Chapter 11
Zach gazed into the mirror and watched as he slid the razor across his chin. He looked the same on the outside but he was damned different on the inside. Noah St. Claire had a way about him that made Zach want to be a different man. Four weeks behind him since Noah had been brought into the hospital. Four weeks of pure fucking heaven. He’d never been so happy in his entire life. It was almost impossible to believe the changes that had taken place, but Zach, looking at himself in the mirror that morning, didn’t have any choice but to admit changes, indeed, had taken place.
He no longer hated the man looking back at him.
Who would’ve imagined that was even possible? For years, he’d tried to become this alter-ego of the Zachary Meadows he’d been during the earlier years of his life. The need to destroy every aspect of the Meadows genepool guiding each and every decision he made in life: where he went to college, his desire to be a doctor, the way he kept everyone at arm’s length, and most of all, the way he refused to open his heart. He wasn’t foolish enough to think those days were completely behind him, but he was, for the first time, willing to admit the walls might be coming down. Hell, he would even go so far as to say if he’d been capable of feeling the emotion of love, falling in love with Noah would’ve been so damned easy.
He frowned as he looked back at the face in the mirror. He wasn’t capable of love, though. That was a sad fact he needed to keep reminding himself of. He wasn’t capable of love nor was he worth loving. This thing with Noah had to remain in the friends with benefits category.
Noah. His mental stability and strength grew every single day, surprising Zach and his new doctor. They’d both thought it would have taken much more time before any improvements started manifesting. They’d both been wrong.
No, Noah wasn’t ready to step out into the real world and leave the apartment building, but there’d been what all three of them considered to be giant steps. He spoke to people when they were in the gym or eating in the restaurant off the lobby, smiling and not looking at all scared, nervous, or distant. Almost everyone noticed that change and flocked to be around his lover. Zach didn’t like it one damned bit, but there wasn’t anything he could do to prevent it. Noah wasn’t his. He couldn’t make any promises for their future, so he couldn’t do anything to hold him back.
Didn’t stop it from making him fucking sick to his stomach to watch both men and women flirting shamelessly with Noah. No, didn’t stop it one damned bit.
Noah no longer cringed and clung to the walls to stay as far away as he could from the glass walls of the front of their apartment building. He might not look outside, but he didn’t hide any longer, either. One evening, he’d even allowed Zach to crack the curtains in his bedroom a full six inches. It’d been pitch black outside and Zach could barely even tell the curtains were open, but he knew Noah was very aware of the peek out into the world. He hadn’t enjoyed it, but it hadn’t led to a panic attack.
Once Zach finished shaving, he ambled into his bedroom and slid into the suit he’d chosen to wear for the day, like it was a hard choice. He only had black or gray suits. Boring shit.
He hated suits.
There, he’d admitted it. He probably needed to open his eyes and realize there weren’t a lot of differences between him and Noah. Noah hid his body away from the world. Zach might put his body out there for everyone to see, but he hid everything else.
As he looked at his reflection in the mirror in his bedroom, he frowned. He wasn’t wearing suits anymore. Noah had talked about doing some online shopping for clothes, and Zach vowed he would insist they both take the time to do it very soon. Not tonight, though. He had something special planned for tonight.
He called Connor to make sure everything was still a green light. If his best friend managed to get all the details and tasks taken care of before tonight’s surprise, he would owe Connor for the balance of his life. He held no doubts he asked for a miracle and this particular miracle was more than likely way out of Connor’s comfort zone, but those facts hadn’t kept him from asking.
“Stop harassing me, Zach,” Connor barked into the phone. “I’ve got this. You can count on me. Tonight will be as perfect as I can make it.”
Zach smiled. “I just called to see if you needed me to take care of anything on my end,” he lied. Well, it was a partial lie. He would do any job Connor tossed back in his direction, but he’d called to follow up and make sure Connor wasn’t forgetting anything.
“Liar,” Connor answered with a laugh. “You’re as nervous as a high schooler on prom night. It’s hilarious. I’m enjoying myself immensely.”
“Well, as long as you get some enjoyment out of it, I guess that’s all that matters,” he teased back.
“Yeah, speaking of that,” Connor said nervously. “I wondered if I could woo my date with your scraps.”
The comment surprised Zach. The last he’d heard, Connor was back to his usual hit it and quit it…which didn’t involve dates, just sex. On one hand, he was glad Connor had found someone else to have some fun with, but on the other hand, he was disappointed. “My scraps?” he asked. “I’m not sure you’re going to get lucky on scraps.”
“You know what I mean,” Connor growled.
He knew exactly what Connor meant. There was a really good chance Noah wouldn’t be able to enjoy the rooftop surprise Zach had planned for him. That would be okay. If Noah wasn’t ready, then Noah wasn’t ready. He wasn’t going to push him. “Who’s the lucky guy cashing in on my scraps?”
Pause.
Silence.
Uncomfortable silence.
“Wayne.”
Ahhhh, that made sense. Connor didn’t give up so easily. It wasn’t like him to get mad enough at somebody to toss them out like trash. Zach wasn’t surprised to hear Connor hadn’t given up on the EMT.
“Wayne deserves more than scraps.”
“Yeah…it took some convincing on his end, but I finally know that,” Connor answered slowly. “Okay, enough chit-chat. I’ve got things to do! Just call me the wedding planner.”
Zach’s good mood plummeted. Connor didn’t need to joke about things like that, things that could never be. “That’s not funny, Conn. Shut that shit up.”
“Whatever you say,” Connor answered quickly, his voice laced with sarcasm. “Just remember, sometimes it’s out of our control.”
“I don’t lose control.” I can’t lose control, not where Noah is concerned.
*****
Noah stood under the shower spray and let the hot water pound against his back. He was…terrified. He’d already puked twice, and his nervous stomach didn’t appear to be easing up in the least. Zach had something special planned for tonight, and Noah had a feeling it wasn’t the “something special” involving kinky fun where they were both naked. No, he had feeling Zach had a date planned.
A fucking date.
A fucking date would require him leaving his safe zone.
He couldn’t do it.
He had to do it.
There was no doubting it. He was making progress and improvements with his mental health. The doctor assured him of it and he could feel the differences. The fear that had been his permanent companion was still there, but it lurked in the shadows instead of the full-blown terror he’d experienced so regularly. Hell, when he was with Zach, he could almost forget about his anxiety…could almost fool himself into thinking he was a normal person.
But, while progress was definitely being made, Noah didn’t think for one minute he was ready to leave his safety zone. Nope. No point lying to himself about it. Beneath all the improvements and giant leaps toward mental stability, he was still a coward.
He turned off the shower, stepped out, and wrapped himself in a thick towel. After taking a deep breath of determination, he went over to the bathroom mirror, wiped away the steam, and stared at himself. There were physical changes going on as well. His eyes were brighter since he’d reduced his meds to something more manageable. His color had improved, but without access to sunlight, he remained pale. He was still thin, but his muscles were more defined. He wouldn’t ever have the muscles Zachary sported, but he was doing nicely.
Noah frowned. He actually missed the chocolate and sugar more than his drugs. What did soda ever do to Zach? The man was totally against his beloved beverage. Unsure of what it said about him as a grown man, he liked having Zach take care of him…except when it came to his sodas. There was a good chance he’d snuck some of those from the restaurant downstairs while Zach worked, but he’d never admit that aloud much less in his own thoughts.
His gaze narrowed. “You can do this, Noah. You’re strong. You’re brave. There’s nothing to be afraid of. You are safe.” He looked closer at the reflection in the mirror. “That’s all bullshit, Noah, but you’ve got to try really hard for Zachary. You can be brave and be strong for Zach.”
Before he started answering himself, he stepped away from the mirror and went into his bedroom. The doctor had sworn those mirror pep talks would help, but Noah sure the fuck didn’t feel any braver than before he’d climbed out of the shower.
His stomach rolled with nausea again.
“Stop thinking about it,” he warned himself.
Okay, a date. Zach wanted to take him on a date. Sure, the night would more than likely end up with him in an ER somewhere, but he wasn’t going to dwell on that ugly fact until the first signs of the panic attack clutched at his heart. No, he’d focus all his attention on finding something decent to wear.
No sweatpants.
No shorts.
No tank tops.
No T-shirts.
Shit, he didn’t even know what fucking month it was. That shit wasn’t important when one didn’t leave their apartment building. He grabbed his cell and found the information he needed. October. Fall. It would be chilly outside, but not cold. He jerked open his closet door and started digging around furiously for a thin sweater. There had to be one in there somewhere. He’d had normal clothes at some point in his life. When he found a black cashmere sweater, he felt like he’d won the lottery. He had absolutely no clue what was stylish, but surely a plain black sweater would be acceptable. Frowning, he sniffed it to make sure it didn’t smell like mothballs or something equally unappealing.
After sliding the cashmere sweater over his head, he dug around for jeans. Like the sweater, they had to be there somewhere. Ten minutes and fifteen curse words later, he found a box labelled jeans. He tossed the first three pair, wondering why in the world he would have thought embellishing was attractive, and then hit pay dirt with a pair of soft, faded Levi’s plain enough to not look good, but hopefully, not look bad either. Figuring it was the best he would find, he did the sniff test, and then shoved his legs into the denim. They were a bit baggy, loose everywhere except his ass, and Noah wondered if he’d really lost that much weight or if he’d been chubby when he’d been sane.
A quick look in the mirror told him he was nowhere near what somebody as hot as Zachary deserved to have by his side, but it was the best he could manage until he did more shopping. Grinning like a lunatic, he went back to the closet and pulled out the one online item he’d foolishly purchased when he’d been on a Zachary-high. Yeah, he must have been arrogantly confident when he’d spent the four hundred dollars he didn’t really have just so he could have the black biker boots, thick leather belt, and black twisted bracelet he’d thought Zachary might find hot. Sure, Zachary rarely wore anything but expensive, stuffy suits, but when Noah looked at all the tats decorating his body, he saw a different side to his lover. He saw a man who enjoyed it rough and on the edge.
Noah wanted to be the man satisfying those darker hot desires.
He checked his watch again—only fifteen minutes before Zach was supposed to show up. Zach had been so fucking excited that morning when he’d told him he had something special planned for their one month anniversary. Noah didn’t want to be the reason that sexy smile disappeared. He had to find the courage to do what Zach wanted. He had to.
Saliva poured into his mouth and he ran toward the toilet. How much more could he throw up before his tank emptied?
*****
He’d been home long enough to walk Denala, tend to the puppies, and shower. The excitement bubbled inside him, both terrifying and exhilarating him at the same time. Since the shit show with his father, he hadn’t had any type of physical relationship with another person lasting longer than one fuck, much less one month. One month. If his heart weren’t irrevocably damaged, he knew Noah would be the one.
Before leaving his apartment, he called Connor’s cell. As soon as his friend answered, he asked, “Is everything ready?”
Connor laughed, and from somewhere in the background, he heard Wayne’s laughter as well. Maybe Zach sounded a bit too desperate? Grinning, he realized he didn’t care if they were laughing at him. The only thing that mattered tonight was Noah.
“It’s about as perfect as two bachelor dickheads can make it, Zach. Looking everything over, I’m one hundred percent you’re going to get lucky tonight. No, Wayne! The blow-up doll goes over there. Stop being stupid.”
“Ha-ha,” Zach responded dryly. “No blow-up dolls, and please tell me my planners showed up to help you two bachelor dickheads.” If the party planners hadn’t shown up, a sex doll would probably be the least of his worries. He couldn’t begin to imagine what kind of intimate dinner Connor and Wayne would throw together for him.
Connor snorted. “Yeah, they showed up, frowned on everything Wayne and I had already done to make your night extra special. They’re a bunch of tight-asses, I tell ya. They probably fuck with the lights off.”
“Just get your asses to my apartment and get ready for phase two of my brilliant tight-ass, fuck-with-the-lights-off plan. I need this to be perfect for Noah, Conn, and I’m depending on you to ensure it happens.”
“Well, hell, you sure know how to ruin a bachelor party,” Connor grumbled. “Got it, man. Best friend reporting to duty. I’ll make you proud.”
“Idiot.” Zach smiled. Before hanging up, he said, “I’m never going to live this one down, am I?”
“Never.”
*****
Noah was sitting on the couch, his head between his legs, doing breathing exercises when he heard Zach’s apartment door open. Then close. The security mechanism of Noah’s door beeped a welcoming signal, and he forced his head up and tried to appear normal. Well, almost normal. Relatively normal. Hell, he would never pass for normal.
“Hey, babe,” Zach said as soon as he entered the apartment. The giant man immediately crossed the room, intent on giving Noah a kiss hello from the look in his eyes, but then stumbled to a halt when only a few steps away. A soft whistle blew through his sexier than sexy lips, and Noah, for a few moments, forgot all about being terrified. When he saw the appreciative gleam sparkling in Zach’s eyes, he felt like he could conquer the world. Yeah, the biker boots, leather cuff, and jeans had definitely caught and held his lover’s attention.
“Damn, Noah,” Zach whispered in awe. “You look fucking hot.” He shook his head, like clearing it of cobwebs, and added, “I mean, you always look fucking hot, but this is a new fucking hot look that’s…fucking hot.”
It was silly, but Noah couldn’t stop the glow of happiness Zach’s praise caused him. He stood and stepped into Zach’s embrace. “The pants are a bit baggy, but they’ll have to do. I didn’t get past ordering the leather.”
“Baggy is good,” Zach answered. “Gives me room to do this.” He slipped his hand past the belted waistband and grabbed a handful of ass. He squeezed and jerked Noah closer against him.
“I’m good with hanging around here and you keeping your hand down my pants all night long,” Noah said, trying to sound cocky but it came out more like a nervous hyena. He hated the blush of shame burning his cheeks. Zach had to be disappointed in him. Noah wasn’t even trying.
“If you want to stay here, we’ll stay here,” Zach answered slowly. “I don’t want to push you, babe, but I do want to show you how important you are to me. I want tonight to be special, and if special means us staying in your apartment, then it will be perfect, because I’ll be with you.” Zach kept massaging his ass cheek as he talked. “Uh…I’ve never been in a relationship that’s lasted this long.”
Noah laughed nervously. “Well, I’ve never been in a real relationship, so I think you can call us even.” He took a deep breath, stole a quick kiss from Zach’s lips, and said, “Let’s do this. I’ll try my best, Zach. I can’t make any promises, but I’m going to try.”
“Whatever happens will be what should happen. No pressure, Noah. You’ll get there when the time is right, not one damned minute before you’re ready. When you leave this building, it needs to be for you.”
Noah rolled his eyes. “That’s what the doctor tells me.” Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. He couldn’t do this, not for himself, not for Zach, not for the good Lord himself.
Zach clasped their hands together and tugged him toward the door. “Come on, babe. I don’t want us to be late.”
Noah dug in his heels, still somewhat shocked Zach would think he was ready for such a giant step. Progress was him not constantly hugging the walls when they were in the lobby to ensure he was as far away from the glass exits as humanly possible. Progress was him talking to strangers in their gym and not counting every step as he walked to the gym and back to his apartment. Progress was not taking his medication. What Zach had planned for him tonight was more like a giant leap into the unknown, completely naked, with dick dangling.
I can’t do it.
He plastered a smile on his face that he hoped would pass for excitement instead of looking like someone being forced to watch childbirth and answered, “Lead the way. Thanks for planning such a special evening for us. One month, eh? Who would have thought it?” There, that sounded semi-normal, right? I am so going to throw up.
Like a moron, he stumbled over his own feet as they crossed the threshold of his apartment. What the fuck? He walked through that door every damned day. What was his problem now?
“You okay?” Zach asked casually. “Did you trip in your new boots?” He waggled his eyebrows and added, “I don’t care if they make you stumble and tumble, you’re wearing ’em. I got a chubby as soon as I saw you in them.”
Noah laughed, and it sounded delirious. Perfect, he was sweating, too. He couldn’t be more gross…and pathetic.
Zach squeezed his hand tighter. “Still with me, babe?”
“I…I…not ready,” he finished lamely, hating himself more than he ever had in the past, and he’d hated himself a hell of a lot over the years. “Please don’t be mad.”
Zach jerked around and pulled him into a tight hug, pressing their chests together and stroking a calming hand down his back. “I would never get mad at you over something like this, Noah,” he vowed. “Never! I’m proud of the man you are, how well you’ve handled what you’ve gone through, and how well you’re moving forward.” He kissed the top of his head. “You are my bubble ass, pouty lip, boot-wearin’ hero, Noah St. Claire. You’re being too hard on yourself right now. Stop it.”
“I didn’t want to disappoint you,” he whispered.
“Not gonna happen, babe. Not gonna happen.” His lips gently touched Noah’s mouth, just a playful peck. “Tell me, Noah. What did you think I had planned for you tonight?”
Noah wanted to lose himself in Zach’s kiss, pretend like he wasn’t being the biggest pussy in the entire world, but his lover wasn’t going to allow it. “You planned on taking me out somewhere nice…like normal people do. Don’t try to cover for my inability to go on a date by acting like you were taking me to the building restaurant. It’s a sweet gesture, but I’m not falling for it. I’m pathetic, Zach. I tried so hard. I wanted to be able to do this for you…for us. I honestly did. Please believe I did.”
“Okay, first of all, I’m spanking you for the ‘normal’ and ‘pathetic’ comments, so go ahead and pencil that in on your schedule. It’s going to happen, and it’s not going to be love taps. Secondly, give me a little credit, babe. I might not be an expert on agoraphobia, but I’ve studied every single piece of medical literature I’ve been able to get my hands on. I wasn’t about to try and force you to leave your safety zone after only one month of solid treatment. Actually, I probably won’t be the one to ever suggest you leave. That’s going to be all on you. I just plan on being here to hold your hand when you’re ready.”
Noah’s nose scrunched up. “What were you planning, then? You were way too excited for it to be one of our normal outings.”
“Well, my brilliant plan was doing something totally romantic, totally new, and, hopefully, totally close enough to your safety zone you would be able to feel comfortable enough to give it a try.”
Not only was Noah intrigued, but his heart did a happy dance right inside his chest. It grooved to some old Britney Spears nonsense. “What were you thinking?”
“Follow me,” Zach said as he tugged him toward the stairs instead of the elevator. “Just promise me you’ll tell me ‘no’ whenever it stops being fun. Promise?”
“Promise,” Noah answered as he eyed the stairs with trepidation. He’d taken the stairs before, so he should be able to accomplish that simple task. He didn’t do it often, so it took him out of his comfort zone, but it was still in the greenlight district.
It surprised him to see Zachary head up the stairs instead of down. There weren’t any other apartments above them, so he wasn’t sure what he had in mind. When they reached a small landing, Zach pulled a key card out of his pocket and nodded toward a metal door in front of them.
“This leads out onto the roof…of our apartment building, your safety zone. I have a dinner table set up for us, really close to the door. Candles, twinkling lights, flowers…all sorts of romantic shit. I know this is a huge step, Noah. You haven’t been voluntarily outside in years. If you feel comfortable with it, I want you to try and focus on assuring yourself this is your safety zone. There is absolutely nothing on the other side of this door that can hurt you. I’ll be with you the entire time. We’ll leave the door propped open. It’s exactly four steps from your chair and this entrance. Three really big steps.”
Shit. Shit. Shit. Outside. Zach wanted to take him outside. There were things outside capable of hurting him, wanting to hurt him. He spent every moment of every day trying to hide from the things on the other side of that door. Evil lurked outside the walls of his safety zone.
What would the night air feel like against his face? It had been so fucking long since he’d felt it, making it almost a fantasy that had never really existed, something he’d made up in his head. It was fall. It would feel so damned good. Four steps. Three big steps. Zach would be right there with him. Nobody could hurt him.
There was always a way for someone to hurt him.
His first step toward normalcy was right in front of him. Zach had told him they could stop and come back inside any time he wanted. Feeling sick but determined, he nodded at Zach and then quickly moved to stand behind the larger man. For some reason, having Zach between him and the outside world seemed like the most plausible plan before him.
“You sure?” Zach asked, his eyes searching Noah’s face for some sort of sign telling him how to proceed.
Noah doubted he would see any nuggets of wisdom. He was pretty much flying by pure adrenaline at the moment. The fact he could very well crash and burn at any given second was forefront in his mind.
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” he answered truthfully. When he heard the key card click the lock mechanism, his stomach tumbled and his heart leapt. What did he think he was doing? Love didn’t cure everything and solve every problem. No matter what his silly heart felt for a man who would probably never return those feelings, it couldn’t conquer his psychological fears.
He was just about to run for his life when Zach turned back around to look at him, one hand holding the door cracked and one hand holding Noah’s hand like a fucking lifeline. Something in that look, in the strength and warmth of Zach’s grip, caused Noah’s feet to remain planted where they were. Love might not be able to conquer all, but his heart told him Zachary Meadows could damned well conquer anything.
He nodded to Zach.
“Four steps and sit down in a chair. I’m right here with you, babe. We stop anytime you want to,” Zach said softly.
“Three big steps and sit in a chair. Got it,” Noah answered, choosing the shorter, quicker option. He’d take a victory wherever he could find one.
Zach smiled and winked. “I’ve got you.” Then he slowly opened the door.
*****
Zach couldn’t have stopped the silly grin stretching across his face if his very life depended on it. Noah did it. Noah was officially his hero. The three big steps took exactly sixteen minutes, most of that time spent with Noah waffling at the door, turning his back on the outside, turning back around, waffling, baby-stepping, laughing deliriously, sweating profusely, and finally, taking the plunge.
“How are you doing, babe?” he asked as he took in every single detail of Noah’s body language and facial expressions. Noah gripped the sides of his seat so tightly his knuckles were a deathly white. His face was pale and his upper lip was coated with dampness. His chest, beneath the cashmere sweater, moved rapidly with deep, nervous breaths, but they were steady and showing no signs of a panic attack. His pupils were wide, his eyes locked with Zach’s.
The planners had done a magnificent job decorating the rooftop for a romantic dinner with candles, flowers, and twinkling lights. Their small round table was set with expensive china and silver cutlery. Next to them sat a serving cart holding prime rib, shrimp, mixed vegetables, and rolls. To add to the celebration, a few bottles of soda chilled in a silver bowl that would normally hold champagne. Every detail was perfect, but Noah hadn’t seen any of it. Those beautiful eyes didn’t look up or down, left or right—only at Zach.
Zach was good with that.
“Hey? How are you doing?” he asked again when Noah didn’t answer.
“Good. Good. Really good.” Noah’s voice sounded one step from losing it. He was so far from good, good, really good Zach wasn’t sure if Noah and those words were even on the same planet.
“What are you thinking?”
Noah coughed out a laugh. “That I’m scared shitless?”
“Wanna go back inside?”
“Yes,” Noah answered without a moment of hesitation. “I want to go back inside more than I want to draw my next breath. Even more than I want you to fuck me tonight, and we both know how much I want that. I want to, but I’m not. Not yet,” he added.
Zach reached across the small table and cupped Noah’s cheek. “Well, babe, it’s your lucky night because you are going to get to go back inside just as soon as you want to and I’m going to fuck you. See? You’re getting everything you want,” he teased. The emotions fluttering across Noah’s face were making Zach’s heart do all sorts of questionable things.
“Promises, promises,” Noah chirped, still sounding deliriously terrified. “Soooo…I did it. I’m a total badass, right?”
“Total,” Zach confirmed. Quietness descended on the table as Zach let Noah absorb all his surroundings and try to deal with all the triggers dinging around in his head. After a few minutes, Noah’s eyes fluttered closed and his face tilted. Zach frowned, wondering what he was doing, what he was thinking, but when he saw a wayward curl dance in the wind, he knew. “Does that feel good, babe? The wind against your face?”
“Perfect. It feels perfect,” Noah answered quietly. “I had accepted I would never feel it again. Fuck, I can’t believe what I allowed Moretti to take away from me.” He opened his eyes and focused on Zach’s face. “I can’t believe I’m still too scared to find the courage to say I’ll be able to do this again. I hate myself, Zach. I hate myself for being so weak and for being such a damn victim. Hell, Dante must have rubbed his hands together when he saw me. I was so fucking easy,” he whispered. “I made it so easy for him to take everything he wanted in life…to take everything from my life.”
Zach drew in a deep breath and tried to calm the thundering inside his head and heart. His soul was furious at the Moretti family for stealing Noah’s life, for hurting him, and for damn near destroying him. He wanted to kill them. He wanted to be the son his father always wanted him to be. That man would have killed Moretti without thinking twice. Noah was right about the crime family stealing everything from him, but he was so damned wrong about him being weak. Looking at Noah, his pale face bathed in moonlight and twinkling lights, Zach saw one of the strongest people he’d ever met in his life.
Noah thought he was hiding. But Zach knew he was the one hiding. He had transformed into a robot of a man, unwilling to feel…until Noah.
“You are not weak, Noah. Look at you right now, sitting outside on the rooftop like a motherfucking badass. Those bastards did take everything away from you, but you’re taking it back, babe. You’re going to take every motherfucking emotion back from those bastards.”
Noah’s lips twisted in a sad pout. “Thank you for seeing a part of me I don’t see.” He slowly looked around the rooftop, his eyes wide and nervous but still willing to explore what he’d been missing for so long. “I couldn’t have done this without you, Zach. Thank you for that and for all this.” His eyes swept the area again. Smiling, he added, “Who would have ever thought you to be a romantic?”
Feeling like he’d just won the lottery, Zach answered, “I never was before you. Now, are you ready to eat this scrumptious feast I slaved over all day long?” He reached for one of the heated serving platters.
“Nuh-uh,” Noah answered quickly. “I can’t eat. Please don’t make me.”
“Why can’t you eat?” Zach asked, taking his hand away from the delicious-smelling food.
“First of all, I don’t have any hands to hold fork and knife with,” Noah answered, his eyes glancing down to where he still had a death grip on the chair’s edge. “Secondly, I’m afraid I might get sick. I’m so nervous right now, and I don’t want to ruin our night by puking everywhere.” He glanced at the food cart with sad eyes. “Maybe we could carry it right inside the door and eat there?”
“Nah, there’s no need for that, babe.” Zach stood and moved to Noah’s side. He cupped the side of his face with one hand and leaned down to attack his lips in a hungry kiss before pulling back and saying, “You’ve done well, Noah. Let’s go back to your apartment. I’m so proud of you.”
Noah’s eyes widened with a look of sheer relief and agonized disappointment. Zach could see how torn he was between wanting to stay and dying to go back inside where he felt safest. No matter what Noah thought or said, their night had been a success. Zach wouldn’t have been at all surprised or disappointed if Noah hadn’t been able to step outside at all. From all his research, Noah appeared to be improving much faster than experts would have anticipated. It still pissed him off to the point of wanting to beat Cameron to a bloody pulp for not getting Noah the medical treatment he had needed. They had simply been medicating him, and not very well at that.
“No, Zach. Give me a few minutes. I’ll do better,” Noah argued. “You had all this food prepared, and I’d be a bastard for not eating it.” He took a deep breath and flexed his fingers against the edge of the chair. Noah’s breathing changed. He was trying too hard. Zach had pushed too hard. A panic attack threatened if Zach didn’t take control of the situation.
“Come on, babe. Let’s get inside. The food won’t go to waste. Connor already hinted at bringing Wayne up here to eat our scraps. Come on,” he urged as he helped Noah stand. Since they’d left the door propped open, Noah rushed back to his safe zone before a second passed. Once there, his breathing calmed instantly.
When Zach started to use the tip of his toe to move the doorstop, Noah reached out and asked him to hold off for a second. “What are those lights over there?” Noah pointed out the lights in question. “I…I don’t remember those. It seems like there was some kind of run-down shopping mall in that direction, nothing having that many bright and colorful lights.” He turned to gaze up at Zach. “What is it?”
“You’re right. There was an old strip mall over there, but they tore it down over a month ago. I think they are planning on putting another apartment building in the spot, but for right now, they’ve set up a huge carnival for the fall. I drive by when I’m going to work. Causes a huge traffic mess in the evenings.”
“I bet it’s beautiful,” he whispered in awe as his eyes hungrily scanned the horizon. Some of the rides were big enough the tops of them could be seen from where they stood. “I always loved amusement parks.” When he turned back to Zach, he looked sad. “Maybe one day,” he murmured.
“Definitely one day,” Zach argued as he pulled him into a hug. “Come on, babe. Let’s head back down.”
By the time they reached Noah’s apartment door, Zach had heard every single apology known to mankind. He’d taken a quick minute to text Connor and make sure everything was taken care of and to tell him he and Wayne could enjoy the meal on the rooftop. Noah’s guilt over not being able to eat the romantic dinner had him demanding Zach bring the prime rib in so they could eat it in the stairwell. He might have been born into low-class trash, but even he knew prime rib wasn’t best enjoyed in a strange-smelling stairwell. Zach hated Noah felt so bad, but he enjoyed listening to him pout and whine. Anyway, Noah wouldn’t feel guilty much longer.
“Take me back, Zach,” Noah pleaded. “You’re killing me. I feel like shit because you went to all that trouble. I’ll be stronger. I promise. Please, let’s go back and let me try again.”
They were standing outside Noah’s apartment as he begged Zach one last time for another chance. Without a doubt, Noah would go right back up those stairs and try again, but Zach had pushed enough for one night. The last thing he wanted to do was cause another panic attack. If that happened, he was afraid of how hard Noah would be on himself. No, they wouldn’t be going back upstairs.
“Stop whining, Noah. I’ve got this taken care of,” Zach answered with a smile. “You did perfect tonight. Hell, Noah, if you hadn’t been able to do more than step one foot outside and then haul that pretty ass of yours right back in, I would have been impressed. The fact you could sit at the table with me and let the night air flutter those girly eyelashes of yours is a huge victory. Huge, Noah. You haven’t been able to step outside this building in years, but you did tonight. Huge victory, babe.”
Zach punched in the code and pushed Noah’s apartment door open.
“It’s not much of a victory when I made us leave all that food…” He stopped talking and his eyes grew wide with shock as he finally looked away from Zach and into his apartment. Sitting in the middle of his living room was another intimate dinner table, adorned with the same candles, twinkling lights, fine china, and silver. The serving cart next to the table overflowed with the same foods as upstairs, the aroma even stronger in the small apartment. Noah’s stomach growled in response to the delicious smell of prime rib.
When Noah’s blue eyes turned back to Zach, they were damp with unshed tears. A cute frown pinched the center of his brow as his gaze traveled from Zach and then back to the scene in front of him. “How? I don’t understand. How did you…?”
“I’d like to take full credit, but I have to admit I got some help from a party planning company and Connor. Happy one-month anniversary, Noah.” Zach stopped talking before he did something really stupid and told Noah he was falling in love with him. That can’t happen. His heart wasn’t equipped for love.
Noah deserved somebody whose heart was overflowing.
Damn, but he wished he was strong enough to be that man, wished he didn’t have his father’s blood flowing through his veins.
“But…but…upstairs? I don’t understand.” He shook his head as if to clear the confusion. “Why did you do both?”
Zach shuffled Noah into the apartment with a couple firm pats on his ass as he explained. “I wasn’t sure what you would be comfortable with, babe. It was going to be your decision. This is your health, and progress needs to be made at the pace you are comfortable with.” He grinned as he pulled Noah’s chair out for him and nodded for him to take a seat at the table. “I wanted to make sure all my bases were covered to make this a special night for both of us.”
When Noah’s gaze met his, Zach nearly buckled beneath the love he saw shining bright in those blue irises. If only this moment could last forever. If only he were someone other than Zachary Meadows…