CHAPTER 10
Nolan met Teren at her office later that afternoon. She looked pale and withdrawn and he sensed how upset she was about the situation. He wandered in, hands in his pockets.
“It’s five in the afternoon,” he greeted her. “I thought I’d walk you home.” She lifted her head and looked up toward him, and he instantly saw relief in her eyes. Teren was the kind of person who couldn’t hide her feelings if she wanted to. She was so readable. He took his hands out of his pockets and saw the stack of files had dwindled since the last time he’d been in here.
“Thanks,” she murmured. “I’ll be ready in just a moment.”
She was struggling to act like nothing had happened. Nolan got that. It was a standard defense most people would employ against shocking news. For Teren to look at the true nature of the threat against her would probably be overwhelming.
Nolan would have done the same thing. He compartmentalized himself all the time. But it didn’t seem as if Teren was very adroit about it because she was still clearly shaken.
Leaning his hip against her desk, he said, “I took the bull by the horns and tried my hand at making us dinner tonight.”
Her heart swelled with so many wonderful feelings as he caught and held her gaze. “That’s so sweet.” She made a few last keystrokes and the computer powered down. “What are we having?”
“Something light,” he murmured, assessing her. “I know most people don’t eat much when they’re upset.” He saw damp spots on her tee. She’d been crying. Probably closed the door and bawled her eyes out. Why was Teren trying to handle something so overwhelming as this by herself? Nolan knew she had friends here at Kitra she could confide in and ask for help and support, so why hadn’t she?
“I’m one of those people for sure,” she said, rising. “I’ve been accused of having what is called a ‘sensitive stomach.’” Double-checking all the equipment and making sure it was shut down, she picked up her white straw purse, slinging it over her shoulder. “Are you a decent cook, Nolan?”
He felt her trying to shift, to pretend everything was normal. He played along, having no desire to make her suffer any more than she already had. “I went over and saw Nafeesa. I asked her what would be a good meal for you, because you weren’t feeling very well. She gave me some things to put together for you tonight.”
“That’s so sweet of Nafeesa. And you, too. Thank you.” She grimaced as she came around the desk. “Now everyone will gossip about me not feeling good. They’ll all worry.”
He cupped her elbow and liked that she moved into him, their bodies almost touching. “No one can know what’s really going on. We’ll inform all the department heads tomorrow at nine,” he assured her. “Otherwise, it remains top secret for now.”
“There’s no sense in scaring everyone to death around here, Nolan.” Teren turned and shut her door, locking it with a key. “See? I do lock some doors.” She forced a slight smile. A corner of his mouth lifted, and she melted beneath the caring look he gave her. “I’m trying,” she growled defensively.
“You’re doing fine, sweetheart.”
The endearment nearly brought new tears to her eyes—tears of gratitude and hope. Once again, Nolan had made her feel warm inside, thawing that icy fear that had held her in its grip since her talk with him and Ayman earlier in the day. Now he guided her down the hall toward a door that would take them out into the courtyard. How did he know she loved to walk down that lush green grass beneath the shade of the trees? Sometimes, Teren wondered if the man read her mind. For someone she’d just met, he seemed very attuned to her needs without her saying anything.
Everyone was leaving work, walking back to their duplexes for the evening. The sky was a light, bright blue, the heat of the day, in the high nineties, unbroken. The breeze was hot against Teren’s face. She remained close to Nolan because he gave her the care she so desperately sought right now. The gates were closed in the distance and she could see the mirages dancing across the flat grasslands outside of them. Her mind wouldn’t remain still, leaping over so many conversations, those photos, and the past coming sharply back in focus, staring at her once more.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Nolan asked, looking down at her set features. He was coming to realize that when Teren was upset, her brow furrowed, and she’d sometimes chew on her lower lip. “Or,” he added drily, “maybe a dollar or two?” That brought out a vague half smile from Teren. A hint of pink tinged her cheeks and he realized he’d reached her. It felt good to know he could influence her. A woman didn’t blush unless she cared about the man she was with. His fingers lightly caressed her elbow, and he saw her frown begin to soften. She was extraordinarily sensitive; just the brush of his fingers, a light stroking motion reassured her. Knowing this warmed him more than she could have imagined.
“You’ll need a thousand-dollar bill,” she murmured, lifting her chin, meeting his eyes, and feeling the ice inside her begin to melt. Right now, Nolan didn’t have on his game face, nor did he try to hide the pleasure she saw burning in his eyes for her. No question, there was something strong and good between them. Teren hesitated to give any more of herself to Nolan because her choice in men had been so awful. Farida told her not to worry about it, that she had to go through a lot of bad boys to attract a real man to her. A man like her husband, Ameer. In many respects, Teren saw how much the Sudanese man was like Nolan. And vice versa. It was as if they had been cast from the same mold. But maybe the military molded all men that way.
“Okay, I can afford ten dollars,” he said, pulling his wallet out of his back pocket. He released her elbow as they wandered slowly down the shady courtyard. Pulling out a ten, he placed it in her hand. “There.”
A chuckle escaped her. “No…take it back. I was just kidding, Nolan.”
“Keep it. Give it to your favorite child on the playground. He or she will take it home to Mom and she’ll think that Allah blessed her. A U.S. ten-dollar bill equates to fifty-five Sudanese pounds. In this country, for someone who’s poor, that’s half a year’s pay.”
Teren folded the bill and tucked it into her jeans pocket. “You’re right. Thank you.” She smiled up at him. And then something unexpected, something wonderful, happened.
“Come here,” he rasped against her hair, sliding his arm around her shoulders, drawing her beneath his arm. “You look like you want to be held for a little while. Am I right?”
She slowed, savoring his arm sliding across her shoulders, hand on her upper arm, barely tugging her toward him; he didn’t assume she wanted him. Teren realized it was a way of asking if she would accept his embrace or not. She did, and melted against him, their steps and stride the same. “How did you know?” she asked hoarsely, pressing her cheek briefly against his shoulder.
“You’d never make it as an undercover agent, Teren. Your every emotion is written across your face and in your eyes.” Meeting her upturned gaze, Nolan was drawn to kiss her, but he didn’t. They were out in public and this was enough of a personal gesture on his part toward her. He knew it would be seen by those nearby and he was sure it would fire the gossip at the dinner tables tonight with the staff. They all loved Teren. They wanted only the best for her. And so did Nolan. He was taking one hell of a risk by being this intimate with her so soon.
“I always got accused of being like that at home, too. My family could read me like an open book,” she admitted sourly, surrendering to his strong, tall body, absorbing his protection, other feelings awakening in her, chasing away the rest of her shock and fear.
“Don’t ever change,” he told her, his voice suddenly thick with emotion. “I like you just the way you are, Teren.”
“You’re the only one, then. I mean”—she opened her hand—“my family thinks that I’m a wimp and weak. I’m the youngest of four kids, with three older brothers.”
He snorted. “Well, there you go. You didn’t stand a chance.”
She grinned a little, the darkness that surrounded her beginning to lift. Nolan led her up to the round concrete fountain that spewed water six feet into the air. He halted in front of it and turned Teren so that she was facing him.
Teren laid her hands on his lower arms, studying Nolan’s serious face beneath her sable lashes. He was strong where she was presently weak. She’d been stunned by the information he and Ayman had shared with her. Teren could feel him adjusting, shifting to read her, to fulfill her demands right now even though she hadn’t asked anything from him. His large hands slid in a caressing gesture across her shoulders, making her skin leap and tingle wildly. That heated sensation raced down through her, and she savored the feelings of being a woman desired by this man. Instinctively, she wondered if Nolan would be a good lover, a man who shared, who didn’t just take and then get up and walk away, leaving her aching and wanting. Teren’s choices in men had always left her unfulfilled and feeling as if she had missed something in the connection.
“Right now,” he told her in a low, gritty tone, “you need a little pampering and care, Teren. I want to be the man who gives it to you, but you need to let me know just how far it goes. Or if you want it at all. Tell me what you need because I don’t want to overstep my bounds with you. You’ve been hit broadside with some serious news. This is not me, the operator, talking to his PSD. It’s me, the man, talking to you as a woman I care about.”
Nolan knew he was taking a huge risk with Teren. She was already overwhelmed and he was stepping in to push a personal boundary with her. It wasn’t fair, but he couldn’t read minds, either. And she wasn’t one to be forthcoming unless he coaxed her into talking with him.
In many ways, Teren was just like him. Nolan knew why he acted the way he did. As an operator, it was necessary. But Teren wasn’t one. So what the hell kind of family made her react this way? Most women opened up without being asked. Women were able to easily speak of what they thought and felt with a man—but not Teren.
Nolan hung on to his patience about Teren’s unknown past. He’d gone through her file once again, looking for clues. Frustrated, he’d found nothing that could explain why she was so defensive about sharing herself in ways most women found easy. Searching her stormy eyes, he saw that she felt torn by his request. He’d gone far enough with intimacy with her already and had no desire to crowd her. But damn it, he could feel how much she was hurting, how much Kitra meant to her. This was her world. This was what she loved to do.
And now the life she’d known for years was getting ripped out from beneath her. It was changing by the minute and it wasn’t giving Teren a breather to absorb it all. It was a lot for anyone to take in, much less someone as sensitive as she was. She was strong in many ways, but in other ways, Nolan saw deep wounding in her. He didn’t want this woman hurt any more than necessary.
“It’s funny, Nolan,” she whispered, moving her hands up and down his forearms. “After everything I was told today, I went back to my office. I was wishing I could just crawl into your arms and be held.” Her lips pursed and she looked away for a moment, trying to find the right words, because the concern burning in his eyes told her so much. She lifted her lashes, holding his narrowed gaze. “I’m not very good at choosing a man to be in my life. Farida and Hadii will confirm that I’m an abysmal failure. I’m torn about you. I want to run to you, but I’m afraid.”
There, the truth was out. She saw his tight mouth relax a little, his caresses continuing along her shoulders, sending soothing sensations throughout her.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Teren,” he began, his voice low. “You’re reeling right now. Anyone would be under these circumstances. I do care about you. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I was hired to protect you, and you were going to be just another PSD I was assigned to guard.” His voice changed; his hands stilled on her shoulders. “But you’re becoming much more than that to me. I didn’t walk in here expecting to be personally interested in you, but I am.” Fear ratcheted up inside him, but he pushed through it, because for the first time Teren was lowering those walls she hid behind so well; and he needed to come clean with her too.
“I never meant for this to happen, Teren, but it has. I realize we’re in a dynamic situation, and protecting you will always be my first order of business. It hurts me to see you suffer. I find myself wanting to do something to help you, to give you a little island of peace in this storm cycle we’re caught up in. I want to be there for you in whatever capacity you define. I won’t make a pass at you. I won’t place you in an uncomfortable situation with me. But because I can’t read your mind, I need to hear it from you first.”
Swallowing, she felt warmth flowing through her, lessening her fears. “I’m not very good at talking intimately to a man, I guess.”
His mouth crooked. “Well, with three big brothers probably hovering around you, keeping you safe from the big, bad world of boys growing up, it’s no wonder.”
She smiled faintly and nodded. “They were very protective of me. Too much so. And yes, they really made my growing up years very different from what most girls might experience without three guard dogs lording over them.”
Nolan saw her wry look, the soft corners of her mouth lifting a little. “Were you able to have a boyfriend? Go to dances?” he teased.
“When I’d go to a dance, which wasn’t often, my brothers were right there, and they threatened any boy who showed the least amount of interest in me. They chased them off.”
“You didn’t really have breathing room to find out about boys then?”
She shook her head. “No. Farida and Hadii told me a long time ago that my socialization skills, as they referred to it, got stunted early.” She gave Nolan an embarrassed look. “They said that because of my background, I wasn’t able to know a good man from a bad one. And they’re right, because my personal relationships from the time I was eighteen and left for college have been exactly like that, Nolan. I don’t trust myself with men anymore. I consistently make bad choices. That’s why I’m so hesitant with you.”
Nolan kept his expression bland. Teren had been guarded by her three brothers and it had made it impossible for her to learn, grow, and make normal mistakes through relationships. “I see. There’s no way for me to overcome that with you, Teren. All I can do is be honest with you, ask you a lot of questions, talk with you, and try to gain your trust.”
“And this is coming at the very worst of times, Nolan.” She lifted her hand, pushing strands away from her brow. “I wasn’t looking for a possible relationship.”
“Neither was I,” he admitted wryly. “But I get it.” He held her unsure stare. He could feel Teren wanting what he was offering her and at least now he knew why she was so hesitant. Her personal life had been an ongoing disaster, thanks to her helicopter brothers and parents smothering her attempts to grow up and mature, following her every move through high school, where kids just naturally grew, made mistakes, and learned from them. Teren hadn’t been given that opportunity. Nolan suspected her parents were probably even more protective than her brothers. They hadn’t gotten that way without parental molding, either.
“I’m drawn to you,” she said quietly. “You do make me feel safe, Nolan. Oh, I know it’s your job and you do it well, but this goes beyond that. From the moment I met you at the airport, I felt…well…this wonderful sensation. It made me feel so secure and safe.” She frowned, searching his eyes. “And it came from you. I know it did. And you didn’t even know me, but from the moment our eyes met, I felt this warm blanket of protection wrap around me. There’s no other way to describe it.”
Nodding, he felt her confusion. “I don’t think you realize just how beautiful you are, Teren. When I saw you standing in that airport in your white tob, you looked like a flower among hundreds of men rushing back and forth. You have no idea how fresh, how pretty and desirable, you were to me.”
“Was that why I had that feeling then, Nolan? That warmth wrapping around me?”
“I guess so. I mean, I didn’t consciously know it happened, Teren. But from the moment I laid eyes on you, I felt this incredible connection with you.”
“Does it always happen to you?”
Shaking his head, he muttered, “No, it’s never happened before. Not like this.”
“I like it. It helps me feel better, Nolan. Honestly, I feel like someone just threw me over a cliff and I’m in free fall.” Her voice broke. “I’m not very tough in some ways. In others, I am. I’m super-sensitive about everything. I don’t take emotional blows very well. And you walking into my life right now feels like an oasis in a desert with a dust storm approaching. You make me feel safe, whether you know it or not.”
“That’s all good,” Nolan rasped, forcing himself to keep his hands where they were. He felt his heart opening wide to Teren, felt the need to do so much more for her, but she had to define those boundaries for him. “Look, you have another decision to make here. A security contractor isn’t supposed to get personal with the person he’s guarding. And I have. You need to know you can ask for me to be replaced. I can call Wyatt and ask for another contractor to guard you. If I make you feel threatened or uncomfortable in any way—you will have to replace me.”
“No! You do just the opposite for me, Nolan. I don’t want another bodyguard—ever.”
“Tell me what makes you feel comfortable around me, then. How can I help you, Teren? And be specific.” Her eyes widened, the black pupils enlarging. Groaning inwardly as her lips parted, all Nolan wanted to do was pick her up in his arms, carry her to his duplex, and love her. But that was sexual, not necessarily the emotions Teren needed. He doubted she felt any sexual hunger, given what she’d been told a while ago. She was in shock—she wasn’t in heat.
“I like the idea of having dinner with you,” she began hesitantly. “And keeping the door open between our duplexes. I like you touching me like this. I’m starving for that connection from you, because when you touch me, it makes me feel better, more stable. My world has blown up on me, Nolan. I’m just a civilian. I’m not military or trained in that way. I’m committed to this place, heart and soul. I don’t dream of anything else, because I’m fulfilling my dream every day here at Kitra. I love what I do and I know I make a difference.”
“You are a very necessary part of why Kitra is so successful, Teren,” he agreed. Nolan was relieved that she wasn’t leaning into him, that their hips weren’t fused with one another.
She was gun-shy and with good reason, now that he understood some of her past. Still, Nolan knew they felt a mutual intimacy, which was a good start. If he told Teren his dreams of them together, it would probably shock the hell out of her, and she’d already had her fair share of shocks today. He didn’t need to add to them. Instead, Nolan would keep how he felt about Teren his secret. They had this mess with Uzan to get past first. Everything between them was tentative. Nothing was written in stone.
Teren was right: she was in free fall. All he could do was fall with her. Nolan couldn’t stop Uzan from stalking her. All he could do was be there to protect her if the soldier made an attempt to take her life or kidnap her.
“We’ve met at a very awkward time, Nolan.”
“Yeah, that’s occurred to me more than once.”
She smiled a little, moving her fingers up and down the sleeve of his light cotton safari jacket. “Farida and Hadii think you’re a good man. That you’re right for me.”
He cocked his head, surprised. “What do you think? That’s more important to me, Teren.”
“I feel drawn to you but I keep resisting it because of my less-than-glorious past.”
“Have you ever been drawn to a man like this before?”
Shaking her head, Teren said, “No. Not ever. It’s new to be powerfully attracted to a man.” And then she searched his eyes, which were a deeper blue, seeing the yearning for her in them. “You’re different from the rest of them. And I know you were sent here to do a job. It really wasn’t about us on a personal basis. This is all so crazy.”
“Then,” he offered, releasing her, urging her to walk beside him, “let’s take this an hour, a day, at a time. Whatever is there, if it’s real, Teren, it will naturally unfold between us. And right now, your life is on the line, so my first priority is keeping you safe, not courting you, as much as I’d like to.”
She met his very male look, saw the truth in his eyes. “I can’t see beyond what’s happening right now,” she admitted. “But it’s lovely to have you here and I’m actually beginning to trust you.”
Those were the words he needed to hear more than any other. Smiling, he walked at her side, their hands sometimes brushing against one another. “And that’s the most important thing we can share between us right now, Teren. If you trust me, it can mean the difference between you living and dying. I don’t mean to put it so dramatically, but it’s the cold, hard truth. If I tell you to run a certain way or drop to the ground, you need to trust me and instantly do what I ask.”
“I will,” she whispered. They walked from beneath the shade, back into the late afternoon sunlight still stretching across the grasslands that surrounded Kitra. “I’d be too frightened not to.”
“You will be. It’s a natural reaction. But you need to move beyond that fear and listen to what I’m telling you to do. If you can do that”—Nolan gazed down into those incredible dove-gray eyes of hers, now filled with less anxiety—“then you’ll live.”
“I still feel like I’m in some weird other dimension, Nolan.”
“I know you do.”
“And sometimes I wonder if you’re real.”
He grinned a little. “Oh, I’m very real, all right.”
“I’m glad Wyatt assigned you to protect me. I don’t want you replaced. Promise me you’ll stay?”
“I’ll stay,” he growled, giving her a heated look, wanting her to realize that she was a helluva lot more to him than just his PSD. Teren seemed at peace now, walking close to him. Nolan knew that as good as Ayman and his well-trained soldiers were, Kitra was not impregnable. The right terrorist with the right experience and training could easily come over the red wall that enclosed Kitra. He would become a stealthy hyena loose among unsuspecting prey.
The air was alive with the smell of spices and food cooking. He heard children shrieking with laughter now and then. All the families of Kitra were preparing dinner. Nolan knew from being in Sudan that food wasn’t a guaranteed thing for any tribe or village. The women survivors who lived here with their children must have thought that Kitra was a dream come true. To have enough food to fill a belly daily in this country was not normal. And in western Sudan, where he’d operated most of the time, Nolan had seen starvation daily. It was gut-wrenching, but at least the Delos charities were doing something to ease this terrible situation. It was a drop in the bucket, he realized, because thousands died yearly from lack of food. This was a harsh third-world country that took no prisoners, and starving people were always desperate to survive. That was why he would always be fully alert, even within the walls of Kitra. Starvation made companions of people like Uzan who prowled among them with money to assure them that they wouldn’t die.
And more than anything, Nolan wanted this woman to survive this plot and coming attack. He knew the odds weren’t good and they were stacked against Teren. He knew it because he’d performed too many PSDs over the years as a Delta Force operator. There was no way he was going to tell Teren any of the possible outcomes. He’d just started gaining her trust. That was a huge step forward for them to be a good, working team. And maybe his ability to reach out personally, man to woman, had fused that bridge between them. Nolan wouldn’t allow himself to dream of a future with Teren. He was too much of a pragmatist in this dark world he worked within. She just had to survive this. And so did he. Then a life with Teren would look a lot more possible than it did today.