Chapter Fourteen

Callie

It’s been peaceful not living with Eddie or having to deal with him, it’s also been lonely and I feel lost. I’ve picked up my phone so many times to call him, but since he hasn’t called me maybe he’s doing alright. After Eddie came to see me I had a phone call from Sasha. Apparently, he not only wanted to go to rehab for me, he’s also willing to give up his career for me; I can’t let him do that. I told Sasha to reassure Mickki that they wouldn’t get any trouble from me, I’m ready to move on. I’ve come to the conclusion that any feelings I had for Eddie were purely a form of the old me trying to resurface and latch on to him and subconsciously pull me back into my old life. Unless you’ve had an addiction, you wouldn’t understand; I don’t wake up every day and just not use, I wake up every day and fight my demons and the urge deep within me. It will always be a part of who I am, I just won’t ever let addiction define me again.

Opening my laptop, I have a new notification from ACE TV. As much as I wanted to be away from him, I can’t help but check up on him. Today’s article -

EDDIE DIAMOND MISSING FROM LAST NIGHT’S AFTER-PARTY

I don’t know what I was expecting to see, maybe something about him being out of control or on a drug binge, but not that he was missing from the after party. I slam the laptop closed. Why do I care so much? He isn’t my problem anymore, being around him takes me back to a place I don’t want to be. Or maybe being around him brings up issues I have yet to deal with and he’s good for me. Am I right? Does being around him make me want to confront my past head on? Have I really just buried it all, instead of working through the guilt. Before I know what I’m doing, I’m sitting on the side of the bed calling him.

“Callie?” he says, answering the call. I sit in silence, I don’t know what to say or why I even called. “Hello? Are you there?” I quickly end the call. Within seconds he’s calling me back.

“Hello?” I say shyly, feeling stupid for hanging up on him.

“Is everything okay?” he asks.

“Yeah, I don’t know why I called. Being alone and thinking is never a good mix for an addict.”

“I’ve been wanting to call and hear your voice, I miss you.”

Before I get a chance to answer, I hear a girl whispering something I can’t quite make out and Eddie laughs; not his usual laugh, something more sexual.

“Oh God, I’m interrupting something,” I say.

“It’s...” I hang up the call and throw my phone against the wall, the screen shatters on impact. Why was I so stupid to think he was sincere in everything he said. I feel like a hormonal teenage girl; I feel so irrational and confused. I’m a thirty-four-year-old woman who should be able to control her damn temper. Jules comes running through the door, and looks at me and the hole I just put in her wall.

“Are you okay?” she asks, genuinely concerned.

“I’m fine. Sorry about the wall, I’ll get someone to fix it.”

“I don’t care about the wall, what’s going on with you?” she asks, taking a seat next to me on the bed.

“Eddie,” I say, knowing that his name will explain everything.

“Have you told him how you feel about him?”

“How I feel about him?”

“Don’t act stupid, I know you, and you’ve been moping around the house ever since you moved back in.”

“I have not. Don’t you have some pregnancy yoga to do?”

“Oh, hush now, you. Just admit you wanna see him naked, hell even I’d want to see him naked,” she laughs.

“Who would’ve thought? My sister’s a hussy.”

All of a sudden, there’s a knock at the front door. I look at Jules and the colour drains from her face in front of my eyes. I tell her to stay put and I’ll get it. The last knock like that she’d answered, was the day our brother was killed and me hurt. My heart is racing as I turn the handle. It’s Jaynie, Beau’s best friend, she’s crying and holding a piece of paper. My mind flashes back to the day I wrote my goodbyes.

September 25th 2009

My dearest Beau,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you how much I love you and wish I was a better mum to you. I can’t erase all the mistakes I've made and one day I hope you can understand why I couldn’t stay here on this earth.

I love you with all of my heart, and I know I’ll miss out on so many things in your life, but know I’m watching down on you forever. One day we’ll meet again.

“Fucking excuses.”

I throw the letter on the pile of letters I have already burned. How is making the decision to end it all so easy, but saying goodbye so hard? NO more excuses. I pick up the pen and a new piece of paper.

My dearest Beau,

I love you, never forget that.

xxoo Mum

I seal it in the envelope, and sit it on the bench before sliding into the bath. Closing my eyes as I take another swig from the bottle of vodka. I see the flashes of Simon, my ex, holding a gun pointed at me. I wasn’t scared because I knew it was coming with how much money I owed him for drugs, and who’d miss me anyway? I’m just a burden that disappears. I never expected Billy to visit me that day and everything happened so fast. When the first shot was fired, I looked at my brother and I saw everything as if it was in slow motion; him jumping towards me and pushing me out of the way. He fell to the ground and there was so much blood, then everything went silent. As Simon dropped the gun, I heard it go off again as he ran from the room. I didn’t feel anything or even hear my own screams, I can’t even recall who called for an ambulance. I managed to hold my brother as he took his last breath. He died to save me. “Everyone would be better off if I’m dead, it should have been me,” I say, crying to myself as I pick up the razor blade.

“CALLIE” Jaynie screams, shaking me.

“What, what happened?” I say, snapping out of the daze I was in.

“It’s Beau, he sent me this letter and I can’t find him,” she says frantically and hands me the note. I scan the note and my heart sinks, it’s his goodbye letter.

“What’s all this mean?” I ask, I knew he was down and had thought he could die, but this reads as if he’s going to end it himself.

“I thought he was just being Beau, he’s always a little crazy, but when he said we should do all the little things we always talked about, I didn’t think anything of it.”

I grab my keys as she keeps explaining. Jules is leaning against the door frame of my room, silent, with tears streaming down her face. I need to find my son before he makes the same mistake I did.