CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Smoke
I WAS SO angry I couldn’t see straight. People talk about a red rage and that was exactly what came down over my vision when I opened the front door to find fucking Justin tearing at Cat’s clothing and pulling her hair.
There’d only been one other time I’d lost control of my temper so completely, and that was when I found Dad kicking Mom, over and over.
I’d shot him then, fucking up my life completely. Just like I’d fucked it up now.
I could feel the inescapable truth of it coiling and twisting inside me, and rage burned like rocket fuel in my bloodstream.
I should never have touched Justin, should never have punched him, but all I’d seen was his hands on my kitten, hurting her the way he always hurt her, and all I’d been able to think was that he had to pay.
She held me now, her arms around my waist, the warmth of her body against my spine, and that was what pushed back the red haze.
Too late, though. Too fucking late.
Justin had me now. He’d press charges, and since Keep wouldn’t want his good relationship with the cops put at risk I’d have to take some jail time. Especially since I’d disobeyed Keep’s direct order and laid a hand on the police chief’s son.
That would leave Cat and Annie unprotected, since there was nothing Keep could do legally to stop Justin from claiming Annie. Illegally he could, but I was betting he wouldn’t want to deepen the shit with the cops that I’d already dumped him in.
Fuck.
I’d lost it for the club and I’d lost it for Cat, too.
I should have known that call from Keep was bullshit. As soon as I got back to the clubhouse he mentioned that the police chief had called through some complaint from a cop about me and he wanted me to explain. Easy enough. I hadn’t even been in the city at the time, and Keep knew that because he was the one who sent me out of it in the first place. I realised in that moment that someone was screwing with me and it could only be one person. Justin. He’d made his father put through that call to get me away from Cat.
I’d headed straight back to her place immediately, riding like a fucking maniac, only to find that asshole with his hands all over what was mine. So I’d hit him and hit him, and now I was completely fucked.
And what made everything worse was that I knew there was only one way to fix this. Only one way to give Cat any chance at all of keeping Annie. Because she wasn’t going to lose her—not because of me.
‘Smoke?’
Cat’s voice was soft, her fingers spreading out over my stomach, making my dick twitch.
‘Are you okay?’
Jesus fucking Christ. I’d ruined her life and all she wanted to know was whether I was okay.
Abruptly I couldn’t bear her touch—not when I knew what I had to do and how badly it would hurt her. So I pulled her arms from around me, making sure I was gentle and not the raging, violent animal I was inside, and stepped away.
‘Smoke?’
I didn’t want to look at her. All it would take for me to lose my nerve would be one glimpse of those big green eyes, so I kept my back to her and turned in the direction of the bedroom, moving towards it.
‘Smoke.’ She sounded sharper now. ‘What’s wrong?’
I stopped, but didn’t turn. ‘I screwed up.’ My voice sounded like I’d just come back from a three-day drunken orgy. ‘I screwed up totally. I’m sorry.’
‘You mean the assault charges? You were protecting me. I’m a witness. I’ll tell them that he was going to—’
‘It doesn’t matter what you say.’
I stared hard at the bedroom door, my knuckles throbbing from where I’d punched that cocksucker in the face.
‘It doesn’t matter what he did. No one’s going to give you custody of Annie while you have a violent biker for a boyfriend.’
My chest hurt—a deep ache, like I’d been stabbed with a rusty knife.
‘No.’
She said it like the word was all she needed to make it true and her hand was there again, settling between my shoulder blades, warm as the sun on a summer’s day ride.
‘We have the club. That’s why I became your old lady to start with, right? They’ll help us.’
‘Yeah, I’ve fucked it up with the club, too.’
I could feel blood on my knuckles, could feel it drip down over my skin. A reminder of my past...of who I was. The ache in my chest deepened.
‘Keep was real clear that I couldn’t touch Justin because we had to stay sweet with the police. He won’t be happy if that asshole presses charges and it makes it difficult for him.’
‘But once you explain—’
‘Explanations won’t matter. All I can do is take responsibility for it and accept the consequences.’
Cat’s hand was gone from my back and suddenly she was standing in front of me, her dark brows drawn down, her eyes full of worry. Then I noticed the tears in her blouse and the red marks on her skin from where that bastard had touched her. All the rage came flooding back.
‘He hurt you.’ My voice was guttural, making me sound like the fucking rabid animal I was.
‘No, he didn’t. I hurt him, in actual fact.’
‘Your shirt...’
I reached out to touch the delicate material, fighting to keep myself together with the pressure of my fury crushing all the sense out of me. I wanted to put my hands on her, cover the marks Justin had left on her with my own. Reclaim her as mine as thoroughly and completely as possible.
Cat’s attention dipped to my hand and she let out a soft breath. ‘Oh. You’re bleeding.’ She reached for me.
No. Jesus. I couldn’t have her touching me. Not now.
I lowered my hand and stepped back.
Her eyes widened. ‘Smoke?’
It felt like that rusty knife was cutting a hole in my chest, peeling back my skin, pulling my ribs apart. I had to do this and do it fast.
‘I can’t stay.’ Pain bled into my voice, no matter how hard I tried to stop it. ‘I can’t be with you any more. Not if you want to keep Annie.’
She blinked. ‘What do you mean, you can’t be with me any more?’
‘I mean if the courts see you with me you’re screwed. You’re going to lose Annie. And the club won’t save you—not now I’ve fucked with Justin. Keep needs his relationship with the cops and he won’t want to put that at risk if Justin has me up on assault charges. I’ll have to take the rap for it. I’ll have to go down.’
‘You mean jail? No, don’t be stupid. You’re not going anywhere—let alone to prison. There are plenty of other ways we can—’
‘There are no other ways.’ I cut her off harshly. ‘You’ll never get to keep Annie if I don’t go.’
‘But when you say you’ll go, how long are you talking about? Just until this is over, right?’
That knife in my chest had turned into an animal, clawing at my guts, tearing me to shreds inside. I’d nearly killed a man in her hallway—would have killed him if she hadn’t been there to stop me—and I was dripping blood all over her carpet.
Now she might lose her daughter because of me.
Now she might lose everything because of me.
She’d been right not to wear my ring. Right to take it off and put it back in that box. Right not to give me what I wanted. Right to be afraid.
I was dangerous. I hurt people. I killed people. And one of these days, no matter how hard I’d try not to, I’d hurt her. Shit, I already had. I changed our friendship, forced her to be my old lady. She hadn’t wanted any of that and yet I’d insisted.
What kind of man did that to a friend?
You know the answer to that, motherfucker.
‘No, Cat.’ I had make myself say the words. ‘When I say I have to go, I mean I have to leave you. For good.’
She paled. ‘What?’
‘I can’t be with you any more. It’s better for you and it’s better for Annie if I’m not in your lives. I’ll take a jail term for the club if I have to, but I’m not having you or Annie connected to that. Not if it means you losing her.’
Her mouth had dropped open and she was staring at me like I’d turned into a stranger. ‘You can’t mean that.’
I held her gaze, letting her see the truth. ‘I mean every fucking word.’
Green sparks of anger leapt in her eyes. ‘No,’ she repeated. ‘You’re not going to jail just because you were protecting me. And you’re not leaving me. Just no.’
Of course she was being stubborn. Of course she was going to make this even harder than it was already.
‘You didn’t want this anyway, remember?’ I couldn’t help pointing that out. ‘You wanted some time to think about it.’
Those green sparks leapt higher, her chin lifting in challenge. ‘I know what I said. But what if I was wrong? What if I do want it after all?’
Oh, Jesus Christ. Please don’t say she’d changed her mind. I couldn’t deal with that—I just couldn’t.
‘Well, it’s too late now,’ I said harshly. ‘This is the way it has to be.’
Not waiting for her to respond, I sidestepped her and headed into the bedroom.
I didn’t want to have this discussion. Not with her standing there with that look in her eyes. Anger and, beneath it, pain. Not when everything I said would only make her angrier, cause her more hurt.
It was better I just go. Make the moment quick, like ripping off a Band-Aid.
In the bedroom I grabbed my duffel bag, then went to the dresser where Cat had cleared out a couple of drawers for me, taking out my clothes and stuffing them in the bag.
‘You bastard.’
Cat’s voice came from behind me, low and shaking.
‘You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to change our friendship, make me want you, tell me you’ll never leave me and then walk away.’
Each word hit like a bullet, opening up a thousand holes inside me, their edges jagged and ripped, my entire fucking soul pouring out through them like blood from a fatal wound.
‘It’s better this way.’
I kept my teeth clenched against the agony, balling up a T-shirt and shoving it into the bag.
‘Better for who? For me and Annie? Or for you?’
The raw note in her voice hooked into the anger that was already boiling away inside me, making it sizzle like water on a hot exhaust pipe.
I turned around sharply.
She was behind me, her expression furious, her green eyes bright with hurt.
‘You really want a man like me?’ I demanded, unable to shut the fuck up. ‘I’d have killed that fucker if you hadn’t been here. I’d have beaten him to death for touching you.’
I took a step towards her, wanting to intimidate her so she’d back off.
‘Is that the kind of man you want in your life? The kind of man you want around your daughter?’
Strangely, the look in her eyes softened, as if she could see something in me that I couldn’t.
‘This isn’t about Annie and me, though, is it?’
I stiffened as she took a step forward, apparently not giving a shit that I was enraged and in pain and ready to smash something into oblivion.
She lifted a hand to touch my face. ‘This is about you losing it with Justin. About your dad.’
Her gaze was sharp, opening me up, and I grabbed her wrist to stop her from touching me before I could think better of it.
‘No.’ I tried to ignore the warmth of her skin and the race of her pulse beneath my fingers. ‘That shit’s got nothing to do with this.’
I was lying, though, and we both knew it.
I’d killed my Dad and that ghost wouldn’t ever fucking die.
Cat didn’t move. ‘You know what I thought back then, and that hasn’t changed. You shot your dad because you were trying to protect your mom. And you beat the hell out of Justin because you were trying to protect me. You’re a protector. That’s the kind of man you are, Smoke. That’s the kind of man you’ve always been. I thought you knew that.’ She took another step closer. ‘Being near Annie and me hasn’t bothered you before. So what’s changed? Is it Justin? Is it me?’
She was so close I could smell her familiar scent. It was getting me hard. The tear in her blouse didn’t help either, revealing the curves of her delicious tits.
Fuck, I wanted her so badly.
My grip tightened on her wrist and I felt her pulse begin to accelerate.
What had changed? I had. And she was the one who’d changed me. Being a friend was easy—there was a distance in that. But being more than a friend was different, and I hadn’t realised ’til now what that meant.
Justin had not only shown me the truth of what I felt for her, he’d also shown me the truth of what I was inside. I was violent. Possessive. Territorial. I wanted to make Cat mine in every way, and the thought of her even touching another man filled me with murderous rage.
She didn’t deserve that. Annie didn’t deserve it either. Cat needed a man who wasn’t controlling or jealous or demanding. And Annie needed a father figure who wouldn’t lose his temper and beat to death some asshole simply for touching his woman.
‘It doesn’t matter what’s changed.’ I stared down into her beautiful eyes. ‘Fact remains that me leaving is better for Annie, and that’s who you should be thinking about right now.’
An intense expression flickered across her face. ‘That’s not true. You leaving is not better.’
She put her free hand on my chest, the warmth of her touch seeping through my T-shirt, making me so fucking aware of exactly how far away she was from me and how much I wanted to close that distance. Making the pain that was ripping me apart even worse.
‘And what’s good for us is you staying here. Because you’re good for me, and what’s good for me is good for Annie—can’t you see that?’
I wanted to see it. I really did. But I couldn’t. Not when I’d never been good for anyone in my entire fucking life.
Unable to resist the urge to touch her, I let go her wrist and took her face between my hands, cupping her jaw. ‘I’ve made my decision. I’m sorry, kitten. This is how it is.’
Her mouth tightened, fury glowing in her eyes. ‘No,’ she said. ‘No.’
And before I could avoid her she rose up onto her toes and pressed her lips to mine. Kissing me.
I struggled not to respond. Every muscle in my body was tight with the need to grab her, push her down on the floor. Bury my aching cock in her tight little pussy, make all the pain and the rage disappear.
But that would only make things worse.
And yet Cat was obviously hell-bent on making this as hard for me as possible, because when I didn’t respond she pushed her tongue into my mouth, tasting me, kissing me as demandingly and as desperately as I’d ever kissed her.
It was the hottest fucking thing I’d ever experienced.
She’d never been aggressive like this with me before, never been this hungry. Like she was suffocating and the only way to breathe was to put her mouth on mine.
My dick was like iron in my jeans, and I knew if I didn’t put a stop to this now I wouldn’t be able to. And then walking away from her would be next to impossible.
So I buried one hand in her hair and fisted it, trying to pull her head back. She resisted, making me pull harder, which had to hurt her, yet she didn’t make a sound when I finally managed to yank her away. Her eyes were huge and dark and full of rage, and I felt like my chest was made of nothing but broken glass.
‘You can’t leave,’ she said furiously, before I could get in a word. ‘I won’t let you.’
Her hands reached down as she spoke, sliding over the front of my jeans, cupping my aching dick through the denim.
‘I’ve changed my life for you and you don’t get to walk away like that doesn’t mean a goddamn thing.’
‘Don’t.’
I twisted her hair in my grip, some part of me wanting to hurt her for making this so difficult. For making this as painful as it was possible to get.
‘Let me go, Cat. Just fucking let me go.’
Tears started in her eyes, but she ignored me, squeezing me instead.
And something in my head exploded.
I was angry, hard, and hurting like a bastard. Violence was humming in my blood. And she was so close, touching me, messing with my head, and all I could think about was showing her how wrong she was.
Showing her that it would be better for all of us if I wasn’t in her life.
If she really wanted to know what kind of man I was, she was going to find out.
Right now.