Chapter 18
Zach leaned back in the chair but kept one hand wrapped around Noah’s wrist. Nearly eight hours had passed since Denala had found Noah, barely clinging to life. Eight hours, but it felt like only seconds ago—seconds since his heart had frozen in his throat as he’d desperately tried to find Noah’s pulse. If he lived to be a hundred years old, he’d never experience another moment of triumph and happiness to equal the second the weak pulse fluttered beneath his fingertips.
Noah was alive…barely, but still alive. He was a doctor—Noah barely alive was all he needed. He would save the man he loved. Everything he’d experienced in his life, all the crap with his outlaw father and choosing a career he’d started to fear wasn’t a perfect fit for him, had led to that particular moment. Noah would win and Dante Moretti would lose.
Tracey had gotten there with the IV solutions and medications he’d needed before the police or EMTs, and he’d started pumping the healing fluids into Noah. Wayne made a brief appearance, whispered with Connor, and then pulled another disappearing act. The EMTs finally arrived and, even with Zach’s arguments against it, they’d taken Noah to the hospital. He’d ridden with him, never once breaking the contact of their touch. Once at the hospital, they’d stabilized Noah, and after several more heated arguments and a call from Noah’s psychiatrist, Noah was back in his apartment. All the medical equipment he needed had been provided in record time, and Zach knew he owed the FBI for that luxury. He also knew the FBI was one of the main reasons Noah almost died, so the relationship was still fucking lopsided as far as Zach was concerned.
The steady beeping of Noah’s heart monitor kept Zach grounded and calm. This thing with Moretti wasn’t over, wouldn’t be over until Moretti was dead, but for the moment, Noah was safe and by his side.
“Hey,” Connor said quietly from the doorway. “How’s he doing?”
“Good,” Zach answered. “He’s strong.” Zach’s fingers caressed Noah’s wrist as his eyes flickered across the machines monitoring Noah and then to his lover’s face. Dark smudges marred the pale flesh beneath his eyes, and his cheeks were gaunt, but other than that, Noah looked like he was merely sleeping. He hadn’t woken up yet, but from how well his body responded to the IVs they were administering, it wouldn’t be long. All his vital organs were still functioning properly. Zach was shocked by how well Noah had survived his ordeal. He should be in much worse shape. It was, Zach was sure, Noah’s big fat fuck-you to Dante Moretti. He was so much stronger than any of them gave him credit for.
Connor stepped into the room and leaned down to pat Denala’s head. The German shepherd hadn’t left Noah’s side since they’d brought him home. “You did good, girl. You did damned good.”
“She knew all along, Conn. She tried to tell me, but I didn’t understand. He could’ve been dead in a few more hours,” Zach whispered.
“Could’ve been, but isn’t. We did it, Zach. You’ve got him back…and we won’t let him go again,” Connor vowed.
“I’m going to kill him, Conn,” Zach said calmly. “I’m going to kill him for what he did to Noah and for what he will keep trying to do to Noah.” Zach looked up at Connor and said, “I’m going to become a man like my father, and for the first time in my life, I’m thankful for his blood flowing through my veins. Because of what he is, I’ll be able to do this.” Zach couldn’t believe the calmness he felt regarding his decision to kill Dante Moretti. A part of him argued he should feel ashamed about how calmly he’d accepted his decision to take another man’s life. He didn’t, though. He didn’t feel at all ashamed. He felt fucking content, almost excited.
“There’ll be plenty of time for that later. Right now, let’s focus on getting Noah at one hundred percent again. I’ve hired some off-duty folks to help keep the place safe until we make our move. Sit tight for now and stay by the man you love.”
“I’m not going to let you do this with me, Conn. You’ve got too much to risk. I’ll take care of this myself. I didn’t forget everything my father taught me just because I went to medical school. The basics of killing stayed with me.”
“We’ll see. Right now, hold tight to Noah and”—he stepped across the floor and handed Zach some paper—“I thought you might want to read this. They were in the room with Noah, and I snatched them before the FBI got there.” He shrugged and added, “They were for you, not the FBI.”
After handing Zach the papers, Connor squeezed his friend’s shoulder and left the room. Zach stared at what Connor had given him and tears already threatened to fall. Staring back up at him, Noah’s handwriting, neat but words sometimes crisscrossing over each other since he’d no doubt written this in the darkened room. Can I handle reading what Noah thought would be his last words? Did Noah blame me, hate me for not being there when he’d needed me most?
Holding Noah’s hand even tighter, Zach started reading.
Zachary,
There are so many things I want to be able to tell you, so many things I wanted us to be able to share with each other, but my past seems to have gotten in the way. I always suspected it would happen and perhaps I was greedy to want you in my life even when I knew the ending would be bad. I’ve always been a selfish bastard. Nah, actually I was just desperate. I saw you and I wanted you. My desperation to have you caused me to throw caution to the wind and take a chance. I’m sorry I gambled with your feelings, too.
The first thing I want you to know is I know you love me. Don’t beat yourself up just because I hadn’t been able to drag it out of you yet. You didn’t have to say the words. How you treated me told me everything I needed to know. Your love saved me. Your love gave me the strength to survive this. Your love gave me passion, courage, and happiness. I’d stopped living and you brought me back to life. Please know what was planned for me was going to happen no matter what. You gave me love to enjoy during my final time and courage to finish. I hope I left you with no doubts, but in case I did…I love you.
Second, I’m not afraid. This would have been so much harder if you hadn’t stepped in and saved me when you did. Yes, I’m pissed and sad but I’m not afraid. Don’t sit around worrying about that. I did good and I did good because of you and your love.
I’d planned on telling you I wanted us to go to the Carnival this weekend—the one I could see when you took me on the rooftop for our anniversary. Sure, I probably wouldn’t have made it three steps out of the building, but in my mind, I was gonna do it! While lying here, I’ve imagined how good the night air would have felt against my face when we were at the very tip-top of the Ferris wheel and you were trying to touch me inappropriately. It would have been a dream come true and I got a small taste by imagining it. Cotton candy, candied apples, and corn dogs. Kids laughing, you smiling, and Denala’s tail wagging.
Tell Connor I’m sorry I knocked him out. It was the only way. I couldn’t risk your life, and he would have never allowed me to leave the apartment. Don’t be mad at him and don’t let him be mad at himself. It was my decision, and I’m glad I made it. Dante says he’s coming after you, but I know Connor will keep you safe. I refuse to even let my mind imagine him entering your world. Stay safe.
I love you.
Noah
Below that letter, there were some other statements that looked like they’d been added later.
I dreamed about you—it was so fucking real.
I’m tired. I guess it’s a waste of my energy to say I’m thirsty. I’m still thirsty.
Lonely.
Confused.
Dante Moretti would die.