Frustration joined the emotional turmoil swimming through my body. I’d been anxious since I realized what I needed to tell Kaycee, that she needed to know how I felt or I’d never truly be able to look myself in the mirror again. And then I’d been drunk with the exhilaration of being around her again, touching her skin and watching her pupils dilate with pleasure.

But now, with the door slamming shut behind her as she rushed to some late-night meeting with a partner from the firm, I was livid. The only reason I hadn’t let my feelings loose already was because I knew how much her job meant to her. And this was likely the only chance she had to keep working at the firm, if she could win the case.

That didn’t mean I wasn’t angry. Didn’t keep me from cursing her under my breath as I grabbed my drumsticks and sat down at the stool in front of my kit with a huff.

For every moment I’d wanted to kiss Kaycee, I played. For each time I’d seen her glowing from some new accomplishment, had radiated pure bliss and ambition, I played. And for the budding realization within me that I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t admit my love, I slammed my sticks on the snares, pumped the kick pedal to break each second’s silence with more rhythm, more sound.

My drums were an outlet, an exorcism. I worked through solos I had planned for new songs, practiced the things we’d play on tour in a mere few weeks. The time passed in a blur of measures and beats, my skin growing slick with sweat from my exertion.

When I peeled off my shirt and let the air embrace my dripping skin, I inhaled deeply. Drumming was more than just a job to me. This was my meditation. And each note brought me closer to the truth that I wanted Kaycee. I needed her. I loved her. But I wasn’t sure if she would let me in.

That tension kept me practicing far later than I’d meant to, and I heard the door shut and the deadbolt slide into place between songs. I was panting from the energy I’d expended at my kit when Kaycee stepped into the living room, her face warm and eyes bright. Then she took in the sight of me, glowing and shirtless, and I saw the lust take hold of her.

I had to talk to her before I couldn’t help myself.

I had to let her know, because within a few mere seconds I wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to shove her against the wall and let my frustration mix with my longing, to meet her lust and amplify it.

“So it went well?” I asked her, knowing the answer from her expression already.

She nodded.

“Then we need to talk now,” I said. I held the drum sticks to my chest, arms crossed and tightened against me. I couldn’t fall into bed with Kaycee before we figured out what we were doing. If I didn’t do it now, I might never.

“Ok, so what’s up?”

“I’m in love with you, K. I want you, and I want to be with you, maybe never got over you in the first place. And I need to know if you feel anything for me at all.”

Kaycee blinked, reeling from the directness of my question. Her mouth was parted, lips so delicious and plump I had to close my eyes so I wouldn’t dive in to bite at them.

“That’s a hell of a thing to say, Win.”

“Well, it’s true.”

“Wow,” she said, breathing heavily. She stepped back and sank to the couch behind her, moving as if dazed by my brazenness.

“Are you really surprised?” I said, lowering my voice. I couldn’t help the tenderness that seeped into it, even though I was frustrated with her. She should have seen. And yet I knew her, knew the way her work consumed her focus so fully that she probably could have gone the entire day without a shirt on and not realized it.

“I don’t know,” she muttered.

“So…what are we doing, then?”

“I don’t know.”

“C’mon, K, that’s a weak response. You know that you set me on fire, and I see the fire in you, too. I just can’t keep doing this if you don’t want to be with me for real. If you don’t feel the same way, I need to know so that I can try to move on.”

As if that was even possible.

“I care about you,” she said. Her voice had shrunk to the size it was the night Greg broke up with her, vulnerable and tiny like I could shatter her with the next words I spoke.

“As a friend or as more?”

And when she looked at me, those eyes of hers framed with the most impossibly long lashes—beautiful and sultry all at the same time—I knew it was more. I just didn’t know if she knew it, too.

“Obviously as a friend,” she said. My stomach clenched and my throat threatened to close entirely. “Maybe as more.”

Some of the breath caught in me managed to escape. I found the strength to inhale again, and to keep the process going though I felt like I might slip into unconsciousness from the stress.

“I-I’ve been finding it difficult to understand what’s going on, too, Win,” she said. “When you touch me it’s like no one else has ever found those places before, like you know a way of making me …glow. It’s intense.”

“I like it,” I said. An offering as well as a confession.

“It’s incredible,” she said. “But I got back from a meeting with O’Donaghy about the case I’m working on. We’re going to court, and soon. I think we might even win.”

“That’s great, K.”

Her eyes shifted, taking in the sight of my shirtless chest. I could feel the intensity of her gaze on me.

“When I’m around you, I can’t focus,” she said. With a delicate touch, she ran a hand over my shoulder down to my wrist. Then she drew back, as if she’d only just noticed what she was doing.

“And I need to focus now, more than ever,” she said. “Everything depends on it.”

The tightening in my stomach was now more than just stress, it was certainty. Dread.

Rejection.

“No,” I said.

The word came out more forcefully than I meant for it to.

“I won’t let you push me away like that, K,” I said. “That’s the same reason you gave me years ago for breaking up with me, but I know you better now. I know what bullshit it is.”

“Excuse me?” she said. Her skin flushed with frustration.

“You’re brilliant,” I said.

Then I paused, wanting the compliment to sink in before I continued. Kaycee’s eyes were blazing, though, refusing to hear the good because she was arming herself against whatever followed.

“Way smarter than anyone I know, anyone I’ve ever met. So the idea you couldn’t handle a few weeks of a stressful trial as well as being around me, that’s utter nonsense.”

“What, so I’m supposed to tell you I love you too, and we kiss and make up, tell everyone so it’s official, and then I waltz off to court glowing with the thrill of new love?”

Her sarcasm, more than anything, showed me that I was on the right track. Kaycee’s temper flared with special potency when she knew that she was losing.

Lawyers hated losing.

“That’s not fair, Kaycee,” I said. I fought to keep my tone even. At least one of us had to stay calm.

“It’s also not fair to throw your feelings in my face, expecting something in return, when you know how horrible my life has been lately. I’m a total mess.”

Tears started to spill down her face, leaving wet, pink tracks along her skin. She was still so beautiful.

“I don’t expect anything,” I said. I reached out to wipe a tear from her face and though she blinked rapidly, flinching a little, she let me. I could still touch her. There was still a chance I’d get through to her. “I just can’t live a lie anymore. It would be lying to you to pretend I can sleep with you, live with you, and not tell you how I feel. Not let that side of me be true to myself.”

She inhaled, readying herself for another bout of words to fling at me. Ever the legal mastermind, I knew she was concocting arguments, barely absorbing the full weight of my words.

“Kaycee,” I said softly. “You’re not a mess. Not ever. Life’s been throwing its worst at you, but maybe it was what we needed to pull us together again. To make us both realize what we have in each other.”

I leaned in, my hand still on her cheek, and kissed her. Unlike our most recent kisses, this one was slow and soft, infused with the kind of tenderness I hoped would convince her that I meant what I was saying.

She looked up at me when it was done, her feet turned to me, body perched on the edge of the couch so that she was closer to mine. I could see the way her eyes had widened, could sense how she was longing for me even now.

“I can’t, Winston,” she said. “You’re the only constant in my life right now. I need the stability of knowing you’re my friend.”

“I am,” I said. But again, her hands were running along my chest, the lust coursing through her taking precedence over her words. If she wasn’t careful, she’d awaken things in herself that she couldn’t fend off. She’d alight the desire in me that constantly simmered underneath the surface when I was around her. And we’d give in.

I should have put that damn shirt back on.

And yet, I was happy to see that she was still drawn to me. Because if she felt that way even knowing what I’d just told her, then some part of her wasn’t put off by the thought. I didn’t know if I had the confidence to say that we were meant for each other, but I knew that I felt that way. I guess I’d always known it.

“Kaycee, you’re the one,” I said. “And I think we deserve a shot at real happiness here, a shot at seeing what we could be together now that we’re adults, that we know each other better and, maybe more importantly, know ourselves better.”

The tears in Kaycee’s eyes never seemed to stop welling up. It was quite the sight, her already large irises enhanced by the way the light reflected in her tears.

“Winston,” she said. And her voice was tortured, torn between the way she wanted me and whatever it was she’d convinced herself she had to say. To think. Maybe even to feel.

I took her hand, squeezing it gently, and looked into her eyes intently. “Yeah?”

“I can’t,” she said. “I just can’t. If I don’t dedicate myself to this case I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. I need to stay at this job; I’ve worked so hard to get here. And I can’t lose your friendship. If I risked everything, and ended up losing everything, I could never, ever forgive myself.”

Her words strummed a chord deep inside me that made my jaw tighten and my eyes water.

I couldn’t accept it, and yet it was what I had to.

“No,” I whispered, the tears building in my eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she answered.

No amount of apologies could ever mend the way my heart broke then, the hopes of the past weeks having built to a precipice I doubted anyone could match. No one could replace Kaycee in my heart, so perhaps I would never love again.

Maybe I was destined to have one great friendship, wonderful brothers, and a fantastic career. That was already a lot to be blessed with in one go.

Maybe love wasn’t part of the architecture in my life.

No love, except hers.

No desire, except the way my heart burned to be close to her. The way my body sang when she was near.

And Kaycee leaned in close, shaking slightly from the intensity of our conversation, and kissed me. Her lips tasted like the salt of her tears, were plump and tender and agonizing to feel against mine, knowing I would likely never have them again.

I fought the way tears threatened to pour out of me, clenched my fists and engaged every part of my body in resisting the utter, shattering pain of the moment.

She ran her hand along the edge of my jawbone, looking down at me sadly as she stood, still crying, and went to pack a bag.

“I have to leave,” she said.

I didn’t know if she’d be back. Hell, I didn’t know if we’d ever really see each other again. All I knew was that I’d done everything I could to make what I felt clear. Though that was hardly a comfort in the face of the devastation I was now reeling in, it was something.

And I guess something was all I had.