Lauren

Denver, Colorado 2004

 

 

“So, you’re going to be graduating in a few weeks. Have you thought anymore about having a party?” Joshua sat down across from me at the small breakfast table in his condo.

I paused with a spoonful of Froot Loops halfway to my mouth. “I thought we agreed that there would be no party.”

He shook his head. “I never agreed to that, Mija. I said that you only graduate high school once in your life and with your class ranking—it’s time to celebrate.”

I nodded along as he went off on a tangent about class ranking and college acceptance letters. I’d been living in his two-bedroom condo for a month now. I’d spent the first two weeks unable to relax—I was convinced that Monica was going to show up and take me back. Wherever she was, I was now sure that I was the furthest thing from her mind.

Joshua had risked his career for me—as much as I held onto my ‘tough girl’ persona, I couldn’t take what he’d done for granted. Without my stomach rumbling all night, I found that I could sleep soundly. I didn’t have to worry about Becca and the Bitches because I was able to shower at home.

When his mother found out that he’d taken me in, she’d shown up and insisted on cooking a feast to welcome me. It was then that I realized that Joshua did not know his way around a kitchen. I’d watched eagerly as she effortlessly made tamales, trying and failing to commit every step to memory. He’d managed to set off the smoke alarm making refried beans and his mother had laughed before exclaiming, “Josué, you will be the death of me. Please tell me you will not let this poor girl starve to death once I leave.”

I liked the way she made the name Joshua sound so fancy.

Ho Sway.

Mrs. Santiago ensured that the rest of our meal was edible before promising to host a large family gathering where I could meet the rest of the Santiago family.

“Thank you, Mrs. Santiago…for everything.”

She’d shushed me. “Nonsense, Mija—call me Abuelita.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell her that my situation with Josué was only temporary. He’d waited until she left before knocking on my bedroom door.

“You know that you can stay here as long as you want, right?”

I’d nodded before looking back down at my college algebra homework, my eyes bright with unshed tears. It wouldn’t last…it never did.

He’d gripped my chin and tilted my head up. “Mija, look at me. You are not a burden. I like having you around and nothing is going to change that. We make a good team, you and me.”

The tears spilled over then and I couldn’t hold back. “Is this your way of saying you’re adopting me?”

I’d meant it as a joke, but he’d gone serious and nodded. “Absolutely—I mean, maybe not legally as you’re almost eighteen, but figuratively.”

For a counselor, he wasn’t great at expressing his emotions, but I got the gist. I had a home.

“Hello…earth to LoLo. You’ve been nodding for the last five minutes; does this mean you’ll consider the party?”

I put my spoonful of cereal back down in the bowl. “Okay, Josué. I’ll agree to it.”

He grinned in victory and I held up my hand. “Wait just a minute. I’ll agree to it under one condition—you let me find you a date.”

His face paled. “Mija, I’m not sure—I mean, I don’t know how to tell you—”

I took a big bite of cereal and talked through a full mouth. “Tell me what? That you’re gay? Josué, that’s the worst kept secret at Thomas Jefferson High.”

I’d liked the way his mom said his name so much that I’d begun using it myself.

His cheeks pinkened and he looked down at the table. “I didn’t want you to think less of—wait, everyone knows?”

I reached across and patted his arm. “Just let me handle this, okay?”

I’d already been busy researching dating sites on his old laptop. He didn’t need to know that though. So, maybe I’d known that he wasn’t straight from my first meeting with him. That was, what—three years ago? I’d lost count of the number of times I’d been in his office over the years, but I liked to think that I would’ve helped him find love, even if he hadn’t saved my life.

The doorbell buzzed just as he opened his mouth to protest again and I swung up out of my chair easily. “Maybe that’s your Prince Charming now, Josué!”

He rolled his eyes. “Estás loca.”

The doorbell buzzed again just as I reached it. “Okay, okay. I’m coming. Hold on to your—” The words froze on my lips as I threw open the door. “Monica?”

My mother held her arms out to the side and curtsied. “Hey there, stranger.” She looked like shit—her hair was matted and by the coloring on her face, it was obvious she was using heavily again.

She made a move as if to hug me, but I stepped back out of her reach. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Monica stumbled in after me. “Language, missy. Can’t a mother come visit her little girl? Nice digs—you get you a man?”

Josué came around the corner, but froze when he saw her. “Hello, I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Joshua—and you are?”

She straightened up and ran a hand through her hair; as if that would make her presentable.

“Monica.” She held out her hand, but he made no move to take it. She turned back to me. “Well, he’s a bit older than I would’ve chosen for you, but if he keeps you warm at night, I’m happy.”

My nose wrinkled in disgust. “Ew, no. It’s not like that. How did you find me?”

She shrugged while eyeing everything in the living room before replying absently, “I just needed to see you. I wrote you a letter and it got returned. Your new address was on a small label near the bottom. I said to myself, ‘Monica, where could that girl have gone off to?’ I guess you couldn’t hold on to the duplex?”

I ground my teeth together in frustration. “Well Monica, without a birth certificate or driver’s license, it’s sort of impossible to find a job. No job means no money. No money means no housing…or electricity…or running water, for that matter. You left to go find work, remember?” Josué came over and put a protective arm around my shoulders.

Monica saw it and grinned. “You say it’s not like that, but I have sort of a sixth sense about things like this. You may not be into him, but he is definitely into you. As for the job, I got one. I’ve been working at the Purina plant for the last few weeks. I wrote you a letter so you wouldn’t worry and lo and behold, you’ve gone off with an older man and lost the duplex.”

My head dropped onto my chest and I let out an exhausted sigh. Arguing with her was like arguing with a two-year-old; there was no way to win. We’d go around in circles until I gave up. When she was on benders like this, she’d lose track of time. In her mind, she’d probably only been gone for a week at most—not months.

“What can we do for you, Monica?” Josué stepped in before I completely lost it.

She tried to discreetly look over his shoulder and down the hallway. “Well, I just discovered that I don’t exactly have a place to sleep right now and wondered if I could crash here?” Seeing the horrified expression on Josué’s face, she amended, “I mean, just for tonight.”

He looked at me, clearly leaving the decision in my hands. I was tempted to tell her to get out, but she looked so pathetic, I’d have been a monster to turn her away.

“Just for tonight. You’ll have to leave in the morning.”

She nodded. “Sure—you two lovebirds need your alone time.”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever you say, Monica. We can make you a bed on the couch. If you want to shower, I’ve got soap and shampoo in the bathroom. I might even have some clothes you could wear.”

Regardless of what she’d told us about having a job, it was obvious that she hadn’t bathed in quite some time. I couldn’t imagine that anyone had given her a job, even if it was at the Purina plant, which seemed to permanently reek of death.

She clapped her hands together and my heart twisted. She looked like the Monica who made sure there was food on the table and clean clothes in the closet. It was the Monica who only showed up briefly before Addict Monica took her place.

I could deal with Addict Monica. In fact, I’d gotten quite good at it over the years. Mom of the Year Monica wasn’t as easy to deal with. She made me forget the bad and spun things in such a way that I only saw the positive.

Josué clapped his hands together, distracting me from my thoughts. “So, LoLo and I were going to go shopping for her graduation dress today; maybe grab some sushi downtown. You interested?”

She shook her head. “I really need to get cleaned up—why don’t you two go on ahead.”

Josué looked like he was ready to agree, but I knew her too well. If we left her alone, she’d have the apartment cleaned out and be well on her way to her next high.

“We’ll wait for you,” I offered, before sitting down on the couch.

 

“So then Lauren says, ‘How else am I supposed to become a wishing well if I don’t practice eating money?’ I tell you, this kid gave me some gray hair early on.”

I laughed at the story, even though I couldn’t remember it ever happening. Josué watched both of us intently in between bites of Taco Bell tacos. After sushi, Monica had asked him if he would make her a traditional Mexican meal. In all fairness, she never specified how it was made.

We spent the day at the shops down in Cherry Creek. It didn’t matter how much I protested, Josué was insistent that my dress come from a high-end store. Monica said something that sounded suspiciously like ‘sugar daddy’ and I’d winked at him before dissolving into hysterical giggling.

Despite her misconceptions about our relationship, the three of us had a good time together. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen Monica sober for an entire day. Her body was wracked with tremors, a sign of the damage she’d done by using, but she’d managed to hold herself together in spite of the circumstances.

When we passed by a small jewelry store after getting my dress, Josué ushered us inside. He led me over to one of the glass cases and pointed to a small silver necklace with charms on it. He’d asked, “What do you think of this?” before having the jeweler take it out for me to try on. “Call it an early graduation gift.”

I’d tried arguing that he’d already bought me a dress, but he wasn’t having it. The sterling silver chain held a couple of small turquoise beads. Josué added a cursive L charm and a small silver butterfly. “We can add more later.”

I’d hugged him so tightly that my arms went numb.

I took another bite of my soft taco and slid the beads up and down on the chain, illuminating the charms in the dining room light. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me.

Once we finished eating, we got my mom settled in on the couch before retiring to our rooms. I changed and washed my face before pulling Josué’s laptop out from under the bed.

I eagerly waited for it to boot up, tapping my foot impatiently against the comforter until the background and various icons appeared.

I hurriedly typed in the search bar and American Lonely Hearts popped up. It wasn’t a great name, but I’d done my research and it had the highest match rates around. I’d created a profile for Josué a few nights ago, but hadn’t found the time to log in and check for new messages.

Five New Messages!

I grinned stupidly before clicking the link.

Subject: You and Me

“Hey there, Handsome. I like a strong man. Wanna meet up?”

I clicked the attachment and a large penis filled the screen. I gasped and minimized it again as quickly as possible.

Well, that guy was definitely not in the running.

Jesus, that was going to give me nightmares.

The next three were some variation of the first email, luckily without attachments. It seemed like all these guys wanted was to get laid. Josué needed more than that.

I’d just about given up hope when the title of the fifth email caught my eye.

Subject: I can’t believe I’m doing this

“Hey, I’m sure you’ve gotten hundreds of messages like this. For reasons I still can’t quite fathom, I’ve found myself treading into the murky waters of online dating. I’m not looking for a casual hook-up and from your profile, it sounds like you’re not either. I live in Texas and am hoping to find someone I connect with—no matter which state they might be in. If you’re interested in talking more, email me back.

Isaac

I pulled up his profile and damn near swooned. The guy was perfect—he volunteered with the Boy’s and Girl’s Club, ran marathons, and could play the guitar. My eyes kept drifting closed from fatigue, but the smile was superglued on.

“Lauren, get up.”

I grumbled and opened one eye against the bright morning sun. “Josué, it’s Sunday. Let me sleep in.”

He ran a hand through his wild hair and shook his head. “LoLo, we got problems.”

I sat up and blinked away the last remnants of sleep. “What’s wrong? Are you sick?”

He took my hand and pulled me to my feet, sending the laptop crashing to the floor. He didn’t let go as he drug me out of my room and into the living room.

I stared blankly at him until he began pointing around the room. “It’s all gone, Mija.”

The crystal figurine that rested on the side table was gone, as were the vintage records from the entertainment center. I tried to catalog everything, but my brain was swimming in confusion.

“Did someone break in?” I asked, just as her image popped into my head. “Monica.”

He nodded sadly. “I guess she took everything once we fell asleep. Front door was wide open when I got up.”

I paced the carpet, trying to figure out where she would’ve gone. “She stole from you—oh my god, I’m so sorry! I can try to find her and get your stuff back—”

He pulled me into his chest and interrupted, “I couldn’t care less about this stuff—that’s not why I’m so upset.”

I looked up at him. “What else did she take, Josué?”

He frowned and his lower lip trembled as if he were about to cry. “She took the dress…and your necklace, Mija.”

Just like every time before, Mom of the Year was gone and the Addict was back. Knowing Monica, all our things had already been sold to whoever would get her the next fix.

There was no way we’d ever be able to track her down.