CHAPTER 15
Nolan made a growling sound of pleasure as he saw how perfectly formed her breasts were. He could see the faint throb of her heart on the left side of her chest and ravished one of those hardened rosy peaks. Teren’s fingers dug into his arms as he leaned down to taste the first nipple. Her cries overcame his caution and hardened him to the point of pain. You are mine, Nolan silently promised her as his mind began to disintegrate in the scalding heat of her twisting hips, which were begging for more of what he was giving her. He wanted to love her until he fused her body, heart, and soul to him.
Teren started to protest that she should be a full partner in their lovemaking, but Nolan shook his head, giving her a heated look. “You’ve had so much taken from you this week, Teren. Let me give you something that’s positive in return. Just this once?”
The man had a way with words, she decided. But that didn’t mean Teren was going to lie there and be passive—that wasn’t in her nature. Nolan must have seen that challenging glint in her eye. “Just this once,” she whispered.
“I like the wild woman you hide inside yourself, sweetheart. And I’m more than happy to see her come out and spread her wings with me.”
By now, she was naked and so was he, their clothes in a heap on the tile floor near the bed. Nolan’s eyes swept her from her head to her delicate toes, with a blend of lust and tenderness. He lightly moved his hand from her shoulder, gliding across her arm, and picked up her fingers and kissed each one of them.
At that point, Teren lost all arguments about sharing this session. She knew she wasn’t the most experienced or skilled woman at loving a man, but what she knew she intended to share with Nolan. And as he knelt at her feet, opening her legs just enough to place his knees between them, she closed her eyes in anticipation. His fingers were long, teasing, and gentle as he caressed the outsides of her ankles and calves, moving his index fingers beneath each of her knees. A fiery bolt of pleasure raced up through her and directly into her wet, throbbing channel. Already, Teren could feel the hot juices spilling out of her body, coating the insides of her thighs.
There was magic in Nolan’s exploring hands as he moved away from those erotic spots behind each of her knees and slid his fingers upward as if imprinting every inch of her into his mind and heart. He cupped each of her long, curved upper limbs and growled her name. His voice was low and alerted every nerve that he was going to take her. Teren had no idea what her body was doing at this point, lost in wave after wave of delicious heat from his caresses. He slid his hands beneath her upper legs and opened her even more. She was grateful for his slow, steady approach, because she didn’t know what to expect next. Or what he expected from her. Resting her hands on his lower arms as he widened her, she saw his eyes become hooded and fiercely intense. She held his gaze, her heart pounding, the throb increasing at her aching gate.
*
Nolan eased his hands from beneath her firm, strong thighs and blanketed her with his body. She was so slender and rounded beneath him as he leaned over, taking her lips, cherishing her. Teren responded instantly, her fingers curving around his shoulders, wanting to pull him down upon her. Already, as he worshipped her soft, opening mouth, wet with so much promise, he could smell her sex scent, and it flowed like a hungry, awakening river through him.
Nolan wanted to rush but knew better. She hadn’t had sex in two years, which was like being a virgin all over again. More than anything, he wanted Teren so wet that she would dampen the blanket beneath her. He wanted her ripe, needing him as urgently as he needed her.
When he left her lips, Teren’s fingers dug into his shoulders, her hips mercilessly rubbing against his thick erection. Nolan gritted his teeth to control himself. Yeah, she was a wild one, all right, so natural and uninhibited with him. That was a gift too, and Nolan recognized it as just another wonderful facet of Teren. He appreciated the restless strength of her body matching, stroking, and teasing his.
Nolan rose up, seeking and finding one of her taut nipples, pulling it strongly into his mouth, suckling her without mercy. She came apart on him, her long legs threading between his, capturing him, holding his hips in place so she could arch against his erection. The move exploded his mind and he thrust slowly into her, feeling just how damned tight she really was. But she was wet. Her juices were warm and thickly coating him the moment he made a few short, rhythmic pulses inside her.
Nolan wasn’t prepared for the orgasm that he triggered in her as he lavished that swollen pearl at her entrance with only a few strokes. He’d done so little to tease one out of her, and yet her hoarse shout of surprise, her back arching against him, her fingers tight against his shoulders, told him it was one hell of an orgasm. And he was going to prolong it for her, easing more deeply into her, his strokes longer, more powerful, drowning in the beauty of her sobs and cries. For someone as slender and graceful as she was, Teren was damned strong, clutching him, but he twisted and moved his hips with controlled strength, feeling her juices pour around him, lubricating her so that he could continue to cradle her within the rapture he saw in her features.
Teren lay panting and gasping beneath him as the orgasm finally began to subside. It made Nolan feel good to see that rosy flush blossom across her upper body, flood her features, her eyes dazed with satiation as she lay limp beneath him.
He stilled himself, giving her the time she needed to allow her shattering orgasm to continue giving her ripples of heat that massaged her lower body. The ecstasy shining in her eyes made him smile.
“That good, huh?” he teased, keeping most of his weight off her except where they were joined.
“Oh…” she managed to say. “What on earth happened?”
Taken aback, Nolan grinned. “Really? Tell me you’ve had orgasms before…”
Rolling her head weakly from side to side, Teren couldn’t even lift her hand, she felt so exhausted by the experience. “Is that what it was?” She licked her lips, feeling the currents of electricity continuing to throb and crackle deep within her. She felt awash with excruciating pleasure she’d never felt before.
Nolan moved his hand slowly up Teren’s arm, feeling the dampness of her flesh, shocked by her reply but hiding his reaction. He wasn’t going to humiliate her by saying something stupid like, “I thought all women knew what an orgasm felt like.” That wasn’t true. It’s just that the women he’d bedded knew the score, wanted to be pleased as much as he did, so it was mutual and satisfying as partners to know what was expected from one another.
He studied her, soft strands stuck to her brow, absorbing this special moment of discovery with her. Pride rose within him; he knew he’d introduced her to a realm of incredible satisfaction. His lips twitched as she closed her eyes, and she made a pleased sound in her throat, a careless smile floating across her well-kissed lips.
At that moment, his heart opened wide to Teren. This was where he could introduce her to a whole new world: erotic pleasure of the finest kind. He’d had a lot of female bed partners as a Delta Force operator before marrying Linda, and they’d taught him a lot. And he was grateful, because now he could teach Teren about this new world she’d just stumbled into with him.
“This is just the best,” Teren drawled, her Southern accent more noticeable, barely opening her eyes, looking up at Nolan, thinking how handsome he was. And he was hers. She could feel him thick and hard within her, and never had she felt more satisfied than right now. This man knew how to love her, no question. She weakly lifted her hand, fingers caressing his thick, hard biceps. “You know, Farida and Hadii were always telling me about how wonderful it was to have an orgasm. I pretended to know what they were talking about.” She frowned and looked away for a moment. “I was afraid to admit to them I didn’t know what one was.”
Nolan leaned over, kissing her brow, then her cheek, and rasped, “It’s okay that you didn’t admit it. That’s our little secret.” He lifted his head, holding her adoring gaze. He swore he saw something shining in her eyes for him. He didn’t want to call it love. Maybe lust? Yet their connection with one another was palpable. Beautiful.
They barely knew one another, and yet, lying here, blanketing her body with his, nothing had ever felt so right to him. He felt as if he’d come home, and the realization skittered through him like sunlight spread across a dark, barren land that he’d inhabited for too long. Teren made him feel again. Fully. Completely.
Nolan drew strands away from her brow, memorizing this moment because it was so special and life-altering. Teren’s mouth was so beautifully shaped, and when those soft corners rose a little, he smiled, too, feeling her trust.
He twisted his hips slightly and she whimpered, her smile increasing, lashes sweeping downward.
“That feels so good, Nolan.” She slid her hands across his powerful shoulders, raising her hips, moving with him, loving how in sync they were with one another. “Don’t…stop…please…”
A sound of agreement rumbled through his chest as he eased as deep as he could go inside her. Teren was limber, athletic, passionate, and unafraid to meet and meld with him. “Let’s see if we can coax your body to gift you again,” he growled, and he leaned down, capturing her other nipple, sucking it just enough to make her gasp, because he knew the sensation would send her body bursting into another realm of rapture. And it did. Her hips ground against his and her breath quickened, turning into a pant as he thrust long and steadily, reaching that sweet spot so deep within her.
This time he was going to release his steel control. This time, he was going to ride that explosive wave he felt beginning to release within her.
Teren’s whole world shimmered before her closed eyes; she felt as if there were fireworks going off deep within her. Nolan was thrusting into her, and each time he stroked that spot, more of her orgasm reacted to his powerful caress within her. She cried out, feeling him suddenly grow rigid, hearing him grunt, an explosive breath leaving his contorted lips. She whirled into the scalding heat of that second violent orgasm. This one threw her into a rapturous state, floating as she felt his damp skin sliding against her own, his hot breath against her face. And then he climaxed, growling her name, framing her face between his large hands, his perspiring brow pressed against her own. She swam in such pleasure that all she could do was moan and cry out. At last, she had felt the power of what Farida and Hadii had called “good loving.”
*
Nolan slowly roused himself. After that climax, he had been utterly spent and he’d eased out of Teren, drawing her back into his arms and cradling her beside him. He’d haphazardly pulled that blanket over both of them after capturing her long legs within his. Teren had nestled her head against his neck, her arm limp across his torso, plastered sweetly against him, warm, damp, sharing that musky sexual scent. She fell asleep immediately, but he forced himself to remain awake for a while, because he wanted to remember how it felt to lie with a woman who had loved him with such an open heart and untrammeled passion.
Nolan knew without a doubt that he and Teren could fall in love with one another. It didn’t matter whether they said the words, admitted it, or even discussed it. He knew it. Just as he’d known when he had met Linda that she was the woman he would marry. Maybe it was part of how he saw his black-and-white world.
Just as when they met, he knew she was the right woman for him, Teren had experienced the same thing. Nolan had never thought he’d find another woman he could envision a life with, but he had. And in one of the remotest places on the planet. Go figure.
He inhaled her subtle cinnamon fragrance, sure now that she used it in a spicy oil on her hair. Her sex scent combined with that fragrance on her skin drove him crazy, making him want her once more. Moving his hand, he caressed Teren’s shoulder, allowing his fingers to trail down her long, curved spine. She had such a sweet ass, her cheeks full, in part, due to her jogging. Teren was in remarkable shape for someone who sat at a desk five days a week. His mouth curved faintly. He liked caressing her, feeling the satin firmness of her skin beneath his roughened fingertips. He loved how her slow, moist breath fanned across his neck and upper chest.
Closing his eyes, Nolan felt like a desperate thief, wanting to remember every second of his time spent with Teren. His world was one of constant chaos and change. And with the danger swirling around them right now, he couldn’t even plan anything with her—for them—although he wanted to. He wanted to take her to meet his charming, sweet-natured mother in Galway Bay. Nolan knew they’d get along well.
He wanted to take her to his farmhouse he’d bought outside Alexandria, Virginia. He was ten miles from the security company, in a home situated on thirty acres of rolling green grass and a stand of woods nearby. The farmhouse was over a hundred years old, and it needed a lot of work. Nolan had bought it thinking that between assignments, he would gut the place, take it back to its original condition, and over time, restore it. The money he made as a security operator was a hundred and fifty thousand dollars a year, enough to easily cover the expenses of reclaiming his new home. And now he dreamed of taking Teren to some of the finest antique stores in the area to hunt for period pieces to decorate the place once the rooms were finished—providing she liked old things. She might have other ideas.
He smiled. It didn’t matter to him, because all he wanted to do was make her happy. That farmhouse would reflect both of them, but mostly her, and Nolan was fine with that.
Yet, in another way, that farmhouse reflected him: both were in desperate need of inner repair, a mess right now. Symbolically, Nolan saw Teren as the reason to support his own healing work, to finally release the past, to make peace with it so he could have a present and future once more. She brought new possibilities and new life to him. It surged through him twenty-four hours a day since he’d met her. He could only feel it, absorb it, and then feel her care for him, healing him in some of the darkest corners of himself.
Teren realized none of this, but Nolan would share it with her when the time was right.
And with those last thoughts, Nolan dropped off into a deep, restorative sleep himself, Teren warm, soft, and sweet against him.
*
Teren was disoriented as she slowly pulled out of the halls of sleep. Her first impression, one that powerfully opened her heart, was that she was in Nolan’s arms, sleeping against his long, hard body. She became aware of his slow, deep breathing, his one arm curved around her shoulders, keeping her as close as she could get to him. Forcing her eyes open, she saw it was dark. She had no idea how much time had passed. The blanket covered her and she was warm. Just getting used to seeing Nolan’s tight, solid form following the line of her own body made her smile a little. Her lower body was cranky now, but she knew why. Nolan wasn’t a normal-sized man and she hadn’t had sex in years. What amazed her was the warmth still radiating within her from those earth-shattering orgasms he’d coaxed out of her. Now Teren knew what that achy feeling meant.
She had to ask herself, was she falling in love with Nolan? It was there, hanging silently before her. Teren had always wanted to fall in love but never thought she would. How she felt toward Nolan was so refreshingly different from the feelings she’d had for the few other lovers in her life. It was so rich, intense, and filled with promise.
She slid her hand across his chest, the silky, dark strands moving between her exploring fingers. While Nolan made her feel safe in a whole new way, she felt equally fervent about protecting him. And she found herself worrying about him. She’d never worried about a man before this.
Bottom line, Teren didn’t want to lose Nolan now that she had discovered him. She wanted to spend every moment she could with him, sleep at his side each night, make love with him, pleasure him like he’d pleasured her. Those were her new priorities.
A niggling doubt slithered through her, dampening some of her idealism and need for Nolan. She hoped it was something serious and possibly long-lasting taking root between them. Hadii and Farida had told her on many occasions about what love was, what it looked like, how a man acted toward the woman he loved and how it affected a woman’s heart, mind, and soul. If they were right, Teren had already seen what she thought might be love in Nolan’s eyes when he looked at her. He didn’t hide how he felt, and she was grateful. And she had all the signs and symptoms of beginning to fall in love with him, according to her two friends.
Alas, that created another, much larger problem. It stared at her like the monster from her past that it was. Fear grew in Teren as she wondered what Nolan would think of her decision at the age of eighteen. Would he see her differently when she told him the truth? Would he harshly judge her as her family and community had? That niggling fear turned into bona fide terror within Teren.
Her palm lay against Nolan’s heart. She could feel the slow, solid thud of it. How badly she wanted to keep him in her life. The way he looked at her made her feel incredibly beautiful, wanton, and unafraid. Nolan seemed to revel in her being fully who she really was. But her past was not perfect. Far from it. And it could make him lose respect for her, become disappointed in her, or worse, be ashamed of her choices and not want anything to do with her ever again.
More than anything, she knew she had to divulge the truth to Nolan. This couldn’t wait. Teren had not planned to be in bed with him, to have him love her so well and so thoroughly. It had just happened. There was such a naturalness that vibrated subtly between them, a trusting openness each gave to the other. Would Teren’s revelations break the connection she cherished so much with him? Her past could shatter her present. Destroy it. She wanted to cry but forced back the reaction.
As if sensing her confusion, Nolan awakened. She felt him move his hand that rested above the blanket across her waist, tighten momentarily and then lift away. His fingers trailed down her cheek, nudging aside thick strands of hair that had fallen across her face. Hungrily, Teren absorbed his contact, wanting so badly to have Nolan touch her tenderly, just like this, forever.
“You all right?” Nolan muttered drowsily, pushing himself up on one elbow, staring down at Teren. He could feel an edginess to her. Was she sorry she’d gone to bed with him? He searched her dark gray eyes, sensing a lot of turmoil. Sliding his hand against her jaw, trying to soothe her, he saw her eyes fill with tears.
“Talk to me,” he coaxed gruffly, feeling a sense of dread. “What’s wrong, Teren?” His voice, at first drowsy with sleep, was now fully alert.
“I need to tell you something, Nolan,” she whispered, pulling out of his embrace. Lamenting the loss of his holding her, Teren slowly sat up, pulling the blanket around her waist, tucking her leg beneath her and keeping the other half across his lower body. Her heart pounded in her chest as she prepared to tell Nolan about her past.
He looked boyish right now, all the normal hardness she saw in his face during the day gone. His brows dipped and she felt his full and immediate focus.
“Okay,” he rasped, pushing upward. “But you’re going to tell me with you in my arms. Come here.” Nolan leaned back against the headboard and then coaxed Teren into his arms, pulling the blanket up, covering her. He watched her gulp several times, as if trying to stop unknown emotions from surfacing within her.
Nolan situated Teren against him, her leg across his, and he arranged the fabric around her waist, making sure she was kept warm. “Now,” he said gruffly, kissing her hair, “tell me what’s bothering you.”
A part of him was relieved as she sighed and laid her head on his shoulder, her palm coming to rest on the center of his chest. At least she hadn’t pushed him away. Then he felt her tense, as if struggling with some invisible energy. He kissed her forehead and eased his fingers across her temple, pushing her dark hair aside so he could fully look into her eyes, now glistening with tears.
Her voice was low and torn-sounding. “Nolan…I’ve lived in fear of telling you about this . . .”
He felt her tremble and wanted to soothe her worries. “Whatever it is,” he promised, “we’ll handle it together, Teren. All right?”
Just his reassurance gave Teren the courage she needed. “Okay,” she managed to say, her voice strained. She flattened her palm against his chest, desperately grateful for his arms around her. They gave her the strength to speak.
“After I graduated from high school, I’d never been so happy. I left for a nearby community college in a much larger town near Louisville. It was the first time I’d ever been alone in such a large city, Nolan. I was starry-eyed, excited, and so happy to be free of my smothering family. I signed up for a degree in computer science and had my whole life planned. I was going to get a two-year degree. My family didn’t have money to send me, so I went out and found two part-time jobs, both waitressing. I lived in a small apartment off campus with two other girls who were doing the same thing I was.”
Nolan moved his fingers slowly up and down her arm, feeling Teren begin to relax just a tad. Her words were rushed, tumbling out of her. Sensing something tragic in the offing, he eased his fingers through her clean, silky hair, knowing how much she enjoyed that. “You had a rough road ahead of you, Teren, but you had a dream to fulfill and you went after it. I’m proud of you.”
Nolan heard her draw in a jerky breath and then relax just a tiny bit more in his arms, but she was still on guard, as if trying to protect herself from an imminent blow. He squeezed her gently, rasping against her ear, “Tell me. Remember, we’re in this together, Teren. We’ll handle it, sweetheart.”
She shut her eyes, and two tears squeezed from them, running down her pale cheeks. Her fingers tightened against his chest. “I’d just started school, Nolan. I-I was suddenly feeling like I was in the eye of a hurricane. I had so many boys wanting to go out with me and date me. I’d never had a boyfriend before. It threw me off. I loved their attention. I thought it was wonderful, but I felt scared and confused because I didn’t know what I should do or say. One guy, Tony, was really complimentary. He would show up after my classes, carry my books for me, ask me out to have a hamburger at the student union. He made me laugh. And I loved that he devoted so much attention to me.” She took a deep breath and pressed her face into his neck. “It hurts so much to admit all this…”
“You were innocent, Teren. You came out of a rural environment. And you weren’t socialized to the world of boys dating girls. I’m sure you felt uncomfortable, and you were exploring yourself and men. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a natural occurrence.”
A tiny trickle of relief shot through Teren. Nolan understood. “You’re right. I didn’t know what was happening. All I knew was that I felt so special, when I’d never felt that way before.”
“Sweetheart, you’re a beautiful young woman. I imagine at eighteen you looked so damned fresh and innocent to a lot of those guys who were a lot more experienced and on the prowl for someone just like you. But you didn’t know that, so there’s no crime in you not realizing it.” Again, he squeezed her a little more closely to him, wanting to give Teren emotional support.
Lifting her hand, Teren quickly wiped the tears off her face. “Believe me, I know that now. I didn’t know it then, which is what got me in so much trouble, Nolan.”
“Go on,” he urged her quietly.
Teren hadn’t realized how desperate she was to hear Nolan’s low, thick voice against her ear. She moved her hand restlessly across his chest, the words strained. “Tony prided himself on knowing about all kinds of wines. I had never had a drink of alcohol in my life, Nolan. He would sit and show me books on types of wine. He was always excited by the different reds and whites. And he taught me about them. One night, he said he’d borrowed a friend’s car and we were going to go to a wine tasting. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go, but he insisted and I gave in.”
“Why did you hesitate?”
She compressed her lips. “I-I don’t know. Something didn’t feel right, but I didn’t want to disappoint him. I was afraid he’d drop me. I finally had a boyfriend for the first time in my life and I didn’t want to lose him.”
“Well,” Nolan said, “that about sums up every eighteen-year-old girl’s thoughts.” He cut her an amused look. “Right?”
“When I was in high school, girls who were fifteen or older had boyfriends, and I never had one. I guess I was jealous.”
“And now that you had one? All of that played into your decision?”
Nodding, she said in a disappointed tone, “Yes.”
“Teenagers make more mistakes per square inch than any other age group,” Nolan informed her. “Twenty-somethings aren’t far behind. That’s how we learn, Teren. Maybe our parents told us to not do this or that, but we didn’t always listen. We were at an age of what I call ‘exploration,’ taking risks and finding out what each of our choices taught us.”
“I see that now. I wish I’d seen it then.”
“Did Tony take you to a wine tasting?”
“He took me to a seedy motel. I asked him why we were there. He said the wine tasting was in a room. We’d go there and taste different wines. I was scared, but I didn’t want to make a scene because he was so convincing, smiling, and telling me I’d enjoy it.” Teren pushed the tears off her face. “There were three bottles of wine on a dresser in that motel room. I’d never been in a motel before, so I was curious. Tony poured me a little wine and asked me to taste it. He asked me to sit down and I did. I drank some of it and it tasted god-awful.”
“A taste for wine is something we develop,” Nolan said, seeing her eyes darken.
“I guess. It tasted horribly sour and bad. He urged me to drink the whole glass.”
“A whole glass of wine?” Nolan asked, alarmed.
“Yes. Why?” Teren twisted a look up at him.
“At a wine tasting? There’s usually half an ounce to an ounce of a particular wine in a glass. He didn’t bring you there for that. He’d tricked you.”
“Oh.” Teren gave him a frustrated look. “See? Even now, I didn’t know that.”
“What happened then?” Nolan coaxed, drying her damp cheek with his thumb.
“I remember I got up and felt horribly tired, like I wanted to go to sleep immediately. It was the weirdest thing, Nolan. My feet felt like they’d suddenly grown twenty-pound weights on each of them. I found it hard to talk, to think…”
Nolan tried to keep the anger out of his tone. “He drugged you, Teren.”
“Yes, only I didn’t know that until the next day when I found myself naked, lying on the bed, and Tony was gone.” She felt Nolan tense. He slid his arm around her, holding her tightly against him. Never had his embrace felt so welcome, so strong.
“He drugged and raped you, didn’t he?”
Teren heard his tightly controlled lethal tone and closed her eyes, nodding. “I didn’t know what happened,” she whispered, her voice scratchy. “I was cold because there was no heat in the room; all my clothes were in a pile by the side of the bed. I felt sore and my lower body hurt.”
Nolan mentally cursed, continuing to move his hand soothingly up and down her back, feeling the tension in her. “You’d been a virgin.”
“Yes.”
“What did you do then?” he asked, easing his arms open enough so that he could face her, look into her glistening eyes, which reflected so much hurt.
“I don’t know what all he did. I found bite marks on my breasts, on my stomach, and on the insides of my thighs. I saw blood on the covers. I was sore and I hurt.” She glanced up at Nolan, his face tight, mouth thinned, eyes filled with rage. But he was holding her gently, giving her the strength to go on. “I took a shower, cleaned myself off the best I could. I threw up several times. I was so miserable, and it was almost too much to try to think what to do next.”
“Because the drug was still in your bloodstream—that’s probably why you threw up.” Nolan felt the urge to find this bastard but held on to his emotions, knowing that if he appeared upset, Teren would retreat and possibly stop sharing the incident. He knew her well enough to know he should remain stable and level-headed to keep her calm.
“Yes. I walked three miles back to the apartment. My roommate knew something was wrong and asked me, but I wouldn’t tell her anything. I went to my room and slept the rest of the day.”
“Did you confront Tony?”
“No. I was afraid to. He disappeared for about two weeks and then he came back, using that same charm, that same smile on me. He said he wanted to take me to another motel.”
“The bastard had balls,” Nolan growled.
“I told him no. I told him to go away and leave me alone. He got really angry, his hands curled into fists, and he scared me to death with his temper. I got away from him as fast as I could.”
“Did he leave you alone, though?”
Teren heard the wariness in Nolan’s tone. “He began to stalk me. I was so scared. About three months after he’d raped me, I began throwing up every morning. My roommate knew by this time what Tony had done to me. She said I was probably pregnant.” Risking a look over at Nolan, she saw bleakness come to his narrowed eyes. His arms automatically tightened around her.
Teren forced herself to push forward. “The test came back, and it showed I was pregnant. I didn’t know what to do, Nolan. I couldn’t go home and tell my parents what happened. They’d have been ashamed of me. They’d have shunned me, and I was afraid they’d disown me and kick me out of the house, telling me to never come back to see them again. And my three brothers? My God, if they’d found out, they’d have crucified me with questions until I told them it was Tony. And then they’d have gone after him and probably killed him.”
“What did you do?” he asked her quietly, cupping her face, holding her stormy gaze.
“This is the worst part,” she warned him. Without thinking she pulled his hand from her cheek, gripping it, holding it in her lap. “I went to Tony and told him he’d gotten me pregnant. He became very quiet. He said we needed to talk, that he’d take care of the situation. He’d help me. I was angry at him then, but he grabbed me by the arm and hauled me out of the college and into his car. He said we were going somewhere. I screamed at him to let me out, but he’d locked the door. When we arrived at that same horrible, seedy motel, I started crying. I thought he was going to rape me again. I fought him, but he was too strong. He got me into a first-floor room and slammed the door, locking it behind him.”
She felt Nolan’s hand, so warm and comforting, twine with her damp fingers. Teren felt if she didn’t grip his large, callused hand, she’d be lost.
“I tried to run past him, tried to rip that door open. The next thing I knew, he’d hit me so hard in the jaw, I felt bones breaking in my face. I remember falling…and that’s all…”
Sniffing, Teren didn’t have the courage to look at Nolan. Gripping his hand, she closed her eyes, the words tumbling out of her. “I woke up three weeks later in a hospital. My parents were there, standing guard over me. At first, I didn’t even remember my name, but over the hours after I became conscious, I started remembering things. My parents just sat there, staring at me. I felt horrible. They left and later, the doctor came in. He checked me out, and then a nurse came in and told me I’d had a miscarriage, that I’d lost my baby. She went through a list of broken bones I’d sustained. I just lay there, not able to really comprehend it all.”
“He beat the hell out of you,” Nolan ground out, holding her close, wanting to protect her but unable. “He probably counted on knocking you out and then hitting you in the belly to force the miscarriage.”
She felt so tired and worn, as if carrying this load by herself for so long had taken an enormous toll on her soul. “Yes, that’s what the nurse told me. Only, when he hit me in the face several times, he gave me a serious concussion, and I was in a coma for three weeks. I don’t remember much after that. I know I slept a lot. And every time I’d wake up, one of my family or one of the parishioners from our church was with me. It helped me. I felt guilty and ashamed. The women who came and sat and prayed for me from the church didn’t look at me like I was a slut. Some were even kind to me, and I needed that so badly…”
It took every kind of control that Nolan had ever had to remain relaxed, allowing Teren a place to hide and tell her story. He’d seen that her nose had been broken previously the first day he’d met her, but he’d had no idea how it had occurred. A killing rage flowed through him. “How were you feeling then about the baby?” Nolan knew how much she loved those Sudanese children, and they loved her equally. They were always tagging along with her, holding her hands, pulling on her pant legs, touching her, wanting to be close to her. Teren was a natural mother. And to lose her child like that?
Gently, he kissed her cheek, feeling the wetness of her tears beneath his mouth. She was crying silently, clinging to him, her head buried beneath his chin, holding him. Holding on.
After weeping, she said, “It took me a couple of years, Nolan, to come to grips with all of it. I was so young, so green. The grief over the loss of my baby was the last to come up and be dealt with. First, I had to deal with the shame and humiliation my family put me through. In their eyes, I’d sinned so badly there was no forgiveness ever coming from them. They shunned me.”
Shaking her head, Teren felt so much of her fear dissolving beneath Nolan’s quiet, steadying presence. She was amazed he wasn’t judging her like everyone else had. It gave her even more courage to say, “I ended up, after getting well, having to go to court and testify against Tony. The jury gave him twenty-five years in prison. That was a relief, because I’d feared he would be set free, and that he’d find and kill me the next time.”
Smoothing her hair, Nolan kissed her temple, grazing her shoulders, trying to get her to release the backlog of tension she carried in them. “Yeah, he would have, Teren. What did you do then?”
“I went back to school and finished my degree. I couldn’t go home. I was persona non grata to everyone. I put my head down, took on two part-time jobs, paid my way through the two-year course in computer science, and graduated. At one of the job fairs on campus, I met some wonderful people from Delos. They were hiring programmers, but they needed them for fieldwork in third-world countries. When I found out that they had a charity near Khartoum, Sudan, I leaped at the chance, and they hired me on the spot. I spent a year in Darfur and then transferred here to Kitra.”
Brushing the dark hair sprinkled across his chest, she added, “I’ve never been sorry for my decision. Living here at Kitra has been so very healing for me, Nolan. Farida and Hadii adopted me like the lost puppy I was. They always teased me that I was their younger sister whose skin was lighter than theirs, but we carried the same color of blood, the same heart. I liked the way they saw me. I wasn’t white and they weren’t black. We were women who lived our lives loving what we were doing. That brought us together as a wonderful team that’s been so great for the past seven years.”
“And your baby? When did that loss hit you?” Nolan knew it had taken him years afterward to come out of the shock of losing Linda. One day, unexpectedly, the grief exploded through him, hurling him into a vat so painful and filled with loss, he thought he’d never make his way through it all. But he had. Barely.
Looking down at Teren, he eased her against his shoulder, studying her in the near-darkness, her cheeks glistening with tears. The small light out in the hall shed just enough illumination into the room so he could see her anguished eyes.
“The third year I was here at Kitra, there was a rash of abused women who had come to Kitra pregnant. It just ripped off that scab inside me.” She grimaced and looked away. “I wasn’t much good for about three months after that, paralyzed by the grief of losing my own baby. I never told anyone why. Farida and Hadii thought it was my reaction to the losses of the women. They weren’t far from the truth…”
“I’m glad they were here to support you,” he whispered, shaking his head. “You’re so damn strong, Teren. You really are.”
“I don’t feel strong, Nolan. I feel a hollowness right here.” She pressed her hand against her belly. “Even now, I sometimes dream about my lost baby coming to me, and we talk and we laugh with one another. I always wake up with this ache of loss in my heart. Every time that dream happens, it heals another little part of me.”
“Yeah,” he rumbled. “It sure as hell is a process, isn’t it?”
She gave him a sad look of understanding. “You lost your wife and your baby. I just can’t imagine what you’ve gone through, Nolan.” She eased away from him, sitting up, facing him, her legs crossed beneath the blanket. “You aren’t judging me, are you?”
He gave her a perplexed look. “No. Why would I do that, Teren? You didn’t do anything wrong. You were young and innocent, and you trusted. You did the best you could at the time.”
She pulled in a ragged breath. “I thought…well…I thought you might not want to be around me anymore after you found out what I did.”
Nolan stared at her, the silence thickening. “Let’s get this clear, Teren: you did not do this to yourself. It was done to you. Tony drugged and raped you. Got you pregnant. And then when he found out, he wanted to get rid of the baby. And I think he really wanted to kill you and probably thought he had.” His mouth turned downward, his words grating. “But you lived, Teren. You survived.”
“I carry so much guilt over it, Nolan. Even to this day…”
“Because your family sees you as having done something wrong.”
“Yes. I’m older now, but it still sneaks up on me sometimes. Most days,” Teren shrugged wearily, “I blow it off. But when you came smashing into my life, I was so drawn to you, it scared me.”
“Did you think I was another Tony?”
“No…never. You’re the exact opposite of him, Nolan. What I did fear was you knowing what had happened to me, that you’d blame me for it, for my poor choices, or see me as something less than you saw me before.”
She bit down on her lower lip, watching his expression turn tender. He reached out to her.
“I don’t want you away from me right now, Teren. Come here.” He held his hand out to her. He could see her need to be silently supported and loved no matter what she thought she’d done. Nolan realized that she was still seeing life through that faulty lens of her parents’ misshapen religious beliefs, making her feel judged and hounding her to this day. At least she was aware of it and was fighting not to let it run her life.
When she placed her damp fingers into his hand, he smiled gently, tugging her back into his arms—where she belonged. And if he had anything to say about it, she would be staying with him forever.