designer clothing, any enhancement. You walk into a room, and you steal focus. People respect you. People adore you. You’ve got this natural grace that just makes you…special. You’re the kind of woman a man wants for his wife, to be the mother of his children. You aren’t the kind of woman a guy wants for the night so he can brag to his friends. You’re a keeper. No man wants a one-night stand with you because they can’t get enough. That’s what I mean.” He took another bite of his slice like he hadn’t just said the sweetest thing I’d ever heard.
I stared at him blankly, feeling the blush burn in my cheeks. No one had ever said anything so sweet to me, that I was unforgettable and special. I didn’t do anything to deserve such a compliment, and he blurted it out like it wasn’t hard for him to say. “I…I don’t know what to say to that.”
“You don’t need to say anything. You asked me a question, and I answered it.” He kept eating like everything was normal, like he hadn’t just said something that every woman wanted to hear from her significant other. “Want another piece?”
I lost my appetite after everything he’d just said. “No, thanks.”
***
Ryker was cuddled into my side, spooning me from behind. After another round of amazing sex, we lay together in comfortable silence. The TV wasn’t on, and we just enjoyed each other’s company.
“I’m gonna get some water.” He kissed my hairline as he got out of bed. “Want anything, sweetheart?”
“No, I’m okay.” He pulled on his sweats then left the bedroom.
The second he was gone, I missed him. The sheets were cold, and his smell didn’t envelop me.
His phone vibrated on the nightstand when a message popped up. My eyes automatically went to it in reaction, and instantly, I saw the name on the screen.
Rae.
I quickly looked away and didn’t read the message, out of respect for his privacy. But I still felt the pain hit me right in the gut. Jealousy washed through me like it never had before. I shouldn’t care, but I couldn’t help it. I did care—a lot. This was the woman he was still in love with, the only woman he’d ever loved. They obviously still kept in contact. It made me wonder how many nights he went to sleep thinking about her, wishing she were beside him instead of me.
I’d never felt so low.
I couldn’t remember the last time I felt this terrible.
Must have been the night I walked in on Nathan and Lily.
I quickly got out of bed and pulled on my jeans and t-shirt, wanting to get out of there so I wouldn’t have to see another text message pop up. Ryker didn’t do anything wrong. I’d just gone to coffee with Nathan earlier that day. Ryker didn’t owe me anything, and I knew that.
But I still wanted to leave.
I walked into the kitchen and saw him standing at the sink drinking a glass of water.
He turned to me when he realized I walked into the room. “Change your mind…why are you dressed?”
“I just remembered I need to do laundry. I’m out of everything.” I did my best to lie and make it sound convincing. I slept at his place on a normal basis now, so it was unusual for me to storm out like this. “No panties, no nothing.”
“Then don’t wear panties.” He waggled his eyebrows.
I would normally chuckle or crack a smile, but now I just wanted to go. “I’ll see you later.”
That reaction tipped him off. “Everything alright, sweetheart?” He walked to me where I stood in the entryway, looking me up and down with his piercing gaze.
“Yeah, I’m great. I just need to do a load. If I don’t start now, it’ll take forever.” I rose on my tiptoes and gave him a quick kiss on the lips, trying not to picture what Rae might look like. “I’ll see you later.”
He snatched me by the wrist before I could walk out the open door. He yanked me back into his chest, getting a good look at my expression. “Why do I get the feeling you’re lying to me?”
I wouldn’t last much longer under that hot stare. “Because you just don’t want me to go.” I moved back into him and kissed him again, this time harder and with more passion. I had to make him think everything was okay. That was everything was perfect. Otherwise, he would drag it out of me, and it would ruin everything. He said he would never have feelings for me. If I made it awkward, he might stop our relationship altogether. I pulled away and kept my face close to his. “I won’t wear panties tomorrow…and I’ll be thinking of you.”
***
“What’s wrong?” Madeline sat across from me at our usual picnic table outside of The Muffin Girl.
“What makes you think anything is wrong?”
“I could tell just through text. You’re off. Plus, the look on your face is a pretty big deal-breaker too.”
Maybe I wasn’t so good at appearances after all.
“Did something happen with Nathan?”
I told her everything that happened with Nathan, from our dinner together and to the present moment. “But he’s not the one I’m upset about.”
“Wait…why did you get coffee with him yesterday?”
“I have no idea, Maddie. He just asked me, and I couldn’t say no. And I feel all these feelings that I used to feel for him… Am I the most pathetic person in the world?”
Instead of giving me shit, she sighed. “No, not at all.”
“After what he did to me, I shouldn’t want anything to do with him. But I’m still attracted to him. When I’m with him…it feels right. I feel like I’ve got my Nathan back. But I can’t let that happen, right?”
Madeline took a long time to respond, probably understanding just how heavy this conversation was. “You still love him.”
“I guess…” The truth was looking me right in the face. Even if I closed my eyes, the truth was still there.
“I remember how you felt about him, Austen. You were head over heels. I honestly thought you guys were meant to be. You were the ideal couple. I really thought he loved you. So I understand why you’re struggling with this. I don’t think it makes you stupid or weak. You really love him…even now.”
“But I shouldn’t, right?”
She shrugged. “I don’t think love is logical. You can’t control the way you feel about someone.”
“So you think I should give him another chance?”
She held up her hand. “I definitely did not say that.”
“So you don’t think I should give him another chance?”
“Personally, no. But this is you—not me.” She gave me a look full of pity, like she wished she could do more for me.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Maddie. I don’t want to feel this way.”
“I know…”
“And then on top of that, I was at Ryker’s last night. Everything was fine until I saw Rae send him a text message at nine in the evening.”
“Who’s Rae?” she asked.
“The woman Ryker is still in love with.” Saying the words out loud hurt as much as they did when I said them in my head. “Ryker and I agreed to a casual arrangement, but when I saw that message, I felt terrible. I got dressed and took off.”
Madeline straightened once I told her the story. “So, you have real feelings for Ryker?”
Why was my life so upside down right now? “I don’t know…I thought I didn’t.”
“If you were that jealous over a text message, I think that’s pretty obvious. What did it say?”
“I didn’t look. I just left.”
“So…you’re into two different guys?”
I dragged my hands down my face. “I’m such a slut, I know.”
“I never called you a slut,” she said calmly. “But are you into two different guys? Has this thing with Ryker started to mean something to you?”
“I…I don’t know.” We started off as a fling, but now I spent almost every single day with him. When I didn’t talk to him, I missed him. Whenever I was down, he was the first person I turned to. He’d become my closest friend in the world and the best sex I’ve ever had.
“Does he know how you feel about Nathan?”
I nodded. “I told him I still have feelings that I can’t get rid of.”
“And he told you how he felt about this Rae person?”
I nodded again.
“It sounds like you guys are in exactly the same boat.”
“I suppose.” I took a large bite of my muffin, needing some serious comfort food.
“Maybe your feelings for Ryker are stronger than you think they are. Think about it, you’ve been seeing him for months now.”
“But we agreed it would never mean anything—”
“Things change, Austen. I’ve seen the way Ryker looks at you. You definitely aren’t just a fling to him.”
I remembered what Ryker said to me yesterday, that he thought of me as natural beauty. “I know he really cares about me, and we have a connection. But I don’t think he wants more than what we have.”
“How do you know unless you talk to him?” she countered.
I didn’t know, but I suspected the answer. He still had feelings for Rae, and I still had feelings for Nathan. But whatever the two of us had together was pretty great. I wasn’t sure if it would ever go anywhere, not after we agreed to be meaningless in the first place. “I don’t know…”
“I would think about it. It’s obvious Ryker makes you happy. I can see it written all over your face. If you’re willing to give someone else a chance, I think it should be him.”
“Yeah?”
She nodded. “I do. Nathan had his chance, but he blew it. I know you still love him, but he can’t erase what he did. Things like that are hard to get over—no matter how much time has passed.”