CHAPTER 12
Nolan absorbed Teren’s womanly strength and her deep compassion. The cinnamon scent of her hair, where he’d buried his face, lingered as he pulled away slightly to look down at her. He felt the slender curve of her body, her small, perfectly formed breasts against his chest. Heat pooled in his lower body as her belly sank against his thickening erection. A groan tore out of him as her arms curved and held him tightly against her. He could feel her breath, the rise and fall of her breasts, the moisture against the column of his neck. She was perfectly fitted against him in every possible way.
Just once…just once he wanted to let go of his steely control. His brain was screaming at him that she was his PSD, that he had no business inviting her into this kind of situation. Nolan knew that his story, the painful past of his life, had triggered Teren’s unabashed, unselfish reaction. He knew deep within that she was sensitive to the plight of others who suffered. Why the hell had he told her about the worst night of his life? Why?
And yet, he hungrily sponged in the fluttering beat of her heart against his chest, felt life infusing him, instead of living in a land of limbo where there was no warmth, no intimacy, no—nothing. Teren inspired him to dream once more, whether she knew it or not. She fed his aching soul, one stained with so much grief, loss, and regret. And she did it without realizing it.
He nuzzled his face into her hair, feeling its cool silkiness against his flesh. Nolan heard a soft moan come from within Teren, her arms a little tighter around his shoulders, as she tried to press herself even more solidly against him. She felt so damn good to him and he couldn’t help it; his lower body exploded with a raging hunger for her, wanting her now. His resolve was ebbing away from him, her instinctive seductiveness luring him, although Nolan knew she wasn’t doing this to seduce him. She was trying to comfort him and find comfort for herself, too.
Teren was holding him with all her woman’s strength and love right now because she was hurting for him, for the loss of his wife and baby. And her decency was what stopped Nolan from taking her. To cheat Teren like this, to use her desire to comfort him as a reason to take her sexually, was against his values. He wanted a woman to come to him with the intention of engaging in lovemaking with him. He was no damned wolf in sheep’s clothing, and Nolan would never try anything with Teren because she had enough to handle right now.
He slid his hands down her back, a caress, a silent thank you for her support, then reluctantly released her, taking a step back when it was the last thing he wanted to do. He saw her lashes drift upward, arousal and compassion in her lustrous gray eyes. Pink tinged her cheeks, her lips were slightly parted, and she was breathless. Nolan could feel her wanting him, but damn it, she had to say those words, had to verbally move across that line that stood between them. He was not going to take advantage of the situation or of her. If he hadn’t had that strong moral compass that always guided him, he would have been lost in the ugly world of secrecy. And maybe his mind, shaped by the military, made it easy for him to keep things in that black-and-white perspective.
Nolan saw confusion in her expression as he eased away from her. But he didn’t want to stop holding her in his arms, his hands coming to rest on her waist, maintaining her lambent gaze, feeling such raw desire on her part toward him. Would she transcend her secret past? Could she speak the words, ask him to love her? That’s what it would take, and Nolan sensed she was close to doing just that. But at what risk to herself? Teren had intimated something terrible had happened in her past. And until he knew what it was, he was reluctant to make love with her, as badly as he wanted to.
Tragic wounds changed a person forever. And someone blundering into another person’s life required patience and time, because without knowing the dark secrets someone carried, it could backfire on both parties.
No, Nolan would rather continue to get to know her, understand what fueled her passionate life, and continue to slowly draw Teren to him for all the right reasons. Never mind this erection, which was now aching. He would rather suffer. The reward was the look in Teren’s eyes, which spoke of utter trust toward him. That was the ultimate gift one human could give another, and Nolan recognized the gift for what it was.
“Hey,” he rasped, moving his fingers along her waist. “Has anyone ever told you how beautiful your heart is?” He saw the corners of her lips pull up just little, heard her breathing become a little ragged. Her fingers tightened on his forearms, and Nolan felt as if she wouldn’t be able to stand on her own just yet. He hadn’t even kissed her, and that’s exactly what he wanted to do.
“No…” She gazed up at him, her pupils large and black as she studied him in the heated, swirling silence around them.
He lifted his hand, taming her hair and pushing it away from her face. “Well, it is, sweetheart.” And she did indeed have a sweet, innocent heart that she had just given him. That was the trust throbbing strongly between them. Nolan knew it was only a matter of time now before Teren came to realize that whatever issues stood between them, they would dissolve, because the bottom line was that they trusted one another.
“I’m so sorry for what happened to you, Nolan,” she whispered unsteadily. “I-I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you felt…the loss…”
“I was twenty-six at the time,” he said, cupping her cheek, looking deep in her eyes, which now glistened with unshed tears. “I’m thirty now. Time has helped. It’s about the only thing that has,” he added, sadness in his tone. “I never thought in a million years that our home, which was in a good section of town, would ever be broken into. It just never occurred to me.”
Shaking her head, Teren said, “It wouldn’t to me, either, Nolan. My God, you must have been so devastated. I don’t know how you survived.”
Just holding Teren was helping him to come to terms with his grief-stricken past. He realized he’d been waiting for this kind of woman, this moment, for a long time. “I was numb for a couple of years. I couldn’t even cry. And then, one day, the dam burst and I couldn’t quit crying. I was out on an undercover op in Ethiopia when it happened. And fortunately, when it all came down and broke me, I was out in the desert, alone.”
“How did it break you?”
“The pain, the grief that I’d sat on so long, came vomiting up through me, Teren. I can’t explain it. It was like a fist violently shoving up inside of me, forcing me to let out all my screams, my anger, my grief. I was at a safe house, waiting for a PSD who would arrive a week later. I had those seven days to get it all out of my system, release the bulk of it, cry until I had no more tears left, but the sounds were still tearing out of me. I lost track of night and day. I couldn’t eat. I forced myself to keep drinking a lot of water, because I knew I had to stay hydrated or I’d die.”